Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

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15 weeks pregnant!!!

A lot has gone on,  and I feel like I have been neglecting my blog. I told my boss that I was pregnant. I was in a closed-door meeting with the one other employee who knows I am pregnant with my boss. I was nervous, scared and at a loss how to do this. So I thought if she was there with me it would help my confidence. She didn’t know I was going to announce it. She was just what I needed by my side. My boss was in straight shock. He asked me if I was coming back. I froze on how to answer that question. I am the worst in how to answer things properly in jobs not to screw yourself. I tend to talk too much and tell to much. Which of course I did. Then I ask everyone who will listen to tell me if I messed up.

The point is I can’t take the words back so I am going to have to suck up the consequences. I told him I didn’t want to announce it to the whole company until next month. When I make five month officially. He was cool with that and told the president and the VP. So now four people at my company no I pregnant. Only one knows under what circumstances. I am choosing not to answer those kind of questions at all. I did tell my boss I will be a single parent. He said okay, and didn’t ask any more question. When I originally announced it, I felt he thought I was about to get married and be a stay at home mom. That is far from the case.

I cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I reschedule for next week. I work up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew I couldn’t take driving to her office in traffic being so out of it. I have a few things to discuss. When I go she makes me feel at ease. She told me I was one of her patients she didn’t worry about.

I haven’t felt totally right since I started my third week of pregnancy. I am always nauseous. My pants are starting to get tight. I am going to head to Target today to find the Belly Band!! I am hoping it will help these pants last for a while!!!!

Baby Project #44

Life throws you curve balls. I don’t know what the hell is up with positive pregnancy test to then get a flipping negative. I read that this happens all the time.

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I am getting sick of the pity I am hearing through the phone. My mom and aunt want to be totally a breast of my life. I know it is their form of being close. The harsh silences after the bad news is killing me.

I am very pissed off for many reasons. I left my food program again. I feel like I need to see a therapist. I might look for someone to talk to. I am not about to slit my wrist, but I am clearly having issues. I need to know if they can be helped. I don’t feel happy. I been feeling like a big loser. My mother screaming at me I am not a loser is not helping the situation. I been in my house by myself not socializing. I am an only child. I don’t mind being alone, but my state of mind I don’t know if I should spend so much time by myself.

I did go out with my old roommates last weekend. We had a great time. We went to dinner and to see The Heat. It was like a date, they came and picked me up. They are great people. I swear if the mother didn’t move in I would still be living there. Oh well life moves on and never seems to get easier.

If I go to the therapist I will tell them I don’t want to be on drugs. It seems these doctors give drugs to everyone. No antidepressants for me. The last time I took them they made me feel crazy. I just feel I am getting no understanding. I can barely understand myself.

 

Pissed off!!

This morning I was really upset with someone. She hasn’t really been optimistic about my baby journey. She did apologize after I went the hell off. Initially when I told her I planned to have children by myself. She said why do I want to do that. Kids are not all that. That is easy to say when you have them.

Then today I told her about the known donor. She knew I was upset about not getting pregnant after spending all that money.

Her: is this a boyfriend?

Me: No this is a donor.

Her: So your child won’t know their father??(FULL OF JUDGEMENT)

This is when I went the blew up. One of her children doesn’t know their father. Also she knows many people as I do with both parents. These kids are not the best and brightest. I told her that is why I can’t talk to you bible belt folks out here. She got defensive an apologized. I think people don’t know what they are saying. Another friend yesterday said you won’t know his medical history. I am thinking and your point is?  If I adopted a child I might not know anything about that child.

You know what’s the true problem. I need to keep my mouth shut. I am not saying another damn thing to anyone. Only to the people supporting the situation at the moment. I told the person I had the conversation this morning  I am not talking about this situation with her again. She apologized again and said she was really sorry. I do believe she was sorry. Why at almost 40 years old do people feel I need to explain myself. My damn mother is all on board.

Then people will judge you when they do the same if not worse in their own life. I told a friend about a causal sex situation years ago. She came down on me with a vengeance. How that wasn’t good. I saw red.

I asked her you do realize I know you. She said yes. I said I known you for years. She said yes. I said how dare you judge me when you slept with your now husband three hours after meeting him. I got an apology.

I swear it is only certain people who do this. Not to be funny but in my experience it usually the ones in church every Sunday. Not getting on the folks in church. JUST SAYING!!!

Known Donor

My reason to seek a known donor was purely financial. I went to the known donor registry website. I found a guy, and we connected for him to be my baby daddy. Then I was skeptical about that so I started looking through my cell phone to find someone else. One possible taker for sperm donation via cell phone contacts. A guy I had an on and off fling with. Purely physical no relationship. He would piss me off time to time and I would delete his number.

He offered to help. I believe purely for the sex factor. I was shocked with his offer and put in some real world scenario. Then I realized having a baby with this man could lead to major problems. He wants to be a daddy. Which I can understand being 41 with no children. With my plans to move to Boston, I don’t want any drama. He asked if my child was a teenager and wanted to come live with him what would I say. I wanted to say Fuck NO!! Then I realized this isn’t going to work out.

I went back to the guy on the website. Still unsure about him. We met this past weekend. Everything went well. He has no interest in being a dad. He fathered another child while helping another woman. I will see his STD screening. It is two months old. With me being me I wanted a current HIV test. So we are going to get one for free this weekend. Then full steam ahead.

I am praying pregnancy comes quickly. I hope this answers all questions asked. Any more questions feel free to leave a comment.

It’s My BIRTHDAY

Happy Birthday

 

I am officially 38 years old. My mom gave me her usual speech about my birth. I love hearing it every year. I called my dad. It is his birthday too. I was born on his 30th birthday. So he is 68 today. Which he told me last week, do not call him and remind him how old he is!! I thought that was so cute. He says it every year.

