Ok, now that Ava will be three very soon, no more early intervention. I have to take her to all these test. I already didn’t like the tone of the woman when I initially had to sign the papers.
I got the impression there were trying to screw my kid out of services. She was nice nasty. She wasn’t mean or nice. Everyone wants to sell me on two pull out speech therapy. I want more than that. My kid does not talk. I want more then two sessions.
I already am looking into outside speech for her. Which I will have to drive and it will cost a co-pay and parking. Things could always be worse, I keep thinking to myself.
I have an advocate for my IEP. I need someone there who knows the laws. I don’t want to be screwed because I was ignorant to what they should give my baby. All this shit is hard. Hard to know if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to make any mistakes. There is no real way to know if I am making the right decision!!!
Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.
Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!
My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.
I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.
The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.
I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.
My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.
My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.
I am waiting to see if my company will settle there issue with me. Or small claims court here I come. I am not going to be walked over. As my aunt said I have education, I will find another job. If they make my job difficult they will have another lawsuit on there hands.
All this to say, I drank coffee at 9:30pm to work on many things. My YouTube channel. I will add the latest video at the end. My possible writing gig. Also looking for a new job. Not sure how much will be taken care of this evening. After two cups of coffee I am still yawning. I am going to make my best efforts.
I am concerned about Ava and her development. Her speech isn’t coming the way I think it should. I say think because I have no idea how this is supposed to happen. What I read on line she is not doing. I have a doctor’s appointment this Thursday coming up. I will discuss it with the doctor. See if she needs some early intervention. Which is free in Massachusetts.
I was talking to my friend who owned a daycare for a number of years. She told me what to do, to help her speech. Then she heard her say up on the phone. I didn’t hear it. Now I am starting to think I need to have my hearing check. With bum ass job and it B.S. health insurance. I will wait until I get another job and better benefits. I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t afford to get sick. Even the benefits lady who was telling us about it called it the don’t get sick plan. Is corp America really that bad. I would have to say hell yes.
I want another baby. I know right I must be smoking crack. As much as I bitch and complain. I think we would be complete as a family of three. Just a dream at the moment. Something to pray about. Hey Ava was just a thought also. I believe it can be possible. I know I will have less help because my mother is doing the best she can now and it is a stretch. Reality is a bitch!!! My fantasy world is amazing!!!
So it looks like I will be suing my job in small claims court. Everything isn’t final yet, but I don’t feel like dealing with this drama. In the same breath you will not walk all over me.
On the good news side. I might be a contributing writer on a website about different families. I would of course write about being a single mother by choice. I am so excited. My aunt asked are you going to get paid. Of course not. You don’t have to get paid for everything. You never know where it could lead.
My YouTube channel I was contacted by a reality show. You know I would never be on know reality show. They wanted me to do an interview because they were in the creative process of the show. I haven’t seen anything and they haven’t contacted me since the interview. So I have no idea where that was going to go.
It is funny how social media effects a lot of people and things. I did a video on Sears.com sucks and they contacted me to fix the problem. Which they really didn’t do anything but offer me ten bucks. I then did a sears.com sucks part #2. I also did a video on a cowboy bar that I had a great time. They contacted me and said thanks for the great review.
I know these youngings have made YouTube work for them financially. I have no idea how to do that. I am also not going to make video’s about things that do not interests me. Just to make money. Then it will feel like a job. I already have one of those that actually pays my bills. I feel like the old lady into social media. Hey there is a place for me. I do have followers and women have contacted me in all parts of my journey. I feel like I am helping people. That is what I really wanted to do. The only women talking about getting inseminated for the most part was lesbians. I felt we were not represents. Even thought I now several lesbian who are single mother by choice. When you see the video’s and you see it is two people on the journey and excited about a baby. That is not my journey. It is me alone, doing everything alone. I felt that wasn’t represented.
