Ava is worth it!!

I started fighting the system. It has been going on for months now. There is an organization which I am not going to name right now that discriminates against disabled children. They give this bullshit line, disabled does not donate a rejection, but they have never transported a special need child on a special needs bus in 40 years.

Now I understand why fighting the system is so difficult. They don’t make it easy and everyone is in cover your ass mode. I started with public records. With this climate of political unrest, I have learned a lot. They have to answer your public information request in a timely fashion.

I didn’t complain that my kid didn’t get in. I had only put in the application. I wanted to fight for all the other kids and mine. Well, the public information request leads to the Department of Education. They told me to file a complaint. Which I assumed was going to give me answers to my questions.

Truth be told I just wanted the backup to sue their asses. I learned that it isn’t how things work unless you have a lot of money to do such things. While I was working the process through the state, I was trying to find a lawyer for free99. Finding a lawyer was harder then I could imagine. I got one lawyer out of the 30 I called that might be interested in the case. She wanted to see the report from the state before she would make that determination.

At first, I was lead to believe they were going to side with me. Then I learned they were not on my side. I went nuclear. I wanted the damn report. It had been over 100 days and no report. I started making calls. I then realized how many departments use a smokescreen. I called Massachusetts Governer Bakers office three times. Which was a total waste? Then I called our senators. Then I reached my local senators. I also started to call the supervisors in various departments.

I would learn which departments were over other departments. I started learning the names of who ran these departments. That’s when I began to call for information help and the report. I started to name drop. I demanded to speak to the person in charge.

Well, 152 days later I finally got the report. Literally, they copied and pasted what I said the organization response and two lines that they didn’t agree with me. I was pissed, to say the least.

I went back to public records and demanded answers to my questions. They got back to me and that where we are at the moment. I waiting to see if I have a lawyer, and I have several departments that are supposed to get back to me. Please pray for justice. I am really losing steam in this process.

Make Plans and god laughs!!!

My plans might be changing with the move to Boston. I  hopefully find out shortly.

I have a new boss. My old boss quit. I really liked my old boss. She was efficient and really helped me elevate my skills. She also was a micro manager, known to yell, scream and swear.

I think I am going to love this Boss. He is so laid back and grateful for all I do. It is nice to be appreciated. Not to say my old boss didn’t appreciate me. The old saying good work gets you more work. She did show her appreciation in that way. She also expressed it to me. New Boss expressed it with gift cards. They are two very different people.

Well new boss asked me why I didn’t take the promotion. Which old boss was begging me to take. The main reason was I was planning to leave and move to Boston to start TTC. The other reason was the lack of compensation. They never settled on an amount or even gave me an offer. I could tell I was not going to be impressed.

I felt I am majorly underpaid and I knew how much the prior person in that position made. Which was a great deal more than I do. So what they did was lower the title and I am sure if they got an internal hire the pay would be nothing to write home about.

They would have to make major leaps for me to jump. When I inquired about the compensation after turning down the job four times, she said I should take it because I want it, not for the money. I think someone had me twisted. She didn’t get far with that at all, as you see I am still not in that position.  Not to mention old Boss was very demanding and I knew her requirements would be great. So I was not taking that job for less than I expected. They kept trying to convince me by the title. The title would help my career in the future. Clearly they don’t know me to well. I could careless about the title. PAY ME!!! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Well new Boss asked my I didn’t take the position. He feels we work well together and I would be great in the position. At this point I have nothing to lose and I told him exactly why I didn’t take the position. I feel I am underpaid and they were not going to offer me what I wanted to take the job. He was the first one not to ask then why are you still here?

When I had complaints I got that answer. One lady was shocked when I  said maybe I should take that under advisement and find a new job. Her face was mortified like she just convinced one of the companies good employees to quit. She back tracked when I gave her that smart ass answer. Only a few know of my plans to move home. One of my co-workers figured it out. (Long Story). I have recruiters calling all the time. I am sick of my profession and also had plans to leave the state so that is why I am still here. Not the answer I give when asked!!

