My faith uses to be indestructible. Lately, it has dwindled so much. I know people say you can have faith as little as a mustard seed and god will do the rest. I lived in the bible belt for 15 years. So I stole that saying.
I have lived my life not religious but very spiritual and having a whole lot of faith. All in all, I have had a very blessed life. I am still having a hard time with Ava autism. Not the fact that she has autism. I pretty much accepted that and I do everything to advocate for her. The unknown has been keeping me up at night. I am shedding a lot of tears and having a lot of anxiety about my daughter future. The reason is no one knows anything. They can’t predict the future and they refuse to try.
I have no idea what I am dealing with long-term and it scares the shit out of me. Will I have a child that will need constant care? Or will she get over the hump and strive beyond her peers. I love this little girl, but I feel so guilty on many levels that this is my fault. I know it isn’t rationale but shit none of these thoughts are rational. If I had some faith I would take all this one day at a time and have faith. That is how I lived my life for many many years. Now it is a struggle.
I want to go to church. I am still not a religious person, but I need a weekly uplifting. I was told about a church that has a daycare that accepts autistic children. Which is another battle? I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I have a fear of leaving my child with anyone. Putting her on that transportation took a lot out of me. So the church daycare would be another struggle for me. I need something to get me out of my feelings of defeat.
This is the first speech therapy appointment and it went very well. I left the room and let her do her thing. I could hear everything, and it was very interesting. God is good and I need to have faith. Stay prayed up.
So she put things in perspective. She does have delays and she doesn’t want to minimize that. Granted they have no clue if she could catch up. Which could happen, you know I am praying it will. I will deal with it if it doesn’t.
I really like her therapist. We have a hearing test and a developmental intake coming up in the January. I am blessed that I have a half a day on Friday. To do all these appointments and be there for my daughter in all things that she needs.
Having more kids seems like a lot at this point. I know I hated being an only child. Granted I have a cousin who is my brother even though we don’t have the same parents. I want my child to have someone connected to her. Granted I don’t know if I have the strength, energy and time for another child. I am going to THUG it out if it happens.
New man in my life has made me feel like I’ve been missing a lot not being in a relationship-. Granted I dated a lot of men who didn’t have there shit together. This guy has his life together, and doesn’t need me for anything. Which is a good place for me to be.
I feel like I am falling in love with this man. I am not telling him about it. That is going to take sometime before he will hear those words. Which is so strange, I will tell strangers online and not the man I might be falling in love with. You guys know how it is. Not ready to put even those intentions out there. I like that he is very interested in what my daughter needs. Granted he doesn’t really play a hand in it. It is nice to have someone to talk to and shoulder to cry on. He did say he would go with me to her tests. It feels good to have someone to depend on, more then anything. Which is something I taught myself not to get use too in the past.