My daughter has been a sleep for three hours. Can I say loving it. Got a lot done. Even looking at my fantasy house I would buy if I won the lottery. Yes, I love to live in my head. My life is good but fantasy world is beyond amazing. She woke up but went back to sleep already after I change her diaper. I was going to give her a snack. I guess not a biggie for her. When she wakes up I will feed her dinner. Give her a bath and spend time with my baby.
I don’t think me and masonry guy are going to work out. I called and we chatted for a few minutes. He told me he works a lot and don’t do much else. I hate when men kicks disclaimers. I like you have no time for you. So if you are interested you have to deal with the bullshit. Even thought this man is beyond sexy. I can’t deal with the bullshit. Then he also said call me. WTF!!! If you are interested in me you can call me. I am not going to stalk you like I have nothing better to do.
He did put a little pep in my step by hitting on me. But sorry dude I can buy what you are selling. I have lost seven pounds since I have been back on my program. Finally the scale going down instead of up. 52 more pounds to go and I will be back to my fighting weight. Granted I don’t fight, I use that to say the weight I feel I look the best. In clothes at least. The abuse I have done with my body from being very overweight most of my life will need plastic surgery to fix.
I am over my issues with my body by now. Not the fat part, I will probably deal with that my whole life. The fact that no matter how skinny I get. I will have sagging skin etc. Just like my flat ass, I am over it. I am 40 it is what it is.
All is good in my world. I still haven’t made it to SMC meeting. I am working on it!!!!
I am actually living my dreams. I wanted to move home. I wanted a baby and now I have a job. I will be starting on Monday. It is blowing my mind that I have been out of work for almost nine months. I am in debt for sure, but I made it and haven’t messed up my credit. Of course the day I start will be a snow storm. I am going to try and find me some thermal socks and better gloves tomorrow. I decided that I am taking the bus and train to work. The monthly pass is expensive. I still feel it would be cheaper then gas and wear and tear on a old car.
If you read my blog you know I am pretty goal orientated. I am fitting into my smaller clothes and loving it. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get into the rest of my clothes. I am on my way.
My next goal is to get out of debt. This mission to have a baby has did a number on my debt to income ratio. I am sick of owing people. Living with my mother gives me a financial boost to start to pick away the debt.
I am going to start this job with a budget. First order of business is get my savings to healthy amount. My savings have been depleted in a big way. Then I am going to work on my debt while also saving. Once I am totally out of debt I am buying myself a new car.
On another note, I told the plumber I am not interested in dating him. I am getting a few red flags from him. He seems very controlling. I do not do controlling he would really see the ugly side of me. I don’t like being told what to do. He tried to play stupid when I told him how I felt. He can play that mess all he wants too. I know what I said and I meant it. I am moving on. I have a few things on my plate. I am open to meet a guy and have some sex in my life. Yes it is getting dusty down there. I have no idea where I would fit that guy in. I don’t have the free time I use to have. I am sure I will figure it out.
I emailed my ex. When I get lonely I start looking up the ghost of Christmas passed. My baby is sleeping right next to me. I am typing this on my tablet because turning on a computer right now just seems like to much trouble.
He is married. Which annoyed me. In a way I am glad he is happy. On another hand I want a husband. Not him, since all we did was fight and he never seemed to get himself together. He was sent tall and the sex was great. That isn’t the recipe for long term. He was the biggest asshole. We tried to date twice and both times ended badly. I actually deleted his number, I emailed him. I also tried to look up another ex with no luck. I guess that is for the best. I am feeling blue. The plumber still likes me but he has a lot going on. Which I don’t think I want to be involved in.
God has answered my prayers in a lot of ways. I am 208. L
osing 30 pounds has put a big smile on my face. 43 more pounds and I will be a cutie pie. At least I will be feeling like the old me. Confident especially with my body. Granted I don’t have a hard body but I feel so much better when I am not carrying a bunch of excess weight.
The plumber might be my next known donor.
On a good note I won on another scratch ticket. I haven’t scratch how much. I wanted to fantasy for a while it was the top prize. I am enjoying the fantasy then scratching it and finding out it’s a free ticket.