Baby when stars align!!

I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.

Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.

Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.

The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.

It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.

Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.

When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.

We will see if the stars align again!!

Night Intruption

Ava was scratching her head. I assumed she did it out of frustration. My mother told me to wash her hair. Even though I didn’t think that was the reason. Because she can’t confirm my thoughts. I washed her hair on a weekday. Which was a big production. She wasn’t that accommodating which made the whole thing difficult. Then I braided it up and she actually was asleep before 10pm. Now it isn’t 11:30pm and I am up writing a blog. Which I should be asleep. I need to feel like I have a life. Other than work and being a mother.

I suggested a guy at my job had a child. He is over 50 with no children. I told him he needed a baby mama. Trying to find a mate is too difficult. Of course, I was making a joke. He thought it was funny. I would love someone to be on the same page as me and co-parent a child. How the hell do you have that conversation. I was telling a friend what I said. She said don’t say that to him could be a Human Resource issue. I am pretty bold but I could not fix my face to say that to someone I work with.

Still keeping hope alive that second baby will come before I get too old.

Things keep moving!!!

Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.

Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!

My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.

I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.

The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.

I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.

My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.

My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.