The plan!

The man and I have a plan to live together. The sooner the better in my mind. With all the bitching I do about my mom. I could be going into the gates of hell living with The Man. We argue and pretty much don’t agree on much. Which I know sounds crazy. Also living with someone can be the demise of a relationship.

As long as I can get him on my program. I think we will be fine. My mother literally cleans everyday. That is because she is home with Ava everyday. Growing up that is not how this house was run at all. There was five of us here. We were all coming and going all week. We would clean on Saturday’s. Everyone had a job to do. My lazy butt in my adulthood translated that Saturday’s to Sunday’s. I clean and do all the laundry to be ready for the next week.

It worked for me. I like going into the week with a clean house. There is no time to do that everyday. Also growing my up my Nana had a rule, no one is allowed to visit unless the house is clean. I totally agree, and carried that rule to my adulthood. Now with not cleaning all week. If someone was coming over on a Wed for what ever reason. I can get my house looking decent in 30 minutes. To get a perspective of how bad I let the house get.

The issues with The Man, I will be doing a lot. He works for himself and is always on his hustle. If I can get this fatigue crap out of my life I know I can handle it. This plan also includes the second baby. With Ava issues I now am totally on board to giving birth again. I have a friend going through the same thing with her child. She had two kids. Her husband stated that they should have more kids just in case there daughter needs a lot of help as an adult. I am praying that, is not the case for my daughter. I would be lying if I wasn’t  a big factor of me having a second baby. We are in the beginning stages of what she is going through and hopefully we can reverse it.  I know I am being cryptic, I am not ready to put it out there.  I might never explain or maybe I will change my mind. I am keeping it close to the vest with only a few close friends and family know the whole situation. I need to make lemonade our or my lemons.

Quality time!!

The man and I had a little while to ourselves. My daughter loves her show on the sprout network. So while she was entertained. We spent two shows together. I know that is a damn shame. Such is my life. I love my mom. I will start with that statement. To put things into perspective. She drives me completely crazy. I have had several roommate situation. Everyone things I am great. My mother wants to make me 12 again, and bitch about nonsense. She is the one who has always had drama in living situation. I am starting to realize the factor in her drama is her.

She gets in these moods and then she wants to be mad at everything. So today I was supposed to get my nails done. I usually do them myself. Ava is not the kids to wait patiently anywhere.  My mother watches her all the time. I asked her and it seems to fall through every time. I don’t mind doing my own nails. The feet and hands needs some professional attention. Then I can go back to doing it myself.

So I complained to the man, and he said he would go with me and Ava. He would watch her in the shop. If she gets out of hand he would take her to the car. Sounded great. Even thought he can be hard to catch up with. My mom took that as a slight and said why you going to do that. I will watch her. Why, Why did I fall for that shit. I was supposed to get my nails done last week. I said well lets wait until Sunday it is raining. I should have jumped at the chance.

She came home with an attitude. I didn’t wash the dishes ( Long story which is it own type of crazy) There was four dishes in the sink and sweet Jesus I wish I washed them now. She got her attitude. Which I know has nothing to do with the damn dishes. She is just in a bad mood. I am hear, I have to listen to the crazy.

Sunday comes she lets me take a nap. Great I am thinking her mood is over. After I wake up feed Ava and think OK going to get my nails done. Feeling like a felon about to be out on release. She starts yelling. My mother doesn’t talk when she mad. Everything is yelling. I tend to do it also. I apologize to the man when necessary. I feed Ava put her to sleep, which was supposed to be the nail time. Moms took a shower, got dressed and left.

I wasn’t in shock more expected. She might come back and say I can go. She might not speak to me all day. Who knows how this is going to play out. When I didn’t have a child in the mix that I need her help with. This wouldn’t be a problem at all. Her moods would be just that when I lived here. Now having a child in situation and I need her help I am stuck. I hate when someone has the upper hand on me. It drives me crazy. One of the reason I left and moved so far away. I know this isn’t the biggest problem in the world. My hands and feet will be alright until I get them done. It is just a pain in the ass.

Over 600 subscibers!!

I have over 600 subscribers on YOUTUBE. It isn’t the 100K I wish I had. To make it a source of income. It is a big difference from the 200 I had earlier this year. I have been working at it. Some work a lot have not. It is hard to find an audience. Sometimes I wish my personality with my friends would shine through to the camera.

