This day was the worst!!

Ok yes, I am waiting to hit it big on youtube. The more subs come significant problems. I would like to make Youtube passive income. My 1400 subscribers are not going to make that happen.

It is better than the 200 I had a year ago. Now I decided to go big or go home. I have subscribed to a few things to help me with my social media presence. I feel like a teenager would have made it easier.

The one teenager at my disposal said she is not big on social media. My shit luck there. I paid for this site to help increase my twitter following that in turns would push my Youtube channel. It worked in a way. I got some exciting guys on my youtube channel now. I would have never thought they would be in my content, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I also invested in a Grammarly to help with my major grammar issues. I wanted this blog to read better. I hope you guys noticed the difference. I also need help with the grammar of my book. The book that has been on hold due to time for a few months.

I take one Saturday a month to work on Youtube filming. I got a new Canon T7i for my birthday. It wasn’t the camera I wanted. Amazon third party made a mistake and gave me the more expensive camera. 200 bucks more expensive.

I thought that was a great mistake. The camera I originally wanted had a pretty cool auto mode, so you didn’t have to be a camera connoisseur. Now the T7i is a beast with a lot of options that is killing me to figure out. Especially when you have a toddler who wants a hug every five minutes want to climb on you every ten minutes.

I had it connected to my phone so I could remote use the camera through my cell phone. My ass forgot I got a new cell phone. Samsung s9 and it was not connected. Something that should have taken ten minutes. Took an hour and a half. Then I filmed eight videos. Downloaded them and found them all to be blurry. I thought WTF!!!

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Eight videos that I couldn’t post. There had been so much time since I last filmed I didn’t remember what the hell to do. So I decided to film them over. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t miss my personal promise to have two videos a week. Well, they are in focus, but they are darker than I like. I did the same thing four times.

Not only did it seem impossible. I will be posting these darker videos. I felt like an awful mother because Ava was like pay attention to me. I also broke the screen of one of her tablets. Yes, she has two. When one dies, she gets the other. Don’t come for me. dont judge me lady gaga GIF-source I have to keep her occupied sometimes. A lot of the time.  I am getting caught up with my various projects. 3 min and I am heading to the bathroom again. I have to stay on my potty training schedule. I can’t be the bullshit parent at the autism center. I am praying enough money hits my life. Then I can work part-time and do all the things I want to do. My fantasy is always better than my reality.

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Distractions

When you have a plan and none of it works out. I have several things I was trying to do before I laid my head on my pillow. I wanted to churn out all my videos for September. Have them scheduled and done. I wanted to work on this blog. I wanted to work on my book. Also, finish my latest adult coloring book distressing. Well, I got exactly one video edited. That shit didn’t’ go fast all. I have been distracted with Facebook and trying to get the video to look the way I want. Day dreaming of buying a house, so I sit on realtor websites. Yeah pretty much wasting time.

I have been trying to work on my time management. If I get all this done now, then I can pay full attention to my book that I need to do major reworking. Pray for a sister. Someone needs to get my mind straight.

Homework??

Ava will be three soon. I am running around to find services through my health insurance. Which might be totally covered by my state. Pray for me on that one. It would help greatly financially if Ava is approved.

I talked to our possible speech therapist. We are on the waiting list for the time that works with our schedule. They said we didn’t have to come for the evaluation if I sent in the IEP.  There is an email system through my clinic that makes it easy to communicate with the doctors. Will the universe must have been on my side.

The speech therapist called me because she incorrectly sent me a note through the email system.  I took that opportunity to ask how much success she has had with autistic children talking.

She said to come to that canceled appointment so we can talk. She can’t tell me what to do without meeting Ava. Then she asked me if her present speech therapist given me homework. I said excuse me what?? She said we will discuss it during the appointment. She has several techniques to work on with Ava daily. I was so excited. I am ready for things I can do to help my baby talk. I am ready for her to talk my ear off.

I wish I knew about these techniques before. I was beating myself up for a few minutes that I should have found an outside speech therapist before now.  Then I came back to reality. When the hell would I have fit that in. She has a packed schedule of therapists.  Mommy guilt is real!!!!

I want to start a new blog!!

As a friend said I always have a project. I want to start a new blog. Focusing on true stories of my life. Change the names for the privacy. Also with no pictures of myself or any way to track me.

I need to do the research of how to make money with it. Which is the best platform. All this takes time I don’t have. As you can see I can barely keep up with this blog. Or my YouTube channel. Granted I have been posting a video once a week for several months. I think I am good through May. I am going to keep working on my dreams. I need to have outside interest to keep myself authentic. I can’t get lost in work and Ava and worries. I need an outlet that is just me.

That is why I wish I had a husband, or babies daddy. Or someone that can give me a real break. Not a babysitter, but someone else who has an interest in my daughter well being. I can wish life was that way. Clearly it is not.

I had a website before which I let fall apart. Due to the time it took to figure out how to maintain it. Also I am a good starter. I have so many started projects. I would be further along if I was a finisher.

I am waiting for The man to show up. I think it is not happening tonight. When it gets to late and he works all day he is going to bed. When I talked to him last he was on a job and said he will call me back. That was at 6:45. So we will see. If he isn’t here by 10pm then I am headed to bed. Or working on my many projects I need to finish. I only have time when Ava is asleep. Which I am dead tired also. I want to be successful I need to work at it.

 

 

 

TGIF!!

I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.

Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.

I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.

I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.

I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.