I grew up fat, so none of this should be a surprise. Being overweight at 8 years old to 24. I lost a hundred pounds in my early twenties. Through a 12 step food program. Yes, treating food like it is alcohol actually worked. Granted I could never remain totally clean. I also would stay at a size 14 the highest for years. At times getting down to a size 8.
When Ava was diagnosed I was on my way back to that 8. The 12 step food program wants a lot from me. They wanted me to go to three meetings a week. Talk to a sponsor every morning and commit to my food plan. Also, talk about my issues. It actually worked for the most part.
After Ava diagnosis, I didn’t have the time to commit to the program. It was easier to do when I was single with no commitments. Right now I am a single mother, with a very helpful grandmother. My mother helps in ways I couldn’t repay. I know Ava is her only grandbaby. I also subsidize my mother’s income which helps her to enjoy her retirement. Ava doesn’t stop, some days she is chill, but most days she is bouncing off the walls. I couldn’t ask my mother to watch her more then she does.
All that to say my weight has ballooned and I regret it, but I needed something to cope. Thank God it wasn’t drugs or alcohol because that wouldn’t have helped the situation. I did try three different anti-depressants. The first one I broke out in hives that didn’t go away for three weeks. The second, my eye felt like it was going to pop out of my head. The third one gave me suicidal thought. I called that doctor and told her I was done. I let her know none of these medications will take my daughters Autism away. I know that sounds like I have something against Autism. I do not, I love my baby. I am worried about how the world will treat or miss treat her because she does not talk. I can’t get past that fear. It keeps me up, it makes me nervous, it puts fear in my heart.
I ask God every day to give my baby a voice.
Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.
I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.
She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.
So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom
I know I have been putting my YOUTUBE video on my blog. I haven’t written much for this blog. I will work on doing better. I have a new mission in life. Spreading the word about the choice for women to be mother’s alone. I am a contributing writer for The Next Family. I also decided to hit up a few major magazines. We will see how it goes. All you can do is try. I have big dreams. Granted they are being molded by life more then planing.
In my court news. My car was in a garage that the ceiling leaked a limestone acid on the passenger side. To the tune of 1,700 worth of damage. Of course I made them aware of this. I got it is free at will parking and there will be no reimbursement. You should see the look on my face even as I am typing this. I am not Boo, Boo.
There was a bit of drama that I can’t go into. Another person tried to get them to pay which I appreciated dearly. Ultimately it was to no avail. I then took my ass up to the court house put 50 bucks down and got a court date. With in three days of going to the court house, they wanted to pay all of a sudden. I am not bitter, I just want my money. You destroyed my property do what is right. They asked me to get another estimate. I said no, really wanted to say hell no. I knew I needed to be a little professional. I told them if you asked me to get more estimate when I first brought it to your attention. It would be no problem. The fact that I had to go to court. All I am doing is cashing a check.
Keep praying for me. I am waiting for something else to work out. I have a feeling everything is going according to plan. God has really had my back in so many different ways.
Ava is not really talking. The doctor says she is fine. I am going to have her check out by early intervention just to make sure. I need to always be my daughter advocate. They might say she is fine. Which will be music to my ears. Or that she needs a little help. I know she understand, that is clear. Her speech is not where I think it should be. I am not a professional but I also don’t want to be one of those parents in denial.
I actual called them before and they didn’t get back to me. I will be calling them everyday next week, until someone calls me back. That is called don’t play with mama!!! Thank you to all who read my blog and keeping up with Ava and I!!!
My baby got the life. She can keep me up all night. Waking up for various reason. Then sleeping in, while I am getting ready for work. To deal with a 10 to 11 hour day including traffic to work. As a zombie and wanting to curl up in the backseat of my car for hours. Knowing someone would be looking for me at work. So I come home to this fully rested (had naps during the day) extra energy child. I had ten cups of coffee. Which a co-worker and I call our smoking break.
You know how the smokers have twenty breaks to suck on the cancer stick. I say that lovingly because I use to be one of them. So we take constant coffee breaks. Sometimes I get tea, or water. This particular day I needed the lethal extra strength coffee. Which ended up giving me a stomach ace and I was eating tums at my desk.
Then I come home and she looks at me like where have you been. Going to bed is not a option. Passing her off to another parent not an option. My mother had her all day and said she is off. Which is her usual comment as I walk in the door. Yeah my mother has moments of helping on my non work hours. Which I thank her for in many ways. They are not consistent. She has her all day, so I can’t complain.
I did put my foot down of the things she will do with her during the day. I am paying her to watch my daughter, I AM THE BOSS. So I have a feeling that my daughter is safe. All this Petafile shit will have you going mad. In watching the news all this craziness happens in daycare. Granted if I didn’t have any other options that is where she would be. She would have more structure then she does now.
