11 Weeks and 5 days

In two days I will be officially on my way to the second trimester. Woo Hoo. Still sick, the midwife said it might be the prenatal making me sick.  I gained five pounds in a month. I was told that was not a good thing. I got to hear the heart beat. It sounded like white nose. It took a minute for me to hear the actual beat. I asked her a lot of questions and that was pretty much it. Tomorrow when I see the Fetal Medicine Doctor I believe it will be more exciting.

My mind has been on this transition back to Boston allot lately.  I really don’t miss Boston I miss my family. They are in Boston and never leaving, so I have no choice but to make the move.

In recent family drama, my cousin just got out of prison. He has been there since I was 13 years old. I am 38 almost 39 years. His crimes I am not going to discuss but they were heinous and against women. He is going around to seek out family members to say hello. He went to my mothers job and said do you know me. Then finally revealed himself as her nephew. I told my mother I have no interest in seeing him or being friends. My mom said he served his time. Yeah what ever. The things he did to get his ass locked up is not redeemable to me. He should have died in prison. I am not the family gets a pass type of person. He shouldn’t be walking the streets in my opinion. What makes me feel good is I am sure he has no idea what I look like. I hope he doesn’t think he is going to get invites to any of my family functions. If he happens to be at any other I will not be there.

You stand for something or fall for anything. After being a victim myself  of a man I refused to accommodate that. On a lighter note I am starting to feel a little better. I am hoping this worked day ends quickly. I am ready to call it a day!!

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Not a good day

After Golden Corral last night I rushed home to throw up. OMG, I was a hot mess. All I did was eat a bowl of cream of wheat. I had to have something on my stomach. Then went to bed. Nothing else I could do.

Now I am at work feeling like totally shit. My stomach is poking out which is bringing back a lot of insecurity of a fat childhood. I know I am pregnant. I am not ready to share that fact with my job at the moment. So still working on hide mode. The crap I am eating might be making the whole situation worse. There is certain food I look at and I am disgusted. If I found food that would agree with me I would eat it morning, noon and night.

I am also feeling insecure about doing this by myself. I do have a lot of friends that I believe would help me. I just hate asking for help. I am the do it yourself type of person. I don’t really depend on many people. I know my mom wants to come. I wonder about her financial situation taking to long from her jobs. This would be so much easier if I was already in Boston. Between feeling insecure and fat, I am feeling like I might need to leave work early. My stomach is all over the place. I feel like sleeping for ten years. How do women have so many babies.

I was talking to a friend and she said some women love pregnancy and others hate it. I am motioning towards the hate it category. I know I am going to be in total utter love when this is over. Not regretting all I am about to go through. How do I make it through a work day is my problem. I been pulling it off, by the skin of my teeth. I just don’t want to be here. After sleeping 11 hours I am still crazy tired.

Women who do this with toddlers at their feet I have much respect for. I want my mommy!!! I am serious, I want my mom. She can drive me crazy at times but I want her here with me. I lived away from my mom for the past 13-14 years. I haven’t had such a need for wanting my mom since I was a child. I feel like she would take up the slack. Go to the grocery store and do everything for me. I am going to have to suck it up and push through. I made this choice and I have no regrets. Regardless of the feelings I have surrounding my choice. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get it. I would never change the success of my pregnancy for anything. I am still sad for the circumstances were not my ideal. I am so glad another SMC friend go through this first. She told me I would have those feeling. She was so right. Now I am trying to digest paying for having a baby. Yes my crappy insurance I am sure there are going to be some massive payments on my end. I am the payment plan queen. Also I have no idea what my insurance covers. I am a little scared to find out at the moment. Not in the mood for the stress. I am going to scratch that ticket this weekend. My whole outlook might be totally different come MONDAY!!! Wish me luck!!!

 

Kind of Early

I am six weeks as of today. I think, this whole counting system is strange to me.

