Baby Project #32

Wow my life changes on a dime. Now I am working on having a baby in a different way.

My new thing is a known donor. I will be working on plan B if that doesn’t work. But I am staying positive. I feel I will be less stressed then what I went through with the clinic.

The funny thing when it rain it pours. I have two possible known donor’s. One will relinquish rights no problem.

The other is wavering. He is 41 with no kids. I believe he wanted them under the right set of circumstances. It is funny how women have more options in this situation then men. We have known each other for nine years. We had a kind of own off thing.

If we did decided to co parent. He understood I am leaving the state. Also co parent is exactly that financially and all. I told him it would be easier for me for him to relinquish his rights. We had a two-hour debate about denying a child a father. I wasn’t in the mood for that. I did understand where he was coming from.
I still didn’t totally agree. I just spent a fortune putting frozen sperm in the Vijay twice. That child wouldn’t have had a daddy either.  His heart is in the right place. I haven’t decided which way I am going at this moment. I know HIV test will be done this week regardless of which way I go. I was thinking the home test. Then one donor made a good point. Why pay (40 bucks each) when we can go to a clinic for free. I love that a man worried about my money!!!

Things are looking up in my mind. Trying to stay sane and make my dreams come true.

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Baby Project #15

The two-week wait is torture  The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.

I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.

I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.

It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!

 

Things are going my way!!

I have to say I am so blessed. Everything is going right. I could win the lottery but this a close second to that fantasy. I got rid of my house. I just found out I don’t have to pay any tax on the forgiven debt of my short sale. I found this out via research so I pray it is accurate.

I got a promotion with a sizable raise. Which will fund my baby making journey. I live with great people.

My roommate had a in interview today. Please put prayers out there for her. I hope she gets it and it is a great place for her to work.

To continue with my goodness. My car passed emissions.  So I didn’t have to pay the 600 bucks for a catalytic converter and a  H2 censor.

A friend of mine who is also on the single mother by choice journey dream seems to be coming true also. With a great co parenting situation. I wish she would blog too. I would read it she has so much to say. (I put that in because she reads my blog lol)

I have to say things are great. I want to keep that going. I did gain some weight. I am not happy about it. I am not stressed about it either. Which is new place for me to be.

So of course I have to mention my dating situation. I called this guy and cancelled a date because he seemed desperate. I want a man to want me. Not just any woman he can put in that spot. Well he left me a great voice message saying we can just hang out. No expectations. It was such a sweet message I called him back and thought it would be a great idea.

Well I regretted that decision. After I got off the phone with him. He sends me a texts and says we had a vibe. So if I am attracted to him what would I do about it. I am like WTF !!!. We decided on being friends so I thought. I have attractive friends. I am not jumping there bones after we hang out.

I was pissed off with the questions. It sounds like he doesn’t really want to be friends. It would just be a ways to ease into what he really wants. Which is crazy because we have never met and also haven’t had many conversations.

Either way he has made me feel uncomfortable. I am going to have to let him know I doubt there will be any dates.

 

Life Begins!!

I got the promotion. A sizable raise more vacation and an office. I am beyond happy. The whole change of my plans was not expected at all. The fact that my boss went to another company. My boss, boss gave her notice in anger. Now I have a great flexible boss with money and extra vacation. I made plans, god took over and gave me things I would have never have imagined.

The first thing I did was make my appointment at the Feminist Women’s Center. It is time to get on the ball with baby making. A friend of mine asked me to go on vacation as my present to myself for my promotion. I said no, I am working on having a baby. She called me a miser. Which I am, but that isn’t the point. I been obsessed about having a baby for over a year and a half. Crying and upset because I had no idea how I was going to afford it.

The stars have aligned and things are coming into place. I praying to get pregnant quick with twin girls. I know it is crazy. It is crazy for it to come out of my mouth. I still want it. Ultimately I want a healthy baby or babies. Regardless or gender or amount.

I am scared and ready to being this journey. I am trying to decided if I am going to discuss this on my YouTube channel. Why not??? I guess I don’t know if I am ready for any back lash.