So my new plan is. If they give me what I want salary wise. I am staying in Georgia for a while longer. I discussed it with my roommates and they are fine with me staying. I will begin TTC in the state of Georgia. Have the baby here and move to Boston when I am on maternity leave. If the pay is not what I want I am out the door to Boston in February hopefully.

It is nice to be appreciated. I actually love that I am respected in this company. Even thought I am not paid. It is probably why I been here almost five years.  Five years might not seem like much, but my usually length at any company is two years. Either being let go or moving on myself.

So will I be TTC in GEORGIA or MASSACHUSETTS. My family is cool with the delay and wanted me to take the job without the major salary increase. Accept my aunt she told me don’t accept less.

Another monkey wrench in the situation. I won on my scratch ticket. It is a major ticket. I haven’t scratched the amount. I am going to wait until Christmas. My present to myself. If it is a big number I am on my way to Massachusetts working on TTC and my new career. Even with the job offer. I am out of here!!!

On a brighter note I got my mother a new refrigerator and dryer from Home Depot. My aunt (mom twin sister) went and looked at the choices I selected online in the store. I know I partially did it because I will be moving in and felt they needed to be purchased. I also like hearing my mother happy with her new appliances. She told me she bragged to her friends that I bought them for Christmas. I like knowing that my mom is happy and proud of me!!!  Happy Holidays!!!

A little over two weeks!

My life will be doing a complete change. I will soon be a roommate then moving back with moms. All this time of being on my own. I have to say I will be enjoying the roommate rent scale. I can’t beat that at all. I have a house of boxes. My back hurts again. Perfect timing right!!

I wish it was already done. Now I have to walk through the steps of freedom from this property. I thought I was terminally stuck. Now I know everything happens for a reason and god makes a way.

Everything is going according to plan. Actually faster than planned. My realtor did say it could take months on months. It took about two months. It would have been faster if they didn’t reject me the first time. Once closing is done and my stuff is moved. I am free, totally free!!!

I might be getting a little carried away. I still have bills and other responsibilities. But those things can travel with me. I don’t have to deal with any issues concerning a house. Which is a major form of freedom to me.

In my usual fashion I still buy scratch tickets. If I happen to hit I will definitely be leaving GA a lot sooner than expect. Hit!! Please Hit!! I am so ready to get this party started!!

Denied!!

English: John Alden House in Duxbury, Massachu...

Yes this is what the bank said will be in a letter to me. They denied my short sale. I was more than pissed. It had to do with one of their reps told me to do. I won’t be making that mistake again. I will be submitting again in a few weeks.

Nothing ever goes smoothly in my life. I need to let this house go one way or another. I will be moving to Massachusetts. I can not afford this debt too. Keep me in your prayers. My realtor makes it sound like no big deal. Just resubmit and we will get it done. I am glad he has no worries. It calmed me down after he sent a calm it is no big deal email.

My mom told me not to stress either. Well does anyone know I am ready to start my baby plans. I guess god is telling me to slow the hell down. I am ready to go and get it done. Nothing I can do at this point but wait.

The one who got away!

University of Massachusetts Amherst: Chapel an...

University of Massachusetts Amherst: Chapel and Library in the evening (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am nervous and scared of what I will find. Yesterday I paid the people finder website to give me my college crush information. No he is not on Facebook. He might not be at this number any longer. He might wonder who the hell I am.

Let me start from he beginning. I was fat and had self-esteem issue in college. I did date. Not the men I wanted to date. The men who asked me if you get that point. I was in this class. This tall blond blue-eyed sexy man sat next me on the first day. He was beyond handsome. I don’t know if I have expressed this on this website. I wanted race not to be an issue.

I am a black woman. Who went to UMASS Amherst in the mid to late 90’s and there were a lot of racial issues on my campus. So talking to this sexy white guy I was not going to do. We were paired off the first day. He was on my team. So every project we were working together. The class ended and I let it go out of my mind.

