Where have I been!!

I am in a rut. That time out-of-town put me so off-key. I haven’t really been exercising. I swear I lose motivation like people lose their keys. I am going to force myself to go to the gym today.  I want to be married. I say that after attending two weddings. The last one everyone in the damn place was married. I thought, wow no single people come to weddings anymore. My aunt said the next wedding will be mine. I told her I doubt it. I am not that kind of girl. I will go to Vegas, or the justice of the peace. I am not a big fan of so much extra to get married. I don’t think I ever thought of having a wedding. I guess I am strange.

I know a few people who would love to see me get married. I would love to see myself get married also. I can’t predict the future you never know. I am not doing to well dating. I met this guy online of course. We had a great conversation one day. Then the next day he is sending my 1-900 text message. I was so disgusted.

So on the baby front. Which is my real focus at the moment. After I have my twins I will worry about a man in my life. I have no idea if I am pregnant. Haven’t been focused on it at all. Which hay they say that is when it happens. I am 9DPO ( nine days past ovulation).  I would buy a pregnancy test, but with my overly aggressively trying to pay of bills. My checking account is lower than I like to see it.

We all know when I buy one I end up buying many. I am just going to wait to see if my period shows up.

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Memorial Day Weekend

I have to say my party days are over. I was asked to go a few places this weekend. I wasn’t really that interested. I am such an introvert. I really need to change that when my children get here. I don’t want them to be a shut in like me.  I will have to push beyond my personality traits and show them the world.

Do I have my twins in my belly. I am praying and hoping. I am long-suffering for my desire for children to be fulfilled. More than a I ever desired a man. If you would have met me years ago. I didn’t desire to be married.

My desire for a husband didn’t come to me until late in life. I was about 28 when I seriously considered being married. Before then I was marriage adverse. It wasn’t age that made me want a man’s last name. It was not being alone. Wanting my own family. Most of my friends had found their husband. I really should have paid attention to time passing. I have to say I was ignorant to my youth slipping away. I feel I made a mistake not moving to Boston. I do miss my family. No matter how crazy they are. They all expressed wanting me home in their own way. If money fell into my lap at this very moment. I would pack up and move in a matter of weeks.

I was almost on my way. I am in Georgia for a reason. I hope the reason is for my dreams to come true. I find out in a few days what my fate entails.

 

Baby Project #15

The two-week wait is torture  The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.

I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.

I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.

It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!

 

I am ready to go!!

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

 

My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.

 

I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!

 

I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.

 

Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.

 

I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.

 

You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again.  We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!

 

Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!

 

Yesterday was different!

I think I am an attractive girl. But two men gave me a compliment yesterday. Both in gas stations. One guy stopped me and told me I was beautiful and the other guy tried to get my phone number. He wasn’t my type so my I have a boyfriend answer flew out my mouth. But damn it is nice to get some male attention.

New guy did call. I was going to call him short guy. But for this blog I am going to call him Dee. Dee actually returned my phone call. He was going to a comedy show. His birthday was the other day. Sounds like his friends are taking him out for the big 41.

I asked him to invite some guy friends to my friends birthday party on Saturday. I am looking forward to dressing up and shaking what my mama gave me!!.

I need a night of fun. I made it to 19 days of working out. I am so proud of myself. I usually flake by now. I wasn’t going to go yesterday but changed my mind out of guilt. I don’t care why I showed up but glad I did.

My SMC friend and I had a pity party yesterday of why aren’t we married and blah, blah. No need to go into it. It is nice to have someone to feel your pain.  If another married friend tells me marriage isn’t all that again I will scream my head off.

Dee has big dreams of us working out. At least that is what he told me on our date. I think I need to be more optimistic than I usually am. Who knows right!! I thought I would be married with  two kids by now.  So clearly I don’t know shit.

My sudden attention from men might be from my new makeup mission. I have always been a tom boy and never really wore makeup. Unless going out. Well I got into wearing makeup daily. I love YouTube. I found this girl who has a lot of tutorials that has hooked me up. I feel like I actually know something. With my new phone I watch a few of her tutorials  before I go to bed. It does make me feel better about myself. My skin was breaking out bad. So with the make up you can’t see it anymore. Thank god.

