I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.
Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.
Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.
The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.
It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.
Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.
When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.
We will see if the stars align again!!
Being a single mother by choice really defined my life. Having a special needs child took over my life. When looking at that little face I can’t imagine life without her. The struggle is real.
Since the diagnosis of Autism, everything is a fight. Even my sanity. I never had so many arguments in my life. Fighting for my child and her improvement has become my sole reason for living. Praying for her to progress is my nightly prayer.
Dating is something I want to do, but need to be realistic in that area. I need a man who wants to talk. Not just meet. I am not taking the time to meet everyone. I have to plan and coordinate to get out for a date.
The traffic I fight to and from work is ridiculous. I have no idea how I would do this without my mom. I don’t even want to imagine that possibility.
In my dreams, I would work part-time and drop off and pick up my own kid. Money makes the world work. A nanny would be a dream come true. Someone to attend to my children needs that I can trust when I am not around.
Well, my fantasies are so much better than my realities. #autismmom
We went to speech therapy today. A weekly appointment I am not loving but have to do. This is her only constant until I get her into the Autism Center. The place we go is a Medical Center. It is called Harvard Vanguard. I like the one stop shop. Everything under one roof. We sometimes have to go to different centers depending on availability. So this center isn’t where Ava pediatrician is located. Where there is ample parking. This center is in the middle of Fenway. If you know anything about Boston that is where the Red Sox play Fenway Park. So they have a parking garage.
When you go upstairs you have to get your tickets validated. It is six bucks, which I can’t complain about. Originally you could pay your six bucks at the receptionist desk. They made a change and now you have to pay with a credit card or cash after you get out the elevator on the floor your car is located.
Now Ava is not the sit there and waits for mommy type of kid. So this damn machine has been a challenge every damn time we go to this place. It doesn’t want to take my credit card. The cash spits back out. It is fine when we are there by ourselves. It gets hectic when people are waiting or there are people trying to get on the elevator. My #Autismmom sensors are up like where is my kid.
So I have my purse, Ava diaper bag with all her stuff we need to roll with. Then this bullshit ass machine doesn’t want to take my credit card. Now that all the credit card companies have rolled out the chip on the front of these cards. This is an issue with this stupid machine. I had no cash. I looked for another card. Well while I am doing this, a white guy. Things went so fast I have no other description except he was white. Open the door for my daughter to walk into the parking garage. My heart jumped out of my chest. Why the fuck would you open a door for a three-year-old. This dude wasn’t even going out the door. I have no idea what his motivation was. My focus was my daughter’s safety. She will go for an exit in a minute. She has no concept of danger which scares the hell out of me.
So the machine was spitting out my parking card as I chased down Ava going out the door. Do you think this mother fucker said sorry? Nope didn’t give a shit that I was about to have a breakdown. I got her barely before she rooming in this parking garage with cars flying by. The Latino people behind me got my card out the machine and handed it to me. I was very grateful. Still, fluster my goal was getting my child in her car seat where I felt she would be safe.
I put her in the car seat and now I can’t find the parking ticket they handed to me. I went through my purse her bag everything is now on the floor of my car. I left her in the car seat rolled down the windows and retraced my steps to find it. The ticket was in the middle of the road.
I got back to my car and tears started coming down my face. What the FUCK can I do this? I am a horrible mother. How could I let this shit happen.? What would happen if I had another baby? I was beating myself up. What type of mother and I.
This happened a few days ago. I still feel like shit. God help me. #AutismMOM
I can be in the house all the time with no light and never want to leave. I have always been an introvert. Sometimes my house being a safe haven was much more comfortable to me than going out into the world. I will go to work by groceries and pay my bills. My free time would be in the house entertaining myself with movies, online, etc. I never felt like I was missing anything. I was in my own world of happiness.
Now with a child, I feel guilty about that tendency of mine. If she could talk I would like her to give me insight on what she wants to do. I have no idea if my daughter loves the park to the mall. She actually shows no excitement for either. The only time I saw a real smile was the trampoline place. We have been twice and going again this month.