I experienced some single mother by choice prejudice this weekend. I saw a sign for an acupuncturist. It was down the street from my house. I went in and asked about the fertility acupuncture. He asked me a large amount of question. He thought I was a lesbian. Which he didn’t seem to happy about. Then when I told him I was doing this alone and was not gay. He gave me a IUI doesn’t work speech. Which sounded to me you don’t want to help anyone who is not in a traditional family. I was very put off and amazed because this has never happened before. I will drive to my acupuncturist where I feel accepted and taken care of. Now I know the distance of that drive is totally worth it. This clearly is the beginning of the prejudice I will experience going forward. I have to tell you the people at my job who know now will be the only people I tell.

When I come in pregnant and I start getting questions. My answer will be he is not around and I don’t want to talk about it. I am not the free type with facts about my life. So this should not be unusual. Plus I have known problem being rude when it comes to people asking about my personal life. I got the feeling they thought I was a lesbian with all the questions about the men in my life. If I am or not is none of their business. I am a single heterosexual woman. They are always boggled why I am single. My boss, boss would always make these comments of finding me a man. It kind of pissed me off. Relationships are hard and people get divorced all the time. Why am I considered strange. I am the asshole attractor. That is my title if a guy is an asshole he is attracted to me. Such is life. I am not looking back I am looking forward to my future. GOD please let this happen quickly and with no complications. That is my prayer now!!!

 

Meeting in the ladies room!!

I went to a cookout this weekend. It was heavy with females. Only a few males that came with their wives. Slowly the men gravitated outside with their wives and the living room was filled of women. Some married most not. The discussion of men showed up. It so weird how that subject is always on woman‘s mind.  Also how we seek advice from is people in the same boat. I have clear-cut opinions and clearly they did too. I also do not come off like I have the answer for cancer because I am single also.

First off I didn’t know any of these women or their situations. I did know which ones were single and which ones were married. Did I know if they were happily married?  No!!

So everyone is dishing out their opinion of how to catch a man. I wanted to say ladies there is no sure-fire way to catch a man. Or how about anybody can catch a man. It is can you catch a good man or the man for you?

One of the ladies was outside which was the reason I came. I know her personally and she is one of my SMC friends. No one else at the party know how we became friends. This woman understands me. When no one understands where I am coming from I call her. To bitch, complain or just get some understanding.

Well one of these women made a comment about my friend being aggressive. That is not the way to get a man in her opinion. She was outside and not there to defend herself. I am thinking hold up. I have a few friends who are aggressive and straight up BITCH and have husband. So I took this as a personal attack. I am not submissive and could be thought of as aggressive depending on who is judging. I told them they were wrong and sometimes women get tired of the bullshit. So come correct of don’t come at all.

I took it personally because on another occasion a southern bell. That will be her name for the blog purposes. Told me Northerner are to aggressive and if I tone it down I might have a better chance of attracting a man. I let her opinion go and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know this woman very well and didn’t want any unnecessary controversy.

I wanted to ask her where her husband was at and did I miss the wedding. Yes the woman dishing out the I am to aggressive was not married either. I find that interesting. Where the advise comes from. What if it comes from a married person but there is no way in hell you would have went on a date with her husband if he was single. So why would I take advice from her? We don’t have the same taste in men.

As my mother said everyone has an opinion like everyone has an asshole. My mother is big on the one liners. The truth is I have been asked to be married three times. Yes miss aggressive. I didn’t do it because I knew those relationships would have issues and would not last. So if I just wanted a man I can do that. I have done that and have the tee-shirt. So ladies do I want to be happy or do I just want a man? If anyone has read my blog they will no the answer!!! I have 99 problems and a man ain’t one.

TGIF!!

Thank God It's Friday

I have been so sleepy. I am glad the weekend is here. I am going to sleep my butt off.

I have been enjoying the single mother by choice forum lately. I guess because I have been reading and commenting. It does help to be involved. I did write another blog. I was told it might be posted on the website or put into their newsletter. Cool, I am excited. I have to say I appreciate so much when someone thinks my writing is worthy. I am am my own worse critic.

I have been watching the movie Plan B over and over. I am trying to reaffirm I can be a single mother by choice. Now that everything is moving into the place this could happen. I have been feeling less strong and more weak to the choices I am about to make.

I am 37 now. I feel it will be full steam ahead when I am 38 or a little before. I told my neighbor about not scratching my tickets because I don’t need extra money right now. He told me if I win put the ticket in a safe deposit box until everything goes through. Wow that is a great idea. I probably still will not scratch them. I don’t even want the thought of the money.

