Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

Homework!!

My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????

Baby Project #38

Jerry springer logos

 

Nothing to report. I am still waiting to test. I am going to take my first test tomorrow morning. It will be two weeks from the happy face. I need to know if I am truly having symptom. Or is my mind play tricks on me.

 

A co-worker told me I should put some make up on and go to the sports bar. I told him I don’t drink or like sports. Why everyone feels I need a man??

 

If you follow my blog you will remember the past co-worker, I was talking to in a dating manner. We actually never went anywhere. We talked on the phone for a week before the shit hit the fan.

 

Another co-worker (a very trashy one) said that she was dating this guy. I don’t know if I believed they were dating. I did believe there was something going on. I confronted this guy, stating my life cannot be an episode of Jerry Springer. He was very cavalier about it and then did not speak to me for two years. I was pissed and ignored his ass also. He did apologize for his actions in so many word (TWO YEARS LATER). Swearing he didn’t date her.

 

He no longer works at my job. The reason for this story. His friend informed me that he didn’t date the girl. She just serviced him in the work parking lot and he dismissed her. Wow such an asshole. I am glad I dodged that bullet.

 

God spared me from that foolishness. I also think using a her as his personal hook up and then getting rid of her makes him a jerk. The girl clearly had issues and really like him. He just used her. I feel sorry for her because men can be so cruel!!. They know when a woman has low self-esteem. They use their weakness against them and throw them out with the trash. What goes around comes around. I am sure he will get it back ten fold!!

 

I have 99 problems and man ain’t one!!!

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.

1) Looking for love in all the wrong places

I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.

2) Trying to figure out how he feels

We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.

3) Emotional Drama

I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.

4) Low Self-Esteem

I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.

5) I don’t need to be saved

There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl.  I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.

6) Who am I without a man

I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.

7) My terms

The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!

Not so High and Mighty

The Cleveland–Loretta Quagmire

I know the past few post makes me seem like the strong independent woman. It took a long time to get to this point. I didn’t go through my dating years with these philosophy. I like most women had self esteem issues. I grew up in a plus size body, with inactive parents. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. It took years of being stepped on. Years of tears. Losing over a hundred pounds and loving myself. Even after all that I would slip back into the foolishness of a man.

I am not different from any woman. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I try my best not to be insane when it comes to a man. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I fail.

I was talking to a friend. We were discussing a friend of hers who has a cheating husband. I came off like I never been the other woman. I had to think about this and correct myself. There have been times I didn’t know I was the other woman. Those were not my fault. I blame that totally on the lying asshole.

There was one time I knew he was seeing other people. He treated me so well I accepted the arrangement. I was not his girlfriend. We didn’t put labels on it. I also knew the label would have been rejected. He treated me like a princess. We went out all the time. He brought me gifts that made me feel special. I was 23 he was 36.

We were out one night at a party. One of the women in his life was there also. It was not a great scene. The drama began and she was not about to let it go. She asked me how I knew him. At first I had no idea who she was and I answered the questions. Than I thought who the hell is this woman? He walked up and avoided her who was standing in front of me. He asked me what did she say to me. Well that set her off. She started screaming. I was embarrassed we were in the Marriott lounge about to go into the party. I told him to handle his business and I walked away.

Did I mention this woman was 45. He found me about ten minutes later. I said who was that. He said an ex acting crazy. I knew that was a half truth and requested him to buy my drink at the bar.  I didn’t believe his explanation but I was not trying to get into it that night. While standing at the bar this woman comes up to me again.

She starts talking to me. He was with me last week, driving my car paying my bills blah, blah. I turned to her. I am young enough to be her daughter. I said he lied to you. He didn’t lie to me. I think you need to take all this up with him. Well this set her off.

She tried to throw the drink he bought me in his face. I wasn’t going to let that happen. Not that I cared if he got wet. It was my damn drink.

She started screaming at him again. They were both escorted out by security. I never got a real explanation for this woman actions. I continued the relationship with him for another year. Not my finest moments. You live you learn and try not to repeat your mistakes!!!

My Experience with Molestation and Rape

It took me ten years to tell my family I was molested then raped.  Why did it take so long?  Well I really didn’t think they would care.  They were very neglectful and I always felt I was more of a burden then a gift.  Also my abuser was not a stranger.  My first cousin was my first sexual experience.  It started with touching.  We would be on the living room couch watching T.V. My cousin and I with a blanket over us, nothing there was nothing unusual about that.  He touched my body in a UN family manner.  Others were in the room and I didn’t know what to do.  He would take the opportunity for full penetration in the basement of the family summer home.  I screamed in pain with my virginity being taken against my will. My only knowledge was what I saw on after school specials. Those special never mentioned what to do in a complicated family situation.  How to speak up at 13 when your 25 year old cousin is doing things to you?  How do I open my mouth to a family that felt children are seen not heard?  How do I tell my grandmother who is raising me that her other grandchild was hurting me?

It took ten years. Yes I was about 23 when I screamed at my mother I was raped.  It happened right under her nose. I told her this information to hurt her.  It happened during one of our many arguments of how she raised me.  My grandmother raised me.  Even with this I still love my mother.  During my formative years she was more into drugs and her friends. The selective memory my mom amazes me. I had to put the nail in the coffin and I screamed in a moment of anger “I was raped and you let it happen”.  It did exactly what I wanted it to do. She broke down and cried.  I felt bad but wanted her to feel pain at the same time.

I told my father and he said “What do you want me to do now”. I guess that would have driven me over the edge at one point in my life. The disappointment I have in my parents no longer makes me emotional.  You have to take a test to drive but not to have children.  I was born into a family that I finally can say did the best they could, which in my opinion was not much.

Despite my parents I did well.  I graduated from college I have a decent career and a home.  I refused to go to college graduation out of spite.  I felt my parents did nothing to ensure my success.  I was not going to allow them to praise me on all the work I did alone.  I left that college and got my diploma in the mail.

I cannot rewind the clock and change the circumstances of my life.  I have no idea how many of my decisions were changed by being raped. I know the rest of my teenage years I was beyond promiscuous.  I was looking for love in any way possible.  I would use my body for kind words of being wanted.  Depression engulfed my life. I was told by a therapist I wasn’t depressed enough to go on drugs.  I told him thank you but what the hell am I supposed to do.  I come to the conclusion therapy was not going to do shit for me. So I continue in life.  Not able to retain a relationship.  I have no idea if that has to do with my sexual assault or my family made me who I am.  A woman who believes no one will truly be there for me.  Working on my issues can be trying because the feeling that no one understands my life.  The most relief I have gotten is talking to other victims.  Their innocence was ripped away with no recourse.   At time I feel my family still doesn’t get it or care.  Some seem insensitive to my circumstances and feel I should mend ways with him.  Or they bring his name up like I care what is going on in his life.  He took something from me.  It can never be excused or can be given back.  I will never know the true affect this has played on my life.