My Room!!

I am feeling my life is in disarray. My room has crap all over the place. Partly because I have a two year old who likes to touch everything. She drags my shit all through this little ass room. Then I have a cat who loves me and I hate. Hate might be a strong word. Strongly don’t like. In my old age, I realize I am not an animal person.

I need to clean this sometime today. I also have a bunch of scratch tickets on my desk I haven’t scratched. I know it is crazy. My possible millions that are scattered all over a desk. I keep collecting and not scratching.

I decided even if I win, I wouldn’t leave my mom’s house until she is three. I would totally get on trying for baby number two. I know I stay in my fantasy world on occasion. Some folks think I am crazy. I think why the hell not. My fantasy life is so grand and prolific. I will never give it up. It keeps my mind business at work. Even thought I love my job it is boring as hell. I think hell would be more entertaining. So I have to explain, I love my job, I don’t like what I do.

I like my job because there is not stress or drama. I am a union employee (first time in my life) They can’t make me stay late. (LOVE THAT). My boss is so sweet and nice. I am appreciates and they think I am great and do well with my job.

The fact that my profession is not exciting or gives me happiness to do the rest my life. Pales in comparison to the other things I mentioned. I need to pay bills. Most people are not giggling happy to go to work.

When I did this job in corporate it came with deadlines and crazy bosses. I had a few good ones but a bunch of crazies. That want you to sleep at the job to get bullshit done. I have a great work ethic, but not in love with what I do.

All this to say my day dream game is on point. I can go into a whole different world while doing my work. It keeps me motivated try it, you will never go back.

Hey the positive people dream it , it will come. I am going to clean this hot mess of a room. Wish me luck!!!

Advertisements

TGIF!!

I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.

Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.

I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.

I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.

I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.

God and Bad!!

I love my daughter in ways I could not imagine. Motherhood on the solo is also harder then I IMAGINED.

She started having night terrors and waking up in the middle of the night and staying up. I am trying to figure out the cause. What I been lacking is sleep and trying to deal with it. It is almost worst then when she was a newborn. I was off work then and could nap with her. Now I have to head to work and she goes to sleep from being up all night. I find myself turning on the TV and putting a pillow over my head. I don’t feel like the best mom when I do that.

I woke up this morning with my head pounding like I had a hang over. I don’t drink, so that feeling is crazy. My mother let me sleep for an hour and a half. Thank god for my mother. She drives me crazy, but I thank god for her all the time.

I have been dating. Shockingly, I would consider myself in a semi-relationship. I will say semi due to the lack of any declaration. I have mentioned him before. The guy working on my house has stepped up to the plate.

He took Ava and I to lunch yesterday. So we drove my car. It was easier then moving the car seat. He was so attentive to Ava. I was like wow this is how this feels. I don’t have to do everything. He has been around since Ava was two months old.

He has been working for my family for about 12 years. I feel comfortable with him. We didn’t start off well. Hopefully it will continue to stay positive. He is my first choice for the second baby. He is a great father to his kids. They are grown pretty much. I wanted a second baby.

You would think I brought this up. No shockingly enough it wasn’t me. He asked me about having more children when Ava was about 5 months old. We moved here when she was 2 months old.

It is nice to be wanted. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I am keeping hope alive. I need to buy some ovulation kits to be ready for testing next months.

I started my new job. My boss at that job quit. She has been there a long time. She is going to a great opportunity. I am stressed because it has been crash course training. I feel like my life always has to have some drama in it. Or is that everyone’s life????

I been working on my YouTube channel. Trying to get subscribers and viewers, to make it visual income. My first position for YouTube is to help people. I was watching one of the video’s about growing your channel. He said do something you are passionate you are about. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest with no regrets. Having my daughter was one of the most powerful choices of my life. That coincides with my missions statements of life. If I can help anyone else, my heart would be full.

 

Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Gas from hell!!!

I woke up at 2am and could not go back to sleep. I felt a pain that reminded me of a big gas bubble. Anyone who has had gas in this fashion knows it is very painful. I tried everything from sitting on the toilet, taking Tums drinking water and ginger-ale. No dice. I still went to work. I let the cat out the bag about my pregnancy. I told my employees. They were very supportive one gave me a hug. Then a friend and I told someone who we felt had a big mouth and would tell the rest of the office. It looks like she might not have the biggest mouth that we thought.

I took a nap in my car and I felt the gas bubble coming back. I got active with my fitness pal again to monitor my calories. I increased the amount of calories for the second trimester. I am not sure if the broccoli I had for lunch increased my gas problem. I was in the work bathroom about to cry. Such pain and I was sweating. Thank god for offices. I got some water and closed my office door. My boss isn’t hear today so all is good in the hood. Gas bubble is still here I am trying to wait it out. I want to be a productive worker and save my vacation and sick time if possible.

