Something for myself!

I have some money in the bank. I was thinking of treating myself. That is so hard for me to do. I have no idea why. I go to work every day. I am always in the world of adulting. Thinking of my responsibilities have always been a big part of my life.
I still have a sizable debt. I have been doing great to lower it.
I wanted a new camera for my youtube channel. Then I talk myself out of it. I don’t have a big audience. I haven’t made as much money as I am investing into youtube.
Then I started to think. It is very nice to have people watch my video and comment. The truth is I like doing youtube regardless of my subscribers. If I didn’t I really wouldn’t have gotten this far with it.
Then I want a new computer. My computer has Vista on it. That shows you how old it is. Then I think there is nothing wrong with the computer. It works fine. I don’t do much on it really. How much is a new computer needed? It is hard for me just to buy these things because I want them. There is no real need for either thing.
There hasn’t been something I wanted so bad in a long time. Other than my baby. That was the last thing and only thing for a substantial part of my life that I wanted in a bad way.
I am not very materialistic. I am not into clothes. I wish I did my makeup more often. I have a lot of it. I just don’t have the time in the morning. I am so low maintenance. I recently went to the nail salon. My toes and nails look wonderful. I should do that more often. The problem is I can’t take Ava with me. She would not do well with me indisposed. She is not the sit their type of child. I didn’t want to ask my mother. She watches her so much. I broke down and asked her when my toenails were catching on my sheets. Yes so embarrassing. They were long just jagged for whatever reason.

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Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

Homework!!

My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????