Sanity Project #1

Therapist appointment went better than expected. She talked not just listen. I loved that. She read me like a book. Sounds like she knows what she is doing.

What did she deducted:

1) She doesn’t think I need to go on medication

2) I need to work on coping skills

3) Work on being my own best friend

4) Stop playing the negative tape in my head

5) Learn how to not internalize thing from childhood

6) Work on Liking\Loving myself

I thought myself damn she hit the nail on the head. I also like the being my own best friend. I never heard it put that way. I told her about the baby making and all it entails she didn’t blink hard. I am sure she has heard a lot in the four walls. She actually sounded like she respected my decisions. So I think I found my new therapist. I have to say I was nervous. I didn’t want to waste my time in any way. Not at the specialist co pay. My homework is to be aware of when I play the negative tape. Here is to sanity!!!

 

Feeling Depressed!!

I have been Depressed for a while. I am working on finding me someone to talk to. A counselor is needed. I can’t shake this negativity. I use to be so resilient. Now I feel so miserable. I know life is not happiness all the time. I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am not happy with my life at this point. These pregnancy disappointments are really wearing on me.

I don’t want to go on any medication. I am not big on those type drugs. The one time I took them when I was going through a hellish job situation. They made me feel crazy. I just need a new perspective from someone who has nothing to do with my life. To help me work through these issues. Talk about the skeletons in my closet. As my aunt said I don’t want to wake up with another 50 pounds because I couldn’t deal with my life.

My health insurance offers it, 40 copay. It is worth it, if it helps me get my life together. I tried talking to family and friends. Telling me to cheer up and not be depressed was not helpful. I know they are doing what they can. They love me and don’t want me to be upset. I need to make the next step to a professional. I know when I am not right and need help.

I know I have a good life. I am having a hard time appreciating it at the moment. It makes me feel ungrateful and horrible. There are always people in worse situations. I can’t help it. I want to rewind the clock. Change the history of my life. I live in that fantasy world.

I will tell you if I knew I would be in this position. I would have gotten knocked up a long time ago. I know everything happens for a reason and a season. I just feel unhappy. While I was typing this one of the clinical psychologist called me back. I have an appointment in a few weeks. It was going to be next week but that is baby making week with known donor. I have to do it the week after. I liked her on the phone. She didn’t make me feel like a freak. Here is to feeling better!!!

 

Life is moving!

Another uneventful Saturday. I am going to make myself busy when I get to Boston.

I had an email battle with a kind of family member. I known her since birth. Our mothers were friends. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me. We are talking no contact for about 3-5 years.  Once I realized I was doing all the calling I stopped. With me moving back home I called her to extend the olive branch. I called twice and a month passed and no return call. I would have let it go if she didn’t answer the phone for my mother.

I know the relationship is over but my feelings were hurt. I sent her an email expressing how I felt. I got a reply of a laundry list of all the bad things that are going on in her life. Like I was this insensitive asshole. How the hell would I know what was going on. I guess I am physic. Plus there are so many ways to get in touch with people these days. I thought her lack of response was B.S. She could have sent a text, I got your message I am going through a lot and will get back to you or something.

I am done with it. I am trying not to let it bother me to much. I am letting go of all relationships that are not reciprocal. I tend to hang on to people. I will no longer let them fill up space in my head. Any relationship is a two-way street. I am not going to be the only participant.

Other than that I have been having back pain on and off. The acupunturist had me feeling no pain on Friday. Now it is back a little. I am going to make an appt with the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I guess that is what I pay this high price insurance for.

I think I am in love with a sperm donor. I know it sounds crazy. I was reading what he wrote and I loved it so much. He is artsy like me and has a passion for writing. I guess my thoughts was if I met this man would I date him because we have things in common. The answer would be yes from how he expressed himself. Hopefully he is still available when I am ready.

OCD strikes again!

I know I am obsessive compulsive. When I get stuck on something I am all over it like cheap suit. I am obsesses with Boston now. I have been on all the job websites. Planning and plotting what I will do when I get there. Did I mention all this moving is many months aways. It depends on a lot of factors. I haven’t even called the bank yet and I am plotting.

I heard this quote that I need to take to heart. Understand people instead of forcing them to understand you. That sounds great. I am sick of being understanding of my family and them not doing the same. They know I am OCD when I have a plan. So I am sick of the calm down and wait until comments. My aunt called me an apologized. She said I know how she is a worry wart. I told her it bothers me when I call my friends and they are happy for me. Then I call my family and they don’t seem supportive. Then I hear you know how I am. There we go again. I need to be so understanding.

They are never going to change so I guess I have no choice but to be understanding. So I have to call the bank today. I am nervous. Why I don’t know. I always had to handle my business myself. I even filled out my own financial aid papers for college. I went to the seminar with my aunt. She was going to fill out her sons papers. My parents were not going to be any help except for handing over their tax information. So I have always gone it alone with everything in my life. Why am I so nervous. God made Sunday work with ease. I need to have faith the rest will also.

Depression relief!!

My depression has been lifted. I know it has to do with my eating. It has been two-week of clean eating and I feel a lot better. I still have issues with my life and the things not in it. I don’t feel like I am about to fall of the edge of a cliff. Which is a relief from not to long ago.