Two people at my office said they could tell I was pregnant. They weren’t going to say anything. I find that so funny!!!

 

15 weeks pregnant!!!

A lot has gone on,  and I feel like I have been neglecting my blog. I told my boss that I was pregnant. I was in a closed-door meeting with the one other employee who knows I am pregnant with my boss. I was nervous, scared and at a loss how to do this. So I thought if she was there with me it would help my confidence. She didn’t know I was going to announce it. She was just what I needed by my side. My boss was in straight shock. He asked me if I was coming back. I froze on how to answer that question. I am the worst in how to answer things properly in jobs not to screw yourself. I tend to talk too much and tell to much. Which of course I did. Then I ask everyone who will listen to tell me if I messed up.

The point is I can’t take the words back so I am going to have to suck up the consequences. I told him I didn’t want to announce it to the whole company until next month. When I make five month officially. He was cool with that and told the president and the VP. So now four people at my company no I pregnant. Only one knows under what circumstances. I am choosing not to answer those kind of questions at all. I did tell my boss I will be a single parent. He said okay, and didn’t ask any more question. When I originally announced it, I felt he thought I was about to get married and be a stay at home mom. That is far from the case.

I cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I reschedule for next week. I work up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew I couldn’t take driving to her office in traffic being so out of it. I have a few things to discuss. When I go she makes me feel at ease. She told me I was one of her patients she didn’t worry about.

I haven’t felt totally right since I started my third week of pregnancy. I am always nauseous. My pants are starting to get tight. I am going to head to Target today to find the Belly Band!! I am hoping it will help these pants last for a while!!!!

Holiday Blues

I been in Ga for 13 years. I never go home for the holidays for several reason. A little more than half of those years I spent Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. This year the plans fell through. I was more disappointed than usual. I usually don’t care if I do anything on the holidays. I am not the holiday type person. Every since my grandmother died when I was 18, I haven’t care much about it. I asked my friend is it because I am pregnant. She said yes it is because you are pregnant. I missed my mom and my family and wished I was going to my god mothers with my mother and aunt. I will be home next year.

This weekend I spent a lot of time in the bed. This might be TMI so you can skip if you like. I was having some burning in the lower area. I ended up at urgent care. I couldn’t take it and my OBGYN wouldn’t have an appointment until Monday. Come to find out I was dehydrated and my urine was making me burn. When the doctor told me that I looked at him like WTF, I never heard of that crap. Come to find out he was right. I took some cranberry pills and drank  a lot of water and it went away. Thank you Jesus, because that crap was no joke. Then I had this crazy two-day headache. Also for being dehydrated.

I was having a hard time lugging the water bottles up three flights of stairs. I do drink a lot of water at work. With the extended vacation that wasn’t happening. I went to Walmart and got a Britta water filter pitcher. I am peeing all the time, but up on the water intake. I had a long talk with an old friend. She is so excited for me to come home. I am looking forward to reconnecting and also finding new friends.

I tried on my work pants on Sunday. They still fit no maternity pants yet. Yeppie, I did a dance in the middle of the floor. The gap did have a sale and I got the 64.00 maternity tall pants I been eyeing for half off. I have to say that was a great day. I also had to return some Wal-Mart maternity shirts that were too tight. What I noticed was the material was very cheap. I been wearing sweaters I got from the thrift shop. My co-worker said I don’t look pregnant yet. I am almost four months in a couple of weeks. I am feeling better, but every time I say that out loud I start feeling bad.

Another friend wants to do my babies shower. I told her my other friends would help with the food. She said no it will be her present to me. I was shocked that she would go out of her way like that. It is nice to be liked and loved!!! She put a smile on my face that day. I still want her to share the expense. I am old-school. Have a few friends bring some food and call it a day. She was adamant she didn’t want help with the food. Someone could bring the cake. Another friend volunteered to do that. I told her it doesn’t have to be anything special a sheet cake would be fine. I heard another NO!! I can get you a baby shower cake. All these people extending their kindness. Tells me I need to appreciate the people in my life and realize I have real friends. They are priceless!!!

 

11 Weeks and 5 days

In two days I will be officially on my way to the second trimester. Woo Hoo. Still sick, the midwife said it might be the prenatal making me sick.  I gained five pounds in a month. I was told that was not a good thing. I got to hear the heart beat. It sounded like white nose. It took a minute for me to hear the actual beat. I asked her a lot of questions and that was pretty much it. Tomorrow when I see the Fetal Medicine Doctor I believe it will be more exciting.

My mind has been on this transition back to Boston allot lately.  I really don’t miss Boston I miss my family. They are in Boston and never leaving, so I have no choice but to make the move.

