Ending a Relationship

A relationship ending is the hardest shit to go through. Especially when you are not the one ending it. Over the years I have shed many tears for some man who didn’t want my ass for one reason or another. I have actually been on that receiving end of bullshit more than I care to admit.

Now I have a friend close to me. A marriage is ending and she is crying and not doing well. I feel her pain and want to give her strength. There are kids involved and to be honest I have never been married. I can only give her my limited advice.

This might sound horrible, but you can only give a certain type of advice to certain friends. She is a friend but not a homegirl. A friend I say, pray about it and work on protecting you and your kids. Get ready to do it by yourself.

A homegirl, FUCK HIM. Tell him to kiss your ass. Do not let him see you cry. Don’t give his ass the satisfaction. The best revenge is living well and lets him know you will be just fine without his full of shit ass.  All this to say you kind of has to know your place with your friends.

I smell another bitch on the scene. She does too so we can have a real conversation about that. Even though the realities of relationships there is no protection. Some of the relationship I see my friends have, no way in hell I could be in. Probably the reason I am terminally single. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. The ones with all the bull are always attracted to me.  Such as life. I am glad the importance of a man in my life is very low. Not to say if Mr. Dream man or Mr. Right now (I will deal with him to) comes around he would get a chance.

I am still dreaming about the second baby. The plumber is still keeping in touch. I can go for a co-parenting situation. My eggs are getting older by the second.  I using the law of attractions for some money to come to afford the process of getting pregnant and the money needed to raise another baby.

Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

Santa is not her friend!!!

Merry Christmas

She isn’t feeling the big Red guy at all. I got the picture at Walmart. The Santa was sitting there. I asked could we take a picture he said sure. I added the rest to the picture. I didn’t have to sit in a two hour line to get the same awful crying picture. Win, win!!!

I have all the gifts wrapped. Waiting for two presents in the mail. The guy I am dating which we will call Dave from now on. Dave and I drove to three stores last Wednesday to find the play kitchen. After all that traveling with no luck. I ended up ordering it online. I swear you can’t find anything in the stores any more. I also ordered my mother a toaster oven. Since she doesn’t read my blog the secret is safe. They should both be here by the 19th. 20151213_215908-1

I finally found a topper for the tree. I am happy with are Charlie Brown tree. I know I am dating myself with that reference. All the people around my age knows what I mean.

I didn’t do anything last year. She was so small. I doubt she has any understanding now. She did walk over and touch the presents like what is that.

I have a new doctor which I really like. I left that clinic I was at and went somewhere totally different. The woman took her time and was very patient with my concerns. I have to schedule a hearing test and I will be having a delay specialist consultation. All in all a productive visit. Just on a side note. When we are in the car and the music is playing, I swear she is singing with the song. Not totally sure, but it sure seems like it.

I was talking to another single mother by choice friend. We were discussing our children challenges.  There is nothing that could happen that would make me not want to be her mother. I love this little girl so much. More then myself. I cried  and begged god to bring me her. Now my Christmas are special again. My life is revitalized because she is a part of it. I am her mom and it the most important job of my life!!!!!!!

Kind of Early

I am six weeks as of today. I think, this whole counting system is strange to me.

I am not sleeping straight through the night. I am getting up three or four times. I am really thirsty or have to pee. So interesting, I have never been the one to not sleep. I don’t have to throw up, but I have this sour stomach all day. I am taking this all in stride. This is what I wanted and asked for. I really don’t want to throw up at work.  My office is not close to the bathroom. Also if anyone is in there while I lose my cookies, I don’t want to answer the question are you okay?

My mother and I are on the outs again. Mother, daughter relationships are so complicated. I just want a normal mother. In typing that I have no idea what that means. Everyone I know has issues with their mother’s. Some better some worse. My relationship with my mother has improved greatly over the years. Presently she isn’t talking to me and told me to have a great life. This will not last long. How do I know, I known this woman my whole life.

Work is good, but I want to go home and get back in the bed. I took a cat nap in my car, and barely made it back to my desk. Since I work pretty independently unless I have to say something to my team. I am not usually missed. I come in check my phone and email. If nothing I am good. I don’t want to look like a slacker. I want to feel like I am pulling my weight. Even thought I want to say I am not a 100 percent can I leave. Then I will be leaving all the time. I don’t think I am going to be 100 percent until labor and delivery and recoup-oration.

I went to my therapist yesterday. She was so happy for me. I still want to see her even though I am not as depressed as when I first walked in her office. The conversation makes me feel good and points me in a positive direction. She did tell me she has patience she worries about. I am not one of them. That made me feel great. When I first got there I was not great or feeling that way at all. I felt beat down by life.

I am morning the lack of man again. My SMC friend that has already had her baby said I would go through this. She was totally right. She also said once I see my child’s face I will instantly forget about it for a while. I do believe that. My therapist had great advice. I need to work on accepting where I am at. I am in a great place. It might not be a fantasy but it damn sure is not a bad place.

I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Where have I been!!

