This shit is new!!!

I woke up four times to go to the bathroom last night. I was also so thirsty and woke up to quench my thirst.  One middle of night bathroom trip and only occasionally is my norm. Four times I know my body is changing. Also I am a stomach sleeper. Which I know I am going to have to figure out something about that. Well my boobs are so sensitive I can’t sleep on them. No one ever tells you any of this. I guess all pregnancies are different. Also why would you talk about any of this unless you are talking to someone pregnant. Either way I am still scared because it so early. Thrilled because I never got this far before.

I am tired as hell. I woke up this morning thinking this is some new form of torture. I am so tired. I am so happy it is the weekend. I am sleeping all day on Saturday. Pregnancy tired and giving up my caffeine addiction at once. Granted I did mess up yesterday. My friend acts like I am supposed to flip a switch and stop doing all bad things. If I could have done that I would have a long time ago. Then I would be looking at a perfect size 10 in the mirror right now. Instead of a 16. I am a work in progress. I had my one cup of caffeine today. It felt like I had none.

It is hard for me to go to bed early. I always stayed up late. I know I need to lay my ass down. Before I passed out on my way to work. I was walking so slow this morning. I wanted to get back in the bed so bad. I almost called in sick. I had too much to do and deadlines I needed to keep. So that was not an option.

My mother is calling me so much. It is hilarious. She asks the same questions, How are you doing? How are you feeling? No different I tell her. I really don’t have much to report. I am trying to stay positive and that is all I can do.

I don’t know what flicked on with the internet. Did a bulletin go out that I am in need of a man. As soon as I figure out I was pregnant. I have been a super star online. I haven’t answered any of the emails. I was supposed to hide my profiles. That got lost in my procrastination list. Which will be on my list for this weekend. It is funny the internet can be the feast or famine. I guess I am in the up swing when I am no longer interest. Put on the back burner. That is why my profiles will be hid and not deleted. I still want a man. That never went away.  It is hard to find a good one!!!!

Random stuff

So I did my second day of couch to 5k. Still not graceful but better than the day before. I am going to the gym today to finish out the week. I am going to continue the same routine when I am out-of-town. I contacted my Donor and we are meeting up on Thursday. I have completely no idea when I ovulate these days. So I am trying to cover all bases. I am praying no happy face will show up when I am out-of-town. I am taking my sticks to test day and night. I am going to begin testing tonight which is actually day 8. When I do the insemination it will be day 9. Before I started the soy isoflavones I have been ovulating day 10. Last month I ovulate Day 14. I get back day it will be day 13 of my cycle. I am praying it all works in my favor timing wise.

Even thought it is a 20% chance or less every month. I would at least want to give it a real try. I did my soy at the time for better egg quality at this point. I just want it to happen. I also decided I am not going to stay in Georgia to long after my lease is up. If the baby is not made by January. Hopefully I will have lost the 50 pounds and will be Boston bound. It only makes sense to go back to Boston the way I left. Thin and confident. I am thinking about getting a night job when I get there. For various reason. I can go to school, and also work on getting pregnant during the day. I am sure it will pay less than what I am use to. As long as I can pay my bills, eat and save I can give a damn. It is time to live my life for my dreams and nothing else.

I was thinking a hotel assistant manager. I am going to keep an eye out. I also need to update my resume. That is going to be on my things to do list.

Baby Project #49

Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!

I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.

I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.

I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow.  I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.

I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online,  Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.

I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???

 

Baby Project #44

Life throws you curve balls. I don’t know what the hell is up with positive pregnancy test to then get a flipping negative. I read that this happens all the time.

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I am getting sick of the pity I am hearing through the phone. My mom and aunt want to be totally a breast of my life. I know it is their form of being close. The harsh silences after the bad news is killing me.

I am very pissed off for many reasons. I left my food program again. I feel like I need to see a therapist. I might look for someone to talk to. I am not about to slit my wrist, but I am clearly having issues. I need to know if they can be helped. I don’t feel happy. I been feeling like a big loser. My mother screaming at me I am not a loser is not helping the situation. I been in my house by myself not socializing. I am an only child. I don’t mind being alone, but my state of mind I don’t know if I should spend so much time by myself.

I did go out with my old roommates last weekend. We had a great time. We went to dinner and to see The Heat. It was like a date, they came and picked me up. They are great people. I swear if the mother didn’t move in I would still be living there. Oh well life moves on and never seems to get easier.

If I go to the therapist I will tell them I don’t want to be on drugs. It seems these doctors give drugs to everyone. No antidepressants for me. The last time I took them they made me feel crazy. I just feel I am getting no understanding. I can barely understand myself.

