7 Weeks 5 Days first OBGYN appt

This appointment was a lot longer than expected. I had to call me job and tell them I was going to be late. Of course being 38 I am high risk. Then taking the medicine I take I will have to see a fetal medicine doctor. So no ultrasound today. She said the fetal medicine doctor will do it. They also have better machines. I did have to take the diabetic test today. I wasn’t prepared for that at all. Because I am old and my dad is pre-diabetic.  So that next appointment with them will be in a month. The fetal medicine doctor, they have to run through my insurance first then make an appointment. She gave me a prescription for prenatal and nauseous medicine. The midwife didn’t ask a lot of extra questions. I said the father was not in the picture end of subject. The phlebotomy lady was very nosy. Asked me why I waited, did I just get married, and a few other personal question. I gave her vague answers. I wasn’t upset she was being nosy. I was caught off guard. She did share personal information about herself. Nice, nosy woman taking my blood.

I did learn I am so overweight I only need to gain 15 pounds. When they weighted me it looks like I lost six pounds. From the highest I seen on my scale. All this is hard to take in. My family is calling asking a bunch of question. My aunt wants to come visit and go to a doctor’s appointment. I appreciate all that, but I am trying not to throw up at my desk. I wasn’t that accommodating when they called. I am trying to get through this work day in once peace. I am also nervous to make it past one trimester. I also declined to do any testing they have to stick needles in my stomach. I took the less evasive blood test that when I take it, is about 95% my child is okay. I am going to pray and ask god to bless the baby in my stomach. When she asked.

I am not jumping for my aunt to visit. She wants me to drive her all over the place when she is here. If she comes it isn’t about her and we are not crossing town because she wants to check on this and that. I am not in the mood to cater to anyone at the moment. I just want to lay in the bed any moment i have. I don’t have time for anyone else, I have another month to get through.

 

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26 DPO

I called the OBGYN and had a conversation with the receptionist. We made an appointment for confirmation of pregnancy on Oct 7th first thing in the morning. She said if I get my period to let them know. I am so nervous. This is the game changer I wanted. I still can’t help to think damn did I really do this. All baby dust pushed my way will be appreciated!!!

My new job as a manager seems to be working out pretty good. I got let in on some information today. I am thinking to myself I didn’t want to know that. Another manager and I discussed the information and she was right. It is hard to take your feelings out of the situation. There are some downsides to being management.

 

Baby Project #36

I have been feeling twinges. That is the best way to describe it. I am only 5DPO. So it should be too early to tell if anything is happening. I am not taking the progesterone. I still have a prescription. When I get a positive pregnancy test I will begin taking it again.

The twinges are similar to how I felt when I got the positive pregnancy test. I am not getting overly excited. Maybe a little excited. I am trying to figure out an early pregnancy test to buy.

I am not going to do that clomid challenge. I decided that more information will not change my program. The only information I want is positive information. All the test in the world will not predict what will happen. The doctor even said that. So I do not need anymore claims going to my sucky insurance.

My weight is still high and I am having a hard time not eating over stressful things.  I want to be back in my size eight’s. Even with that being my desire it isn’t the first thing I am focusing on these days.

I am regretting not moving back to Boston when I had the chance. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk. I love my job. My boss is great no stress. I miss my family and would like to be in the place I desire to be for a while. Now I created this debt, which I am not happy about. I want to find a part-time job. I make good money, but I want to pay it off faster.

I am going to really look for a job this weekend. An extra hundred to hundred and fifty bucks a week would make a big difference in my world. One of my goals is to be debt free. Here is to working on goals!!!

 

Baby Project #30

I am not pregnant. I knew I wasn’t when I got my period this morning. I was supposed to come back in to get ready for another IUI. I called it all off. I need a break.

The financial part of this is stressing me out. So the social worker was great about it. Said if I wanted to I could come back. Well the doctor called me back and said no she does not think it is a good idea I come back. She was nice about it explained her side of things. She thinks my next step should be IVF. I cannot afford IVF at this point and also do not have the insurance for it.

