Memorial Day Weekend

I have to say my party days are over. I was asked to go a few places this weekend. I wasn’t really that interested. I am such an introvert. I really need to change that when my children get here. I don’t want them to be a shut in like me.  I will have to push beyond my personality traits and show them the world.

Do I have my twins in my belly. I am praying and hoping. I am long-suffering for my desire for children to be fulfilled. More than a I ever desired a man. If you would have met me years ago. I didn’t desire to be married.

My desire for a husband didn’t come to me until late in life. I was about 28 when I seriously considered being married. Before then I was marriage adverse. It wasn’t age that made me want a man’s last name. It was not being alone. Wanting my own family. Most of my friends had found their husband. I really should have paid attention to time passing. I have to say I was ignorant to my youth slipping away. I feel I made a mistake not moving to Boston. I do miss my family. No matter how crazy they are. They all expressed wanting me home in their own way. If money fell into my lap at this very moment. I would pack up and move in a matter of weeks.

I was almost on my way. I am in Georgia for a reason. I hope the reason is for my dreams to come true. I find out in a few days what my fate entails.

 

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Friends Past and Present

I use to be so close to my past friends. My aunt said I would marry them. Having a non Brady childhood and a lot of drama. I clung to my friends for dear life. For understanding and love that I felt I wasn’t getting at home. Growing up in the inner city all my friends had similar problems.

I felt my friends were family not just friends. With age I realized friendships fades with time. It doesn’t matter what you been through. I realized several of the people I had in my life, I had a  one-sided relationship. I was doing all the work and putting them on pedestals and not getting anything in return.

About five years ago I decided to stop the BS. I removed myself out of the situation with certain people. Recently one of these people have contacted. I wasn’t bubbling over with joy to hear from her. Five years had passed. She sent me an email like we are great friends and haven’t talked in a little while. I told her where to go because I wanted her to understand why I was replying to her email like she was a stranger. To me she is a stranger.

I am not some crazy person who expects to talk to someone everyday  I use to call every two or three months. She didn’t have time to talk. Only when she had something to share. Then I realized this chick hasn’t dialed my number in over a year. Literally I did all the calling to her. Then she didn’t even return my calls when I called her. I had enough. Actually she wasn’t the only one. So it took her five years to notice she hasn’t done her part.

The email dialogue continue and ended on a bad note yesterday. Well today I get an apology email. I accepted her apology. I still do not desire to pick up where we left off. I am not the same person and refuse to be put back in the box of lackey friend.

My friends in my life now are tangible  Some are long distance and some are local. When I talk to them I feel the care and concern for me and my life. I have gotten rid of the access baggage.

With the acceptance of the apology she is sending get to know each other email. I might stop responding! I just not feeling it.

 

Doctor Dude is Back!

I was reading something about being Catfished. I guess that is MTV term for someone playing online like they are someone else. Even thought I didn’t come up with the phrase. I surely been figuring out who was full of shit for a long time.

Some of the ways to figure out if someone is real I been using for years. If the pictures look like they stepped out of GQ magazine. I am suspicious why you are online looking at me. If they don’t want to talk on the phone. This guy told me he wanted to meet before he gave me his phone number. He got the big delete. Do I look that crazy to meet you and never have ever talked to you. I am under no illusion it is dangerous to meet people you don’t know.

Which is a great intro to doctor dude. He started calling again last week. He knows my plans to inseminate. They were more plans than reality when I talked to him last. Now they are becoming more real. Doctor dude is okay looking. I am attracted to him, but he did not step out of a magazine  We have been talking on the phone on and off for about five years. Yes I was chit chatting with him when he was a resident. Now he is in a practice.

He always stated he would buy me a ticket to PA to see him. I always declined because I am not going to a strange city to meet a man I have never met before. I feel he should come see me on my terms. Well he has claimed busy for years. Which is fine. I would love to meet him. If we never meet I will not cry about it. I think I am very cautious to the online dating.

I met a guy online years ago. He lived in SC. Well he had me convinced of so many thing. The biggest is that he like me so much. His biggest concern was I was not going to like him. Well he came to GA and we met. I liked him he didn’t like me. Which he proceeded to tell me the next day. It was the biggest blow after months and months of him saying how great I was. So with that experience under my belt. I am not going to some strange city to possibly get rejected. I can get rejected in my own city.

Where I can drive to a friends and cry my eyes out if I need to. I like Doctor dude when we are consistently talking. He is a cool friend. He could be more that is totally on him. He claims he will be visiting soon. I am not holding my breath at all.

My life Part 1

So much has gone on. My life is so random. My ex friend hasn’t called me to apologize or anything. That is why her title is ex friend. Oh well!!

