Wanted by the wrong guy

I was so excited to run into a guy I went to high school with. He was still handsome. Still a little corny but I find that attractive these days. No high school influence or peer pressure. The chance meeting made me feel like I found a winning lottery ticket.

I didn’t even consider that my life doesn’t work out in such a positive manner. I was starry-eyed and dreaming of the future. Well eventually after a few dates he was honest with me. He has a depression issue. I don’t want to go through the details, that is his business. I know it is extensive and I can’t add that to my plate.

My hope of a possible relationship was dashed. He tried to convince me that it wouldn’t be an issue. I wasn’t going for it. I am not desperate or in need of any more bullshit in my life.

Dating is not looking optimistic these days. I don’t have a babysitter. My mom watches Ava a lot, and she can be a handful after a few hours. If I didn’t live at home, I feel she would watch her more. Ava is always in her orbit, so there is no time she really misses her. My father would babysit, but he doesn’t live close. He has offered for her to spend the night, but with all her medications that might not be a good idea.

Another autism mom said she had a guy she wanted to introduce me to. She has mentioned it twice. I am not going to push. If she is going to do it, I am not opposed to it. My life consists of my job and my baby. I do miss my ex. Which I really shouldn’t since he strung me along for years.

I always felt that guy was my soulmate. I think I always have had a level of insecurities. When I was with him, I felt like a million bucks. I had a comfort level I never had with anyone else. Will I ever get that again??? I can only hope!

Baby when stars align!!

I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.

Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.

Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.

The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.

It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.

Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.

When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.

We will see if the stars align again!!

Angels in my life

I have people in my life who are angels. They might not realize it. I should spend more time telling them. I have a friend who reads my blog religiously and sends me a text about my updates. My friends who haven’t forgotten about me when I left Atlanta. A lot of folks forgot about me when I first left Boston and moved to Atlanta. Ava god mother who I met in 1997 at my first job out of college.

She is one of the few who stay in contact and visited and her friendship never wavered even after I left my place of birth. She still is inviting and enjoy my friendship as I do hers. My friend that came to visit me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We enjoyed Boston in a way I never have before.

The woman I met in an Autism Group who took it upon herself to guide me in the struggles of being a #autism mom. My friend and I (my other autism mom buddy) bought this woman a gift. I tried to compliment her in several ways. She is so humble she never really accepts my compliment. She is the reason Ava is at the autism center. She guided my friend and I with so many resources. How do you THANK a person like that? How do I show God god blessed me by bringing her in my life at the right time?  I bought her a plaque. I cropped out her name on the top.

autism mom

We are also going to give her 100 Visa gift card. She deserves ten times more. My mother and my aunt. They drive me crazy, but their love for me has never wavered. Their love for Ava is strong. They are my number one angels!! They are my up front village. That makes my journey in motherhood not so lonely.

Hard day!!!

I was hit with a blow. My insurance doesn’t want to pay for the ABA center. In this place call the Untied States with it bullshit for profit insurance companies. Thank god for the woman who works at this place. She told me another family with my same insurance company didn’t want to fight it. WTF, I told her I pay a lot of damn money for my insurance fight those bastards. There is a mandate in Massachusetts to pay for autism therapies. They are saying they will pay for home, not center.

She played the single mother card. Told them I am at work paying for their insurance how the hell can I be home for her therapy. I thought to go girl!!, God is putting these Angels in my life to bless my baby with the things she needs. She got them to concede and they allowed the payment for the initial evaluation.

The insurance company called me and try to talk me out of the center by saying it will be 30 bucks a day. The lady at the center said don’t listen to that bullshit. They don’t have an in-network option so it will not be 30 bucks a day. They are riding the line of legality. The autism center said they have no problem sending a letter from legal.

Also with a mother love I called and harrassed for my secondary insurance for Ava disability to be approved by the state. I should have done it a lot earlier. God on my side it all came through they same day of the bad news of my insurance company being a bunch of assholes.

So even if it was 30 bucks a day. It should be covered by my secondary insurance. The secondary insurance will also pay for transportation for Ava to the center every day. They gave me a premium for this insurance. Which was not outrageous. I would have squeezed it out of my budget even if I had to charge it.

I was approved for premium assistance and it was covered. I told the woman at premium assistance she was my angel. They had a 90-day backlog. This woman did mine in one day. Yes, one damn day. God was so on my side. So no money out of my pocket and my baby get what she needs. We still have a few hurdles before she actually starts. Every hurdle can stop her going to Autism center in its tracks. So far we are still on the road to success. Please pray for my baby. I have been asking for prayers from everyone. I don’t care who you worship or pray to. Send one up for my baby.

Graduating EI

The end of the Early intervention. All her therapist came to my house when I was at work of course. I bought a cake for everyone. Which said Ava graduation. No one took a picture for me. When I talked to my mom they already ate it.

When I called them I thought they would have my baby talking in no time. Little did I know when I called them I would be going down the rabbit hole of diagnosis, therapist, Autism, ABA, advocacy, and stress. My life has taken a turned I can’t say I was prepared for. I gained 50 pounds eating out of stress and worry for my baby future.

Even though she has made massive improvements. She still has not spoken a word. Which is the reason I called them in the first place?  Advocacy for my child is my number one priority. EI told me they have parents that tell them not to come back when they suggest they get a diagnosis of autism. I pray for those babies that someone will help them.