I am in a rut. That time out-of-town put me so off-key. I haven’t really been exercising. I swear I lose motivation like people lose their keys. I am going to force myself to go to the gym today.  I want to be married. I say that after attending two weddings. The last one everyone in the damn place was married. I thought, wow no single people come to weddings anymore. My aunt said the next wedding will be mine. I told her I doubt it. I am not that kind of girl. I will go to Vegas, or the justice of the peace. I am not a big fan of so much extra to get married. I don’t think I ever thought of having a wedding. I guess I am strange.

I know a few people who would love to see me get married. I would love to see myself get married also. I can’t predict the future you never know. I am not doing to well dating. I met this guy online of course. We had a great conversation one day. Then the next day he is sending my 1-900 text message. I was so disgusted.

So on the baby front. Which is my real focus at the moment. After I have my twins I will worry about a man in my life. I have no idea if I am pregnant. Haven’t been focused on it at all. Which hay they say that is when it happens. I am 9DPO ( nine days past ovulation).  I would buy a pregnancy test, but with my overly aggressively trying to pay of bills. My checking account is lower than I like to see it.

We all know when I buy one I end up buying many. I am just going to wait to see if my period shows up.

Random Life and baby stuff

I was on my way to get my shot to help the letrozole. Six possible follicles found after the ultrasound.

She made the comment of this not being protocol. I asked her what she meant by that. I guess they usually go forward with the insemination if there are four follicles or less. I am praying she doesn’t cancel it. Granted she said, she see no reason not to go forward because we are dealing with an egg quality issue. She also went forward with the last IUI and I had five follicles last time. Granted at this point in the process she only saw three.  We all know how that last time ended up. I am working on being totally optimistic.

If all goes according to plan the trigger shot will be on Monday and insemination on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I took off Tuesday and Wednesday. After the first insemination I am going straight to my acupuncturist after the insem on Tuesday.  I am not sure if I am going to go to they hypnotherapy  I was really thinking about it. Nothing to lose but more money. I might call her tomorrow.  She says she has late hours. I can’t take more time off work. So it would need to fit into the schedule.

Doctor dude called me yesterday. My cousin wedding is in NJ in August. He asked if I could come down a day earlier and we could hang out. To me it is the same problem. I haven’t met you before. My friends think I am taking this to far. My safetly comes first. I been on to many bad internet dates to meet someone in a strange city. Plus when I go I am staying with my aunt in the hotel room she is paying for. Yes I am cheap.

So I called her to see when she was getting to NJ. She was actually going to be there a day early. Great that could work. I told her the situation and she suggested I attend the bridal shower with her in Philly. I was not planning to attend the bridal show. I said if she paid for my ticket I would go. She said I was trying to pimp her. I laughed so hard. I am not trying to pimp her, I have major fertility bills coming my way. I wasn’t planning to spend more money on a trip to Philly. She said no. Then called me back and said she would look into ticket prices.

All this to say Doctor dude lives outside of Philly. I called him and left a message. I never usually call him during the day. He actually called back and thought it was a great idea. He doesn’t have a problem meeting my aunt. He said he could give us the three-hour tour of Philly. So we will see. I might meet Doctor Dude in July. We will see!! No tickets have been bought yet!

My Aunt could be a back up set of eyes. To know this man isn’t crazy. Taking my Aunt on a first date or meeting was not my plan. Life works the way it works!!

 

Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.

 

The life of People I don’t know

Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...

I have been addicted to Youtube for a few years now. I watch videos about everything from pregnancy to how to’s and so on. I fell in love with this one YouTube family. They had been on YouTube for a multiple of years when I started watching their videos. They had two children together. He already had two children. Which made the grand total of four kids. Then they were married it seemed so grand. They showed the kids progress and so on. Their videos ranged from random to funny. Their relationship seemed so great. They did things as a family. They worked a lot to keep the family going.

Well yesterday they had an announcement. I was thinking are they pregnant again? I wonder what it could be. I listen closely for the news.

They are getting a divorce. My mouth dropped. Of course they didn’t reveal much of how this relationship came to an end. They mentioned they haven’t lived together in months. A six-year relationship down the tubes. I felt bad for them.

The soon to be ex-wife did say something that makes sense  We only know them for ten minute segments of their lives. We don’t know what happens day-to-day. There stresses and problems.

When I think of being a SMC I get depressed. Sometimes I think of how lonely it could be. I have to push that out my mind. Clearly all the relationships I have been in didn’t work. Or I would still be in them.

If I had children out of those relationship, I would be a single parent. It just wouldn’t have been my choice from the start.

I looked at this family with envy of something I wish I had. The truth is I am not a fly on the wall in their house. I don’t know if either of them cheated, abusive, can’t manage money. There is a lot of factors to make a relationship work. Clearly I haven’t mastered relationships myself.

The demise of a YouTube family makes me think of my life and what I need to do. I need to push through with my dreams. They might not happen another way.

I am ready to go!!

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

 

My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.

 

I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!

 

I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.

 

Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.

 

I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.

 

You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again.  We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!

 

Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!