Baby Project #10

I am officially on fertility drugs as of last night. No side effects yet, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way. I am in a great mood today. I want to stay on this happy cloud.

I was talking to Doctor dude last night. I called him this weekend. He didn’t get back to me which is unusual. He said he left his phone in a hospital and got it yesterday. I got a random text from him in the middle of the day yesterday explaining himself. I never get text from him in the middle of the day. So he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me. How cute!!! I felt a little flattered that he gave a shit.

I told him if I don’t get pregnant (which I know I will). I am moving to PA getting on his insurance and getting IVF. We both laughed. Hey you never know life is stranger than fiction.

The one thing about Doctor dude I really like is we talk. We have talked for five years with maybe three sexual conversation in those five years. Now to be honest the five years was on and off. The fact that he doesn’t treat our conversation like he is paying by the minute I love that!!

I listen to all his medical situation which I find gross and tell him to stop half way through the descriptions. Our relationship has a very interesting dynamic.

No complaints at the moment. I did win 30 bucks on my scratch ticket. I am going to reinvest today.  Mama wants to hit the jackpot!!!


Mystery of Youth

A Video that described Atlanta when I got here:

I have been to most of the clubs in the video

I was invincible with endless possibilities. My youth is over and reality verses possibility is the gift of age. I hated high school I was fat and unpopular. I did have boyfriends from the city I lived. None in the suburbia I was bused to school. Good friends were created, many I still have in my life at present. College was going to be an exciting new phase. The experience turned out to be even worse than high school. Now I am stuck on a college campus and did not have my city to retreat to. My weight spiked with depression and the basic bad college eating habits. I just took eating to deal with my issues to new heights.

My twenties are where I blossomed. Losing 100 pounds was the biggest factor in my change. I looked better than I did in my teenage years. Then I decided to change my world completely. I moved to Atlanta the hot city to be at the time. I wanted to go where no one knew my name. I was no longer the ex fat girl. My total recreation began. I could go and buy clothes out of stores I never even bothered to go into before. Men who would have never looked at me in my fat days were suddenly interested. I parted like I had something to prove. Having late nights at clubs was a regular occurrence. New city no friends I would go alone. I had cousin in town but they all had kids. I did not want to plan my fun behind their baby sitting schedules. I was free from the past of the old me and having fun with the new me. I knew no fear. My friends at home were shocked by my new found self esteem. I was living the life of youth. Dancing, dating casual encounters with very handsome men. There were a few relationships in between. Still I had no worries, no pressure. I really didn’t take much seriously. I still had endless possibilities on my mind. Time passes beyond quickly. 10 years have passed and at the speed of lightning. Now I am 36 and possibilities do not seem endless. They are still there but they don’t seem endless. Partying is no longer attractive. Causal encounters are no longer a part of my life. Dating has decreased dramatically. I no longer waste my time with men with no possible future, no matter how handsome they are. My life has done a 180. Most of my friends are married with kids. At times I wondered if my single condition was a product of my misguided youth.  My youth made me feel there would always be time. Now the time has slipped away. Carefree is how I spent those years. Looking back I enjoyed life. I cannot look back and say I didn’t enjoy my twenties to the fullest. Marriage and kids were an afterthought at that time. I was in no hurry to get married. Until I met one man and wanted to marry him. Clearly that didn’t work out since my status is still single never married on any form I fill out. I was actually asked three different times to get married. Well no rings were bought but marriage was discussed. I was not trying to hear it; I had too much life to live. Marriage would always be a possibilities one day. I would never have imagined I would be single at this age. That never played out in my thoughts. I had no concept of my child bearing window closing in on me. If I had this recollection earlier would I have changed my past actions? Would I have taken a better look at the men who passed through my life? Instead of just thinking one would always be available when I was ready? I cannot rewrite the past all I have is the present and future. I know I am taking things more seriously now.