Gaining to much Weight!!

I just left my OBGYN appointment. I have gained 12 pounds in these four months. Not good at all. I wanted to tell her my weight issues have been going on since childhood. 12 pound isn’t shit to what I can pack on. I feel so bad. I know I been making a lot of bad food choices. It was so easy to do. I restricted myself for years and went hog-wild. She told me what to eat, which was so amusing to me.  Not her telling me a diet. The diet was so close to when I was a size 8-10 and not my size 16. I need to stop the crap and get on board.

I asked my aunt who is presently lost 100+ pounds, what jump started her weight loss. My aunt and I have always fought the battle of weight. She is the one got me in my first 12 step program for food. Which I agreed to because she wouldn’t give me anymore money for weight watchers.

She said her son was waiting for a call that she died. I thought oh damn that is deep. She was crying when she told me this. I said I am sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry. She got herself together and started making a change in her life. She said you feel so much better when you eat right. She is right you really do. I remember those feelings. I don’t have them at this moment, but I do remember them.  I called my old roommate to come over. I am donating all my bad food to their house. I just can’t bring myself to throw food in the trash!! That is my grandmother in me about wasting food. My grandmother was also very overweight.

I need to do better for me and my child. I want to be the good me. Not the fat miserable me. So I need to make this change not just for the pregnancy but for my life.


Holiday Blues

I been in Ga for 13 years. I never go home for the holidays for several reason. A little more than half of those years I spent Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. This year the plans fell through. I was more disappointed than usual. I usually don’t care if I do anything on the holidays. I am not the holiday type person. Every since my grandmother died when I was 18, I haven’t care much about it. I asked my friend is it because I am pregnant. She said yes it is because you are pregnant. I missed my mom and my family and wished I was going to my god mothers with my mother and aunt. I will be home next year.

This weekend I spent a lot of time in the bed. This might be TMI so you can skip if you like. I was having some burning in the lower area. I ended up at urgent care. I couldn’t take it and my OBGYN wouldn’t have an appointment until Monday. Come to find out I was dehydrated and my urine was making me burn. When the doctor told me that I looked at him like WTF, I never heard of that crap. Come to find out he was right. I took some cranberry pills and drank  a lot of water and it went away. Thank you Jesus, because that crap was no joke. Then I had this crazy two-day headache. Also for being dehydrated.

I was having a hard time lugging the water bottles up three flights of stairs. I do drink a lot of water at work. With the extended vacation that wasn’t happening. I went to Walmart and got a Britta water filter pitcher. I am peeing all the time, but up on the water intake. I had a long talk with an old friend. She is so excited for me to come home. I am looking forward to reconnecting and also finding new friends.

I tried on my work pants on Sunday. They still fit no maternity pants yet. Yeppie, I did a dance in the middle of the floor. The gap did have a sale and I got the 64.00 maternity tall pants I been eyeing for half off. I have to say that was a great day. I also had to return some Wal-Mart maternity shirts that were too tight. What I noticed was the material was very cheap. I been wearing sweaters I got from the thrift shop. My co-worker said I don’t look pregnant yet. I am almost four months in a couple of weeks. I am feeling better, but every time I say that out loud I start feeling bad.

Another friend wants to do my babies shower. I told her my other friends would help with the food. She said no it will be her present to me. I was shocked that she would go out of her way like that. It is nice to be liked and loved!!! She put a smile on my face that day. I still want her to share the expense. I am old-school. Have a few friends bring some food and call it a day. She was adamant she didn’t want help with the food. Someone could bring the cake. Another friend volunteered to do that. I told her it doesn’t have to be anything special a sheet cake would be fine. I heard another NO!! I can get you a baby shower cake. All these people extending their kindness. Tells me I need to appreciate the people in my life and realize I have real friends. They are priceless!!!


Making it another day!

I am sick but not as sick. So hard to explain. I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was very disappointed. There isn’t much in the sections and they are expensive. We ended up at the thrift shop in the plus size section. I am going to get some maternity tank tops and figure it out. I also need some additional maternity pants which I think I can find online. I am still comfortable in my regular pants. I am afraid one day I am going to pop and not be prepared. I am not ashamed to where my one pair of pants for several days.

A guy from college got in touch with me via Facebook to meet. He was in town. I felt like he was squeezing me in. He couldn’t tell me ahead of time he was coming into town. The fact that he doesn’t have my phone number and contacting me through Facebook says a lot. I feel fat, have pimples on my face and tired as hell. It wasn’t going to happen. I have to say I been feeling lonely lately.