I knew I would have to get out the house when I had a kid. I was hoping that kid could help me with the process. My daughter isn’t capable of that help. She also doesn’t seem to care if she is the living room all day with her tablet, TV, and toys.
She does like to leave the house. We were at the door about to leave. I forgot something closed the door to get it. She fell to the floor upset that we weren’t leaving. Ava is really a go with the flow type. I had the last visit with the BSBA (supervisor) ABA person. She said she has progressed and does not have the behavior issues. I am really thankful for that. I enjoyed staying in the house this weekend. She woke up at 4 am two nights in a row. My mother lets me have a nap. I slept for three and half hours. I let Ava have a late night which I will pay for when it is really time to go to bed. I needed a break. So I let her sleep. The shit you do to survive mentally. #mommyproblems
Ava does not have a variety of food that she eats. Not to mention I am not cook of the year. It is so frustrating that she will put random things in her mouth. When I offer her something different from her limited menu she acts like I am trying to kill her. She gives me the stank bitch face. If she could talk I feel she would be saying bitch you can’t be serious. I am not eating that.
I push it in her mouth to give it a try. I am not going to feed her something she really doesn’t want. If she never tastes it she won’t know if she likes it.
Now we are at the point if it is something she likes she will feed herself. If it’s something not on her list of likes, I have to feed it to her. So a few days ago, I got her to eat salmon and mash potatoes. I covered the salmon in the potatoes to achieve this success. She had me chasing her around the house with the food. Surprisingly she opened her mouth. Not how I wanted it to go, but shit I will take that.
I decided she will eat the school food. I want to see if they can get her to eat other things. I will send snacks that she likes if she totally refuses. I know most 2 years old are picky eaters. I also know this has a lot to do with autism.
They say there is a lot of adjustment being an autism mom. I can’t say I really have to adjust, being that she is my only child and the diagnoses have been with us for over a year.
I still have high hopes for my baby. No one is telling me she won’t succeed. The general answer is I DON’T KNOW. Which is an answer I hate? Tell me she is going to be perfect. Lie to me!!!
OK, I really don’t want to be lied to. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind a lie or two. 🙂
My child is finally sleeping through the night. The problem is she doesn’t go to sleep until 10-11pm. I have so many things I need to do. I keep putting her ass back in the bed. She laughs her ass off like we are playing the biggest game. I know she likes it when I am home. I really feel she stays up to spend time with me.
Which I love, but in the same breath, I have so many things going at once. I need a few night time hours to get things done.
My book it getting closer and closer to done. I will announce it on this blog if anyone in interested in reading it. It is a sci-fi novel on autism.
I am my own worst critic, I keep reading it over and over again and finding things wrong with it.
I have enlisted my friend to edit it. I am going to read it one more time and send it over for her to edit. Then I am going to get the rest together.
My Youtube channel is growing slowly. I am excited by the growth, but it has not turned into passive income.
I didn’t really start the Youtube channel to make money. I do enjoy making the video. I also noticed I wasn’t really putting in the time or effort to make it successful either.
With the limited time in my life, I can only devote so much. I still haven’t read the books the advocate told me to read for this IEP. I am going to get to it. I really don’t feel like reading the bullshit. I just want Boston Public Schools not to screw me and give my child everything she deserves.
Which I know is going to be hard which is why I hired the advocate in the first place.
Also, my mom lets Ava sleep for two hours a day. So I am sure when she start pre-school and has that 45 min nap she will be tired when she gets home. That will help me so much. At the moment she is a ball of energy when I walk in the door.
Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.
God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.
It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.
I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.
I feel like my mom with the VCR back in the say. I am not a wiz with social media. I actually don’t have time to figure it out. I try my best, and I know I could do so much better with knowledge.