In recent family drama, my cousin just got out of prison. He has been there since I was 13 years old. I am 38 almost 39 years. His crimes I am not going to discuss but they were heinous and against women. He is going around to seek out family members to say hello. He went to my mothers job and said do you know me. Then finally revealed himself as her nephew. I told my mother I have no interest in seeing him or being friends. My mom said he served his time. Yeah what ever. The things he did to get his ass locked up is not redeemable to me. He should have died in prison. I am not the family gets a pass type of person. He shouldn’t be walking the streets in my opinion. What makes me feel good is I am sure he has no idea what I look like. I hope he doesn’t think he is going to get invites to any of my family functions. If he happens to be at any other I will not be there.

You stand for something or fall for anything. After being a victim myself  of a man I refused to accommodate that. On a lighter note I am starting to feel a little better. I am hoping this worked day ends quickly. I am ready to call it a day!!

Not a good day

After Golden Corral last night I rushed home to throw up. OMG, I was a hot mess. All I did was eat a bowl of cream of wheat. I had to have something on my stomach. Then went to bed. Nothing else I could do.

Now I am at work feeling like totally shit. My stomach is poking out which is bringing back a lot of insecurity of a fat childhood. I know I am pregnant. I am not ready to share that fact with my job at the moment. So still working on hide mode. The crap I am eating might be making the whole situation worse. There is certain food I look at and I am disgusted. If I found food that would agree with me I would eat it morning, noon and night.

I am also feeling insecure about doing this by myself. I do have a lot of friends that I believe would help me. I just hate asking for help. I am the do it yourself type of person. I don’t really depend on many people. I know my mom wants to come. I wonder about her financial situation taking to long from her jobs. This would be so much easier if I was already in Boston. Between feeling insecure and fat, I am feeling like I might need to leave work early. My stomach is all over the place. I feel like sleeping for ten years. How do women have so many babies.

I was talking to a friend and she said some women love pregnancy and others hate it. I am motioning towards the hate it category. I know I am going to be in total utter love when this is over. Not regretting all I am about to go through. How do I make it through a work day is my problem. I been pulling it off, by the skin of my teeth. I just don’t want to be here. After sleeping 11 hours I am still crazy tired.

Women who do this with toddlers at their feet I have much respect for. I want my mommy!!! I am serious, I want my mom. She can drive me crazy at times but I want her here with me. I lived away from my mom for the past 13-14 years. I haven’t had such a need for wanting my mom since I was a child. I feel like she would take up the slack. Go to the grocery store and do everything for me. I am going to have to suck it up and push through. I made this choice and I have no regrets. Regardless of the feelings I have surrounding my choice. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get it. I would never change the success of my pregnancy for anything. I am still sad for the circumstances were not my ideal. I am so glad another SMC friend go through this first. She told me I would have those feeling. She was so right. Now I am trying to digest paying for having a baby. Yes my crappy insurance I am sure there are going to be some massive payments on my end. I am the payment plan queen. Also I have no idea what my insurance covers. I am a little scared to find out at the moment. Not in the mood for the stress. I am going to scratch that ticket this weekend. My whole outlook might be totally different come MONDAY!!! Wish me luck!!!

 

Random Post!!

I am still sick every day. It might let up on occasion, but stays pretty consistent. It doesn’t matter what I eat. I still feel exactly the same like I should be throwing up. I been listening to my prosperity YouTube video at night. Money in my life at this point would be great. All I see is more and more going out. I haven’t gotten over the fear yet. I think other people have an idea about how I am supposed to feel. My aunt said you should be happy. I am happy that I am pregnant. Doing it alone is not what I am happy about. Yes I am getting what I want. I wanted a baby and with god on my side hopefully everything will be perfect for that to happen. I still don’t feel out of the danger zone yet.

I am still sad that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. I have a right to feel that way. I think people have a right to feel how ever they do. I don’t need to explain it or justify it. I know everyone is happy for me and have advise. I have to say a few things that have been said pretty much on a regular is annoying as hell. The first question is how are you doing? Then I mention I am sick all the time. The response is well that is pregnancy. My mother even laughs when she responds. Since she had such a horrible pregnancy with me. Shit I know it is pregnancy. So four different people asking me how I feel then the next thing is that is pregnancy.  How many times do you have to say it damn. I get it!!! I am sick you asked me how I felt. Why are you asking how I feel just to declare it is pregnancy. Unless you have some useful information or help please stop telling me the obvious. I know I am being a brat, but I am really sick every day all day. It is hard to get to and get through work.

I am not complaining I am glad my baby is letting me know they are there. It makes me feel better to have this sickness. It is very hard to get through the day. I am going to work on praying at night. I gotten out of that habit and need to bring it back. My spiritual life is lacking in a big way these days.