I didn’t go to daycare and I turned out alright. With the same woman at home me, interesting enough. When she is almost three I will be looking for preschools. Right now I have so many other things I need to be working on. Such as my debt to income ratio. Yeah looking at my finances, makes me understand why women have sugar daddies. Only kidding, Partially!!!
I am sorry. I really wanted to be consistent with my blog. It hasn’t worked out that way. I have been a little depressed lately. I am in a city I don’t like. All my friends are in another state. I do have friends here, but they are married and doing there own thing most of the time. Her god mother is the only one checking for me.
I want to date, but have no idea how I can fit that in. I am having trouble fitting in sleep. I miss living in my own place. I no I am complaining, There are more pros in my life then cons. My cons are driving me insane.
My new job is stressful. I hate when training is not that great. I love my trainer she is very helpful, but she also has her own work to do. Which the boss doesn’t seem understand and give her more and more to do. I wish I didn’t have to work. I got a eight month break. I would love to go back to school and do something I want to do with the second half of my life.
I need to pay off all this debt I have. I still buy lottery tickets, which I am sure folks think is crazy. I have to have some kind of vice. That is mine.
I been doing horrible with my food. I finally got honest about it. I gained seven pounds. I am still wearing my size 12. Well they are tight. Size 14 are a little big. I don’t have many of them which sucks. I have an abundance in 10/8 which I can’t fit at all. I am working on getting back on track tomorrow.
My child watches to much T.V. I feel really bad about it. I need to entertain her during certain times, to get things done.
I am working on getting my life together. I know I need another vision board to see my dreams come true again. Also see what I am working on doing.
There was this daycare incident here. A male college student was molesting the kids. Can I say I am so blessed my mother watches my baby. Sometimes I feel she would learn more in a daycare. When I hear horrible stuff on the news like that, I am so thankful she isn’t in a day care.
I will be taking my life one day at a time!!
I received a letter in the mail. Stating how much I will get from unemployment. I thought that meant I was approved. No such luck. They only gave me 15 weeks which I didn’t totally understand. I have worked there for six years. I thought I would get more weeks than that. Since I didn’t think I was going to get it at all. I wasn’t going to complain about that. I called them today, when I was in the office applying I gave them the wrong routing number to my checking account. I had my account number and called my aunt for the routing number she had because I didn’t have any checks on me. I didn’t want to wait for money in the mail. Something made me check and it was wrong. The same bank with a bunch of different routing numbers.
I thought I messed up my first check. No such luck. She said they haven’t approved me yet. I am thinking WTF. They will be making a decision on my case on August 1st. Which is Friday. I don’t see a reason it will be denied. I am grateful that I can receive the benefits. My aunt said why rush back to work. First I don’t know how long it will take me to get a job. I would rather not deplete my savings. I am not going to wait until the last-minute to look for a job. I agreed to wait until sometime in September. So they can do the renovations on the house. Then I am ready to get my life started. Making real money so I can do the things I want to do. Also save for a vacation. I haven’t been on a vacation in so long I barely know what the word means. I am going to enjoy my next two months off. But after that it is a mission to find the job for me.
I am presently 236 pounds. I am hoping with exercise and managing my food I can get that close to 200 pounds. I am going through Ava room as fast as I can with all my crap. My mother has been very reasonable about where I want to put things and set them up. Also when I get a job I am going to do things for my mom. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will have a higher quality of living. I am going to buy her all the things she can’t afford on a fixed income.
My first order of business is to be debt free. If I get a decent enough job I can hopefully put 1000 a month on my debt. Which will have me on the road to freedom sooner than later. I am so pissed that my feet got bigger. When I get the unemployment checks coming, I am going to buy a big screen for the living room. A dresser and guilder for Ava room. My father is buying the crib. Also I need a new bed frame. Mine is taking up to much of the room, making it hard to get around it. Once I know money is coming in I will feel less restricted. Things are really going my way. I need to stay positive.
I also have a man interested in me. We met online three years ago, when I thought I was moving home. He thought I was a big fat liar since I didn’t make it until now. He didn’t skip a beat once I admitted I had a baby. Maybe he will be the father of my second. LOL!!! He has two kids himself. Keeping hope alive!!
Well Mr. Ex who might be Mr. Back in my life is out of the country. He will not be back for two weeks. He actually was doing a great job of keeping in contact then in our previous relationship. He had to go out of the country for work. I knew I wouldn’t be talking to him. His cell phone is not international. He was supposed to be emailing. Not sure what has happened with that. I have not received an email. Oh well living life doing my own thing. We will see what happens when he gets back. I am not sweating the small things anymore.
