I been having Decaf coffee today. My eyes can barely stay open. I am having some issues. I came home and had a rash on my face. I have no idea where it came from. I am going to pick up some benadryl on my way home. I am clearly allergic to something. I wouldn’t care if it was anywhere else on my body. My face is too much. My make up did a great job of covering it. Thank you GOD!!!
I have been very nervous. I want this baby to stick. I want it to be twins. I know I have to give it all over. NOT worry about it. That is easier said than done.
I took another first response this morning. It didn’t look darker. The line was still there. Granted I would have started my period today. It is not here and I am still stressed. I believe the stress will not subside until I give birth!!
I am trying to stay in the day and not project!! Clearly this was meant to be.
I have to say my party days are over. I was asked to go a few places this weekend. I wasn’t really that interested. I am such an introvert. I really need to change that when my children get here. I don’t want them to be a shut in like me. I will have to push beyond my personality traits and show them the world.
Do I have my twins in my belly. I am praying and hoping. I am long-suffering for my desire for children to be fulfilled. More than a I ever desired a man. If you would have met me years ago. I didn’t desire to be married.
My desire for a husband didn’t come to me until late in life. I was about 28 when I seriously considered being married. Before then I was marriage adverse. It wasn’t age that made me want a man’s last name. It was not being alone. Wanting my own family. Most of my friends had found their husband. I really should have paid attention to time passing. I have to say I was ignorant to my youth slipping away. I feel I made a mistake not moving to Boston. I do miss my family. No matter how crazy they are. They all expressed wanting me home in their own way. If money fell into my lap at this very moment. I would pack up and move in a matter of weeks.
I was almost on my way. I am in Georgia for a reason. I hope the reason is for my dreams to come true. I find out in a few days what my fate entails.
I am having such a hard time with patients. I am ready to have my babies yesterday. I know I am blessed, everything went in my favor. House is gone check, Money coming in check. I want the money now and the moving done and insemination and pregnancy to happen right now.
I am already pissed off I don’t have a husband. Now when I finally make the hardest choice in my life. Which I am still having a hard time dealing with. I have to wait even longer.
I have so many fears. Yet I am beyond ready to get this party started. Why do I want twins? I would love to go through this process once. Have a sibling for this child that has only one true parent. My mom is a twin so there is hope. Plus I heard older women have more twins, Black women have more twins and tall women have more twins. Check, Check, Check. Am I scared to death to have two babies at once. HELL YES!!! But I will work it out. Like I work out everything in my life.
I could just get up and go and let the chips fall. I don’t want to leave in total financial disarray. I am trying to be smart. When I really don’t want to be. I am trying to be responsible when I want to throw up my hands and say I don’t give a shit. I am trying to act like a grown up. When I want to stomp my feet and say why me. Why do I have to go through this crap. Why do I have to be different. Why can’t I have a baby with having sex and not in an office. An office I can’t get to yet until I move to Boston get a job and have some health insurance.
Life is stranger than fiction. My life seems so fictional at this moment. I am not living on my own. I been on my own for 12 years. I am giving up my dog. I know my heart will break but it has to be done. I am moving to a place I barely like to visit. All due to my need to have a child.
Something I thought would come with the husband first. The husband dream I had to lay to rest in my mind. The fairytale that might come true in another time but not in time for a child. The fear of having fertility issues. The fear of being pregnant alone. The fear of who will really help when my children are born. It is easy to say how much you will help when they aren’t here yet. When they are fictional thoughts in your mind.
Cut in dry I am a ball full of fear with no patients. I HAVE ISSUES!!!
I took my second dose of 200mg around the same time yesterday. I had a slight headache yesterday. Well this go round I woke up sweaty again. I guess another hot flash and I had a bad headache. Which lasted most of the day. It just went a way about an hour ago. The two advils might be the cause of my relief. I am hoping all this leads to the big fat positive.
I have been trying to do more research about using soy for fertility. I find more questions than I find answers. Maybe I just suck at searching the net. That could be totally possible. I already ovulate, and a lot of women who take this don’t ovulate or ovulate very late. I ovulate very early, day ten last month.
The twin thing has been in my head lately. I am trying to push it out but it keeps popping up. I can’t talk to the boyfriend about it. He has the usual lame guy answers why are you worried about it. You are not pregnant yet. He has a point but damn humor me for a min. Both our mothers are twins it might be a serious concern.
I just added a video. This woman got pregnant using Soy isoflavone. This video is explaining what she did. A later video announces her pregnancy.
If you can’t see the video here is the link