Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.

God in Devil out!

This is what I have been saying to myself for days. Every time a negative thought enters my head. I am not religious. I do believe in god. I did ask my preacher friend how does he pray. I wanted to give my prayers a little extra something. A few days late he asked me if I was reading the bible. I told him no. He said that is like having the peanut butter without the Jelly. LOL. Okay I am not gong to lie to him. So I told him it isn’t going to be something I am going to commit too.

Well God in Devil out came from my mothers lecturing me. I called her depressed and upset as usual. My life, no man, no baby, short sale taking forever blah blah. She starts her lecture of course. That is the devil talking. You need to talk to god. It is funny when I asked for a sibling she said the same thing, ask god for it. Which would have never been answered because my mother had an IUD. But she told me to ask god for it. Interesting!!! I guess that what she did to shut up an eight year old.

I do believe my negative thinking can bring negative into my life. So god in devil out is a quick way to get that negative thought out of my brain. It has been working so far. Not perfect but making progress. Sometimes I don’t even know when I am being negative, sad to say. I was talking to a friend on my way to work. I said it is going to be a hellish work day. She said there you go negative again. Wow I didn’t even know I was doing it. Clearly I have a lot of work to do on this.

I need to work on my next blessing entry. I have it in my head. Hopefully I will get to it this week. Well on a good note. I lost two pounds. I know it doesn’t sound like much. Since I have been messing up for a while it sounds great to me. I have doing great with my food for eight days and counting. I also started my P90x again. I have to say I am not whole heartedly doing P90x. I have to pleaded with myself to do it. But so far so good.

God in Devil out. God=good thought, future progress, living my dreams. Devil=negative thought, depression, nothing good happens especially my dreams.

Faith!

Blind Faith (film)

I will begin with I did not grow up in church. I might have went to sunday school and handful of times. I have visited many churches. Usually because I was invited by someone. I have found many pastors moving. I have yet to make a commitment to any church.

For me I accepted god loves me the way I am. I believe pastors are human. I love listening to a pastor that motivates you to get through the week. But when I feel like they are all-knowing and can tell you what god said verbatim that is when they lose me.

For a long time I thought god was like Santa Claus, But he skipped my house when I was growing up. Long story.

Over the years I got very spiritual which is also a long story. I had blind faith. I was fearless and ready for any challenge. I was moving to GA with nothing. No job, a couch to sleep on and a car. My uncle told me I would be back. He had no faith I would succeed. I would be back home with my tail between my legs. I told him god had my back.

Fast forward 12 years later. I have to say my blessing have come in many shapes and forms. It is so easy to remember the bad things. I need my faith back. I decided I wasn’t going to think about the short sale any more yesterday. I needed a break from worrying. I have to work on a letter for the short sale. I am going to start it today or tomorrow. I can’t predict the future all I can do is the next right thing.

I am going to try to document all my blessing. They so easily forgotten. So the next series of blogging will be my blessing. I will have them in black and white.

Short Sale Hell!

I should have known better. I thought this would be a whole lot easier. Not just financially but emotionally. I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want everything to happen with ease. I have no idea how I thought that. Nothing in my life works that way.

My mother said I am not relying on god. I am not that religious. I am spiritual. I do believe all my negative energy surrounding this issue is not helping. I am just not at ease with the whole process. I am ready to get everything started and moving.

Life has never worked on my time. I don’t know why I always get disappointed in areas I can’t control. I know it is a waste of time. I know I can’t do anything to change the process. Why am I upset!!

I don’t know. Another character defect to work on!!

Not Excited

I haven’t been excited about anything in a long time. Even thinking about Doctor Dude doesn’t bring me fake excitement. My life is become so humdrum. I think my dog is even bored with the routine. He tries to get us to walk different ways in the evening. He probably thinks his mommy is so predictable.

My life has become very predictable. It is kind of pathetic. When I first moved here I was a mover and a shaker. I was going out having fun. Those things don’t excite me anymore.

Meeting new men doesn’t excite me anymore. My disappointment meter with men have over flown. It is hard to muster excitement when they are concerned.

My gloomy  gus attitude needs to change. I talk to other people and there lives sound just as boring as mine. Is that what happens later in life. Is that why people have mid-life crisis, to muster some excitement. Prayer works, I am going to pray for excitement and happiness. Not drama, excitement just to be clear.

On another note Doctor Dude received his present. He asked me how I knew he like dark chocolate. How about I had no idea it just looked pretty in the picture. Also it was inexpensive that sold me. I told him it was a lucky guess. Hey I will take my brownie points. I didn’t want to say I didn’t really think about it. Which I didn’t

I made someone happy. That is cool. Now I need to work on myself!! Which has always been extreme hard for me!!

Another Day!

Monologist

Doctor dude AKA fake boyfriend sent me a text that he was sick all weekend. A friend asked if I believed him. I guess it is in a womans nature to cast doubt. I have no reason not believe him. Even if I didn’t believe him what would it matter?

He did call last night. I missed the call. My cell phone was upstairs charging. No biggie!!

I guess my post yesterday has brought a lot of conversation on the desperate topic.

A faithful reader which happens to be a good friend sent me an email regarding my post. I swear she understands me. Then I talked to a different friend and she brought it up and I know she doesn’t read my blog.

The point being if we were desperate we would not be alone. There is always someone who wants you, that you don’t want. For various reason I have kicked people out of my life.

The ex Fiance that tried to give me bible homework. Then got mad when I didn’t do it. The man abusive in his tone when he was mad. The man who only wanted to see me when he felt like it. The man who couldn’t pay his bills. Yeah I could have had any of them. If I was willing to take the pile of shit that came with them.

Some women are willing to take the shit to have a man. I am not!! To all my sister who feel the same way Amen to you.

I have an ex friend. Why is she ex? This woman had more drama than any soap opera. I was sick of talking to her. I am convinced she created these dramas in her life.

 I remember in High School this girl would come to school with a daily drama. Another girl said something I will never forget. No ones life is that damn interesting. Either she is lying or creating the drama.

I would agree this ex friend was creating this drama in her life. The last and final straw was when she finally got out of an abusive relationship. I do not mean just verbal. He was about to kick her ass. It was getting more and more violent. 

She finally had her own place seem to be doing well. With in 30 days she had a new man living with her. I thought to myself that was quick as hell. To know this woman it was not odd. She could not be without a man. Her whole validation was who was laying in her bed at night.

I am talking to her one day and she said she couldn’t pay her light bill. I am thinking damn this bill must be real high. It was two hundred bucks. My next comment which I should have kept to myself was why doesn’t your boyfriend help you. By this point he has been living there three months.

Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? He doesn’t have a job she says!! WTF!!

Seriously here we go again. I said nothing after that. Then she started to defend herself. I told her if you like it I love it. I didn’t care to be in the conversation of her dramas to have a man. When she realized I wasn’t arguing with her she started to get nasty with me.

Basically the jest was I was pathetic because I didn’t have a man. That was the last and final straw. I went off right at this point. I let her know that I will love myself more than any man will ever love me. The pathetic one is you who can’t live with out someone. You get rid of trash to let more trash in. I am not your therapist and you are not my dependent. I can not put your ass on my taxes. I am sick of hearing this bullshit. I wish you the best and this friendship is over.

When she heard that I could hear the shock in her voice. I have been there with her B.S. since college. It had been over 10 years of me listening and walking her through her self-created dramas. I haven’t talked to her in two plus years.  I don’t care to talk to her again. She is not missed.

I don’t need a man. I desire a man. If he is not an asset in my life he is a liability. I will never ever take care of a grown ass man!! Or lower myself in any way to have a man in my life.