First ultrasound today. In two weeks I should be doing my first IUI. Reality is kicking in. I am listening to my positive thinking CD at work. I needed to hear more of it. My commute isn’t long anymore.
I am letting it start over again and again. I want it to sink into my brain. I know my clothes were not fitting the way I liked this morning. I didn’t start off in a good place. Now that I am on the second time with this CD I am feeling a little better. I just started to realize my VJAY is going to be on display a lot. I am not used to that. Once a year at the doctor’s office is what I use to.
I know I am going to have to get over it. I never thought it bothered me in the past. I wasn’t in love with spreading my legs in front of someone, but I could deal with it once a year. Well now it is going to be around five times this month.
I heard when you give birth everyone is down there. I’ll deal with that when it happens. I need to stay positive. My uterus is a fertile place. I will be pregnant with my twins this month. CD is working!!!!
This might be TMI for some. I woke up this morning and saw blood on the toilet paper. Not much just a little. I was thinking damn my period already. It shouldn’t be here for another week and a half. I have been going to acupuncture for several weeks. I did notice my cycle acting funny after acupuncture before. I put on a pad and went to work.
later in the day still very light, I only see it on the toilet paper. Hopeful thinking it is break through bleeding. I still could be pregnant. Negative thinking, my period is acting up and showing up shortly. We all know which one I hope it is. Even if my period starts, I am still going to get the blood test to make sure.
I watched to many I didn’t know I was pregnant tv shows.
The concept is typically extended to include the attitude of hope for future conditions unfolding as optimal as well.
I really need to work on my optimism. I want to say thank you to a friend who gave me a different perspective yesterday. I could be pregnant now. Only god knows. I am not a religious person. I do believe in god. My spiritual concepts took a long time to come together. I was an agnostic for a long time. I believed god existed. I really thought he did nothing for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house. It wasn’t until my twenties when I realized a lot of good happened in my life that I did not appreciate. That is when my spiritual side started to unfold.
God has been working in my life for a long time. My concepts is more spiritual than religious. I can not quote any scriptures. I can tell you I believe totally god has my back.
When I moved to Georgia with nothing. My uncle told me I would be back. He insinuated I would fail and come running back home. That did not happen. I moved with my car pulling my stuff in a little U haul box behind my car. Other than to visit I haven’t been back yet.
As my friend reminded me, a year ago I didn’t think any of this would have been possible. My plan was to move to Boston. Find a job than work on having a baby.
Things started to work out.
I did a short sale on my house. It affected my credit, but not a lot. Thank God!!! I stayed with friends and paid off some bills. I received a promotion with a great financial increase. Nothing that could afford IVF, but enough to make me stay in Georgia for a while.
I pray my baby dreams do not go un answered. I know optimism and lack of stress will carry me through. It is so hard not to worry. I wish I could switch that off. I am going to work on it!!!
I am going to karaoke tonight. No singing for me. I am a spectator. I sound great in the shower and in the car by myself. I could be Beyoncé.
In public I sound like a cat that should be put out of her misery. My friend claims she is going to get up there. We will see if I will follow. I am not seeing it right now!!!