I am not sleeping straight through the night. I am getting up three or four times. I am really thirsty or have to pee. So interesting, I have never been the one to not sleep. I don’t have to throw up, but I have this sour stomach all day. I am taking this all in stride. This is what I wanted and asked for. I really don’t want to throw up at work.  My office is not close to the bathroom. Also if anyone is in there while I lose my cookies, I don’t want to answer the question are you okay?

My mother and I are on the outs again. Mother, daughter relationships are so complicated. I just want a normal mother. In typing that I have no idea what that means. Everyone I know has issues with their mother’s. Some better some worse. My relationship with my mother has improved greatly over the years. Presently she isn’t talking to me and told me to have a great life. This will not last long. How do I know, I known this woman my whole life.

Work is good, but I want to go home and get back in the bed. I took a cat nap in my car, and barely made it back to my desk. Since I work pretty independently unless I have to say something to my team. I am not usually missed. I come in check my phone and email. If nothing I am good. I don’t want to look like a slacker. I want to feel like I am pulling my weight. Even thought I want to say I am not a 100 percent can I leave. Then I will be leaving all the time. I don’t think I am going to be 100 percent until labor and delivery and recoup-oration.

I went to my therapist yesterday. She was so happy for me. I still want to see her even though I am not as depressed as when I first walked in her office. The conversation makes me feel good and points me in a positive direction. She did tell me she has patience she worries about. I am not one of them. That made me feel great. When I first got there I was not great or feeling that way at all. I felt beat down by life.

I am morning the lack of man again. My SMC friend that has already had her baby said I would go through this. She was totally right. She also said once I see my child’s face I will instantly forget about it for a while. I do believe that. My therapist had great advice. I need to work on accepting where I am at. I am in a great place. It might not be a fantasy but it damn sure is not a bad place.

22 DPO

I think I am counting correctly. I know my period is a no-show. I thought I saw a brown spot when I was in the bathroom. Checked again and nothing. I have to say I am happy and nervous. I been having something going on in my abdomen. I am not going to call it pains. Cramps and some spasing in the couchie area.

So I talked to my father last night. I haven’t filled him in on what I am doing. All I said is I am still working on having a baby. He said can we do this the natural way. I said what do you mean. He said a man and a woman, maybe a husband. Dad a husband isn’t easy to find. Yes it is, a good one is hard to find LMAO. We both laughed.

I will tell him eventually I guess, maybe. I did tell him he will be babysitting. I got the speech I live my life one day at a time. Yeah, Yeah you will be babysitting. I heard him talking to my step sister, Who lives upstairs with her kids. I said ask her if she would babysit. She asked if I was pregnant. I am positive my father hasn’t told her anything. She said she would babysit. Her youngest is in high school. Everyone loves babies. I would want her to help my father more than babysit. Either way I am not doing all this to have my kids with other people all the time. I am building my network, village, folks. What ever you want to call it. When I do need someone, I need to know who will be on the list.

I sleep allot. I am nervous about having a baby and sleep deprivation. My medication makes me very tired. I am going to the neurologist to see what I can do about that. I am going the end of October. So I should know if I am pregnant by then.

 

Baby Project #32

Wow my life changes on a dime. Now I am working on having a baby in a different way.

My new thing is a known donor. I will be working on plan B if that doesn’t work. But I am staying positive. I feel I will be less stressed then what I went through with the clinic.

The funny thing when it rain it pours. I have two possible known donor’s. One will relinquish rights no problem.

The other is wavering. He is 41 with no kids. I believe he wanted them under the right set of circumstances. It is funny how women have more options in this situation then men. We have known each other for nine years. We had a kind of own off thing.

If we did decided to co parent. He understood I am leaving the state. Also co parent is exactly that financially and all. I told him it would be easier for me for him to relinquish his rights. We had a two-hour debate about denying a child a father. I wasn’t in the mood for that. I did understand where he was coming from.
I still didn’t totally agree. I just spent a fortune putting frozen sperm in the Vijay twice. That child wouldn’t have had a daddy either.  His heart is in the right place. I haven’t decided which way I am going at this moment. I know HIV test will be done this week regardless of which way I go. I was thinking the home test. Then one donor made a good point. Why pay (40 bucks each) when we can go to a clinic for free. I love that a man worried about my money!!!

