Quality time!!

The man and I had a little while to ourselves. My daughter loves her show on the sprout network. So while she was entertained. We spent two shows together. I know that is a damn shame. Such is my life. I love my mom. I will start with that statement. To put things into perspective. She drives me completely crazy. I have had several roommate situation. Everyone things I am great. My mother wants to make me 12 again, and bitch about nonsense. She is the one who has always had drama in living situation. I am starting to realize the factor in her drama is her.

She gets in these moods and then she wants to be mad at everything. So today I was supposed to get my nails done. I usually do them myself. Ava is not the kids to wait patiently anywhere.  My mother watches her all the time. I asked her and it seems to fall through every time. I don’t mind doing my own nails. The feet and hands needs some professional attention. Then I can go back to doing it myself.

So I complained to the man, and he said he would go with me and Ava. He would watch her in the shop. If she gets out of hand he would take her to the car. Sounded great. Even thought he can be hard to catch up with. My mom took that as a slight and said why you going to do that. I will watch her. Why, Why did I fall for that shit. I was supposed to get my nails done last week. I said well lets wait until Sunday it is raining. I should have jumped at the chance.

She came home with an attitude. I didn’t wash the dishes ( Long story which is it own type of crazy) There was four dishes in the sink and sweet Jesus I wish I washed them now. She got her attitude. Which I know has nothing to do with the damn dishes. She is just in a bad mood. I am hear, I have to listen to the crazy.

Sunday comes she lets me take a nap. Great I am thinking her mood is over. After I wake up feed Ava and think OK going to get my nails done. Feeling like a felon about to be out on release. She starts yelling. My mother doesn’t talk when she mad. Everything is yelling. I tend to do it also. I apologize to the man when necessary. I feed Ava put her to sleep, which was supposed to be the nail time. Moms took a shower, got dressed and left.

I wasn’t in shock more expected. She might come back and say I can go. She might not speak to me all day. Who knows how this is going to play out. When I didn’t have a child in the mix that I need her help with. This wouldn’t be a problem at all. Her moods would be just that when I lived here. Now having a child in situation and I need her help I am stuck. I hate when someone has the upper hand on me. It drives me crazy. One of the reason I left and moved so far away. I know this isn’t the biggest problem in the world. My hands and feet will be alright until I get them done. It is just a pain in the ass.

Santa is not her friend!!!

Merry Christmas

She isn’t feeling the big Red guy at all. I got the picture at Walmart. The Santa was sitting there. I asked could we take a picture he said sure. I added the rest to the picture. I didn’t have to sit in a two hour line to get the same awful crying picture. Win, win!!!

I have all the gifts wrapped. Waiting for two presents in the mail. The guy I am dating which we will call Dave from now on. Dave and I drove to three stores last Wednesday to find the play kitchen. After all that traveling with no luck. I ended up ordering it online. I swear you can’t find anything in the stores any more. I also ordered my mother a toaster oven. Since she doesn’t read my blog the secret is safe. They should both be here by the 19th. 20151213_215908-1

I finally found a topper for the tree. I am happy with are Charlie Brown tree. I know I am dating myself with that reference. All the people around my age knows what I mean.

I didn’t do anything last year. She was so small. I doubt she has any understanding now. She did walk over and touch the presents like what is that.

I have a new doctor which I really like. I left that clinic I was at and went somewhere totally different. The woman took her time and was very patient with my concerns. I have to schedule a hearing test and I will be having a delay specialist consultation. All in all a productive visit. Just on a side note. When we are in the car and the music is playing, I swear she is singing with the song. Not totally sure, but it sure seems like it.

I was talking to another single mother by choice friend. We were discussing our children challenges.  There is nothing that could happen that would make me not want to be her mother. I love this little girl so much. More then myself. I cried  and begged god to bring me her. Now my Christmas are special again. My life is revitalized because she is a part of it. I am her mom and it the most important job of my life!!!!!!!

Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Holiday Blues

I been in Ga for 13 years. I never go home for the holidays for several reason. A little more than half of those years I spent Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. This year the plans fell through. I was more disappointed than usual. I usually don’t care if I do anything on the holidays. I am not the holiday type person. Every since my grandmother died when I was 18, I haven’t care much about it. I asked my friend is it because I am pregnant. She said yes it is because you are pregnant. I missed my mom and my family and wished I was going to my god mothers with my mother and aunt. I will be home next year.

This weekend I spent a lot of time in the bed. This might be TMI so you can skip if you like. I was having some burning in the lower area. I ended up at urgent care. I couldn’t take it and my OBGYN wouldn’t have an appointment until Monday. Come to find out I was dehydrated and my urine was making me burn. When the doctor told me that I looked at him like WTF, I never heard of that crap. Come to find out he was right. I took some cranberry pills and drank  a lot of water and it went away. Thank you Jesus, because that crap was no joke. Then I had this crazy two-day headache. Also for being dehydrated.

I was having a hard time lugging the water bottles up three flights of stairs. I do drink a lot of water at work. With the extended vacation that wasn’t happening. I went to Walmart and got a Britta water filter pitcher. I am peeing all the time, but up on the water intake. I had a long talk with an old friend. She is so excited for me to come home. I am looking forward to reconnecting and also finding new friends.

I tried on my work pants on Sunday. They still fit no maternity pants yet. Yeppie, I did a dance in the middle of the floor. The gap did have a sale and I got the 64.00 maternity tall pants I been eyeing for half off. I have to say that was a great day. I also had to return some Wal-Mart maternity shirts that were too tight. What I noticed was the material was very cheap. I been wearing sweaters I got from the thrift shop. My co-worker said I don’t look pregnant yet. I am almost four months in a couple of weeks. I am feeling better, but every time I say that out loud I start feeling bad.

Another friend wants to do my babies shower. I told her my other friends would help with the food. She said no it will be her present to me. I was shocked that she would go out of her way like that. It is nice to be liked and loved!!! She put a smile on my face that day. I still want her to share the expense. I am old-school. Have a few friends bring some food and call it a day. She was adamant she didn’t want help with the food. Someone could bring the cake. Another friend volunteered to do that. I told her it doesn’t have to be anything special a sheet cake would be fine. I heard another NO!! I can get you a baby shower cake. All these people extending their kindness. Tells me I need to appreciate the people in my life and realize I have real friends. They are priceless!!!

 

11 Weeks and 5 days

In two days I will be officially on my way to the second trimester. Woo Hoo. Still sick, the midwife said it might be the prenatal making me sick.  I gained five pounds in a month. I was told that was not a good thing. I got to hear the heart beat. It sounded like white nose. It took a minute for me to hear the actual beat. I asked her a lot of questions and that was pretty much it. Tomorrow when I see the Fetal Medicine Doctor I believe it will be more exciting.

My mind has been on this transition back to Boston allot lately.  I really don’t miss Boston I miss my family. They are in Boston and never leaving, so I have no choice but to make the move.

In recent family drama, my cousin just got out of prison. He has been there since I was 13 years old. I am 38 almost 39 years. His crimes I am not going to discuss but they were heinous and against women. He is going around to seek out family members to say hello. He went to my mothers job and said do you know me. Then finally revealed himself as her nephew. I told my mother I have no interest in seeing him or being friends. My mom said he served his time. Yeah what ever. The things he did to get his ass locked up is not redeemable to me. He should have died in prison. I am not the family gets a pass type of person. He shouldn’t be walking the streets in my opinion. What makes me feel good is I am sure he has no idea what I look like. I hope he doesn’t think he is going to get invites to any of my family functions. If he happens to be at any other I will not be there.

You stand for something or fall for anything. After being a victim myself  of a man I refused to accommodate that. On a lighter note I am starting to feel a little better. I am hoping this worked day ends quickly. I am ready to call it a day!!

Making it another day!

I am sick but not as sick. So hard to explain. I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was very disappointed. There isn’t much in the sections and they are expensive. We ended up at the thrift shop in the plus size section. I am going to get some maternity tank tops and figure it out. I also need some additional maternity pants which I think I can find online. I am still comfortable in my regular pants. I am afraid one day I am going to pop and not be prepared. I am not ashamed to where my one pair of pants for several days.

