I wanted to start with I schedule these post out. So I can keep a constant flow of content. I write them when I have the time or during my emotional dramas. This particular Sunday I woke up with nothing to do. I feel like a horrible parent if I kept my child in the house too often. I called a friend who loves us to come over. I never go over there. I knew her since the third grade. Ava loves it at her house. I have no real reason why I don’t go over there more often. She has four kids. Her oldest is adopted her only girl which she took her in after her mother died. A friend of hers from High School. We went to a very big High School so I didn’t know the girl until years after we graduated. Her daughter loves playing with Ava and watching her. Which gives me a big break. I can actually converse with my friend and feel like I can have some adult time.
Well her youngest is two and we had a cute conversation. He likes Ava to and kept bringing her toys. He would say this is for Ava that is for Ava. I told my friend I wish Ava could talk. She is over a year older than her son. She said don’t compare them. He doesn’t have autism. I know she is right but my soul was sinking hearing this little boy talk to me and ask me questions.
We stayed for several hours. I got in the car ready to go. I cried all the way home. I want to hear my baby voice. I want to hear mommy come from her lips. No one can tell me she will talk. I mean no one will say those words. My now close friend who daughter goes to the autism center with Ava. We put them in together. They told her, her daughter will talk. She is saying her ABC’s and singing songs. She has also been in preschool for a year and is older than Ava. I know these kids are all different. I know I can’t predict the future and no one else can. Please God Please give my baby words. Help her to be successful and be able to handle life on her own. My worries my fears are great. My love is deep, my heart is broken with this word I never dreamed would be a part of my life. AUTISM
Ava has door to door medical transportation to her program. It has not been going smoothly. I made sure to put in the prescription that she requires a female monitor. Which does not consistently happen. The company is run by Russians. They are friendly men that drive the van or car. Ava doesn’t seem distressed or pissed off. Which I have to go off her mannerisms because there is no verbal communication.
I have complained once due to them being late two days in a row. They have been on time as of late. I don’t want to piss off people that have my child or a regular basis. I am giving them some time to get it together. I want my baby safe. I don’t want her to be taken advantage of because of age and lack of language.
We went to speech therapy today. A weekly appointment I am not loving but have to do. This is her only constant until I get her into the Autism Center. The place we go is a Medical Center. It is called Harvard Vanguard. I like the one stop shop. Everything under one roof. We sometimes have to go to different centers depending on availability. So this center isn’t where Ava pediatrician is located. Where there is ample parking. This center is in the middle of Fenway. If you know anything about Boston that is where the Red Sox play Fenway Park. So they have a parking garage.
When you go upstairs you have to get your tickets validated. It is six bucks, which I can’t complain about. Originally you could pay your six bucks at the receptionist desk. They made a change and now you have to pay with a credit card or cash after you get out the elevator on the floor your car is located.
Now Ava is not the sit there and waits for mommy type of kid. So this damn machine has been a challenge every damn time we go to this place. It doesn’t want to take my credit card. The cash spits back out. It is fine when we are there by ourselves. It gets hectic when people are waiting or there are people trying to get on the elevator. My #Autismmom sensors are up like where is my kid.
So I have my purse, Ava diaper bag with all her stuff we need to roll with. Then this bullshit ass machine doesn’t want to take my credit card. Now that all the credit card companies have rolled out the chip on the front of these cards. This is an issue with this stupid machine. I had no cash. I looked for another card. Well while I am doing this, a white guy. Things went so fast I have no other description except he was white. Open the door for my daughter to walk into the parking garage. My heart jumped out of my chest. Why the fuck would you open a door for a three-year-old. This dude wasn’t even going out the door. I have no idea what his motivation was. My focus was my daughter’s safety. She will go for an exit in a minute. She has no concept of danger which scares the hell out of me.
So the machine was spitting out my parking card as I chased down Ava going out the door. Do you think this mother fucker said sorry? Nope didn’t give a shit that I was about to have a breakdown. I got her barely before she rooming in this parking garage with cars flying by. The Latino people behind me got my card out the machine and handed it to me. I was very grateful. Still, fluster my goal was getting my child in her car seat where I felt she would be safe.