I am still in limbo with the job. I have heard nothing about the promotion. I plan to ask next week about the status. Waiting a little while for budgets. I am not ready to hear bad news. I am hoping it is what I want, but you never know.

My internet dating life is getting very strange. I want an activity partner. Someone to hang with and maybe have some casual adult fun. Well this has been very hard to find. All these years I find very few men wanting a commitment. Now that I am not in the market for one that is all these fools talk about it.

I found a blast from the past online. I did not meet him originally online. I actually met him at work. He came to my office for some work to get done. Long story short he had too much drama in his life. Also he had three kids and didn’t want anymore. After I seen him online I end up on the phone with him. He stated he had five kids. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I asked him five kids huh??. He then went into this speech about children being a blessing. I said I thought you had two or three kids. Now I am thinking he lied all those years ago we went out. No this man has had two kids since we dated. Which was four years ago. I said WTF. I thought you didn’t want to have any more children. I was in shocked. I didn’t ask if it was by the same woman or not. I just thought you are too old for this foolishness. He has to be in his mid to forties. Now you have five kids and two under the age of 3 with  a random woman you clearly are not with. Due to the fact you are on a dating site. Then he seemed so excited to hang out with me. Oh HELL NO would be my answer!!! I will never be calling this dude back.

I also have been talking to a new guy for a few days. Last night I had a Deja vu. He said something that sounded so familiar.  I told him I had something strange to tell him. I had went on a date with him over ten years ago. I remember where he worked and the car he drove. He then remember it also. Now here is the messed up part. He was not interested in me at all back then. I remember him telling me he wasn’t and never called me back.

Isn’t that some shit!!. Then he said didn’t we fool around a little. I am thinking to myself I don’t remember that. But I can’t say it didn’t happen. I was out there in my twenties. I will have to say it makes it worse that he never called me back. He was double talking because it seemed he really wanted to date me now. I have to say I am not down with the second chances on this front.  I remember him being very cocky and adamant about me not being for him. Can I remember exactly what he said, NO. I said why would I go on a date with you to be turned down again. It was left on a very awkward note. He said I guess I have to pay for my sins 11 years later. I guess you do pal. If he didn’t leave such a bad taste in my mouth all those years ago with his action. Then I might have went on a date with him. Now he can kick rocks!!!

I am going with my first instinct. I have no interested in him. Oh well life is stranger than fiction.

 

Losing Friends

I noticed with age my friend pool seems to have depleted. Some friends I have out grown. Or our lives have went into to complete different directions. I use to try to keep in touch with people. When I started to realize I was making all the effort. I cut that shit out. Why am I begging to keep a friendship alive.

Well this weekend a long-standing friend of mine and I had a falling out. We have been friends for about 30 years. The friendship could be over completely. I have to say my feelings are not what I expected. I really could careless. It has been on my mind and I have been thinking about it a lot. I haven’t even mourn the friendship like others I have lost for various reason.

She is a very bossy and controlling type of friend. The funny think if I met her now I doubt we would be friends. She is a good person in the sence she is a caring individual. Anything she does she is doing because she thinks she is helping. I don’t feel she does anything out of malice.

I do feel as adults no one really wants unsolicited advice. I am under the impression no one is perfect. Everyone has their own way of doing things. Weather that be relationships, how they raise their children and how they live there life. So I might listen or make a comment but if you feel it isn’t right for you then so be it. It is your life. This friend makes a comment and expect you to do exactly what she says. Not happening in my world.

Well the argument stemmed on another long-standing friend and bossy controlling friend having issues. In bossy friends world she felt it was okay because she was upset, to tell our other friend that she needs to stand up to her husband. Blah Blah.

Regardless of the rest of situation in my opinion you don’t tell anyone what to do with their husband. That is very easy way to lose friends. I expressed my opinion to bossy that she needs to respect other people’s marriages. Well she went ripping crazy. Yelling, screaming and swearing. Telling me I need to choose my words wisely. I instantly thought to myself. Who the hell does this bitch think she is. I am damn near 40 years old. I say what I mean and mean what I say. She had to go quickly and I let her go. I still did not yell or scream or swear at this woman. I sent her a text message telling her she needs to decided if my opinion will be respected even if it disagrees with hers. If we can’t have a basic conversation without yelling screaming and swearing. Then don’t call me back.

I don’t have time for drama. I will miss our conversations, but I will not lose sleep because she isn’t in my life. The back of the hair was standing on my neck when she went off. I know she talks to her husband like that. She talks to her family life that. She has never talk to me like that. If that is the only way she can communicate then she is less one friend. Oh well life goes on. Sometimes you need to clean house. I need positive not negative. The situation that started the argument had nothing to do with me. But when I am disrespected for no damn reason it ended up about me.

