Baby Project #31

It is funny how things come full circle. I have another appointment with a gynecologist. I need to get my STD screening again. I am also going to work on getting a prescription of clomid. I know I wasn’t successful the last time. They wanted me to take tests. I took the test and  now I want the prescription. I am really paying for not having a regular Gyno. Everyone gets this prescription with ease. I am the one who gets all the trouble.

My known donor is very handsome. He also has green eyes. I have to say I like that.

How about my mom and aunt are all on board to. They have really shown themselves supportive. They both said when I started this process and explained the expense. Can you just find someone to have sex with. My high and might self was against. Well I did try with the pain in the ass ex. Which I did talk to him, and we decided against it. He wants to be a father. I am moving to Boston and do not want to deal with the drama of someone wanting me to stay in GA.

 

Life Choices

Moving day is tomorrow. I don’t want to do the work but excited about having my own space.

I love my dog, but he is not coming with me. He is home. I know he will miss me and I will him. I won’t miss walking him in the cold and rain. Does that make me a bad person??? I more of a cat person. I had him for seven years. I love my five-pound pain in the ass. Now he has brother dog and seems happier. He was board and lonely when it was just him and I. Now he plays and runs and has a good time. I have to admit I do feel guilty. I am going to have to work through that.

I am starting to get bitter about a few things.

1)My weight

2) no sex life

3) Paying to have a baby and other just have sex!!

I knew I was going to go through a lot of emotions. They have always been there. They are just multiplying by the day. Every time I think about the price of having a baby, I get upset.

I have literally never tried getting pregnant. Even when I had the ex in the picture, he was never around when I was ovulating.

I could be fertile mertile for all I know. I have protected my eggs from sperm for a number years. Hindsight is a MF!! I could have tried to get knocked up years ago. I had no idea I would have been in this position.

I have to admit I still want to find an easy way. Will it happen?? I have no damn idea. I am keeping hope alive. The war is not lost until that first insemination. Which will probably be in April.

I still think about my ex. Yes the man I cursed to high hell. We talked yesterday!! I asked him why I have been obsessed with him for over 11 years? That is why I need not judge anyone. I have issues like everyone else!!!

Sex and Power!!

The moment I have sex with someone I give them power. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Other times it creates emotional and mental chaos  I had my little escapade in my car. The kissing and touching and heavy petting. Well I had to put the ca bosh on what was clearly going to come next. I took a major rain-check on going to Mr. Man house and watching a movie.

Clearly the gate way to be butt naked doing the dance to give a way my power. This man was honest he has absolutely no time for me. Did he say that no. He said he can make time. Yeah right !!! I heard his schedule and it sounds like there would be no time to make. Plus the moment a man get some sex then the tables turn. You see what they are really about. At your expense. I have no intention of giving this man this power. I have no time in my life to figure out if he is an asshole. Do I want him physically?  Oh yes I do!!

I also am not the best judge in this area. My body tells me something totally different from my mind. So I took my damn self to see the Avengers at the two dollar theater  Now that he knows he is not getting the goods we will see if he keeps in touch. Since I didn’t give him my power and he doesn’t keep in touch. I can let that go a whole lot quicker. It would be clear that his interest was a sexual one and not friends. Yes the man did use the word friends.

We will see if he stands by that  since I have no interest in going to his house. I also am sick of this house dating crap. Take me out. It can be a walk , it can be for coffee. It doesn’t have to always have to be at someones house.

Since I now live with roommates my house is off-limits anyways. I am changing my whole approach and perspective. Is sex worth the danger it can bring to me. I would say no. Women know the deal. You sleep with the ones you don’t want and don’t sleep with the ones you do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

After being put through the ringer by many males I finally learned a few lessons. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I am changing lanes and doing a double take before I take any leap.

I was at lunch and my girl said do you want to F^@&@ him. I said no. Then don’t go to his house. That is pretty much cut and dry. My mind would tell me it is the total wrong thing to do. Where as my body would totally win over. So I am planning not to fail!!!

Friends with benefits! (Failed!!)

Friends (With Benefits)

No luck on this front. I want the action but don’t know how I will feel emotionally. The reasons these men are not in my life presently are good ones. So why am I trying to resurrect them. Just for a physical need. I am starting to feel this isn’t a good idea.

I ran it by BigSexy. He thinks I am hilarious. I really want a relationship. It is hard to admit. Casual sex is not going to replace anything in my world. I still have a hunger for physical contact. How do I make it go away. It would be a useful asset in a relationship. Presently it is a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I know what I want to do. I don’t think it is wise to do!! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do!!