My next step is a known donor. I know I am going backwards. People start with a known donor first.  The appointments of the process didn’t bother me. It was tossing up another 2500 bucks.

I went to the Known Donor Registry.  I saw a guy I met online years ago. I never met him in person. Funny how small the world is. I was a little put off by the doctor. Telling me not to come back.

I still was calling it quits. It seemed that she thought I was an emotional wreck that couldn’t go on. No I didn’t want to spend money I did not have. The amount I owe right now is on a credit card. I don’t like that shit. She said she understood. Oh well moving on in my world.

How does a regular person by themselves afford this? I have a good job. Not a six figure job, but a good one. I feel punished for following the rules.  She also gave me a lecture about known donors also. Either way I am an adult. Even with my old eggs. I have to make decisions that work for me.

Baby Project #28

I don’t feel well. I know it could be all progesterone related. My stomach is way off.  I don’t know what it is. I am trying not to get overly excited. My claim to fame last time. Yes the progesterone I took gave me symptoms. I was pregnant. It didn’t stick but I was.

When I was showing my doctor the acupuncturist pills she wanted me to take. She asked me why she gave me these. I told her to make it stick this time. She said she couldn’t truly confirm I was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I know it wasn’t. She doesn’t have to confirm.

I been unbelievable tired also. I took an hour nap in my car during lunch. It so didn’t help. It made it worse. I had to get some coffee to make it through the day.

I have been working on my projects. I started writing a Sci-Fi book. I actually have two stories. One people like more than the other one. A friend of mind said my mid is always working on something. She is right. I just need to finish the stuff I create in my mind. I have the big issues of procrastinating and not finishing things.

I put my dreams and aspirations on my vision board. I am looking at it every night for at least five minutes  Trying to be obiediant. It is so hard for me to be consistent. This is a big step for me.

My clothes are tight. I don’t know if it is from poor diet (probably) or fertility drugs. I know I am not comfortable. I am working on it day by day. When I get the positive I will be gaining weight and need to accept it. I don’t think I have a problems with pregnancy weight. At least that for a reason. Not just stuffing your face with crap.

Baby Project #17

Still in the two week wait. My friend asked me about my phantom symptoms  If I am not pregnant I would be shocked. Not just because I want it so bad. My boobs have been tingling. I felt something in my lower region. Not what I would call menstrual pains. I am not a doctor.

I know I need to stay offline. Every symptom I am looking on-line to see if it is an early sign of pregnancy. I driving myself crazy. My father and I finally had a great discussion concerning me having babies. He admitted he told his friends I was trying to get pregnant. He is not allowed to say anything to the family. I am not really close to his side. I have one cousin I talk to. I already told her my plan. I don’t care if they know, but they don’t need to know.

My father telling his friends was the first glimpse that he has been hearing what I been saying. I had a feeling he was ignoring me.

I joined my food program again. My sponcer called me last night. We had a long talk and, I been fat and miserable. So when I get the news I want on Friday we will adjust my food plan for pregnancy.

 

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Baby Project #10

I am officially on fertility drugs as of last night. No side effects yet, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way. I am in a great mood today. I want to stay on this happy cloud.

I was talking to Doctor dude last night. I called him this weekend. He didn’t get back to me which is unusual. He said he left his phone in a hospital and got it yesterday. I got a random text from him in the middle of the day yesterday explaining himself. I never get text from him in the middle of the day. So he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me. How cute!!! I felt a little flattered that he gave a shit.

I told him if I don’t get pregnant (which I know I will). I am moving to PA getting on his insurance and getting IVF. We both laughed. Hey you never know life is stranger than fiction.

The one thing about Doctor dude I really like is we talk. We have talked for five years with maybe three sexual conversation in those five years. Now to be honest the five years was on and off. The fact that he doesn’t treat our conversation like he is paying by the minute I love that!!