 

I came to work with a balloon on my door and a fruit basket from a co-worker. She also shares a birthday with her son. I always get them presents. Her son has been my little boyfriend for three years. He will be ten this year. He is so sweet, respectful and shy!! He made me a card, which I immediately put up. I have several cards from him, which is so precious.

 

I am not going to let the drama of yesterday get to me. Which I was shocked it played out on my blog. I digress ! I am going to enjoy this day. I have to appreciate I made it another year, where a lot of people have not.

 

A co-worker family friend died at 34 of cancer. She found out she had it in December and now she is gone. I feel sorry for her family and children. I made it another year and I need to show appreciation.

 

Another year to do better

 

Another year to try to live my dreams

 

Another year to appreciate my friends and family

 

Another year to not let anyone steal my joy

 

I have to say I would have never guessed my life would be this way. You make plans god laughs!! Life is also stranger than fiction.  The details of my life that I have shared with friends and on this blog have been great. Thanks for all the well wishes, optimism about my choices and journey to be a SMC.

 

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

The life of People I don’t know

Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...

I have been addicted to Youtube for a few years now. I watch videos about everything from pregnancy to how to’s and so on. I fell in love with this one YouTube family. They had been on YouTube for a multiple of years when I started watching their videos. They had two children together. He already had two children. Which made the grand total of four kids. Then they were married it seemed so grand. They showed the kids progress and so on. Their videos ranged from random to funny. Their relationship seemed so great. They did things as a family. They worked a lot to keep the family going.

Well yesterday they had an announcement. I was thinking are they pregnant again? I wonder what it could be. I listen closely for the news.

They are getting a divorce. My mouth dropped. Of course they didn’t reveal much of how this relationship came to an end. They mentioned they haven’t lived together in months. A six-year relationship down the tubes. I felt bad for them.

The soon to be ex-wife did say something that makes sense  We only know them for ten minute segments of their lives. We don’t know what happens day-to-day. There stresses and problems.

When I think of being a SMC I get depressed. Sometimes I think of how lonely it could be. I have to push that out my mind. Clearly all the relationships I have been in didn’t work. Or I would still be in them.

If I had children out of those relationship, I would be a single parent. It just wouldn’t have been my choice from the start.

I looked at this family with envy of something I wish I had. The truth is I am not a fly on the wall in their house. I don’t know if either of them cheated, abusive, can’t manage money. There is a lot of factors to make a relationship work. Clearly I haven’t mastered relationships myself.

The demise of a YouTube family makes me think of my life and what I need to do. I need to push through with my dreams. They might not happen another way.

Moving sucks!

 

 

 

Newspapers B&W (3)

 

I am in packing hell. I was trying to find a Sunday newspaper to pack my glasses. Which actually are not mine. My cousin left them when he lived here. Of course when I looked for a newspaper no one had them. I was sick of driving from place to place. So I went to U-haul and bought the paper.

 

 

 

Ten years of my life is in boxes. I think I am going to change my college student minimalist persona. Which was really formed by cheap-nest. I know I have a lot of economic insecurities. It comes from having a mother who didn’t like to pay bills. Everything was threatened to be turned off from time to time. So I always felt saving was more important. So no vacations, or nice furniture.

 

 

 

When I am living with my mother my life will be upgraded. Especially when I get a job. I can buy the things I want without the worry some bill is not going to be paid.

 

 

 

Moving to Boston is scaring me. This is the place I wanted to leave so bad. My life did not turn out to my plan at all. I thought I would be married with several children by now. You plan god laughs. So true in my life.

 

 

 

My ex that I wanted to die several months ago, I decided to befriend again. Friend my be to drastic of a word. I want to let my resentments go and leave GA on a good note with everyone. He is actually going to come over and move some boxes. He did say he would miss me. I guess there is a difference of someone always being around to start over. Then in another state. I told him my baby plans are full on. I can’t wait on him!!

 

 

 

I am talking to guys online. Which might be a total waste of time. When I am financially ready to have my children It is on and popping. It is nice to get male attention!!

 

 

 

I am so blessed. I am getting out of this house. I cannot scream it enough.  I am still in love with my ex. I know it will never be and I need to break every thought of that. It is just hard. We always come back to each other. I know moving so far away will put a damper on us big time.

 

 

 

I want to reinvent myself when I get home. Not my personality per-SA, but I don’t want to be a homebody. I want to get out and enjoy life. Especially when I am a mother. My children and I will be out and about!!

 

 

 

 

 

Green Eye Monster strikes again!!

All I can say is I am human. I was talking to my cousin. We went to college together. His birthday came  and we were talking about not achieving what we wanted by this age.

I told him sometimes I feel like a loser. I hate to say it but it is nice not to feel alone. We are not losers. I know this but when you get down on yourself you can say pretty horrible things.

Well he mentioned this girl I took a few classes with. She married a millionaire. WTF!!! I told him I could have went my entire life and not needed to know that information. I immediately went to face book. Curses that damn Facebook.

The green eye monster started to brew. I called my mom and told her I was upset. Of course I got the you need to get over it and you are blessed lecture. I had to ask my mother, has she ever been jealous of anyone? It is so easy to lecture me. Can you relate is my question. Of course she is human and said yes. Thank god I am not alone. Then I talked to my aunt and asked the same question. Of course she told me a few of jealous times. I hate to say that made me feel better. I know I have to get over it. I know my life is blessed for many reasons.

I just want to have some understanding and not just lectures of what I should do.

1) I have my health

2) I have my family

I have a lot of things. Why it doesn’t seem like enough at times I DON”T KNOW!!!

I heard if you don’t appreciate things it will be taken away. I need to get on the ball of appreciation!!!