Check her out!!

Rock in the hard place!

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book)

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The thought of moving home has given me some anxeity. I haven’t lived in Boston in almost 12 years.

I also have other issues I forgot about. A friend of mine has made friends with my enemy. I guess enemy is to strong of a word. I don’t know this woman. She doesn’t like me so I guess I am her enemy.

It all started with a male friend I had since I was 15. We were very close. Never dated. In fact I hooked him up with many of my friends which he took out on dates. As I hear a few he slept with. I never even held this man hand.

I did think he had a crush on me. I am only spekulating because we were only friends. Well three months after I moved to GA he married this woman. To make a long story longer. He never introduced me to her. We were 25 at the time. So this is a ten year friendship. I ran into them in the grocery story and she was not friendly to me at all. That is totally my perception. According to her I was the rude one. He told me after she met me, he was made aware he wasn’t allowed to have any female friends. (Ouch) All that from me saying hello.

What she doesn’t know is he remained friends with me. At least until I moved. Then we lost touch totally. Over the years I tried to contact him. To see how he was doing. I guess this was thought of as an attack against their marriage. Which I had no clue about.

So my friend was working out with this girl. They meet up with their respective spouses. Wow my male friend is this girls husband. Did I mention this friend was one of the people who went on a date with him. Yes awkward to say the least. She never slept with him thank god.

Innocently she gave me his Facebook page information. She didn’t mean any harm and could not have predict the drama that came after. Well I sent him a hello and oh lawd the shit hit the fan. The woman called my friend and read her the riot act. It took a few days but I got a kiss off in very nice words email via Facebook and blocked from his page. I had a feeling he wrote it with her standing over him!! Who knows!!

I haven’t seen this man in 12 years. It isn’t that big of a deal. At least not to me. I was just trying to see how he was doing. Like I did with many people via Facebook. He was my best male friend for 10 years. I don’t know what is going on in their marriage. I do know I have nothing to do with it.

Now I am moving home. My friend is friends with me and his wife. She doesn’t want any drama if she invites both of us to her house for any event. I do understand that. I just have no idea what to do about it. I have nothing to say to this woman.  I don’t want her husband and never did. What happened was innocent and not meant to disrupt anyone’s marriage.

I was truly looking up an old friend. My friend said we would have to work that out. Now that is unrealistic. How can I work out anything with a woman who thinks I am trying to steal her husband. Who I met one time for less than two minutes in a grocery store 12+ years ago.

I told her I won’t say anything to her. But if something goes down not by me I will not sit there and be bashed as the hard up man stealer. If I wanted him I would have made my move years ago. Any one who knows me, knows shy has never been used to describe me!!

I swear I run into drama without even trying!!!

My brand of crazy!!

I have a friend who reads my blog and emails me her thoughts. The previous blog she said something very interesting. I told her it was going to be my next blog. She stated there is no solution or answer on how to meet a man. You have to find the man who is going to deal with your brand of crazy. Also you are willing to deal with his brand of crazy.

I thought that was a perfect answer. Everyone has things that make them individuals. They could be nice, assholes,control freaks, passive, submissive, disrespectful, ambitious, lazy, cheaters, loyal. Everyone has something. That could be good or bad.

I am not naive and can admit that people will stay even when the bad is looming in their face. Should you feel bad for those people. No you can’t!! They decided to deal with that brand of crazy.

I got through one season of Johns and Kate plus 8. She was rude bitch and disrespected her husband on a regular basis. One episode they stated they don’t have time to be nice to each other. I felt that was a load of crap. He was willing to deal with her brand of crazy!! I am sure she was always like that. He married her. He also divorced her.

Usually when I talk to a man who is complaining about his current or ex-wife. I usually ask, was she doing this before you got married. The answer is usually yes.

My thought is you have to be decided to deal with a person for their flaws too. We all have flaws. If you cannot, DO NOT waste your time because they are not going to change unless they want to change. Getting married as far as I can see doesn’t change anyone. If they showed you who they were in the beginning you need to pay attention.