I will just keep my fantasizes for the moment. Moving back in with my mother has been on my mind. It is easy to think about the good things. I know living with anyone is a adjustments. We all got are ways we like things. My mother especially. There are going to have to be limits on both our parts. I am not a 12-year-old she can boss around. So she can not play I am your mother card. I have been an adult for a long time now. I know to her I will always be her baby!!. I know I will understand when I have my own children.At this moment I am optimistic. I was talking to a friend and told her all the things in our lives we verbally claimed a long time ago. The laws of attraction are working.  I need to get back into that law.

Married Men

121- A Married Man

121- A Married Man (Photo credit: Holtsman)

Over the years I have had many married men hit on me. What I find interesting is the fact that they don’t hide that they are married. It goes to show how many women don’t care, that is why these men feel so comfortable. Needless to say I have never dated anyones husband on purpose. Now if he takes the ring off and makes up lies to cover his tracks I can’t say I am innocent.

All this to say a acquaintance from my past called. A guy I met through a friend 11 years ago. We were supposed to have a date. It never quite happened. I was attracted to him and him clearly me. Neither one of us was that interested to make it happen.

Well several years back a mutual acquaintance told him he got married. I thought that was nice. I only talked to him on email. So I sent him a congrats on the wedding. I was getting the feeling he didn’t want me to know. I didn’t even think about it I rare come into contract with this person.

Last year he called out the blue and asked me out. He dressed it up like we would be going with a bunch of people. It made me feel real uncomfortable. He never called back to confirm so I let it go.

Then two weeks ago he called out the blue. We chit chatted for a few minutes. Then he said you don’t keep in touch. I said you are married.

He found that to be insulting and said we can still talk. I let him know I don’t carry on with married men. Oh his wife isn’t like that. Really I said!! Well if we were such good friend I would have me the woman. They have been married for four years. I said talking to someone twice in four years does not constitute friendship. He protested he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I told him I have no idea what is going on in his marriage. Also I could careless. I don’t create friendship with married men. If we were truly friends before you got married then fine. This situation was just uncomfortable. I let him know I will respect your wife the way I would want to be respected if I was married.

In my opinion he was trying to hard to change my mind. Why was I all of sudden important? The conversation left on a sour note. I can’t say he would be missed. He wasn’t really a part of my life at all. He needs to find the woman who doesn’t mind sharing him with his wife. I MIND!!

Also I don’t need his wife calling me with any drama. Been there done that. The ones who slip off the ring and tell the lies, wives some how found my number.

In those situation I told them he is yours and keep him. I hate drama. I try to avoid it. Also Karma is a bitch. I have enough bad Karma with relationships. I don’t need any more!!!

Interesting Days off!

These four days off were very interesting. My neighbor townhouse was broken into. They kicked in the front door which scared the shit out of me. They also were so bold to do it at 6:30pm. It happened earlier in the week. Then I got a call on Friday night about a friend’s house being broken into. The alarm company called her and she called me. I have her key and alarm code. I waited a few minutes and went over there. The cop was actually driving away from her house. I stopped him and waited outside while he went through her house to make sure it was safe. She was out-of-town visiting her grandmother. She lives five minutes from my house. With the economy and Atlanta screwing us over our neighborhood has just gone to shit.

I live in a suburb of Atlanta Georgia. Atlanta decided to tear down all their low income housing and give the people they were displacing housing vouchers. Our county was one of the victims of these people. Also the county near the airport. So they just put the crap on us and we have to deal with these displaced people moving next door. Also the economy doesn’t help the situation. No jobs, no money, more crime.

The cop agreed with me about Atlanta (Futon County) screwing us over. Then he proceeded to tell me there is a rapist on the loose. Following women home from the grocery store. That really put fear in me. The cop left and I waited for my friend’s cousin to secure her back door that was kicked in. I started to think I have no one to help me in the middle of the night in a crisis.

The whole experience has just made me afraid. I didn’t sleep well that night at all. I went to Home Depot and order a security door for the front of my house. It should be here in ten days. I also decided I am getting a gun. I am going to find a gun safety class. I told a few people and they all want to join  me in this class. In the U.S. we have the right to bear arms. If someone comes through my door they are going to have something waiting for them. I don’t have children so I don’t feel that bad about having a gun in the house. I was talking to my friend who lives in my subdivision about our crappy neighborhood. The truth of the matter is break ins are happening all over the place. There is really no place to go to avoid the possibility.

