Depression and complaining

I am not a complainer. I have suffered from depression my whole life. Doctors have always said it isn’t bad enough to go on drugs. Which I don’t want to go on drugs. I took them one time and the outcome was crazy. I have enough drugs I have to take for my neurological condition.

So a friend said she had a bone to pick with me. No need to go into all of it. Then I said look I am depressed and have a lot going on in my life. She said to see a therapist. I told her where am I supposed to fit that in. Here are my issues with a therapist. You have to have time for them. Which I don’t. It is hard to find one you like. Not all therapist are equal. I have been to therapist lets say five times in my life. I only had success with one. The woman that was there for me when I had all those miscarriages and thought I would never be a mother. That lady was great.

My friend said why didn’t I say anything to her about my depression. I am not a complainer. Complaining doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I know a few women in my life that will let the complaints fly. Now I there is a difference from sharing the hard things going on in your life to straight up complaining. I have friends I share with. Complaining I don’t do. There is nothing to be gained. What can anyone do about my depression. I can’t do anything about anyone else depression.

I am not a therapist and I actually have a friend finishing a school for therapy. She said we are friends and she can’t be my therapist. I still run things by her. LOLOL.

I remember someone telling me why  complain no one is listening.!!!

Introvert Guilt

I can be in the house all the time with no light and never want to leave. I have always been an introvert. Sometimes my house being a safe haven was much more comfortable to me than going out into the world. I will go to work by groceries and pay my bills. My free time would be in the house entertaining myself with movies, online, etc. I never felt like I was missing anything. I was in my own world of happiness.

Now with a child, I feel guilty about that tendency of mine. If she could talk I would like her to give me insight on what she wants to do. I have no idea if my daughter loves the park to the mall. She actually shows no excitement for either.  The only time I saw a real smile was the trampoline place. We have been twice and going again this month.

I knew I would have to get out the house when I had a kid. I was hoping that kid could help me with the process. My daughter isn’t capable of that help. She also doesn’t seem to care if she is the living room all day with her tablet, TV, and toys.

She does like to leave the house. We were at the door about to leave. I forgot something closed the door to get it. She fell to the floor upset that we weren’t leaving. Ava is really a go with the flow type. I had the last visit with the BSBA (supervisor) ABA person. She said she has progressed and does not have the behavior issues. I am really thankful for that. I enjoyed staying in the house this weekend. She woke up at 4 am two nights in a row. My mother lets me have a nap. I slept for three and half hours.  I let Ava have a late night which I will pay for when it is really time to go to bed. I needed a break. So I let her sleep. The shit you do to survive mentally. #mommyproblems

TGIF!!

I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.

Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.

I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.

I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.

I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.