Is this real?

I feel like I am wearing a fat suit. I don’t know whose body this is. I know why I ate to gain all this weight. There was a lot of life I had a hard time facing.

I tried anti-depressants, that didn’t work for me. I gave three different ones a shot. The Wellbutrin worked but gave me hives for six weeks. I have had a lot of ups and down over the last 4 years of being a mother.

I love looking at that little face every day. I am still wanting to hear her voice. The silence can be defining. The speech device is going well. Still waiting for insurance approval to see if we can keep it.

Today she sat next to me and explored the vascularly. She is very into bugs exploring bugs and animals. I was imitating a rooster over an over again. I have no idea how to imitate some of the animals.  She gets a thrill out of pressing the button and looking to see what I would do.

I hope to make a commitment to weight loss after the new year. I know it is cliche to try and lose weight after the new year. I need a starting point.




Need a break!

I have been going to bed at 9pm. I put Mr. shitty paints in his crate and it is lights out. He is looking at me like I am crazy. I usually don’t go to bed until midnight. I have to say I don’t feel anymore rested in the morning. I still don’t want to get out of the bed like usual.

I am ready for the weekend. Even with this being a short week it seems like it is lasting forever. I was asked to possible work on Saturday. I wasn’t a happy camper. I wish I had a child and could say oh sorry no child care can’t help you. I swear single with no kids means you are open anytime.

It wasn’t even asked as a question. It was assumed it would be done. I made plans this weekend. I spent New Years in bed at 10:30pm. I have a date on Friday night. With a new guy I met online as usual. We had one conversation and we are supposed to meet at 9pm on Friday night. I wouldn’t have planed such a late date if I knew I had to be at work on Saturday morning. I hoping the work thing doesn’t happen.

My new friends I met at the meet up group are going back to the Cowboy club Saturday. They ladies room attendant told us to come back on a Saturday on a non holiday weekend. I am ready to get my line dancing on. I was planing to look for a new outfit on Saturday. A weekend of fun. I need it. Hopefully I can start 2012 off with a bang.



Image by Helgi Halldórsson/Freddi via Flickr

I am shocked 2012 is here. This year went so quick. When did time start speeding up? I am hoping 2012 will bring me all I desire.

This guy just called and invited himself over to my house. I let him no that was no acceptable and he was not getting the address. I don’t need any more of that in 2012.  There are a lot of things I could do with out in the new year. I am grateful for many things and I lost 10 pounds. So I am excited about that. I am laying in my bed with all my chores completed. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow but I am ready for it.  Am I ready for what 2012 has for me? I am not sure but will take it one day at a time.

Merry Christmas

We Wish You a Merry Christmas (video game)

I wish everyone a great holiday and many more. This year I am going to focus on being blessed. I have many things to be thankful for. Granted I look at my life and see gaping holes that I want filled. I desire things that I haven’t been able to make happen. It really gets to me at time.

This up coming year I know will bring new blessing. I have a feeling my life will be changing. I am staying focused on the positive. Which is very difficult for me because I am such a negative person. I am going to work on the Laws of Attraction this year. When I put my heart in soul into that state of thinking, Great things were happening.

Then I fell off as usual with everything I try to do. I need to stop focussing on the past which I cannot change. My head has been stuck in my past mistakes. How I wish I had baby desires earlier. How I wish I sold my house before the housing crash. How I wish I should have given that guy a chance who really wanted me. I can wish all I want, but those things will not change.

My plan is to leave those things in the past.  It is hard but I am really trying to work on it.