On a brighter note, I went out this weekend. I enjoyed sometime with my meetup group at a bar. I met this guy who I thought was really cute. He had two kids and is a single father. All of that made him more attractive. I pushed the issue to exchange numbers. We did talk that same night. I not getting the vibe he is into me other than friends, which is fine. I am not going to force it. He seems really into his children and not pressed for a relationship. Or he is not pressed to get to know me. One or the other which I am cool with either way. I desire a man who is into me. I am not going to beg for attention. At this point I am going to go with he isn’t interested. If I happen to get invited on a date I will be pleasantly surprised.

I did meet a new guy at a bar. He was working as a bartender that night. He invited me to hang out at his job. So I met him at work and we talked while it was slow. I stayed a few hours and went home. He is just looking for sex. Which was obvious with all the sexual questions. He had no questions concerning me or my character. I had no intention of talking to this man again. He did call later that night asking to come over. I told him no thanks. He then said he is pursuing me and the ball is in my court. I wanted to say you are pursuing what is in between my legs not me. I have no time for men that have that as there only focus.

My weekend has been interesting to say the least. I guess I don’t mind when my weekend is dull. Some of these things I would have been alright to not have experienced.

Submissive

 
Cover of "The Stepford Wives"

Cover of The Stepford Wives

I had a debate with a man about a woman being submissive to their man. I told him the fact that he even brought that up I am not the woman for him. Submissive will never be something that describes me. We could have hung up the phone at that point. No he felt the need to explain to me what he meant. Then when I told him again that is not me. He went into further description and told me I might not be understanding what he meant.

Clearly he didn’t understand what I was saying and not the reverse. I didn’t need further explanation I am not the woman for you. I let him know I am sure there is another woman who fit what he needs. Granted I never met her but there is someone for everyone I am assuming.

This must be a Georgia issue about submission. I am generalizing but I only get that submissive mess from men born and raised here. Not all of the Georgia men I have met, but the only ones who bring it up are men from here. Or who have been raised here. They also ask, can I cook. It blows my mind. They want all this submission and cooking and cleaning but they want you to work also. Not one of these men wanted a house wife. They wanted to be catered to and you need to bring home a paycheck. My answer to that is a whopping HELL NO!!

Then he said it is in the good book. Did he really think he was going to change my mind with bible references. That just made his case even worse. I wish him the best of luck but I am not the woman for him. So I told him I had to go to bed and hopefully will not hear from that man again.

He has a right to his opinion. The fact that he felt I didn’t have a right to mine was the problem. I am not a genius but I don’t need things explained to me three times. Every explanation of submission did not change my mind at all. He didn’t give any persuasive arguments to help change my mind. He said the same thing over and over again in a different way.

Sounds like he wanted a slave. One of his examples: If we are in mix company and lets say we are talking about politics. If he makes a point I should not go against it. Also if I make a point he should not go against it. We can talk about it later. I told him relationship does not mean we share the same brain. What am I a stepford wife. We can’t have a difference of opinion? A man would have to be on drugs to think I would agree to something like that. I am to vocal and opinionated. I can agree to disagree all day long. I am not going to shut up because I don’t agree with you.

If he is looking for a lap dog then as I told him three times before I got off the phone I am not the woman for you. As a friend said many years ago. Dating is a war and you try to avoid the bombs. She was so wise.

I talked to much!!

I talk to much. I swear I let my mouth get the best of me. I don’t think I said anything to out the way. I just wish I shut my mouth. Do you ever have that moment when you wish you could do a take back. That is what I wished, oh well I got to live with it. A small part that I wish I could take back is I  mention to my boss I have a boyfriend. Which I have kept secret for a long while. It was something I didn’t want the entire office to know.

I still don’t want to be part of the office gossip so I told her this was not meant for the entire office. She asked me if we were getting married. Here is the question again. The one I just state in my previous blog drives me up a wall. I just came out with I am not sure about the marriage but I will have a baby. I through her off with that one.

It turned into an interesting convo and she saw my point. She said if I came into the office pregnant she would fall out. I should have kept my mouth shut and now I hope nothing I said will bite me in the ass.  What she doesn’t know is getting pregnant is exactly what I am planning to happen. Hopefully sooner than later.

This would be the perfect time for my lottery ticket to be a winner. Than I would not be working and I wouldn’t care what I said. I still haven’t checked the amount. I will do it this Sunday. 🙂