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

Friends with benefits! (Failed!!)

Friends (With Benefits)

No luck on this front. I want the action but don’t know how I will feel emotionally. The reasons these men are not in my life presently are good ones. So why am I trying to resurrect them. Just for a physical need. I am starting to feel this isn’t a good idea.

I ran it by BigSexy. He thinks I am hilarious. I really want a relationship. It is hard to admit. Casual sex is not going to replace anything in my world. I still have a hunger for physical contact. How do I make it go away. It would be a useful asset in a relationship. Presently it is a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I know what I want to do. I don’t think it is wise to do!! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do!!

Meeting in the ladies room!!

I went to a cookout this weekend. It was heavy with females. Only a few males that came with their wives. Slowly the men gravitated outside with their wives and the living room was filled of women. Some married most not. The discussion of men showed up. It so weird how that subject is always on woman‘s mind.  Also how we seek advice from is people in the same boat. I have clear-cut opinions and clearly they did too. I also do not come off like I have the answer for cancer because I am single also.

First off I didn’t know any of these women or their situations. I did know which ones were single and which ones were married. Did I know if they were happily married?  No!!

So everyone is dishing out their opinion of how to catch a man. I wanted to say ladies there is no sure-fire way to catch a man. Or how about anybody can catch a man. It is can you catch a good man or the man for you?

One of the ladies was outside which was the reason I came. I know her personally and she is one of my SMC friends. No one else at the party know how we became friends. This woman understands me. When no one understands where I am coming from I call her. To bitch, complain or just get some understanding.

Well one of these women made a comment about my friend being aggressive. That is not the way to get a man in her opinion. She was outside and not there to defend herself. I am thinking hold up. I have a few friends who are aggressive and straight up BITCH and have husband. So I took this as a personal attack. I am not submissive and could be thought of as aggressive depending on who is judging. I told them they were wrong and sometimes women get tired of the bullshit. So come correct of don’t come at all.

I took it personally because on another occasion a southern bell. That will be her name for the blog purposes. Told me Northerner are to aggressive and if I tone it down I might have a better chance of attracting a man. I let her opinion go and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know this woman very well and didn’t want any unnecessary controversy.

I wanted to ask her where her husband was at and did I miss the wedding. Yes the woman dishing out the I am to aggressive was not married either. I find that interesting. Where the advise comes from. What if it comes from a married person but there is no way in hell you would have went on a date with her husband if he was single. So why would I take advice from her? We don’t have the same taste in men.

As my mother said everyone has an opinion like everyone has an asshole. My mother is big on the one liners. The truth is I have been asked to be married three times. Yes miss aggressive. I didn’t do it because I knew those relationships would have issues and would not last. So if I just wanted a man I can do that. I have done that and have the tee-shirt. So ladies do I want to be happy or do I just want a man? If anyone has read my blog they will no the answer!!! I have 99 problems and a man ain’t one.

Life is moving!

Another uneventful Saturday. I am going to make myself busy when I get to Boston.

I had an email battle with a kind of family member. I known her since birth. Our mothers were friends. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me. We are talking no contact for about 3-5 years.  Once I realized I was doing all the calling I stopped. With me moving back home I called her to extend the olive branch. I called twice and a month passed and no return call. I would have let it go if she didn’t answer the phone for my mother.

I know the relationship is over but my feelings were hurt. I sent her an email expressing how I felt. I got a reply of a laundry list of all the bad things that are going on in her life. Like I was this insensitive asshole. How the hell would I know what was going on. I guess I am physic. Plus there are so many ways to get in touch with people these days. I thought her lack of response was B.S. She could have sent a text, I got your message I am going through a lot and will get back to you or something.

I am done with it. I am trying not to let it bother me to much. I am letting go of all relationships that are not reciprocal. I tend to hang on to people. I will no longer let them fill up space in my head. Any relationship is a two-way street. I am not going to be the only participant.

Other than that I have been having back pain on and off. The acupunturist had me feeling no pain on Friday. Now it is back a little. I am going to make an appt with the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I guess that is what I pay this high price insurance for.

I think I am in love with a sperm donor. I know it sounds crazy. I was reading what he wrote and I loved it so much. He is artsy like me and has a passion for writing. I guess my thoughts was if I met this man would I date him because we have things in common. The answer would be yes from how he expressed himself. Hopefully he is still available when I am ready.

I have 99 problems and man ain’t one!!!

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.

1) Looking for love in all the wrong places

I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.

2) Trying to figure out how he feels

We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.

3) Emotional Drama

I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.

4) Low Self-Esteem

I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.

5) I don’t need to be saved

There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl.  I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.

6) Who am I without a man

I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.

7) My terms

The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!