I took her diagnosis very personal. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What did I not pay attention to? Ill prepared for any of this. I had many nights crying in my pillow. Until I met other autism parents, I realized I am not a freak. A lot of these mothers are crying and eating the pain away.  With the crying and eating they still get up and take care of their kids and advocate for their success. The tears of the mother are the prayers to god to spare their baby from any struggles or pain.  Life is not paved in gold for anyone. We all have problems and things we have to deal with. I wouldn’t advise anyone to gain 50 pounds. If those 50 pounds keeps from a complete breakdown then eat dammit. I am sorry food got me through. I am working on getting it off now. But I am glad I ate than drank.  Thank god for that!!!

God and Bad!!

I love my daughter in ways I could not imagine. Motherhood on the solo is also harder then I IMAGINED.

She started having night terrors and waking up in the middle of the night and staying up. I am trying to figure out the cause. What I been lacking is sleep and trying to deal with it. It is almost worst then when she was a newborn. I was off work then and could nap with her. Now I have to head to work and she goes to sleep from being up all night. I find myself turning on the TV and putting a pillow over my head. I don’t feel like the best mom when I do that.

I woke up this morning with my head pounding like I had a hang over. I don’t drink, so that feeling is crazy. My mother let me sleep for an hour and a half. Thank god for my mother. She drives me crazy, but I thank god for her all the time.

I have been dating. Shockingly, I would consider myself in a semi-relationship. I will say semi due to the lack of any declaration. I have mentioned him before. The guy working on my house has stepped up to the plate.

He took Ava and I to lunch yesterday. So we drove my car. It was easier then moving the car seat. He was so attentive to Ava. I was like wow this is how this feels. I don’t have to do everything. He has been around since Ava was two months old.

He has been working for my family for about 12 years. I feel comfortable with him. We didn’t start off well. Hopefully it will continue to stay positive. He is my first choice for the second baby. He is a great father to his kids. They are grown pretty much. I wanted a second baby.

You would think I brought this up. No shockingly enough it wasn’t me. He asked me about having more children when Ava was about 5 months old. We moved here when she was 2 months old.

It is nice to be wanted. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I am keeping hope alive. I need to buy some ovulation kits to be ready for testing next months.

I started my new job. My boss at that job quit. She has been there a long time. She is going to a great opportunity. I am stressed because it has been crash course training. I feel like my life always has to have some drama in it. Or is that everyone’s life????

I been working on my YouTube channel. Trying to get subscribers and viewers, to make it visual income. My first position for YouTube is to help people. I was watching one of the video’s about growing your channel. He said do something you are passionate you are about. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest with no regrets. Having my daughter was one of the most powerful choices of my life. That coincides with my missions statements of life. If I can help anyone else, my heart would be full.

 

I have a Public YOUTUBE Channel!!

When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing.  I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.

I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.

Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.

Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.

I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.

https://twitter.com/BostonGirl5560

https://instagram.com/bg5560/

Busy, Busy, Busy!!

I have no time for anything. I cancelled my gym membership yesterday. I really needed to be realistic. I have been three times since I signed up four months ago. I have a busy schedule. Between work, my daughter, these meeting I go to (long story). I have no time for myself. I have a treadmill in my house. Which I could use at anytime. The point of the gym was to get mommy time away from everything. That is impossible when any free time you have you want to sleep. I could sleep for countless more hours then I actual do. The weekend went so fast I thought it was going fast forward the whole time.

We did go to a friends children’s birthday party. I have another one in a few weeks. She is not even one years old, but we have been to at least three birthday parties. What is up with that. I am planing her birthday party. I swear two years ago I would have never imagined I would be planning a birthday party.

It is going to be at a pizza place. I needed a place they were not going to charge per head. I wanted to just pay for the food. It is going to be two hours and hopefully very quick. She doesn’t have a big attention span. I am going to try my best to make sure she gets a nap that morning.

I have no complaints other then I wish I was rich. But doesn’t everyone. God has been good to me. Everyday I wake up and look at my little Diva I know how good god has been to me!!!

Raining Saturday

I am starting to feel like a real mom.Two birthday parties this weekend. Ava and I are going even though it is raining. My friend said people won’t come to your party,if you don’t go to there’s.
We have another party on Sunday. They can’t wait to see her.
I put my resume online. Three recruiters called me. I have an interview with one on Monday. The ball is rolling. I am nervous to start new job. New people and politics. Traveling in the Boston weather. Having to learn new things, perform and be reviewed. I am praying I am going to get a great job with great people.
My daughter is in her crib. I have a few minutes to myself. My aunt got mad, because I didn’t want to talk to her while I have an hour of peace to myself. My mother and I argued because Ava cried when she first was put in her crib. My mother doesn’t like to hear her cried. I told her she needs to get over it. Things are going along no complaints.

Early morning wake up!

My child wakes up at 4:30am. Sometimes she makes it to 5:30am.

Tonight we are going to a harvest party. Churches do harvest inlue of Halloween. My mom said she wouldn’t go because it’s in Roxbury. Granted not the greatest part of town. I am not worried about going to a church.
Plus she gets to wear her Halloween outfit. There is a possible work contact at this shindig. My unemployment ends in two weeks so I better get hopping on a plan. I am not broke yet, but I also don’t want to be.
I realize my baby is a crier . When you hear it a lot you start getting amune to it. So miss thing doesn’t want to play or eat and is clearly fussy. Meaning she needs a nap. I put her in her crib and cries. With in ten minutes or less she is asleep. I was doing well with putting her in the crib until she got sick. Then I went into hugs and kisses mode. Plus I watch her on the video cam the whole time. She woke up today after fifteen minutes. Instead of rushing in there I let her cry for two minutes. She fell asleep again. She needs these naps. I got to do dishes and use the bathroom in peace. Which might seem like small things, but they aren’t to me.