I also have cheesy video editing. Which I actual like it cheesy. I like the appeal. I am an odd duck. I like odd things. Or at least people have always made me feel odd. When I tried to be like everyone else it never fit for me.

Any tips to grow my audience please leave in the comments. I am going to try and research more on the topic. As I always say time is at a premium and I just don’t have it.

I have many balls in the air. I don’t want any of them to drop. It seems like there is always another ball added. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I hear the words but my load is heavy as hell.

I want to start a new blog!!

As a friend said I always have a project. I want to start a new blog. Focusing on true stories of my life. Change the names for the privacy. Also with no pictures of myself or any way to track me.

I need to do the research of how to make money with it. Which is the best platform. All this takes time I don’t have. As you can see I can barely keep up with this blog. Or my YouTube channel. Granted I have been posting a video once a week for several months. I think I am good through May. I am going to keep working on my dreams. I need to have outside interest to keep myself authentic. I can’t get lost in work and Ava and worries. I need an outlet that is just me.

That is why I wish I had a husband, or babies daddy. Or someone that can give me a real break. Not a babysitter, but someone else who has an interest in my daughter well being. I can wish life was that way. Clearly it is not.

I had a website before which I let fall apart. Due to the time it took to figure out how to maintain it. Also I am a good starter. I have so many started projects. I would be further along if I was a finisher.

I am waiting for The man to show up. I think it is not happening tonight. When it gets to late and he works all day he is going to bed. When I talked to him last he was on a job and said he will call me back. That was at 6:45. So we will see. If he isn’t here by 10pm then I am headed to bed. Or working on my many projects I need to finish. I only have time when Ava is asleep. Which I am dead tired also. I want to be successful I need to work at it.

 

 

 

Things keep moving!!!

Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.

Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!

My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.

I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.

The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.

I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.

My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.

My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.

TGIF!!

I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.

Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.

I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.

I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.

I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.

Santa is gone!!

Christmas is over and I have work bright and early tomorrow. I didn’t scratch all my lottery tickets. Maybe I will get through it tonight. Or maybe I will save them for New Years. Dave and I are on the outs. We might get over it, might not. When people say relationships are hard, I totally understand. I swear my life changes on a dime.

I know I am quick to pull the trigger and kick someone to the curb. Not one of best traits. I will work on it in 2016. I did not tell a bunch of people what happened with Dave and I. I learned from my mistakes. If you let to many people in, it opens it up for opinion. I use to welcome those opinions back in the day. Now not so much. What I decided to do where he is concerned I will work out myself. If it ends in a big ass hear break, I will call my road dogs for comfort.

I am still considering having another baby. I will make the decision by the summer. Ava is doing well. She is a happy baby, who makes me laugh all the time. Her lack of speech does bother me. Only because I don’t want my baby to have any issues. Then I watch the St. Jude commercials with children with cancer, and I thank god my baby is healthy.

She wasn’t really into Christmas. Spent more time playing with the boxes, and the cheapest toy. Didn’t like the dolls. The talking Elmo got about ten minutes of attention. We will see what happens next year.

I really like my job so far. I had to leave early last Thursday to take Ava to a followup Doctor’s appointment. No more ear infection thank god. We had to do two rounds of antibiotics. I have noticed my baby is a brat, and cries anytime she doesn’t get her way. Which I ignore, and Nana does not. LOL she knows she gets away with murder. That face is hard to see cry. I do it!!!

She Ate my Cooking!!!

20151220_175912Okay, I have been horrible about not really cooking for my child. She has advanced to the Gerber meals. Which look like little TV dinners. She seemed meat adverse. All meat she would spit out. They are only four options for those meals. For a min she would only eat the Marconi and cheese. Over night that has changed. I was eating eggs and she was all over my plate. I gave her some and she ate it. I was shocked. The last time I gave her eggs she spit it out. So this morning, I made her eggs and she ate most of it.

Tonight I cooked salmon, mash potatoes and broccoli. She ate most of it. Thank you Jesus, I really didn’t want a crazy picky eater. We had a good day today. I is 7:15 and she is sleep. No nap today, she wouldn’t take one. So she went to bed nice and early. I barely know what to do with myself.