If I cannot accept a man the way he comes I don’t have time for him. I decided a few years ago if you mother didn’t teach it to you I will not. If she didn’t teach you to be a man of you word. If she didn’t teach you to be respectful of women. If she didn’t teach you to wear a condom not to have several children with different women. If she didn’t teach you to take care of your business such a bills and household chores. I AM NOT TEACHING YOU!!

You need to come prepared to date me. I am not going to turn a boy into a man. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet before he comes my way.

You will not believe the stories I hear about these men, some people I know are dating them. They would not have gotten my number. The moment I hear three kids, three different mothers. I don’t have a car. (I don’t care what type of car just their own mode of transportation.) It is the fact we are in GA you need a car. I live with my mom. (You will have to have a very good reason why you are living at home and have not moved out. I really can’t think of one right now I would go for.)

I was watching Sex in The City years ago. Miranda the cynical red-head stated something very interesting. Men are like taxi’s. They get married when their light goes on. I know this is not true in every case, but she did have a point and I have seen it happen. A man wakes up one day and decides he wants to be married. The woman in his life at the moment gets the ring. She might not be the woman of his dreams. He could have gotten rid of that woman years before who knows. She is there at the right time and moment and she gets the ring. So ladies not everyone gets married out of love and devotion.

Being single I hate running into married women who first take pity on me for not being married. Also because they are married they know exactly what I am doing wrong which is why I am not married. So just because you have the ring  and he said I DO doesn’t automatically give you the 411 on how to catch a man!!! Or you might know how to catch a man but it also might not be the man I want.

Meeting in the ladies room!!

I went to a cookout this weekend. It was heavy with females. Only a few males that came with their wives. Slowly the men gravitated outside with their wives and the living room was filled of women. Some married most not. The discussion of men showed up. It so weird how that subject is always on woman‘s mind.  Also how we seek advice from is people in the same boat. I have clear-cut opinions and clearly they did too. I also do not come off like I have the answer for cancer because I am single also.

First off I didn’t know any of these women or their situations. I did know which ones were single and which ones were married. Did I know if they were happily married?  No!!

So everyone is dishing out their opinion of how to catch a man. I wanted to say ladies there is no sure-fire way to catch a man. Or how about anybody can catch a man. It is can you catch a good man or the man for you?

One of the ladies was outside which was the reason I came. I know her personally and she is one of my SMC friends. No one else at the party know how we became friends. This woman understands me. When no one understands where I am coming from I call her. To bitch, complain or just get some understanding.

Well one of these women made a comment about my friend being aggressive. That is not the way to get a man in her opinion. She was outside and not there to defend herself. I am thinking hold up. I have a few friends who are aggressive and straight up BITCH and have husband. So I took this as a personal attack. I am not submissive and could be thought of as aggressive depending on who is judging. I told them they were wrong and sometimes women get tired of the bullshit. So come correct of don’t come at all.

I took it personally because on another occasion a southern bell. That will be her name for the blog purposes. Told me Northerner are to aggressive and if I tone it down I might have a better chance of attracting a man. I let her opinion go and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know this woman very well and didn’t want any unnecessary controversy.

I wanted to ask her where her husband was at and did I miss the wedding. Yes the woman dishing out the I am to aggressive was not married either. I find that interesting. Where the advise comes from. What if it comes from a married person but there is no way in hell you would have went on a date with her husband if he was single. So why would I take advice from her? We don’t have the same taste in men.

As my mother said everyone has an opinion like everyone has an asshole. My mother is big on the one liners. The truth is I have been asked to be married three times. Yes miss aggressive. I didn’t do it because I knew those relationships would have issues and would not last. So if I just wanted a man I can do that. I have done that and have the tee-shirt. So ladies do I want to be happy or do I just want a man? If anyone has read my blog they will no the answer!!! I have 99 problems and a man ain’t one.

Married Men

121- A Married Man

121- A Married Man (Photo credit: Holtsman)

Over the years I have had many married men hit on me. What I find interesting is the fact that they don’t hide that they are married. It goes to show how many women don’t care, that is why these men feel so comfortable. Needless to say I have never dated anyones husband on purpose. Now if he takes the ring off and makes up lies to cover his tracks I can’t say I am innocent.