Until the black girl on the track team started dating a white guy. She was high-profile. She was an athlete. I thought I am no one in this 20k student university. Who I dated was not important. So I called him to confess my lust. It took me two days of chit-chat to admit it. Then he said I liked you to that is why I sat next to you on the first day of class. I literally fell out the bed. By this point he was dating someone and I let it go. I didn’t want to but I did.

Fast forward a few years. We have graduated and he crossed my mind. I found him and called. Did I mention I was even fatter. He was working on the NJ shore and asked me to come visit. I couldn’t do it. I thought I looked worse since I left college. That was the last time I talked to him. Fast forward 15 years. I have maintained a 100 pound weight loss. Life is good. I have a self esteem.

Now I am nervous to call him. I have never been the nervous type. Well after the 100 pound weight loss. I jump in with both feet. Now I am heistant. The number is sitting at home. The one who got away. I want to know how he is doing. What if he is married? What if he is dead? What if that number doesn’t work? Is it better to keep it a fantasy?

I am going to have to make a decision!!!!

TGIF

I am so damn happy the weekend is almost here. So much has gone on this week.

House update. My mortgage company was faxed over 50 pages of information. I am hoping this process goes smoothly.  Then I will be closer to moving home. Not looking forward to packing. I will be moving twice first move with a friend. Next to Massachusetts.

I am so ready to start TTC. I have two girlfriends on board. They are keeping their baby stuff to give me. I love when people are in the positive. I told my dad my plans. He keeps telling me you can’t plan your life. One day at a time. OK you have to plan somethings. I ended up yelling at the man to just listen to my plans. If it doesn’t work out I will make adjustments as I go. I just wanted him to listen.

Then the question maybe you can meet a guy and do it the old fashion way? I wanted to scream don’t you think I want that also. I let it go!! This is not my first choice. If people don’t get that, I am done explaining. Then my aunt was upset that my sperm donor I picked out was white. I haven’t made a finally decision but the sperm bank I pick doesn’t have any other races. I will have to admit the price is one of the biggest reasons for picking this particular bank. I could careless about race. Race wasn’t a factor in my choice at all.

It is hard to deal with people’s hang ups. She kept saying you didn’t tell me that. I did tell her, obviously she doesn’t listen to me. Clearly she didn’t read my article. Which is another issue. Lack of support from family. This aunt in particular will complain about family not being there for each other. But she can be at the top of that list. I sent her my article. It has almost been two weeks and she never read it. I was so proud for it to be posted in the SMC newsletter.

I said something to her about hurting my feelings. She instantly dismissed it. I started yelling at her. You are such a hypocrite in so many words. Then I stopped myself and said just apologize and I will move on. She said sorry but I know she didn’t mean it and won’t read it. Insanity is doing things over and over and expecting different results. If I am looking for her to take an interest and be proud of my accomplishments that isn’t going to happen. So I am done including her. I will not send or have her involved in anything else. My mother is so different she will read what ever I do cover to cover. I really need to send it to her. She is never on a computer these days. So I didn’t bother emailing  her. I always feel my mother being proud of me. Her sister not so much.

My aunt will request to be treated a certain way. Will complain if she feels slighted in any way. But she does the exact same thing to people that she complains about. Next time she does that crap I am going to tell her do un to others as you want done to yourself!!  I love my aunt I just have to accept her the way she is, I wish she would do the same with me. I doubt it but I will keep hope alive for that one.

Getting My life together!!

Cover of "One Day at a Time"

This weekend was pretty hard. I finally feel like I am in a positive mood. I started eating the way I am supposed to as of today. So this is officially day one. Presently I weight 194. I am very sad to admit that. I got on the scale and almost cried. My goal is 165. At six-foot that would be an ideal weight. This is a weight I actually will be happy with. So 29 pounds is what I am working to get rid of. My top weight was 280. I hope to never see that again. I also want to exercise. Which as we all know how lazy I am. I am going to work on the food this week. Next week it is get my body moving time.

