Pregnancy isn’t for whimps!!

No throwing up, but my stomach just feels uneasy all day. I ate Mexican today, which tasted great. My co-worker I went to lunch with doesn’t know I am pregnant. I did feel better when I was eating. I read online to never let your stomach get empty. I am going to have to find some snacks. I love fruit. I am going to have to invest. For the past couple of days I feel the worst in the morning. DUH, Morning sickness. The shit doesn’t subside until four pm. Now I know what people mean about all day sickness. I am going through a two liter of ginger ale a day.

I know I need to try ginger tea and chews. I haven’t had the energy to find a store with these things. I am usually looking for something to eat and going straight for my bed.

I thought I had some crazy powers. My TV in my bedroom has went straight crazy. Turning off and on and changing channels. I unplug it so it could reset. If that TV turned on while unplug I would have run from apartment screaming. It kind of worked with me playing with it. I bought this TV off my old neighbor for my workout room in my townhouse. It works perfect in my bedroom now. I am not into electronics, so I don’t own any flat screens. They are nice but not in my present budget or necessity at the moment.

This weekend is about finding some shirts that make me look less fat. I need some shoes and groceries. No other plans.

I will have to say a friend and I got into it. I thought it was going to go bad. We didn’t see eye to eye. I said we can agree to disagree. I meant that but was a little bitter. Then she said can we continue or we need a little break. After a very long awkward silence. Once she said that I had to laugh. Yes we disagreed no one was killed. She doesn’t have to think how I do and I don’t have to think how she does. We slipped into another conversation with ease after that. I thought it was kind of cool. Not every situation works like that at all.

This website I had a profile on I can’t figure out how to hide. So I said F-*$& it. It is free so who cares. I seem to be popular these days. I would love to have male attention right now. I don’t feel my condition can be explained  away. Shit dating was hard before pregnancy I can’t imagine it getting easy while pregnant. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it was.

 

Day by Day

I am trying to function everyday. I am so tired it is crazy. The nap I take in my car at lunch time feels like ten seconds instead of 45 min. I talked to a friend I met many years ago at a job. She offered to plan my baby-shower. To early for that but I was so thrilled. I planned hers with one of her friends years ago. I love this friend dearly. Even thought we do not talk much at all. She is married with two kids.

Even thought we do not speak often, I always felt she cared about me. I also care about her. She will talk to me about things going on in her life for advise. She respects my opinion. She can be to nice like myself. I told her I had to stop that nice shit for my own sanity.

First doctors appointment coming up. I am nervous. I don’t know what to expect. My old roommate offered her girlfriend to take me to doctor appointments. She said she would love to go. I hate asking people for things. I don’t know why I have always been that way. I am going to take her up on it when more time has passed. It would be nice to have someone share the experience with.

My mom expressed she wish she could go to the doctor’s with me. That would have been so nice. The issues of living so far away from home. Sometimes I regret that decision I made  to move years ago. Then I realized I had to live my life and experience all I have. I always have in the back of my mind what would have been different if I stayed in Boston.

My life hasn’t always been boring like it is. I was a party girl when I first got here. I had a lot of fun and stories of 2001 when I landed in Georgia. I will never have that crystal ball to see how things would have been different. Or that potion to rewind my age. I been watching to many movies. Someone told me a long time ago. Appreciate your life it isn’t a dress rehearsal you only get to do it once. That means a lot at this age. I really made steps to accomplish some dreams. I am not going to stop I am going to keep moving along.

Yesterday in the grocery store someone asked me when I am due. I do not look pregnant. I am just fat and my weight goes in my stomach when I am fat. I was asked the same question for many years being overweight. I thought she asked what I did. It ended in an awkward silence. Eventually  I know will have to answer that question. My feelings were hurt from the question. I know I am going to tackle this weight issue. Just not right now.

Sour Stomach

My stomach has been sour for over a week. I don’t feel like I am going to throw up. My stomach feels like crap. It doesn’t matter what I eat.

I took the day off work. I needed a day to sleep and do nothing. Which started out to be a great plan. I forgot to buy the lottery tickets for the office and send it out on Thursday. So I went out to get the tickets and some ginger-ale. A few things from the store and came home. Thank god for scanning. I sent it to someone in the office to send out. Mission accomplished.

A friend of mine was telling me about her financial situation. I was thinking damn she got it together. I am in debt. I had a plan about the debt which was in motion until expensive fertility treatments. I know I will get it together eventually.

I did sleep alot today, but not as much as I thought I would. It is nice to have a day of no errands or things to do. I know soon that will totally change in my life. Mom and I are doing great. Which is usually how it goes. A complete breakdown and then she acts like nothing has happened. 