I listen to all his medical situation which I find gross and tell him to stop half way through the descriptions. Our relationship has a very interesting dynamic.

No complaints at the moment. I did win 30 bucks on my scratch ticket. I am going to reinvest today.  Mama wants to hit the jackpot!!!

 

Baby Project Fail!!!

Today was not my day. I don’t know what I expected. I was walking into a doctor’s office with bad test to begin with. Well I had my ultrasound and found I have fibroid. Shocked the hell out of me. Well she informed me 70% of black women have them. On a good note they are very small.  I guess I can’t say I don’t have female issues again.

The ultrasound was being performed and I couldn’t tell what the hell she was looking at. She was measuring my fibroid and looking at the general stuff in the uterus. Well she could see one tube very clearly. The other one not so much.

I am sitting in the chair in her office. I swear I wanted to break down and cry. I was holding it back. Still haven’t cried yet, been holding it back all day. She basically said, she is not sure if one of my tubes is open and works. If it does not all this might be a waste of time. If it is open she isn’t making any promises and would give me a 10% chance of IUI success with full medication. She said I should try about three times.  Which could cost me a total of six thousand dollars.

She sees the benefit of IVF for me. Now I really want to cry. I do not have the money for IVF.  Especially since my insurance doesn’t cover anything for fertility. I read all these blogs of women who have tried IVF several times. Some still come home with no baby. I know three people who did IVF and didn’t end up with a baby. All is a dead issues since I can’t afford IVF.

She advised I get a HSG test. The test I was avoiding due to the cost. Now I am all in because I feel my dreams slipping away. They actually fit me in for today. Thank god it wasn’t painful. I heard other women screamed in pain. She did give me four Advil and some prescription I picked up before the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable but nothing to serious.

I was trying to get the tech to tell me something. No damn luck on that one. I did get to see one picture. I had no idea what I was looking at. I know there is no guarantees. But I am so scared and depressed and gloom and doom right now. I need to work on getting my faith back. It is so low right now. I know god has done a lot of great things for me. Will he pull this through. Or am I one of the people who don’t get a baby. Which my aunt proceeded to tell me. Not all women get to have babies. Thanks auntie!!! I am in the not all women club for a lot of things. Then no baby is not a club I want to join.  My single mother by choice friend is getting me straight. She had a five percent chance and got pregnant on the first try. We are all different and who knows life is stranger than fiction. I could be pregnant on the first try. I am going to pray for that. I am so bitter right now. I need to work on my mood and positivity if I want any type of success.

No backing out!!

The social worker from the reproductive clinic emailed me. It is time to plan the doctor’s appointment. I need to make sure I am not pregnant before I begin this. I am trying to stay positive that I am pregnant.

She did answer a few of my questions. She stated there were women with the same AMH or lower who have gotten pregnant at their clinic. Also women with normal AMH that have not gotten pregnant. I felt good about that answer. Now I feel the test are not detrimentally bad.

If I am not pregnant, I need to be taking the DHEA. I been trying to find a place to take a blood test. It came into my brain this morning about my friend who got testing done with no insurance. I have insurance but don’t want to chase down a doctor or explain why I  want this test. I am sure doctors have heard it all, but I don’t want to do it.

Well my friend told me about a place called ANY LABS. There is one down the street from my house. I will be in there on Saturday morning. I called they will let me know the results by Monday.

I am excited and scared on so many levels. Reading so many blogs of infertility issues, it is hard not to go straight to the negative. I do read a few blogs where they were pregnant pretty quickly.

My new question for the social worker. Do I need a new sperm donor. I am CMV – my sperm donor is CMV+. I don’t see the big deal. I don’t know anyone who got pregnant ask the man what is their CMV. I hope it is not a problem. I want that sperm donor if I am using sperm donation.

Life is good!! So many what if’s but no complaints. All in all a good place to be.