A lot has gone on, and I feel like I have been neglecting my blog. I told my boss that I was pregnant. I was in a closed-door meeting with the one other employee who knows I am pregnant with my boss. I was nervous, scared and at a loss how to do this. So I thought if she was there with me it would help my confidence. She didn’t know I was going to announce it. She was just what I needed by my side. My boss was in straight shock. He asked me if I was coming back. I froze on how to answer that question. I am the worst in how to answer things properly in jobs not to screw yourself. I tend to talk too much and tell to much. Which of course I did. Then I ask everyone who will listen to tell me if I messed up.
The point is I can’t take the words back so I am going to have to suck up the consequences. I told him I didn’t want to announce it to the whole company until next month. When I make five month officially. He was cool with that and told the president and the VP. So now four people at my company no I pregnant. Only one knows under what circumstances. I am choosing not to answer those kind of questions at all. I did tell my boss I will be a single parent. He said okay, and didn’t ask any more question. When I originally announced it, I felt he thought I was about to get married and be a stay at home mom. That is far from the case.
I cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I reschedule for next week. I work up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew I couldn’t take driving to her office in traffic being so out of it. I have a few things to discuss. When I go she makes me feel at ease. She told me I was one of her patients she didn’t worry about.
I haven’t felt totally right since I started my third week of pregnancy. I am always nauseous. My pants are starting to get tight. I am going to head to Target today to find the Belly Band!! I am hoping it will help these pants last for a while!!!!
This weekend was pretty hard. I finally feel like I am in a positive mood. I started eating the way I am supposed to as of today. So this is officially day one. Presently I weight 194. I am very sad to admit that. I got on the scale and almost cried. My goal is 165. At six-foot that would be an ideal weight. This is a weight I actually will be happy with. So 29 pounds is what I am working to get rid of. My top weight was 280. I hope to never see that again. I also want to exercise. Which as we all know how lazy I am. I am going to work on the food this week. Next week it is get my body moving time.
I am back to finding my ovulation. I also am going to start doing acupuncture every two weeks. I need to get myself baby ready. I am not at the place I can do anything about having a baby. I am trying to take things one day at a time. It is hard because I keep thinking about all that is in front of me. I am working on being positive once again. The law of attraction is going to get me through all of this.
I am back to working on my negativity issues. I know being positive will get me through a lot.
A) Getting out of this house
B) Moving into a roommate situation
C) Moving back to Massachusetts
D) Getting a long with my mom in a living situation
E) Becoming a Single mother by choice
All of these things are the challenges I have before me. I think about all of them all the time. I need to stop and just focus on what I need to do today. Such as I know I will be leaving this house eventually. Going through all my crap should be first on my list of things to do. That is what I am going to start working on. The rest will fall into place. I am so ready to start the baby making process. I am not ready in any way, finances being the biggest reason. I am trying to align everything in the next eight months or maybe longer to be ready. Oh how I wish I can snap my fingers and make all this happen with ease. Anything is possible!!!
The one single mother by choice meeting I went to something interesting was said. My friend that came with me was in a relationship. One of the members said do not delay your plans for that relationship. Then you are further behind the eight ball.
She did hold off her plans and the relationship ended. Well Doctor dude has faded in to obscurity. You would think I would be upset but he was not interrupting my plans at all. He was a fantasy that I never really felt would go anywhere. I kept a little hope but not enough to care. I wish him the best but I refuse to call him again.
Then ex boyfriend text me. Yes he text because he is to much of a punk to call. He is getting off the road and going into the office on a permanent basis. My first thought is why the hell are you telling me. I have long since let my resentment go against him.
I decided to call because I don’t text and drive. He answered. We had casual conversation. I told him congrats for getting off the road. I told him my plans of trying to move back home as soon as possible. The man acted devastated and actually tried to convince me that was not what I wanted to do. I thought this fool can not be serious. Then he said keep him posted.
That is when I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I have to be honest. There is no way in hell I was keeping him posted. He sounded shocked like what did I do. Now I was really mad. I told him this is the first I talked to you in many months. You text me because you were to much of a coward to call me. You can’t act like a grown man and take your lumps when you are wrong. I harbor no resentments against you and I wish you the best. BUT you showed me who the hell you are. I can’t even put you in a friend category. It is all about you. Then my last statement stung. Which I am happy it did. I told him it is my fault. Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result. I was insane to ever date you again. You are and always will be the unreliable jerk I dated before. So it isn’t your fault it is mine.
Then he says in a sorry voice I am a bad person. I got really pissed and said look I don’t want to hear that crap. Have a good day and I wish you the best.
I am sick of men wanting to make them selves feel better for being ass holes. I finally have a plan and I am so happy. I want it to happen quicker. At least I have a plan!!
I have been so sleepy. I am glad the weekend is here. I am going to sleep my butt off.
I have been enjoying the single mother by choice forum lately. I guess because I have been reading and commenting. It does help to be involved. I did write another blog. I was told it might be posted on the website or put into their newsletter. Cool, I am excited. I have to say I appreciate so much when someone thinks my writing is worthy. I am am my own worse critic.
