That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

No news is good news

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I have nothing to report. Things have happened. I was insulted and unfriended on Facebook. The internet is full of perverts. All these things are true but I didn’t let it control my day.

I had a pretty decent day. I haven’t focussed on anything bad today. A friend of mine at work is graduating with her BA. Her hard work is a testimony that working hard and determination you can achieve a goal. I went to college straight from high school. I did have many part-time jobs. I lived in the dorms for four years. I didn’t want to pay utilities. I felt dorm living was cheaper. I also had a single room so I felt it was perfect.

She had it so much harder than I. Working full-time and taking care of a house and relationship while going to school. She had some great time management.

Today I have accepted there are a lot of assholes in the world. I need not get myself upset by others actions. The only one I can control and change is myself.

I have finally stopped hating my ex. I don’t need that resentment and hate in my heart. It will only eat me alive. I am still mad but I don’t hate the man. He is one of those assholes I was referring to.  I need to let Karma work in their lives.

I really feel when you are meant to people on purpose it comes back to you ten fold. I will let Karma take care of these people and just focus on myself.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change me and that is all I am going to worry about today.