Things are looking up in my mind. Trying to stay sane and make my dreams come true.

Baby Project #15

The two-week wait is torture  The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.

I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.

I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.

It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!

 

Baby project begins!

I will be at my first appointment for baby project tomorrow. 9am will be the beginning of this journey. Still very scared of the financial portion. I did see the amount I might have to pay for my blood work. My insurance company emails me the claims. It was 300 bucks. Yeah me!! I thought it would be a lot more than that. So we are starting off great.

Tomorrow appointment is going to be more than that. I know this is what I signed up for. I am still scared to death.

I am also coming to the clear realization I am in love with my ex. I always knew it in the back of my head. Just because you love someone does in no way mean they are good for you. All that remains to be seen with him. Also not my focus at the moment.

I didn’t go to acupuncture this weekend. Probably should have but didn’t feel like the drive and reporting the news I am not pregnant. I am going to head out there next weekend.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s house and had Nigerian food. It was great. I really like it. Shocking to me because I can be very picky. I do love West Indian food and it had some major similarities.

The ex did come over. We were supposed to go to dinner, but he was too late for that. He did take this big box to my car for Good Will. I am starting to see the issues of living on a third floor.  I did actually start putting my apartment together last night. Of course I got motivated after six pm.  Which left me well into the night putting stuff together. I still have a bunch of boxes all over the place.  Slowly it is coming together. I am glad I have a storage closet off my balcony. I am keeping all my boxes for later moving.

A good friend I haven’t talked to in a while called. I love hearing from her. She is one of the few people who came to visit me in Georgia. I really need to make it out to VA to see her. Not to mention I have family that live in the VA, DC area.  My mom ran into her mother recently. Her mom asked my mom about me coming home. My mom had to inform her that is on hold for a while. I ran my mouth so much about leaving, but not as much about staying. That is clear from all the people taking an interest of me being in Boston. I was planing to move last month. The major thing that sucks about GA compared to MA. MA has a mandate that the health insurance covers fertility. That would be so nice to have right now.

I decided it time to get back on point with my faith and working with the law. I am breaking out that book that was given to me years ago.  I need to find it. Working with the law. When I really got into it, I saw major positive things happen in my life. I believe they were happen all along, I wasn’t appreciating them.  It is time to get back on board.

I went to the gym yesterday and going today. I re committed myself to myfitnesspal. I am 210 pounds. Yes I am admitting that on my blog. I am six-foot tall, so I am not huge. I know I need to lose at least 30 pounds. That will all be on hold when I am pregnant. (Notice that I said when, Staying positive!!!). But for now, no junk and overeating. I clearly have a lot on my plate. Keeping hope alive!!!!

 

Things are going my way!!

I have to say I am so blessed. Everything is going right. I could win the lottery but this a close second to that fantasy. I got rid of my house. I just found out I don’t have to pay any tax on the forgiven debt of my short sale. I found this out via research so I pray it is accurate.

I got a promotion with a sizable raise. Which will fund my baby making journey. I live with great people.

My roommate had a in interview today. Please put prayers out there for her. I hope she gets it and it is a great place for her to work.

To continue with my goodness. My car passed emissions.  So I didn’t have to pay the 600 bucks for a catalytic converter and a  H2 censor.

A friend of mine who is also on the single mother by choice journey dream seems to be coming true also. With a great co parenting situation. I wish she would blog too. I would read it she has so much to say. (I put that in because she reads my blog lol)

I have to say things are great. I want to keep that going. I did gain some weight. I am not happy about it. I am not stressed about it either. Which is new place for me to be.

So of course I have to mention my dating situation. I called this guy and cancelled a date because he seemed desperate. I want a man to want me. Not just any woman he can put in that spot. Well he left me a great voice message saying we can just hang out. No expectations. It was such a sweet message I called him back and thought it would be a great idea.

Well I regretted that decision. After I got off the phone with him. He sends me a texts and says we had a vibe. So if I am attracted to him what would I do about it. I am like WTF !!!. We decided on being friends so I thought. I have attractive friends. I am not jumping there bones after we hang out.