I am back to finding my ovulation. I also am going to start doing acupuncture every two weeks. I need to get myself baby ready. I am not at the place I can do anything about having a baby. I am trying to take things one day at a time. It is hard because I keep thinking about all that is in front of me.  I am working on being positive once again. The law of attraction is going to get me through all of this.

I am back to working on my negativity issues. I know being positive will get me through a lot.

A) Getting out of this house

B) Moving into a roommate situation

C) Moving back to Massachusetts

D) Getting a long with my mom in a living situation

E) Becoming a Single mother by choice

All of these things are the challenges I have before me. I think about all of them all the time. I need to stop and just focus on what I need to do today. Such as I know I will be leaving this house eventually. Going through all my crap should be first on my list of things to do. That is what I am going to start working on. The rest will fall into place. I am so ready to start the baby making process. I am not ready in any way, finances being the biggest reason. I am trying to align everything in the next eight months or maybe longer to be ready. Oh how I wish I can snap my fingers and make all this happen with ease. Anything is possible!!!

600+ Million dollars!!

Mega Millions logo

Mega Millions logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The lottery is going crazy. I have to say I thought I would be worse. I bought two tickets and I am in the lottery pool at work. I have not had the urge to buy a whole bunch of tickets. I guess I know the statistics of me winning is so damn week.

I did win on one of my scratch tickets. I haven’t looked at what I won yet. It is funny a co-worker 15-year-old son told her she had better odds with scratch tickets. From the mouth of babes. He is totally right in my opinion.

I am so damn happy it is Friday!!! I can’t wait to get off work. I don’t know why I am in a rush. I have a class that starts at 8am Saturday morning. It is a get my life together type of class. So I am going to be there with bells on.

Mr Shitty paints and I will have to hit the bed early for a Friday night!! I keep thinking about Massachusetts. How my life will change and what will happen when I get there.

When I make a choice to do something I want it now. I don’t have an ounce of patients!! I keep reading about women having fertility issues. Women who are younger than I am. I need to stop filling my head with negativity. I haven’t even started the process yet!!

When I get out of my house I am starting acupuncture again for sure!!

Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!

Bump in the road!!

Moving Day (book)

I should have known life is never that easy. There is a bump with the short sale. It might take a little longer than expected. It is what it is. I am still all in to make this happen. I know nothing in my life ever runs smooth. It isn’t the end of the world. I have to be a big girl once again!!

My goal is to get back to Massachusetts and have my babies. God is working for me clearly. I asked for a solution and here it is. I know I have to work for anything worth having.

When my mind is focussed I want it yesterday. I have no patience what so ever. It is getting worse with age. When I get back home there will be a part of me that feels free. Free to fall and have someone to catch me. My mother is more supportive of me now then she has ever been. Everything happens for a reason. Growing up I never felt too much support from either of my parents. I felt all my success were despite my parents and not because of them. My grandmother was the one I gave all the praise for me getting far in life.

It seems that god knew what he was doing. My mother and father are very supportive now. My grandmother has long since been in the grave. I want to be a mother. I know I will need them for a lot. Not financial at all. I am in a better position than both of them. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. Emotionally they are there for first time. I thank god for my parents.

My aunt and I are also very close. My aunt and I argue like mother and daughter. She is my mothers twin. It is like having two crazy mother’s. I do love her and appreciate her in my life. Even thought when we argue it seems that I don’t.  Things are working out in his time not mine. I am glad I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Doctor Dude. I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I been so busy with my life I just noticed that last night. I have no feelings about it. I am going forward with my dreams.

So I changed all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Even thought it could be 8 months or more away from me moving. Well I got a lashing from a guy saying he would be wasting his time talking to me. With me being in another state did I think a man would wait that long. I was shocked. I guess I wasted his ten minutes of chatting with me on IM. I apologized and updated my profile with my circumstances. I don’t want to hear that crap again.

My mind is in Massachusetts. It is a work in progress to get out of here. I didn’t move here randomly with out a plan. I am not leaving without one either!!!