I put her in the car seat and now I can’t find the parking ticket they handed to me. I went through my purse her bag everything is now on the floor of my car. I left her in the car seat rolled down the windows and retraced my steps to find it. The ticket was in the middle of the road.
I got back to my car and tears started coming down my face. What the FUCK can I do this? I am a horrible mother. How could I let this shit happen.? What would happen if I had another baby? I was beating myself up. What type of mother and I.
This happened a few days ago. I still feel like shit. God help me. #AutismMOM
I have been waiting for the approval for the autism center. I really thought they were going to deny it and I would have to appeal. Little did I know it was sitting on someone desk. I was sooo fucking pissed steam was coming out of my ears.
My baby doesn’t have services because of paperwork. I called and some chick on the other end told me it could take eight weeks. Wrong answer!!. Every time I called this company I got a bunch of complaints and excuses. They were fucking with the wrong BITCH they didn’t know it yet.
I reported them to the Massachusetts insurance commission. I told the eight-week chick and all of sudden she wants to contact another department to help me. I wanted to say wait a minute before I said that your ass was telling me it wasn’t’ your department. I got off the phone with her ready to fight.
I couldn’t let this bullshit stand. I comb the internet and found an email address to one of their VP’s.
I wrote a long email about their company was obstructionist. (Yes using the Trump words LOL) She wrote me back in minutes and said she was making calls. Within hours the operations coordinator was calling me. That contract that was supposed to take eight weeks took hours.
You would think the fight ended there. No, it just started. I reported them to the company that holds my health insurance policy. This opstructionist is a subcontractor. They told me the autism center could start treating my daughter there is an approval. They would not do that because this company is notorious for not paying the rates required. I told them my daughter is not going to start somewhere and you end up not working out these rates and she has to leave.
All my emails subject. Autistic 3-year-old denied Services. So the Autism Center was right they wanted to pay 13 bucks an hour. They pay more at Mcdonalds. I was pissed and was not playing any longer. I told them I would contact the Attorney General and I link the article where a company lost a case for restricting autism services. My last line was LET ME MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, I will contact channel five news and talk to anyone who will listen. They approved the rates that were necessary for my daughter to get into the autism center. Why did I have to do all that bullshit? I know there are other families that wouldn’t have fought as hard. I hope this company will think twice about doing this to another family. My daughter is in but doesn’t start for another month. Which pisses me off. They need more staff. If they approved it, in the beginning, she would already be there. God is teaching me patience.
Still waiting on the Autism Center. The coordinator from the IEP sends me an email that she got into the preschool I wanted her in. I bitched sooo hard for that preschool. The coordinator emailed me as soon as she found out. Which would have been great news until I changed course.
Now waiting for the autism center. I haven’t let go of any of the original services. Always have that plan B. She can not sit in the house all day every day. She will get services one way or another.
I feel the autism center will be the best for her. I don’t know what God has planned for my child.
I have joined an Autism group. They have had several Trampoline events. Which the venue opens two hours early for the children to not have to deal with crowds. It is a great event. This is our third time at the same place. The first time was a friends son’s birthday party.
I didn’t have it in me today to jump with her. I was thinking I am too old for this shit. I wasn’t athletic when I was a child. I would describe myself and fat and lazy. Ava wants me to bounce with her. She didn’t have such a great time. There were some smiles so I will call it a success. It is so hard to figure out what a child likes when they don’t talk.
I found myself trying together to stop laying down and licking things. #mommyproblems
I am sure I mentioned this before. I schedule out my blog post. This is to have consistent content. So I wouldn’t’ call my information current I put on the blog. So I am praying my daughter has already started this program while you are reading this post.
Presently we got approved for the transportation. I was sweating that. There were several ways this would have fallen apart. One being transportation. I will be at work when she would need to start the program. I will still be at work when it was time for her to go home.