I was pissed off with the questions. It sounds like he doesn’t really want to be friends. It would just be a ways to ease into what he really wants. Which is crazy because we have never met and also haven’t had many conversations.

Either way he has made me feel uncomfortable. I am going to have to let him know I doubt there will be any dates.

 

Daddy Rage!!

My father made me very upset yesterday. He was telling me he was considering buying another step grandchild a car. If you do for one you need to do for another. I said hold up. I never got a car. You are buying cars for kids that are spoiled and doing nothing to deserve it.
This man made up every excuse in the book. Also told me I should not be jealous. I am a grown woman and got all my stuff together. Yeah from my own blood sweat and tears. Not to much help from either parent. My father bought one of these step grandchildren a car. Yes this is his deceased wife grandchildren. Then he crashed it up. My father fixed it and gave it back to him. Did I mention he barely has a part time job. Graduated from high school with no plan at all. Doesn’t have money to put gas in the car. But it seems he has money to buy an X box.

I was steaming!!! These kids get a father I never had. My step monster never liked me and I hated her. She wanted my father to deal with her kids and grandchildren and forget about his own. Now that she is dead I get all this interest about my life. I thought I let all this go years ago. But to hear you are doing all this for these kids is really getting under my skin. My father doesn’t understand how much of a jerk he really is. I didn’t use those words. But really wanted to. One of his excuses was I am a woman and have ambition. They don’t. I damn near jump through that phone. I told them so you give them gifts for doing nothing.

The step grandchild who got the car crashed it up and got it back. My father and step mother raised since he was 2. I am not seeing a great job here. The question is what the hell is he doing now. It looks like absolutely nothing. I was raised by my grandmother and I have strived and worked for everything. It got to the point I was screaming on the phone. You didn’t pay for one book when I was in college. He mention he paid my health insurance. I said correction you paid one year I paid the other three. Oh he made me so mad. It is unfair. I know I need to let it go. I don’t know what I wanted him to say.

Was he going to say sorry I was wrong. Hell no this is my father we are talking about. It is you need to get over it. How old are you, and all you accomplished. How can you compare yourself to these kids. Compare myself bullshit. These kids can’t compare themselves to me. I got nothing handed to me an accomplished alot. They get everything handed to them and accomplish nothing. So dad tell me how you did a good job raising that boy!!! When you daughter who was trying to make a better life for herself you did what???

My SHERO!!!

My mother is my hero today. I had an argument with my father. I was very hurt. He was telling me all the things he does for his step grandchildren. Then he used the words you do for one you have to do for another. I was spitting nails at this point. I jump in hold up you never did this stuff for me. He made every excuse in the book for why it was okay. I let it go but was still very upset. I never usually argue with my father. Usually because it goes no where. Other than that I don’t know why. I guess when I argue with my mother I know she will always love me. I guess I don’t feel the same about my father.

I told my mother what happened. She asked my if I wanted her to say something. I said no. That is like telling the grass not to grow. I talked to her yesterday and she cussed that man out. The man known as my father. She told him you will not hurt my daughters feelings. Also those are no your grand-kids.  Yes you raised them I understand that but they are not yours. She said a lot to put him in his place. I wanted to cry. My mom has my back. She jumps to protect when she knew my father hurt me.

She also schooled me on my father is not a bad guy. Which he isn’t. He has done for me over the years. Not with money LMAO. But he has picked me up and dropped me off to college with all my crap. He went to court with me when I got in trouble. Thank god that was all cleared up. It is just hard to swallow that these kids get a father I never had. I had a get in here and their dad. Not even consistent. They had an everyday dad.

This was all over a car. A car he gave one of these kids. Then he said he needed to get the next one in line a car. My mother said it better than I ever could. She told him it has nothing to do with a car. She doesn’t need you for that. She can buy herself anything she wants. It is about being loved and respected and acknowledging that you are proud of her. DAMN I love my mother so much!! I love my father too but I am glad my mother put the smack down!!!