I went to a seminar at the Feminist Woman’s Center in Atlanta. They have a small reproductive program. I even told him that is where I was going. I have been honest with him concerning my plan to be a mother. Regardless of what happens with him and me. Now it would be nice if we work out and he can be my partner in my dream. I have to do what I have to do.
I really liked this place. It is geared to lesbians and single mothers by choice. When I went to Georgia Reproductive I was surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Now at this Woman’s Center I am again surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Granted these are lesbian women that were referring to each other as their partners. I was thinking it seems like everyone has a partner but me. I called my neighbor and said you should have come and faked to be my partner. We both shared a good laugh.
Ok I am single no partner at the moment. I have a possibility of a partner which is very new situation which I am trying to stay positive about.
So my plan B. If Mr. Ex doesn’t turn into a relationship, I am laying down the credit card and getting knocked up. Granted my biggest worry has always been spending money I don’t have. I have to say at this moment I don’t care. I will work it out later. I told my aunt that if Mr. Man doesn’t work out, I will be getting pregnant and moving back home.
She was shocked by my declaration but liked the idea for her selfish reason. I know I am missed by my family. I know coming home regardless of the drama that family brings. I will have a support system to help me with my child. Babies tend to bring new life to families. I know a child of mine would do that for my little family. I really do like the Woman’s clinic reproductive program. First it is half the price of the big reproductive centers in Atlanta. Second they seem to really care and not just in it for a check. The counselor of the program had two children through the program. That gave me the personal touch that I desire. My thoughts are all over the place. I am trying to feel good about the weekend coming to an end and going to work tomorrow. It is not going well but I do appreciate having a job, especially in the economy. That fact of appreciation still does not make me thrilled that the weekend is almost over.
I think my friends and family think I have dropped the single mom by choice idea. This is so far from the truth. I have been trying to find information. I found a single mom by choice group in my city. I went to their holiday party. I received a wealth of information. I was also thrilled to see other women of color there. I bonded with a few of the ladies. They were very nice and gracious in answering my questions.
My biggest problem is fear. Most of my fears are financial. So before I delve into my fears there are many other things I need to take care of first.
1) Parkinson’s disease specialist– With my dopamine deficiency I needed a specialist. The people who take the medication I use have Parkinson’s disease. I started with the list of Neurologist given by my insurance company. They did not list their specialty so after six calls I was annoyed. They see Parkinson’s patients but were not specialist. I was concerned if the state of Georgia had specialist for what I needed. Finally success after many more calls.
After explaining my situation I was told I needed to consult a high risk OBGYN also.
2) High Risk OBGYN- I know the medication I take can have effect on a fetus. I take 25/100 Carbidopa/Levodopa which according to doctor Google Levodopa passes through the placenta and absorb by the fetus. I have many questions.
a) Will my medications give my anticipated baby birth defects?
b) Are there any alternative medications?
c) Will I have to get off the medication completely?
d) Will I be able to work if I proceed forward?
Finally I got an appointment with both on the same day. The search to get some answers begins. Before I make any decisions I need to know what I am getting into.
Single Mom By Choice Blog
This all started with a 39 year old friend that desires to have children. She enlisted me to do the research IUI Artificial insemination. This was a topic I knew absolutely nothing about. I always wanted children. I desire more than one, being that I am an only child. I always wanted a sibling. I had the fairytale in mind. I would have a husband, house, and three children. Well I have the house that is all I have in my fairytale.
My friend who are married are not making marriage look appealing. My fairytale never included conflict and divorce. With this IUI investigation I finally connected the dots that my desire for children does not have to be banished by my single status.
I know plenty of single mothers. Granted they did not choose to be a single parent. The choice was made for them as a reality of life. I told a friend of my thoughts and desire for a child. Her first response was all the financial expenses with a child. I had to agree. Even though I make a decent salary, I still feel I have a hard time supporting myself. Daycare, Diaper and Milk in my monthly budget as it is would not be possible. Also my profession and it time constraints are an issue. I cannot leave a child in daycare for 12 hours a day. Also living so far from family doesn’t help with single motherhood.
My mom would love for me to come home. I mentioned my thoughts of having a baby by myself. I was waiting for her to tell me to be patient and I would be married. I was shocked she was cool with the idea. She wants grandchildren in the worst way. I am the only one who can make that happen for her.
Others issues makes the idea of coming home difficult. The housing market makes it impossible to unload this house I bought eight years ago. The only way to get out from under it would be foreclosure. Not a present worry since I’m still employed. It ties my hands for leaving the south. I could always rent it. That comes with its own set of issues. I have a lot to think about. All these cons do not take away my desire for children. I am 35 and counting. I don’t have many years to come up with a plan.