IEP HELL

Ok, now that Ava will be three very soon, no more early intervention. I have to take her to all these test. I already didn’t like the tone of the woman when I initially had to sign the papers.

I got the impression there were trying to screw my kid out of services. She was nice nasty. She wasn’t mean or nice. Everyone wants to sell me on two pull out speech therapy. I want more than that. My kid does not talk. I want more then two sessions.

I already am looking into outside speech for her. Which I will have to drive and it will cost a co-pay and parking. Things could always be worse, I keep thinking to myself.

I have an advocate for my IEP. I need someone there who knows the laws. I don’t want to be screwed because I was ignorant to what they should give my baby. All this shit is hard. Hard to know if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to make any mistakes. There is no real way to know if I am making the right decision!!!

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Things keep moving!!!

Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.

Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!

My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.

I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.

The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.

I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.

My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.

My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.

New job pronto!!

I am waiting to see if my company will settle there issue with me. Or small claims court here I come. I am not going to be walked over. As my aunt said I have education, I will find another job. If they make my job difficult they will have another lawsuit on there hands.

All this to say, I drank coffee at 9:30pm to work on many things. My YouTube channel. I will add the latest video at the end. My possible writing gig. Also looking for a new job. Not sure how much will be taken care of this evening. After two cups of coffee I am still yawning. I am going to make my best efforts.

I am concerned about Ava and her development. Her speech isn’t coming the way I think it should. I say think because I have no idea how this is supposed to happen. What I read on line she is not doing. I have a doctor’s appointment this Thursday coming up. I will discuss it with the doctor. See if she needs some early intervention. Which is free in Massachusetts.

I was talking to my friend who owned a daycare for a number of years. She told me what to do, to help her speech. Then she heard her say up on the phone. I didn’t hear it. Now I am starting to think I need to have my hearing check. With bum ass job and it B.S. health insurance. I will wait until I get another job and better benefits. I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t afford to get sick. Even the benefits lady who was telling us about it called it the don’t get sick plan. Is corp America really that bad. I would have to say hell yes.

I want another baby. I know right I must be smoking crack. As much as I bitch and complain. I think we would be complete as a family of three. Just a dream at the moment. Something to pray about. Hey Ava was just a thought also. I believe it can be possible. I know I will have less help because my mother is doing the best she can now and it is a stretch. Reality is a bitch!!! My fantasy world is amazing!!!

Life and more life!!!

So it looks like I will be suing my job in small claims court. Everything isn’t final yet, but I don’t feel like dealing with this drama. In the same breath you will not walk all over me.

On the good news side. I might be a contributing writer on a website about different families. I would of course write about being a single mother by choice. I am so excited. My aunt asked are you going to get paid. Of course not. You don’t have to get paid for everything. You never know where it could lead.

My YouTube channel I was contacted by a reality show. You know I would never be on know reality show. They wanted me to do an interview because they were in the creative process of the show. I haven’t seen anything and they haven’t contacted me since the interview. So I have no idea where that was going to go.

It is funny how social media effects a lot of people and things. I did a video on Sears.com sucks and they contacted me to fix the problem. Which they really didn’t do anything but offer me ten bucks. I then did a sears.com sucks part #2. I also did a video on a cowboy bar that I had a great time. They contacted me and said thanks for the great review.

I know these youngings have made YouTube work for them financially. I have no idea how to do that. I am also not going to make video’s about things that do not interests me. Just to make money. Then it will feel like a job. I already have one of those that actually pays my bills. I feel like the old lady into social media. Hey there is a place for me. I do have followers and women have contacted me in all parts of my journey. I feel like I am helping people. That is what I really wanted to do. The only women talking about getting inseminated for the most part was lesbians. I felt we were not represents. Even thought I now several lesbian who are single mother by choice. When you see the video’s and you see it is two people on the journey and excited about a baby. That is not my journey. It is me alone, doing everything alone. I felt that wasn’t represented.

Someone is tired!!

My daughter has been a sleep for three hours. Can I say loving it. Got a lot done. Even looking at my fantasy house I would buy if I won the lottery. Yes, I love to live in my head. My life is good but fantasy world is beyond amazing.  She woke up but went back to sleep already after I change her diaper. I was going to give her a snack. I guess not a biggie for her. When she wakes up I will feed her dinner. Give her a bath and spend time with my baby.

I don’t think me and masonry guy are going to work out. I called and we chatted for a few minutes. He told me he works a lot and don’t do much else. I hate when men kicks disclaimers. I like you have no time for you. So if you are interested you have to deal with the bullshit. Even thought this man is beyond sexy. I can’t deal with the bullshit. Then he also said call me. WTF!!! If you are interested in me you can call me. I am not going to stalk you like I have nothing better to do.

He did put a little pep in my step by hitting on me. But sorry dude I can buy what you are selling. I have lost seven pounds since I have been back on my program. Finally the scale going down instead of up. 52 more pounds to go and I will be back to my fighting weight. Granted I don’t fight, I use that to say the weight I feel I look the best. In clothes at least. The abuse I have done with my body from being very overweight most of my life will need plastic surgery to fix.

I am over my issues with my body by now. Not the fat part, I will probably deal with that my whole life. The fact that no matter how skinny I get. I will have sagging skin etc. Just like my flat ass, I am over it. I am 40 it is what it is.

All is good in my world. I still haven’t made it to SMC meeting. I am working on it!!!!

Living the dream!