If getting out of my bed to get lottery tickets makes me rich I will thank the gods for me staying home today. Wishful Thinking!!!!

Kind of Early

I am six weeks as of today. I think, this whole counting system is strange to me.

I am not sleeping straight through the night. I am getting up three or four times. I am really thirsty or have to pee. So interesting, I have never been the one to not sleep. I don’t have to throw up, but I have this sour stomach all day. I am taking this all in stride. This is what I wanted and asked for. I really don’t want to throw up at work.  My office is not close to the bathroom. Also if anyone is in there while I lose my cookies, I don’t want to answer the question are you okay?

My mother and I are on the outs again. Mother, daughter relationships are so complicated. I just want a normal mother. In typing that I have no idea what that means. Everyone I know has issues with their mother’s. Some better some worse. My relationship with my mother has improved greatly over the years. Presently she isn’t talking to me and told me to have a great life. This will not last long. How do I know, I known this woman my whole life.

Work is good, but I want to go home and get back in the bed. I took a cat nap in my car, and barely made it back to my desk. Since I work pretty independently unless I have to say something to my team. I am not usually missed. I come in check my phone and email. If nothing I am good. I don’t want to look like a slacker. I want to feel like I am pulling my weight. Even thought I want to say I am not a 100 percent can I leave. Then I will be leaving all the time. I don’t think I am going to be 100 percent until labor and delivery and recoup-oration.

I went to my therapist yesterday. She was so happy for me. I still want to see her even though I am not as depressed as when I first walked in her office. The conversation makes me feel good and points me in a positive direction. She did tell me she has patience she worries about. I am not one of them. That made me feel great. When I first got there I was not great or feeling that way at all. I felt beat down by life.

I am morning the lack of man again. My SMC friend that has already had her baby said I would go through this. She was totally right. She also said once I see my child’s face I will instantly forget about it for a while. I do believe that. My therapist had great advice. I need to work on accepting where I am at. I am in a great place. It might not be a fantasy but it damn sure is not a bad place.

So pissed off!!

I am so pissed of I had to get it off my chest. My mother has told everyone, and I do mean everyone I am pregnant. Then had to nerve to say you sound like you have an attitude. You see with my mother has a right to be mad at you, But you don’t have the right to be mad at her.

First off I am 5 weeks along. You don’t tell anyone until after three months. Second it isn’t her business to tell. She should have asked for my permission. Now she is going to make me not tell her anything. I left her a text message because she is the type not to listen. I plan not to answer the phone for a while. I am so pissed off. I called my aunt. She said she knew but didn’t want to get into it. She knew it was going to blow up.

I have enough on my mind then all this all over freaking town. Now granted my god mother doesn’t travel in any circles I do. If she tells my god sister I will be pissed off. Especially since me and her do not talk and had it out over a year ago. When I say I am pissed there is steam coming out my ears. Then I asked her what exactly she said and she is going to give me some evasive bullshit answer. No chick what did you tell her. The full story or just I am pregnant. If she told her the full story I would be about to fly up to Boston to kill her. She only told her I was pregnant. Also everyone at her two part-time jobs. Which I don’t know those people. Still not cool. I haven’t even told my father yet. I swear god help me with this woman.

She is my biggest supporter and she is happy. Ready to be a grandmother. Which she thought would never happen. I understand and I am trying to be sensitive. But she is going to have to show some respect and stop pulling I am your mother when she fucks up. Just say you are sorry. I am sure after I ignore her for a while I will get the apology. When you ignore her that is when she will think about what she did. If you face it head on she will argue you to death about her side.  I love her but she drives me freakin crazy!!!!!!

 

UPDATE: We went through the usual drama and now my mother and I are good. WOW hopefully it won’t always be like this. Please pray for me!!!

This shit is new!!!

I woke up four times to go to the bathroom last night. I was also so thirsty and woke up to quench my thirst.  One middle of night bathroom trip and only occasionally is my norm. Four times I know my body is changing. Also I am a stomach sleeper. Which I know I am going to have to figure out something about that. Well my boobs are so sensitive I can’t sleep on them. No one ever tells you any of this. I guess all pregnancies are different. Also why would you talk about any of this unless you are talking to someone pregnant. Either way I am still scared because it so early. Thrilled because I never got this far before.