My aunt wants to come visit. She has her own agenda. I told her if she thinks I am driving her around town, then that is a hell no. When she is here I usually try my best to do what she wants. My therapist told me I am not responsible to take someone everywhere they want to go when they visit. I told her this and she agreed a few months ago. No she is back saying when do you want me to visit. I have no energy to entertain anyone. I am freaking tired. I lay in the bed all day on the weekends. I have to push myself to do everything. So unless she wants to sit in the house I suggest she does not come and visit me. My aunt doesn’t like hearing the word no. She told me I was mean. She wants to go to this hairdresser her daughter in law had at her wedding. I am not the hair chick. So I don’t get why this is so important. Also not my problem. She can keep asking I am going to tell her the same answer. I am not taking you to some hairdresser 40 minutes away from my house to wait or come back for you. It is freaking hair. I say this as my hair has been looking beyond crazy these days. I am going to have to figure out what the hell I am going to do with it one of these days. As least as possible is what I feel at the moment.

So if I don’t care about my own hair. I damn sure don’t care about hers. Sorry I have no time to worry about anyone else. Me and pumpkin as my mom calls the baby. My main and only concern. If your mad be mad. I have to say I don’t care and I mean I really don’t care.


Vacation needed!!

I have actually cleaned parts of my house. I went to the grocery story. I swear I spend too much money in the grocery store. I know I over shop. I don’t know how to fix that. Well I decided I am making veggie soup. It will be low cal and help with my hot liquid fetish. I love hot liquids, like coffee, tea, hot cereal. It will be my first attempt at making soup. I also bought other things I have never cooked before and going to give it a try. Zucchini spaghetti and egg-plant. I am working on the healthy overhaul to my life. I begin tomorrow.  I will have time to prepare these things and start over with my couch to 5k.

The out-of-town trip messed me up big time. I am so tired. I create a project and just can’t let it go. I am making a video for my cousin wedding. From pictures and some video I took at the wedding. The video parts look crappy. I used my phone and small flip video camera. Which doesn’t take crisp video in the dark. They will appreciate it, and I can’t wait to see what they say when they see it.

I have a welcome party and a wedding to go to today and tomorrow. I am so tired I feel like I could sleep for days. No chance on that until Sunday maybe. I am going home, getting as pretty as possible. Granted I don’t like my shoes. I bought two new dresses for the occasion. Both under 20 bucks. Actually one was on clearance and I saw a little stain and she gave me another 20% off. Which totally works for me. No one is going to notice that little stain. Now the shoes is a whole another issues. I have big ass feet. A size 10 when I am skinny and a size 11 when I am not. So we are not in the not stage. I noticed the new fashion thing these days are the shoes. I have pretty much basic color shoes. I use to also make the mistake and buy cheap shoes allot. So I decided no more. I gave away most of my crappy cheap shoes and I have a bunch of black shoes.

I have never been a fashionista a day in my life. I did make the effort to look for some fancy shoes. NO LUCK AT ALL. Oh well it isn’t my wedding. Black shoes it is. I did make an effort which is so unlike me. My eyebrows need to be done. I might swing over to the mall after work to get them cleaned up. I am not trying to look like a wilder beast. I might check out a few more shoe places in the mall. I am a friend to the groom. He is my cousin friend and sold my house. I know he is going to have some cute single guys there. So I need to put my best foot forward. I could flirt at my cousin’s wedding but that was it. The rule of naught dating his friends, I do understand. Still sucks in my mind. I guess he is spearing me but still.

I miss dancing with my  Xbox. There are not enough hours in the day. After I finish this wedding video project. Which looks like it could be up to 30-40 min long. After seeing how the video turned out. When some money comes in my life. Not like I can’t put it on a credit card. I don’t want to do that. When some disposable money comes in my life. I am going to work on getting a better video camera and video editing software. Another gift to me. With paying things off aggressively buying those kinds of things don’t seem on the agenda.

I still have some lottery tickets to scratch. You never know. I could be telling you a whole different story next week!! Praying for a financial windfall.

Couch to 5k (Pray for me)!!!!!

51MOMrOIMDL._SY346_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_So while working on getting pregnant, I am getting my fat ass in gear. I started reading this book my mother sent me, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person by  Judith S. Beck. I was pissed she sent me this book. Always judging me about my weight. Why does she think I have so many body image issues. I don’t blame her anymore, but I do think she F me up in that department.

Never the less I started reading the book six months after she sent it. I was a Christmas present.

So one of the first things to do was take some index cards and write the Advantages of losing weight. You are supposed to copy this card several times and place them where you will need them. I put it in my car. The vehicle that takes me to all these bad places to eat. My office computer, where the thoughts of food begin. Also the cream in my coffee foolishness. Next to my bed, to read morning and night. I have to say it has worked. Better than I expected. I have not had cream in my coffee in three days. I know cream, your thinking  what the hell is she talking about. I think I like cream more than I like coffee. So the empty calories of cream which I did calculate one day is crazy. I do actual like the taste of coffee. So no cream has not sent me over the edge. I do miss the cream, but the craving is going away slowly.