These kids got this shit on lock. They grew up in this age making it all easier. I have a message and I am trying to figure out how to get it out. Not easy and something I actually fell into. This blog started from a asshole ex. Granted his NEW title is asshole, it wasn’t when he made the suggestion. Well he knows writing is my thing. Which I have never been consistency at in my life. Because I lack discipline in all matters of my life.
He started this blog for me. Granted I wish he picked Google because I could get some absence. I have no idea how to move it over. Also I have so much going on don’t feel like even going there. If I had time I would create my own website.
I think god is going to bless me with all I ask. I am going to keep asking until that happens. What could it hurt.
I am feeling my life is in disarray. My room has crap all over the place. Partly because I have a two year old who likes to touch everything. She drags my shit all through this little ass room. Then I have a cat who loves me and I hate. Hate might be a strong word. Strongly don’t like. In my old age, I realize I am not an animal person.
I need to clean this sometime today. I also have a bunch of scratch tickets on my desk I haven’t scratched. I know it is crazy. My possible millions that are scattered all over a desk. I keep collecting and not scratching.
I decided even if I win, I wouldn’t leave my mom’s house until she is three. I would totally get on trying for baby number two. I know I stay in my fantasy world on occasion. Some folks think I am crazy. I think why the hell not. My fantasy life is so grand and prolific. I will never give it up. It keeps my mind business at work. Even thought I love my job it is boring as hell. I think hell would be more entertaining. So I have to explain, I love my job, I don’t like what I do.
I like my job because there is not stress or drama. I am a union employee (first time in my life) They can’t make me stay late. (LOVE THAT). My boss is so sweet and nice. I am appreciates and they think I am great and do well with my job.
The fact that my profession is not exciting or gives me happiness to do the rest my life. Pales in comparison to the other things I mentioned. I need to pay bills. Most people are not giggling happy to go to work.
When I did this job in corporate it came with deadlines and crazy bosses. I had a few good ones but a bunch of crazies. That want you to sleep at the job to get bullshit done. I have a great work ethic, but not in love with what I do.
All this to say my day dream game is on point. I can go into a whole different world while doing my work. It keeps me motivated try it, you will never go back.
Hey the positive people dream it , it will come. I am going to clean this hot mess of a room. Wish me luck!!!
I finally got my tired ass out of the bed. I work up and got us both dressed and went to blocks at the Library. Saturday is the day my mom will watch her for a few hours and I can get a nap. A nap I have come to worship. What the hell am I going to do if I have a second baby. I am going to have and wait and see on that. More and more coffee I guess. Ava is doing so much better with the stairs. Other then getting distracted half way up and wanting to do something else. I notices she has more of an issue with our stairs because they are steep and narrow. She did great going up the library stairs. I was so tired I had her shoes on the wrong feet. I know, I know my ass is always so sleepy. I just drank some coffee to start working on my projects and it is 10:30pm. I know I am going to suffer tomorrow, but I will feel like I accomplished something.
So I correct her shoes before I go in there embarrassed. The place is empty. WTF, I woke up and didn’t get my nap and there is one kid here. I asked the librarian how many kids usually show up. She says 25-30 usually but it is a nice day so they probably all went to the park. She had a nasty tone while she was explaining this. So we played with the blocks for about an hour. She had a blowout diaper which I had to handle in the bathroom. When you have a toddler she makes nothing easy. Got her cleaned up and it was time to go home. She can make a mess at home with no kids.
The whole point was to get her around children. Clearly this is not the happening place. They had a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t into the toys. I wanted her to have more social interaction. Since we were out early we hit up the grocery store and came home. The man came over and we hung out. Ava woke up with gas pains and he handled it. Which she cried until she farted and burped then she was good to go. I fell asleep on his lap while I got a back rub.It is the little things that matters to me. That back rub was like he brought me over a dozen roses. Ava was jealous and wanted me to rub her shoulders. Then she wanted to lay on me. I think she was feeling left out. She wanted him to know she is number one. Which she is, but mama needs some attention sometimes.