 

Baby Project #43

I am so freaking confused. I got the negative pregnancy test. I am waiting for AF to show up. I got a little bit of brown today.

I am going to pay for a blood test today. I need to know there is no human life in there. I already talked to my donor and we have a plan for this month. It all depends on when my period starts. I am going out-of-town right when I might need to be inseminated. Which freaking SUCKS!!!

Wouldn’t it be crazy if I am still pregnant. If I am not, exactly the same thing happened. A chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. This is so heartbreaking because I was so damn happy.

I have six positive pregnancy test. They were all first response. The difference in this situation I am not spending thousands of dollars. Which I am still pissed off about. I just have to coordinate with one person and drive there. In one way I am glad I went through the process of insemination in an office. If I hadn’t I would have thought I was missing something.

I wasn’t going to pay for a blood test before. Now I know I have to. I can’t fuck this up!!. I don’t want to hurt any unborn child. I have to treed carefully.

Other than that I am sick of being fat. I went to look for a dress for my cousin wedding. BIG ASS FAIL. I hated everything. They probably weren’t that bad. When you are looking at fat that wasn’t there before it is very depressing. I know it is my fault. I have to get myself together. I know the old isn’t working and I need some NEW.

Two couples I would watch their VLogs on YOUTUBE broke up. I was shocked. It just confirms nothing is perfect.

People don’t share their problems. They share the good-times. Know one is going to get out there and say he is a cheating loser. You never know what happens behind closed doors.

 

Freaking out!!

I have been taking these home pregnancy test. I took another first response and got a negative.  My fears have come true. This is what I have been scared of!! I have six positive test. Three negatives and I feel like my period might be coming. I am so sad. I need a confirmation one way or another. I haven’t seen my period yet but my sad face is on today.

I am going to wait and see if my period will show up soon. I swear all this positive and negative sucks big time!!!

 

Baby Project #42

Yes my crazy ass is still taking pregnancy test. This time I got the equate version of first response. I got a negative. I was horrified. The only thing keeping me is sane is I should have started my period two days ago. No Aunt flo in sight. I bought a new bra and my boobs thanked me so much today. Gaining weight sucks in a big way. No I am not talking about pregnancy weight. That is only going on three weeks.

Just the random eating to damn much and not exercising kind of weight.  I have to find a dress for a wedding. I hate shopping. I hate shopping even more when I am not happy with my weight. I need to find this dress soon. I have about a month and a half.

I am also ridiculously tired. I have been drinking decaf coffee. One cup of regular coffee a day. My body is hating me for it. I know caffeine is a drug. It is a drug I miss big time. I have no real complaints today. I am just praying and keeping hope alive that everything works out with this pregnancy!!!

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??

Baby Project #39

The ex has been keeping in touch this week. Not sure what is up with that. I called him today and asked if he wanted to see Superman. We went to get something to eat first. He was near my location so I couldn’t go home and eat my food I had planned out. While we are standing in the restaurant, waiting to be seated I got this quick nausea. I was sick to my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything. I ate my meal and was feeling even worse. I gave him the excuse we shouldn’t see Super Man. I heard from two people it wasn’t a good movie. Which is true, but I still wanted to see it. He asked me what was wrong why was I sick. I told him I don’t know. I did have an idea.

When I got home I took a first response pregnancy test. While I was waiting I was talking to one of my most supportive friends. I swear I saw a very very very faint line. I stared it for hours. I do mean hours. I put it in the trash and then kept picking it up to looking at it. Could it be!!! I am going to re test in a few days. Sunday morning is probably the longest I can wait.

After seeing a faint double line and being very disappointed before, I am trying not to be too excited. I can’t help it I am excited!!! I will keep you posted. You have to know I am going to look at that test a hundred more times before I go to sleep!!!

 

Baby Project #37

This two-week wait is so different from the others. I don’t have the paper to go to Quest Diagnostics. Waiting on pens and needles to hear a positive. Yes I have been looking online for the most sensitive pregnancy test. So I can test on my own.

I have come to my conclusion I need to be patient and just wait. I will buy a first response next week. Waiting with batted breath for a success story.  My early signs that I might be, or just going crazy.

1) My eye is twitching I have no idea if this is a pregnancy sign. When I got the positive the last time my eye was doing the same thing.

2) Sleep- I took a two-hour nap on Saturday and still went to bed early.

3) Stomach- feeling upset with my morning coffee

4)Twinges- I am feeling these twinges is the only way to describe in my uterus area.

5)Burping

I know all this could be real or me being dramatic. I am praying for the double line. I purposely did not take any progesterone. I still have the prescription. I don’t want to be upset with progesterone symptoms. When I get the positive test I will take the them.

Keeping hope alive everyday.