I am tired as hell. I woke up this morning thinking this is some new form of torture. I am so tired. I am so happy it is the weekend. I am sleeping all day on Saturday. Pregnancy tired and giving up my caffeine addiction at once. Granted I did mess up yesterday. My friend acts like I am supposed to flip a switch and stop doing all bad things. If I could have done that I would have a long time ago. Then I would be looking at a perfect size 10 in the mirror right now. Instead of a 16. I am a work in progress. I had my one cup of caffeine today. It felt like I had none.

It is hard for me to go to bed early. I always stayed up late. I know I need to lay my ass down. Before I passed out on my way to work. I was walking so slow this morning. I wanted to get back in the bed so bad. I almost called in sick. I had too much to do and deadlines I needed to keep. So that was not an option.

My mother is calling me so much. It is hilarious. She asks the same questions, How are you doing? How are you feeling? No different I tell her. I really don’t have much to report. I am trying to stay positive and that is all I can do.

I don’t know what flicked on with the internet. Did a bulletin go out that I am in need of a man. As soon as I figure out I was pregnant. I have been a super star online. I haven’t answered any of the emails. I was supposed to hide my profiles. That got lost in my procrastination list. Which will be on my list for this weekend. It is funny the internet can be the feast or famine. I guess I am in the up swing when I am no longer interest. Put on the back burner. That is why my profiles will be hid and not deleted. I still want a man. That never went away.  It is hard to find a good one!!!!

19DPO Still nervous!!!

it is 19 days past my ovulation. No period in site. I am happy and nervous. I am cramping. Not allot but it is making me nervous. You go online to see if this is normal. Online searches is the worst thing to ever do. I never seem to find good explanations. Maybe I don’t know how to search.

The very handsome guy who sent me an emailed called. I am not feeling his personality. He seems a little stiff in his conversation. He sounds like an old man and he is only 38. He wants to meet today. I do like that he has some urgency. This week isn’t good for me. So he will have to wait. He also said something about he could not date someone who isn’t hot. WTF does that mean?? So do you need to look like a super model. If that is the case drop my resume from consideration. The truth is looks are so subjective. I am not seeing a great turn out with this one. I am still going on the date.

No real reason not to. He lives close to me, it isn’t taking me out of my way.  Trying to stay positive!!!

17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.

I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Aunt Flow is here!!

No pregnancy this month. At least with this upcoming cycle I am not going anywhere. Known Donor and I have had a come to Jesus meeting. We will see if he continues to act right. I took yesterday off. I was mentally sick. I needed a break to just do nothing. Which is exactly what I did. I stayed in the bed to three pm. Then I got my ass up dusted myself off and rejoined the world. I think on a better note. I needed to be pitiful for a day.

When I got up I walked the park twice. I didn’t over eat yesterday. I had a hard time going to bed. Which figures after sleeping on and off for countless hours. I even did my Dance central 3 game on my XBOX. I am still keeping hope alive.

I have been lonely lately. I need to do more and meet people. I am back online. Yes what else is there to do at my age. I don’t want to join a bunch or random groups. Which is the usual answer from any non single person. I want one on one male attention. I find it hard to do while trying to make a baby with someone else. I am going to phrase my ad as looking for a friend to hang out with. Instead of I am looking for the love of my life. Which I have to say honestly at this moment I am not. Also I don’t have to tell them a damn thing. I think one of my major problems is I have a big mouth.

I am going to begin the soy isoflavone again today. 1-5 is to help achieve the pregnancy with old eggs. 5-9 is for multiples, 3-7 is a happy medium most women use. I am going for 1-5. Yes I would like multiples but if I have to get pregnant again it is what it is. It has succeeded in pushing my ovulation back. Which in my mind is a great thing. I am not sure if the cervical mucus is harming the sperm. I am going to look into doing something about that this month. I haven’t noticed an influx of it. Who knows, anything is worth a shot. I think I drink some Robitussin for a few days. I can do that. As you can see I am willing to try anything.

I just found this on a mommy website.

1-5 = you produce more eggs, and ovulate sooner, with a stronger ovulation.

2-6 = you produce more eggs that usual, but not as many as taking it 1-5. Eggs may be more mature, and ovulation will be slightly more strong than 1-5.

3-7 = The best of both worlds, a few more eggs, and all eggs will be strong & mature, and ovulation will be alot stronger than 1-5.

4-8 = No more eggs will be produced, but the ones already there, will be matured alot more than usual, and ovulation will be very strong. Ovulation may only be brought forward a teeny bit.

5-9 = You’ll have one very mature strong egg, from the ones you already produced on your own. Ovulation will either happen when it usually does, or a few days later, but your egg will be of great quality.

I might be going at this very wrong. I am going for 5-9 this month, or 4-8.