My life Part 1

So much has gone on. My life is so random. My ex friend hasn’t called me to apologize or anything. That is why her title is ex friend. Oh well!!

I am still in limbo with the job. I have heard nothing about the promotion. I plan to ask next week about the status. Waiting a little while for budgets. I am not ready to hear bad news. I am hoping it is what I want, but you never know.

My internet dating life is getting very strange. I want an activity partner. Someone to hang with and maybe have some casual adult fun. Well this has been very hard to find. All these years I find very few men wanting a commitment. Now that I am not in the market for one that is all these fools talk about it.

I found a blast from the past online. I did not meet him originally online. I actually met him at work. He came to my office for some work to get done. Long story short he had too much drama in his life. Also he had three kids and didn’t want anymore. After I seen him online I end up on the phone with him. He stated he had five kids. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I asked him five kids huh??. He then went into this speech about children being a blessing. I said I thought you had two or three kids. Now I am thinking he lied all those years ago we went out. No this man has had two kids since we dated. Which was four years ago. I said WTF. I thought you didn’t want to have any more children. I was in shocked. I didn’t ask if it was by the same woman or not. I just thought you are too old for this foolishness. He has to be in his mid to forties. Now you have five kids and two under the age of 3 with  a random woman you clearly are not with. Due to the fact you are on a dating site. Then he seemed so excited to hang out with me. Oh HELL NO would be my answer!!! I will never be calling this dude back.

I also have been talking to a new guy for a few days. Last night I had a Deja vu. He said something that sounded so familiar.  I told him I had something strange to tell him. I had went on a date with him over ten years ago. I remember where he worked and the car he drove. He then remember it also. Now here is the messed up part. He was not interested in me at all back then. I remember him telling me he wasn’t and never called me back.

Isn’t that some shit!!. Then he said didn’t we fool around a little. I am thinking to myself I don’t remember that. But I can’t say it didn’t happen. I was out there in my twenties. I will have to say it makes it worse that he never called me back. He was double talking because it seemed he really wanted to date me now. I have to say I am not down with the second chances on this front.  I remember him being very cocky and adamant about me not being for him. Can I remember exactly what he said, NO. I said why would I go on a date with you to be turned down again. It was left on a very awkward note. He said I guess I have to pay for my sins 11 years later. I guess you do pal. If he didn’t leave such a bad taste in my mouth all those years ago with his action. Then I might have went on a date with him. Now he can kick rocks!!!

I am going with my first instinct. I have no interested in him. Oh well life is stranger than fiction.

 

I have 99 problems and man ain’t one!!!

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.

1) Looking for love in all the wrong places

I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.

2) Trying to figure out how he feels

We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.

3) Emotional Drama

I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.

4) Low Self-Esteem

I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.

5) I don’t need to be saved

There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl.  I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.

6) Who am I without a man

I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.

7) My terms

The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!