I really need to watch for depression because it runs ramped in my family. If I stay on this road I will finally fit back into my clothes. Every time I look in my closet and see all those clothes that are two small I tear up.

I also need to incorporate exercise. I swear I can be the laziest person on the earth. I need to get my body moving.

Mr. Short guy hasn’t contacted me since I sent that you could have call me email. Oh well, not a big deal. I am in the mode if it is meant to be it will be.

 The lottery is up high this week. The mega millions and powerball are over 100 million. I know it is a shot in hell to win. I have to give a shot like everyone else. I did the office pool as usual and my own personal numbers I choose. Picking my own numbers can’t be any different from a quick pick in my book.

I remember years ago a 19-year-old won the pot using his siblings birthdays. It is nice to dream. I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money. I guess the answer is what ever the hell I want to do. LOL!!! Today is a good day and I feel good. When I see the glass half full things always seem better.

OCD

I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I know this is a disease and I am not trying to make light of it. I have not been diagnosed but when it comes to certain things I go into OCD mode.

I want a baby. I am obsessed with this want. I have been obsessed over other things over the years. I have made them happen. Granted those things were more in my control. My family tells me when I want something I make sure I get it.

Receiving a college degree. Going to college was not a requirement in my family. All my family at the time just had a high school diploma. I made it happen even thought I didn’t have the money. I worked my ass off. Every summer and during school I had many jobs.

I wanted to move to Georgia. I made it happen. To some that might seem like a big thing. My family will live and die in Boston. It was rare for anyone to leave Boston. They barely come and visit. That tells you how much they won’t leave that place. So for me to escape was a big deal. My uncle (RIP) told me I would be back. Which I was totally pissed off when he said that. He wasn’t referring to me coming back on my own terms. It was you will fail miserable and be back here. That has not happened. Thank god.

I have had some rough patches but in no way have I failed. In the single mother by choice community you have the thinkers and tryers. They don’t have a want to be tryer but needs money group. That would be my people if they did.

When I went to the meeting I was feeling so less then. These women had high-powered jobs. I have a decent job, but it isn’t high-powered and not high paying. Granted I could have done better with my finances. I think I have done pretty well. I have a perfect credit score. Which is a big feat coming from a woman who doesn’t like to pay bills. Good credit does not equate to disposable income. Which I am lacking big time. The only thing standing in my way is money. I stay in my fantasies about this money showing up.

I know I need to do something to make it happen. I have no idea what. Everyone is just trying to make it these days. I am a paycheck away from poverty. It is sad that I feel like my hands are tied. I text my ex boyfriend and told him I hate him. I know it was childish. I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t care I do hate him. He was my way to make this baby thing happen.

Being back at square one sucks. He text back thanks for that information. I am going to keep praying. Something needs to happen. I am not a patient person. I already picked out my donor. I know that is crazy since I don’t have the money in order to purchase his DNA. Every guy I meet that doesn’t fit the bill, draws me into being a SMC.

When I am ready to throw the charge card down then I have totally reached the end of the road. Truly I can’t afford it. When it gets to the point that I don’t care one way or another. The the last straw has emerged.

Breakup to Makeup

I have been feeling lost since the breakup. I was single for three and  a half years prior to this relationship. To clarify I called no one my boyfriend, but dated. I was enjoying having a relationship even with the drama. To be attached to someone. Relationships are hard and I am always eager to quit when it doesn’t seem to be going my way. A trait I learned from my mom.

Well he texts me and we ended up on the phone. He missed me!!! 🙂 I missed him also. I am still apprehensive we will end up in the same place eventually. We agreed to get back together. I have to say I was smiling. I wasn’t thinking is the rational, is this going to work. I was purely happy.

He came over and we had a face to face. I assigned both of us homework. Things we need from this relationship for it to work. We will be discussing it in a week. I thought that was being proactive. Instead of going right back to the same routine. That clearly doesn’t work.

With the breakup I was also upset of having to find another baby making plan. I wasn’t going to go up to another man with “you want to be my baby’s daddy?’ The sperm bank would have been my next stop.  So I haven’t decided if I am going to try Soy Isoflavones again on try Clomid. He has agreed to take a few days of for the big O. I am excited to actually really try this up coming cycle.

I am also happy to have him back. He also came back to me. With an apology of his behavior. They say if something is for you it will come back to you. Will this work? I have no idea. One day at a time we will see.

Making Up is Great!!

I mentioned in another post the boyfriend and I were having issues. Well it all came to a head over the labor day weekend. There was steam coming out of my ears. Then the argument over the issues. Not our worst from prior dating, but still not nice. We both tend to hit below the belt. We also tend to not totally listen to the other when trying to prove our point. Then of course I will pick out things said and turn them around to prove my point. Which he quickly noticed and made the comment of needing to be a lawyer or something. Either way relationships are not easy. I cannot remember one relationship I was in that was easy.  I care for this man. I know he cares for me. We came to a compromise that night. You could still hear hurt feelings on both sides in our voices. Then the next day I got a text asking me how I was doing. I wrote back fine and I asked him if he was mad. He said no and asked me the same. I said no, which I wasn’t. I was actually glad it was over. That day we hung out and it was great. Making up is great!! It would also be great never to argue but shit happens and no one lied to me and told me life was easy!!!