All this to say a acquaintance from my past called. A guy I met through a friend 11 years ago. We were supposed to have a date. It never quite happened. I was attracted to him and him clearly me. Neither one of us was that interested to make it happen.

Well several years back a mutual acquaintance told him he got married. I thought that was nice. I only talked to him on email. So I sent him a congrats on the wedding. I was getting the feeling he didn’t want me to know. I didn’t even think about it I rare come into contract with this person.

Last year he called out the blue and asked me out. He dressed it up like we would be going with a bunch of people. It made me feel real uncomfortable. He never called back to confirm so I let it go.

Then two weeks ago he called out the blue. We chit chatted for a few minutes. Then he said you don’t keep in touch. I said you are married.

He found that to be insulting and said we can still talk. I let him know I don’t carry on with married men. Oh his wife isn’t like that. Really I said!! Well if we were such good friend I would have me the woman. They have been married for four years. I said talking to someone twice in four years does not constitute friendship. He protested he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I told him I have no idea what is going on in his marriage. Also I could careless. I don’t create friendship with married men. If we were truly friends before you got married then fine. This situation was just uncomfortable. I let him know I will respect your wife the way I would want to be respected if I was married.

In my opinion he was trying to hard to change my mind. Why was I all of sudden important? The conversation left on a sour note. I can’t say he would be missed. He wasn’t really a part of my life at all. He needs to find the woman who doesn’t mind sharing him with his wife. I MIND!!

Also I don’t need his wife calling me with any drama. Been there done that. The ones who slip off the ring and tell the lies, wives some how found my number.

In those situation I told them he is yours and keep him. I hate drama. I try to avoid it. Also Karma is a bitch. I have enough bad Karma with relationships. I don’t need any more!!!

Save Me!!

Have a nice day

Today has just been one of those days. I am tired of everything including my job. I am ready for my life to go in a different direction and a different place.

If doctor dude asked me to go to Vegas and jump the broom today I would. Just in desperate need for change in my life. I know I could be opening a whole nother can a worms with that past statement. It is still how I feel. Me being me I did send that to him in a text message. Of course I had LOL after the message with a smiley face.

I was half kidding. I am just in that place today. I go to this place more than I like to admit.

If some money came into to my life that would be just as good. I told Doctor dude if I get some money I am going straight to get clinic and get knocked up. He didn’t like hearing that at all. I have to say I am not to worried about how he feels. I have a fantasy with him no real reality has happened.

 My praying fell off as soon as I committed to do it. I am so undisciplined it is sickening.

I am going to try to start today. I am making no promises this time. I am going to try is all I am going to commit too. I am ecstatic is Friday. No big plans on the horizon. A lot of errands I wish I could palm off on someone else. When your are single that person does not exist. So pretty much I am going to have to suck it up and take care of my business.

I have never wrote about this before. I doubt anyone at my job reads this blog. I sit in a cube. The people who sit around me drives me crazy with the constant sounds they make all day. I have never been around such a noisy bunch in my life. One is smacking on ice all day. Also beating up a bottle filled with ice to get the ice out. I hear every noise that comes out of her mouth. It drives me crazy. I try to turn up my radio and concentrate on something else. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn’t. Now you might think I am over reacting. People have come by my cube and asked me what is that noise. I explained to them what it is and one comment was that was not sexy. I could do nothing but laugh. Hearing a smacking sound all day is not sexy. I also have another person next to my cube that sucks on his teeth for twenty minutes after he eats.

It is crazy. I can’t really tell them to stop. I tried telling him to stop sucking on his teeth. That didn’t go over well. So now I leave it alone. I feel people have no office etiquette these days.

Such as stinking up the break room cooking fish in the microwave. When I worked at another job this woman would open tuna fish then put the can in her trash can outside her office for us to smell all day. She would be in her office with an air freshener. One day I told her the whole office was talking about her. She was in shock. I said if you don’t want to smell tuna what makes you think we do.

I swear some people only care about themselves.