I hear Star Wars was great. I can’t wait to go see. Dave is supposed to take me after the New Year. Which is a time we both agreed on. These next couple of weeks will be a little hectic.

I haven’t bought my father a present for Christmas. I am going to do something big for his birthday. Which we actually share the birthday. His house was broken into and his laptop was stolen. I am going to replace it for him.

Oh how I wish I was rich so I could take care of my family. First order of business buy my father a nice condo in a great area. Well I have my scratch tickets to scratch on Christmas. A gift to myself. Hey I play and keep hope alive. You never know what could happen and what is possible.

I am shocked I am a mother. I didn’t know if that would be possible. On a side note I can’t find my ovulation again. I am going to keep on looking for it. I am going to keep working on life, I really feel like I have to do more to get more.

Working on life!!

I bought a journal with laws of attraction motivation statements. Hoping it will help me with my attitude. I feel very defeated and depressed. I know this is a illness that just comes on and off in my life. My baby and I had a pajama day today. It was very cold outside. We stayed in our jammies. I watched her play and danced with her. I also discovered she like eggs now and pancakes. Yes I ate those things today. She shared and I realized we can expand her food choices.

A reader has me thinking about a low carb diet. I haven’t looked into as much as I need to. I am so tired and did nothing today. I have several things to work on before I go to bed. Namely these video’s and my online presence. I am trying to make side money with YouTube. Which is not the easiest thing to do. They say make video’s that you are interested in. Which is what I do. I have made some money, not a lot to jump and down about. The truth is I do like helping people The people who have reached out to me is amazing.

I know when I was on the journey, I wanted to talk to someone who had did it all. Help me to avoid many mistakes. It is almost 2016, and I am praying for good things in this upcoming year. I like my new job so far. Not stressed, get to leave on time. The commute sucks, and money could be better. All in all I am very happy. I heard the job I left is a complete mess. I am so glad I am out of there. Now I have some decent health insurance.

My life in Boston is so different from my life in Georgia. I was single doing what every I wanted to do. Now I have to come straight home. I have to take care of someone else besides myself. I am very worried I am not doing the best job I can.

The speech therapist commended me for being proactive. I felt like I should have been doing more. Then I talked to my cousin and she confirmed being a working mother is no joke. Reading a book can be a lot when you got up at 5:30 am. Go to work, get home and have a list of things to do before bed.

I have a love life. Which is so strange. I haven’t had one of those in a real long time. We see each other once or twice a week. I haven’t been to his house yet. He said he will invite me over after the new year. I am not as suspicious as I use to be when I was younger. If it works out it does. If it doesn’t’ it doesn’t. I am really not pressed. Just enjoying the ride as we go along. I wish I had this thought process years ago. Would have spared a bunch of heart ache.

Therpy Appt!!

This is the first speech therapy appointment and it went very well. I left the room and let her do her thing. I could hear everything, and it was very interesting. God is good and I need to have faith. Stay prayed up.

So she put things in perspective. She does have delays and she doesn’t want to minimize that. Granted they have no clue if she could catch up. Which could happen, you know I am praying it will. I will deal with it if it doesn’t.
I really like her therapist. We have a hearing test and a developmental intake coming up in the January. I am blessed that I have a half a day on Friday. To do all these appointments and be there for my daughter in all things that she needs.

Having more kids seems like a lot at this point. I know I hated being an only child. Granted I have a cousin who is my brother even though we don’t have the same parents. I want my child to have someone connected to her. Granted I don’t know if I have the strength, energy and time for another child. I am going to THUG it out if it happens.

New man in my life has made me feel like I’ve been missing a lot not being in a relationship-. Granted I dated a lot of men who didn’t have there shit together. This guy has his life together, and doesn’t need me for anything. Which is a good place for me to be.

I feel like I am falling in love with this man. I am not telling him about it. That is going to take sometime before he will hear those words. Which is so strange, I will tell strangers online and not the man I might be falling in love with. You guys know how it is. Not ready to put even those intentions out there. I like that he is very interested in what my daughter needs. Granted he doesn’t really play a hand in it. It is nice to have someone to talk to and shoulder to cry on. He did say he would go with me to her tests. It feels good to have someone to depend on, more then anything. Which is something I taught myself not to get use too in the past.