I have been watching the movie Plan B over and over. I am trying to reaffirm I can be a single mother by choice. Now that everything is moving into the place this could happen. I have been feeling less strong and more weak to the choices I am about to make.
I am 37 now. I feel it will be full steam ahead when I am 38 or a little before. I told my neighbor about not scratching my tickets because I don’t need extra money right now. He told me if I win put the ticket in a safe deposit box until everything goes through. Wow that is a great idea. I probably still will not scratch them. I don’t even want the thought of the money.
I will just keep my fantasizes for the moment. Moving back in with my mother has been on my mind. It is easy to think about the good things. I know living with anyone is a adjustments. We all got are ways we like things. My mother especially. There are going to have to be limits on both our parts. I am not a 12-year-old she can boss around. So she can not play I am your mother card. I have been an adult for a long time now. I know to her I will always be her baby!!. I know I will understand when I have my own children.At this moment I am optimistic. I was talking to a friend and told her all the things in our lives we verbally claimed a long time ago. The laws of attraction are working. I need to get back into that law.
I feel like an old young person. I discovered this song that I really like. It has been out for years. Someone told me about it randomly. I am really into music of the 80’s and 90’s. The kids singing this song were probably born in the 80’s. I am so old!! No Air Jordan Sparks is on my new list of faves!!
I had vacation days and I was board. My friend is safe at home recovering. Thank god she is alright. Then I sat home doing nothing switching the channels and playing my Sims 3 game. My game was jacked up and I spent hours trying to fix it. When I finally figured it out, it was a simple problem. I feel like an idiot. I actually posted the problem on a technical board. Did I mention my house was looking crazy. All parts of the house were a mess.
I talked to my stay at home mom friend. She is home due to a layoff. I asked her what does she do being home all the time. She said when the baby is there she is busy. When the baby is not there she is also board. I finally cleaned the house. While I was talking to her the kitchen and bedroom and living room was presentable. I do so much cleaning talking on the phone. A couple of loads of laundry. I was down to the underwear I don’t like in the back of my drawer. House work always goes quicker when I am talking to someone.
Then I finally took a shower and got out of my PJ’s. Meaning my sweats tee shirt and fluffy socks. Yes I walked the dog in that outfit. I have to admit I walk the dog looking like a homeless person. I guess if there were any handsome men in my neighborhood then I would take more of an effort. The one guy that is hot I think is gay. Other then the young hoodlums hit on me. I wish I could move the hell out of here. One guy called me a bitch when he tried to talk to me. I ignored him continued to talk on my cell and prayed Pedro shit faster. So when the bitch comment came across I was happy as hell I ignored his ass.
After the shower I felt so fresh and so clean. Clearly I been in the south to long to quoting OutKast.
With my clean body I put on clean clothes and went to the nail shop. I finally treated myself to a Mani, Pedi, and eyebrows. I sent doctor dude a picture of my great looking feet. I am not going to say what he texts back. It did put a smile on face, big time.
While my toes were getting pampered the nail technician was telling me about herself. She is very friendly and talkative. Sometimes you are not in the mood but she was so bubble she put a smile on my face.
She met her husband in the Bahamas on vacation. He worked at the airport. They dated long distance for a year and got married. Wow how can that happen to me!!! It was a great story. She seemed like a very happy person. I need to be more like this woman. Her demeanor puts smiles on others. She was randomly my technician. I only let the owner do my eyebrows. I don’t care who does the fingers and toes. I left there smiling and told her I wished her look on having a second child. I don’t think it was random I got her. God knows what he was doing!!
I was talking to a single mom by choice wannabe friend. I call us wannabe ‘s because there is no baby so we are not there yet. We were stating how bitter we were.
I am trying not to be. It isn’t working. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I am not in the exclusive club. I love my friends children. I love when they talk about them and I see there pictures on cards and Facebook.
It is also a reminder of what I do not have and want so badly. How did I end up being the jilted one. I would have never predicted this ever being my circumstances. I had such a bright future with so many possibilities.
I never thought of a time clock being attached to my eggs. Who the hell thinks about that. Someone should have warned me. I might not have listened. I feel so blind sided by time. By lack of a man and babies.
To make is worse it isn’t like I haven’t been trying. If I meet another man who states I can’t believe you are single I am going to slap him upside the head. Or what is wrong with you. You never been married and have no kids. What is being divorced and paying or getting child support a mark of something right!! Is using a condom so I didn’t get a disease or have children un planned is wrong all of a sudden. Is it my fault the men of my life never really wanted to commit. Or I didn’t want someone’s last name just because they asked knowing we were not compatible and would have ended up in divorce.
What did I do wrong. I have a lot of friends in jacked up marriages. Why do I find myself jealous of bad relationships. I know it is crazy. It makes me think what did I do wrong!!
I am tired of being baby less and man less. I am straight tired of dating and all the bullshit that comes with it. What does that leave me. In a rock in a hard damn place. I am going to start praying my ass off for some answer. I guess all I have left is god!!!