I have to find a car seat. We will have to figure out who will stick int his car seat daily. I will have to tell them my mom is disabled and that will not be possible for her.
A worry, but the least of my worries. My insurance is trying not to pay. They are presently fighting my insurance company. I need God on my side. I really want her in this program. A friend has the good insurance. Blue Cross and they already gave her a start date.
I don’t know why in my career I have never lucked up when it comes to insurance. I have always had the bullshit policies. My baby needs this service. All this talk of insurance over the T.V.
I have to say I don’t trust a damn Republican or damn Democrat. When you can accept money from major corporations you are bought and paid for. I need to raise this child the best way I can. I will fight with every breath in my body.
We were approved for the Eval with much arguing with the insurance company. I brought my aunt with me for a second opinion. When you don’t have a man in your life, the family will do. Ava couldn’t wait to get into the center. She could see all the toys from the office we were in. She was looking over the child gate, with bated breath. As soon as the gate was opened, “see ya ma” is what she would have said if she could talk.
While they were doing the testing, We went in the room with the owner for the questions she had for me. I was glad my aunt came but she kind of got on my nerves a little. This is the first autism thing she has been to. So she was asking a question from her base of knowledge which was little. Asking questions, Why are there so many kids with autism? What changed over the years? Those questions are great. She needed to look them up online. I had questions for the present situations. I interrupted my aunt and touched her a few times to shut up.
She asked me before the visit if she could ask questions in her defense. I wanted to ask about the center and Ava being there. Not general autism questions. I asked if she could give my aunt a tour. She was happy to.
My aunt loved the place and felt this was a great option for Ava. I know I felt that way but having a second opinion that was making the right choice made me feel great.
I put in for the transportation. I wanted it to be ready and waiting for her first day. If they were any hiccups I wanted it taken care of before we needed it. Ann from my autism group IM me the language for the transportation. I am so thankful I met this woman. I am defiantly getting her a gift and the woman who started the organization once everything is done and Ava starts this program. Finger still crossed no more hiccups in the process of Ava first day.
When Ava is not feeling well, I feel horrible. Especially, since she cannot tell me what is wrong. So she has had diarrhea for two days. Which has created a crazy diaper rash? I swear I saw a little blood. All this scared me. I ran to Urgent Care. I was twenty minutes too late. So calling in sick to take my baby to the doctors. I can’t sleep on anything my baby needs.
I put it out to my Facebook group. Someone suggested I apply for FLMA. I think I am going to take advantage of that. I never want my being out for my daughter counting against me.
Clearly, she is uncomfortable. Whipping her is painful. I looked it up on WebMD. Why the hell did I do that? It said she might have an infection. My mother had a death trap car and doesn’t take Ava out by herself. So I have no other options to take her to the doctors. I am a solo mission in many ways. I wish I had a sister. I always wanted a good sibling.
I am still thinking of another baby. Granted the desire seems to fade every day. Especially with the challenges with Ava. God can do anything. I guess I need to pray more.
Ava will be three soon. I am running around to find services through my health insurance. Which might be totally covered by my state. Pray for me on that one. It would help greatly financially if Ava is approved.
I talked to our possible speech therapist. We are on the waiting list for the time that works with our schedule. They said we didn’t have to come for the evaluation if I sent in the IEP. There is an email system through my clinic that makes it easy to communicate with the doctors. Will the universe must have been on my side.
The speech therapist called me because she incorrectly sent me a note through the email system. I took that opportunity to ask how much success she has had with autistic children talking.
She said to come to that canceled appointment so we can talk. She can’t tell me what to do without meeting Ava. Then she asked me if her present speech therapist given me homework. I said excuse me what?? She said we will discuss it during the appointment. She has several techniques to work on with Ava daily. I was so excited. I am ready for things I can do to help my baby talk. I am ready for her to talk my ear off.
I wish I knew about these techniques before. I was beating myself up for a few minutes that I should have found an outside speech therapist before now. Then I came back to reality. When the hell would I have fit that in. She has a packed schedule of therapists. Mommy guilt is real!!!!