One of the other things she suggests or part of her solution is give your self positive praise. Example: I got coffee no cream good job. I past that buffet place I like so much doing great. It is kind of crazy to talk to myself in that manner, but hey what do I have to lose but 50 pounds. Sounds worth it to me.

50 pounds sounds like a lot to different people. Losing that weight is where I will be content. Regardless of what other think. I am actually sick of people telling me what my goal should be. For example: All you need to do is lose weight in your stomach. How the hell do I pick where I lose weight without paying a plastic surgeon.

So I started the couch to 5k. I downloaded the RunDouble App.Slide1

I used it yesterday and can I say my ass was kicked. Yes I tried and made it through the whole work out. Not gracefully at all, but made it. I am headed to the gym today to make a spectacle of myself for another day. I am proud of the accomplishment. I also came home and did a short Zumba class with my Zumba Rush game for my Xbox 360 Kinect.

I did chart my calories on So I am getting in there. I am a great starter. I am trying to work on being a person that does not start something and don’t finish. So if it takes awhile to get pregnant. Which I have accepted. I am going to work on the problem glaring in my face. This extra weight.

I am headed to New Jersey for a wedding this weekend. I am packing my workout clothes. I am sure the hotel has a treadmill. I will be continuing my workout and try to achieve a goal to the end.


Baby Project #49

Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!

I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.

I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.

I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow.  I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.

I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online,  Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.

I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???


Freaking out!!

I have been taking these home pregnancy test. I took another first response and got a negative.  My fears have come true. This is what I have been scared of!! I have six positive test. Three negatives and I feel like my period might be coming. I am so sad. I need a confirmation one way or another. I haven’t seen my period yet but my sad face is on today.

I am going to wait and see if my period will show up soon. I swear all this positive and negative sucks big time!!!


Baby Project #42

Yes my crazy ass is still taking pregnancy test. This time I got the equate version of first response. I got a negative. I was horrified. The only thing keeping me is sane is I should have started my period two days ago. No Aunt flo in sight. I bought a new bra and my boobs thanked me so much today. Gaining weight sucks in a big way. No I am not talking about pregnancy weight. That is only going on three weeks.

Just the random eating to damn much and not exercising kind of weight.  I have to find a dress for a wedding. I hate shopping. I hate shopping even more when I am not happy with my weight. I need to find this dress soon. I have about a month and a half.

I am also ridiculously tired. I have been drinking decaf coffee. One cup of regular coffee a day. My body is hating me for it. I know caffeine is a drug. It is a drug I miss big time. I have no real complaints today. I am just praying and keeping hope alive that everything works out with this pregnancy!!!

Baby Project #33

Donor picked FINALLY!!!.  I am glad I have a few people in my corner to discuss these things.

My cousin was very blunt about not using the donor who wants to be a father. It is easy to say what you will do when the child is not here yet. He could totally flip the script once everything is sad and done. Then I am stuck in a drama situation. That is not the move for me.

I don’t even have to keep in touch with the other guy after I am pregnant.  He is just helping me out and that is it.

I am sure my mind can change as much as it needs to. Right now I have the donor picked. I am optimistic. More optimistic than doing my IUI‘s. I know this could possibly not work. I feel it has a great chance of working.  Even more than the 10% chance the doctor gave me  with frozen sperm.

The first attempt will be this month. I am working on getting the clomid. Who knows I am taking the soy isoflavone this month.

Thank you to all lesbian on YouTube. When I looked up insemination it was a lot of lesbian couples on YouTube discussing it. Many did insemination with a known donor.  I appreciate anyone who has walked in my shoes before. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.


Baby Project #27

OB/GYN appointment has been made. Now I am waiting for my positive results to actually confirm the appointment.

I decided to find a OB by my job. I will change the appointment when I am several weeks in. My Gyno now said my pregnancy will be high risk from the start. The moment she lets me go she wants me to have an OB ready for me to see. I love that her plans are so optimistic.   I am looking forward towards the weekend. I was off two days this week for my insemination  I didn’t get to sleep late which sucks!!

I was working on my vision board last night. Almost all the things have been printed and cut out. Now it is time to glue and post to my poster board. I want to brain storm again and see if I am missing anything.

I realize that I have less things I need to put on my vision board than before. Less things on the board shows progress to me. I have several books I need to read. I am going to work on that!!! I decided to take a writing class also. It is an online class. I need to start working on my dreams. I actually have more dreams than motherhood. I have to get started!!

I bought another SMC choice friend a baby showers present. It was the best baby shower gifts I ever bought. Not because of the amount or the actual gifts. It was a gift to a person like me. Someone who is where I want to go. I was going to buy one thing but ended up buying two things. They were not on her registry. I know some folks have issues with that, but I think she will love them. I try to buy gifts I feel people will use. I hope she likes it 🙂

Brica Baby In-Sight Auto Mirror, Magical Firefly and the Munchkin Nursery Projector & Sound System