Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.

 

Dating slump!

Dr. Slump

Dr. Slump (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t been on a date since I broke up with asshole. Yes that is his new name. He contacts me randomly which pisses me off. I told him this last time I don’t want to keep in contact with him. We will see if he call again. Knowing him he will. Then doctor dude disappeared.

I have to admit I haven’t really persuade a date. I have mixed feelings about meeting anyone in GA. I don’t want anything to spark feelings when I am trying to move 18 hours away driving. Then I have my personal ads changed to MA. I get a lot of message saying contact me when you get here. I do understand why they don’t want to be bothered with a non-resident.

It puts me in limbo. I haven’t flirted with anyone in a long time. I miss flirting!!! I miss the human touch also. That is an entirely different problem.

I am ready to go. I don’t have my duck in a row at all. The short sale paper work hasn’t even been approved yet. I am in the beginning stages of this process and it really sucks.

I also have been Facebook stalking a few people. I know I should be ashamed. My noiseness got the best of me. These are people I don’t even know that well. One person I was waiting for her wedding pictures. I have to say I loved her dress. I am not even into weddings.

Who is this person?. I am starting not to recognize myself. I have never been into wedding or stalking people on Facebook. I barely go on Facebook.  Something is going on with me and I want it to stop. I want the old me back!! Where is she???

I was talking to a SMC friend and we decided full steam  ahead with baby plans. No man has shown up to change the plans for her. I am in the same boat.  I would have to say I have been living a very singleton life. The dog and I hang out most of the time.

On a good note my back is starting to feel better. Not totally 100%, but at least I can get out of chair and not scream.

Not the girly girl!

Girly girl has never been a description for me. Part of the reason was growing up obese. Yeah fat girls didn’t have the cute wears. I also was never that type of girl. Jeans, sneakers and anything comfortable was my wardrobe. Losing weight having disposable income I have changed slightly. I am still not the fashionista. I wear the same thing to work every week. I change it up sometimes and sometimes I don’t.

One of the women at my job said when am I going to wear some heels. I told her it is not my thing to wear three-inch heels to walk to a copier and fax machine. Who am I trying to impress at work? The one guy I did try to date at my job was a big mistake. After two years we are now finally decent to each other. I speak to him in the halls, which is just a hello. It has taken me a long time to accept who I am.

I will get dressed up to hit the town. There have been occasions where I want to put on makeup. I have never been consistent it has always been a casual mood thing. This use to bother the men I dated. One boyfriend when we lived together wanted to dress me. He wasn’t gay he just wanted a stylish girlfriend. Which I was not at all. I had these orange sweat paints. I love them they were comfortable and long enough. Yes I did look like I was directing traffic. I could have cared less. When I am at Wal-Mart shopping and doing random errands I wanted to be comfortable. Well I guess these sweat paints embarrassed him. I have to say I didn’t care about that either. Then the arguments started. He wasn’t going anywhere with me with those paints on. It got to the point that he hide them from me. I told him I was good with him being the pretty one of the relationship.

All this to say I met this guy online. We started talking on the phone today. I asked him what was his type of woman. He basically described the girly girl. I told him if that who he was looking for I am not her. He still wanted to talk and meet. It sounded like he couldn’t believe that was true. Of course everyone woman is into her appearance. This didn’t come out of his mouth but I could hear the tone in his voice. I don’t venture to meet anyone that have expectations that I do not fit. I have done that before and men trying to change you into the woman who want. I am too old for that B.S. I also don’t want a man who bad.

I woke up this morning and put on some sweat pants and a tee-shirt began my day. I don’t want a man who is going to be so caught up in my appearance. I am the low maintenance woman. We all are different. I remember watching the view and Whoppi Glodberg was talking about how black men thought of her appearance. Other than her movies she dressed comfortably and she felt they thought she was gay. Which she is not. White men never had an issue with her. All this to say is I need a man who wants me for me. Not trying to change me into his version of what he thinks I should be.

I have been down that road more than a few times. A finance (yes marriage has come up in my life) was trying to make me religious. I got in touch with him again after years and he was not the same man I knew. He gave me bible homework. He was pissed off when I didn’t do it. I got out of that relationship quickly. I let another boyfriend pick out an outfit for me to wear. Then he got mad with all the attention I received with it on. I said dude you can not have it both ways. I now make no promises for something I cannot and will not keep up. To be a girly girl you must like it. The efforts it takes must be something that feels effortless. Which it does not feel that way for me. Here is a shout out to all the females that are Tom Boys and don’t care what people think!!