A guy from college got in touch with me via Facebook to meet. He was in town. I felt like he was squeezing me in. He couldn’t tell me ahead of time he was coming into town. The fact that he doesn’t have my phone number and contacting me through Facebook says a lot. I feel fat, have pimples on my face and tired as hell. It wasn’t going to happen. I have to say I been feeling lonely lately.

My aunt wants to come visit. She has her own agenda. I told her if she thinks I am driving her around town, then that is a hell no. When she is here I usually try my best to do what she wants. My therapist told me I am not responsible to take someone everywhere they want to go when they visit. I told her this and she agreed a few months ago. No she is back saying when do you want me to visit. I have no energy to entertain anyone. I am freaking tired. I lay in the bed all day on the weekends. I have to push myself to do everything. So unless she wants to sit in the house I suggest she does not come and visit me. My aunt doesn’t like hearing the word no. She told me I was mean. She wants to go to this hairdresser her daughter in law had at her wedding. I am not the hair chick. So I don’t get why this is so important. Also not my problem. She can keep asking I am going to tell her the same answer. I am not taking you to some hairdresser 40 minutes away from my house to wait or come back for you. It is freaking hair. I say this as my hair has been looking beyond crazy these days. I am going to have to figure out what the hell I am going to do with it one of these days. As least as possible is what I feel at the moment.

So if I don’t care about my own hair. I damn sure don’t care about hers. Sorry I have no time to worry about anyone else. Me and pumpkin as my mom calls the baby. My main and only concern. If your mad be mad. I have to say I don’t care and I mean I really don’t care.

 

Day by Day

I am trying to function everyday. I am so tired it is crazy. The nap I take in my car at lunch time feels like ten seconds instead of 45 min. I talked to a friend I met many years ago at a job. She offered to plan my baby-shower. To early for that but I was so thrilled. I planned hers with one of her friends years ago. I love this friend dearly. Even thought we do not talk much at all. She is married with two kids.

Even thought we do not speak often, I always felt she cared about me. I also care about her. She will talk to me about things going on in her life for advise. She respects my opinion. She can be to nice like myself. I told her I had to stop that nice shit for my own sanity.

First doctors appointment coming up. I am nervous. I don’t know what to expect. My old roommate offered her girlfriend to take me to doctor appointments. She said she would love to go. I hate asking people for things. I don’t know why I have always been that way. I am going to take her up on it when more time has passed. It would be nice to have someone share the experience with.

My mom expressed she wish she could go to the doctor’s with me. That would have been so nice. The issues of living so far away from home. Sometimes I regret that decision I made  to move years ago. Then I realized I had to live my life and experience all I have. I always have in the back of my mind what would have been different if I stayed in Boston.

My life hasn’t always been boring like it is. I was a party girl when I first got here. I had a lot of fun and stories of 2001 when I landed in Georgia. I will never have that crystal ball to see how things would have been different. Or that potion to rewind my age. I been watching to many movies. Someone told me a long time ago. Appreciate your life it isn’t a dress rehearsal you only get to do it once. That means a lot at this age. I really made steps to accomplish some dreams. I am not going to stop I am going to keep moving along.

Yesterday in the grocery store someone asked me when I am due. I do not look pregnant. I am just fat and my weight goes in my stomach when I am fat. I was asked the same question for many years being overweight. I thought she asked what I did. It ended in an awkward silence. Eventually  I know will have to answer that question. My feelings were hurt from the question. I know I am going to tackle this weight issue. Just not right now.

Kind of Early

I am six weeks as of today. I think, this whole counting system is strange to me.

I am not sleeping straight through the night. I am getting up three or four times. I am really thirsty or have to pee. So interesting, I have never been the one to not sleep. I don’t have to throw up, but I have this sour stomach all day. I am taking this all in stride. This is what I wanted and asked for. I really don’t want to throw up at work.  My office is not close to the bathroom. Also if anyone is in there while I lose my cookies, I don’t want to answer the question are you okay?

My mother and I are on the outs again. Mother, daughter relationships are so complicated. I just want a normal mother. In typing that I have no idea what that means. Everyone I know has issues with their mother’s. Some better some worse. My relationship with my mother has improved greatly over the years. Presently she isn’t talking to me and told me to have a great life. This will not last long. How do I know, I known this woman my whole life.

