Day 3 Off GOOD EATS

I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed.  I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.

He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.

So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An  hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.

So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work.  They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.

 

Baby project begins!

I will be at my first appointment for baby project tomorrow. 9am will be the beginning of this journey. Still very scared of the financial portion. I did see the amount I might have to pay for my blood work. My insurance company emails me the claims. It was 300 bucks. Yeah me!! I thought it would be a lot more than that. So we are starting off great.

Tomorrow appointment is going to be more than that. I know this is what I signed up for. I am still scared to death.

I am also coming to the clear realization I am in love with my ex. I always knew it in the back of my head. Just because you love someone does in no way mean they are good for you. All that remains to be seen with him. Also not my focus at the moment.

I didn’t go to acupuncture this weekend. Probably should have but didn’t feel like the drive and reporting the news I am not pregnant. I am going to head out there next weekend.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s house and had Nigerian food. It was great. I really like it. Shocking to me because I can be very picky. I do love West Indian food and it had some major similarities.

The ex did come over. We were supposed to go to dinner, but he was too late for that. He did take this big box to my car for Good Will. I am starting to see the issues of living on a third floor.  I did actually start putting my apartment together last night. Of course I got motivated after six pm.  Which left me well into the night putting stuff together. I still have a bunch of boxes all over the place.  Slowly it is coming together. I am glad I have a storage closet off my balcony. I am keeping all my boxes for later moving.

A good friend I haven’t talked to in a while called. I love hearing from her. She is one of the few people who came to visit me in Georgia. I really need to make it out to VA to see her. Not to mention I have family that live in the VA, DC area.  My mom ran into her mother recently. Her mom asked my mom about me coming home. My mom had to inform her that is on hold for a while. I ran my mouth so much about leaving, but not as much about staying. That is clear from all the people taking an interest of me being in Boston. I was planing to move last month. The major thing that sucks about GA compared to MA. MA has a mandate that the health insurance covers fertility. That would be so nice to have right now.

I decided it time to get back on point with my faith and working with the law. I am breaking out that book that was given to me years ago.  I need to find it. Working with the law. When I really got into it, I saw major positive things happen in my life. I believe they were happen all along, I wasn’t appreciating them.  It is time to get back on board.

I went to the gym yesterday and going today. I re committed myself to myfitnesspal. I am 210 pounds. Yes I am admitting that on my blog. I am six-foot tall, so I am not huge. I know I need to lose at least 30 pounds. That will all be on hold when I am pregnant. (Notice that I said when, Staying positive!!!). But for now, no junk and overeating. I clearly have a lot on my plate. Keeping hope alive!!!!

 

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.