I am actually living my dreams. I wanted to move home. I wanted a baby and now I have a job. I will be starting on Monday. It is blowing my mind that I have been out of work for almost nine months. I am in debt for sure, but I made it and haven’t messed up my credit. Of course the day I start will be a snow storm. I am going to try and find me some thermal socks and better gloves tomorrow. I decided that I am taking the bus and train to work. The monthly pass is expensive. I still feel it would be cheaper then gas and wear and tear on a old car.

If you read my blog you know I am pretty goal orientated. I am fitting into my smaller clothes and loving it. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get into the rest of my clothes. I am on my way.

My next goal is to get out of debt. This mission to have a baby has did a number on my debt to income ratio. I am sick of owing people. Living with my mother gives me a financial boost to start to pick away the debt.

I am going to start this job with a budget. First order of business is get my savings to healthy amount. My savings have been depleted in a big way. Then I am going to work on my debt while also saving. Once I am totally out of debt I am buying myself a new car.

On another note, I told the plumber I am not interested in dating him. I am getting a few red flags from him. He seems very controlling. I do not do controlling he would really see the ugly side of me. I don’t like being told what to do. He tried to play stupid when I told him how I felt. He can play that mess all he wants too. I know what I said and I meant it. I am moving on. I have a few things on my plate. I am open to meet a guy and have some sex in my life. Yes it is getting dusty down there. I have no idea where I would fit that guy in. I don’t have the free time I use to have. I am sure I will figure it out.

Feeling some type of way.

I emailed  my ex. When I get lonely I start looking  up the ghost  of Christmas passed. My baby is sleeping  right next to me.  I am typing  this on my tablet because  turning on a computer  right now just seems like to much trouble. 
He is married. Which annoyed  me.  In a way I am glad he is happy.  On another hand I want a husband.  Not him,  since all we did was fight and he never  seemed to get himself  together. He was sent tall and the sex was great.  That isn’t  the recipe  for long term. He was the biggest  asshole.  We tried to date twice and both times ended badly.  I actually  deleted his number, I emailed him. I also tried  to look up another  ex with no luck.  I guess  that is for the best.  I am feeling blue.  The plumber still likes me but he has a lot going  on. Which  I don’t think I want to be involved  in.
God has answered  my prayers  in  a lot of ways.  I am 208. L
osing 30 pounds has put a big smile  on my face. 43 more pounds  and I will be a cutie pie.  At least  I will be feeling like the old me. Confident  especially with my body. Granted I don’t  have a hard body but I feel  so much better when I am not carrying  a bunch of excess weight.
The plumber might be my next known donor.
On a good note I won on another  scratch ticket. I haven’t  scratch  how much.  I wanted  to fantasy for a while  it was the top prize. I am enjoying  the fantasy then scratching it and finding  out it’s a free ticket.

Day 3 Off GOOD EATS

I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed.  I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.

He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.

So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An  hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.

So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work.  They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.

 

Baby project begins!

I will be at my first appointment for baby project tomorrow. 9am will be the beginning of this journey. Still very scared of the financial portion. I did see the amount I might have to pay for my blood work. My insurance company emails me the claims. It was 300 bucks. Yeah me!! I thought it would be a lot more than that. So we are starting off great.

Tomorrow appointment is going to be more than that. I know this is what I signed up for. I am still scared to death.

I am also coming to the clear realization I am in love with my ex. I always knew it in the back of my head. Just because you love someone does in no way mean they are good for you. All that remains to be seen with him. Also not my focus at the moment.

I didn’t go to acupuncture this weekend. Probably should have but didn’t feel like the drive and reporting the news I am not pregnant. I am going to head out there next weekend.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s house and had Nigerian food. It was great. I really like it. Shocking to me because I can be very picky. I do love West Indian food and it had some major similarities.

The ex did come over. We were supposed to go to dinner, but he was too late for that. He did take this big box to my car for Good Will. I am starting to see the issues of living on a third floor.  I did actually start putting my apartment together last night. Of course I got motivated after six pm.  Which left me well into the night putting stuff together. I still have a bunch of boxes all over the place.  Slowly it is coming together. I am glad I have a storage closet off my balcony. I am keeping all my boxes for later moving.

A good friend I haven’t talked to in a while called. I love hearing from her. She is one of the few people who came to visit me in Georgia. I really need to make it out to VA to see her. Not to mention I have family that live in the VA, DC area.  My mom ran into her mother recently. Her mom asked my mom about me coming home. My mom had to inform her that is on hold for a while. I ran my mouth so much about leaving, but not as much about staying. That is clear from all the people taking an interest of me being in Boston. I was planing to move last month. The major thing that sucks about GA compared to MA. MA has a mandate that the health insurance covers fertility. That would be so nice to have right now.

I decided it time to get back on point with my faith and working with the law. I am breaking out that book that was given to me years ago.  I need to find it. Working with the law. When I really got into it, I saw major positive things happen in my life. I believe they were happen all along, I wasn’t appreciating them.  It is time to get back on board.

I went to the gym yesterday and going today. I re committed myself to myfitnesspal. I am 210 pounds. Yes I am admitting that on my blog. I am six-foot tall, so I am not huge. I know I need to lose at least 30 pounds. That will all be on hold when I am pregnant. (Notice that I said when, Staying positive!!!). But for now, no junk and overeating. I clearly have a lot on my plate. Keeping hope alive!!!!

 

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!