Work is good, but I want to go home and get back in the bed. I took a cat nap in my car, and barely made it back to my desk. Since I work pretty independently unless I have to say something to my team. I am not usually missed. I come in check my phone and email. If nothing I am good. I don’t want to look like a slacker. I want to feel like I am pulling my weight. Even thought I want to say I am not a 100 percent can I leave. Then I will be leaving all the time. I don’t think I am going to be 100 percent until labor and delivery and recoup-oration.

I went to my therapist yesterday. She was so happy for me. I still want to see her even though I am not as depressed as when I first walked in her office. The conversation makes me feel good and points me in a positive direction. She did tell me she has patience she worries about. I am not one of them. That made me feel great. When I first got there I was not great or feeling that way at all. I felt beat down by life.

I am morning the lack of man again. My SMC friend that has already had her baby said I would go through this. She was totally right. She also said once I see my child’s face I will instantly forget about it for a while. I do believe that. My therapist had great advice. I need to work on accepting where I am at. I am in a great place. It might not be a fantasy but it damn sure is not a bad place.

So pissed off!!

I am so pissed of I had to get it off my chest. My mother has told everyone, and I do mean everyone I am pregnant. Then had to nerve to say you sound like you have an attitude. You see with my mother has a right to be mad at you, But you don’t have the right to be mad at her.

First off I am 5 weeks along. You don’t tell anyone until after three months. Second it isn’t her business to tell. She should have asked for my permission. Now she is going to make me not tell her anything. I left her a text message because she is the type not to listen. I plan not to answer the phone for a while. I am so pissed off. I called my aunt. She said she knew but didn’t want to get into it. She knew it was going to blow up.

I have enough on my mind then all this all over freaking town. Now granted my god mother doesn’t travel in any circles I do. If she tells my god sister I will be pissed off. Especially since me and her do not talk and had it out over a year ago. When I say I am pissed there is steam coming out my ears. Then I asked her what exactly she said and she is going to give me some evasive bullshit answer. No chick what did you tell her. The full story or just I am pregnant. If she told her the full story I would be about to fly up to Boston to kill her. She only told her I was pregnant. Also everyone at her two part-time jobs. Which I don’t know those people. Still not cool. I haven’t even told my father yet. I swear god help me with this woman.

She is my biggest supporter and she is happy. Ready to be a grandmother. Which she thought would never happen. I understand and I am trying to be sensitive. But she is going to have to show some respect and stop pulling I am your mother when she fucks up. Just say you are sorry. I am sure after I ignore her for a while I will get the apology. When you ignore her that is when she will think about what she did. If you face it head on she will argue you to death about her side.  I love her but she drives me freakin crazy!!!!!!

 

UPDATE: We went through the usual drama and now my mother and I are good. WOW hopefully it won’t always be like this. Please pray for me!!!

Baby Project #44

Life throws you curve balls. I don’t know what the hell is up with positive pregnancy test to then get a flipping negative. I read that this happens all the time.

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I am getting sick of the pity I am hearing through the phone. My mom and aunt want to be totally a breast of my life. I know it is their form of being close. The harsh silences after the bad news is killing me.

I am very pissed off for many reasons. I left my food program again. I feel like I need to see a therapist. I might look for someone to talk to. I am not about to slit my wrist, but I am clearly having issues. I need to know if they can be helped. I don’t feel happy. I been feeling like a big loser. My mother screaming at me I am not a loser is not helping the situation. I been in my house by myself not socializing. I am an only child. I don’t mind being alone, but my state of mind I don’t know if I should spend so much time by myself.

I did go out with my old roommates last weekend. We had a great time. We went to dinner and to see The Heat. It was like a date, they came and picked me up. They are great people. I swear if the mother didn’t move in I would still be living there. Oh well life moves on and never seems to get easier.

If I go to the therapist I will tell them I don’t want to be on drugs. It seems these doctors give drugs to everyone. No antidepressants for me. The last time I took them they made me feel crazy. I just feel I am getting no understanding. I can barely understand myself.