When you meet a possible guy!!

I have been on the dating site lately. Not that I have any time to date. I meet a guy I had interest in. He was short and I was willing to let that go. He intrigued me. He is the father of a special needs child.

We had one conversation, It didn’t go that well. I was still keeping hope alive. He isn’t showing the appropriate interest. Such as calling or texting even though he has my phone number. I don’t chase dick. Sorry, not me. I need a man to show his action not just words. So a week past and he text me. He found me on facebook and we knew 13 of the same people. He asked me about a female on Facebook. He said they were good friends growing up. It turns out that was my cousin.

He asked me on a date. The time I could go he couldn’t. Then I haven’t heard from him in weeks. He said he, not a pressure. I don’t have time for that crap. If you know what you want you to make an effort.

Why is dating so difficult. I want someone interested in me with his shit together. I feel if I had more free time I could put in the effort for this dating thing.

 

I use to play the SIMS

I was single with no kids for a large chunk of my life. Which lead to me having a lot of hobbies. I use to play the sims. I am not a gamer per se. I loved the Sims. Then the Sims 4 came out, and I didn’t like it.

I think I gave birth to my child. That is when all of my disposable time has vanished. I have been watching SIMS 4 videos recently. Now I want to get back into it. I have to be realistic. I have no time for anything at the moment. Especially leisure things like playing a video game.

I feel rich people don’t appreciate being rich. When you don’t have to worry about money. When you can focus on your own personal interest. If money was no object in my life, I feel my plate would still be full. Full with things that would make me feel alive.

I am going to try and not got to sleep right after Ava. I am tired, and it is difficult. My Instagram is poppin. My Youtube is stagnant. I haven’t worked on the marketing of my book. I have been stressed out by other things.

I have been trying to grow my social media presence. I would love to do this fulltime. It would give me free time to do all the other things I would like to do. I have not cracked that nut of how this shit works. How do I get my audience up? Even though this blog isn’t poppin, I can’t leave it. I have been writing about my life for several years. I love the people who comment and has been rocking with me for countless years. Your comments are what keeps me going with making sure I don’t let this blog go dead.

Thank you to all that read even with the grammatical errors.

Wanted by the wrong guy

I was so excited to run into a guy I went to high school with. He was still handsome. Still a little corny but I find that attractive these days. No high school influence or peer pressure. The chance meeting made me feel like I found a winning lottery ticket.

I didn’t even consider that my life doesn’t work out in such a positive manner. I was starry-eyed and dreaming of the future. Well eventually after a few dates he was honest with me. He has a depression issue. I don’t want to go through the details, that is his business. I know it is extensive and I can’t add that to my plate.

My hope of a possible relationship was dashed. He tried to convince me that it wouldn’t be an issue. I wasn’t going for it. I am not desperate or in need of any more bullshit in my life.

Dating is not looking optimistic these days. I don’t have a babysitter. My mom watches Ava a lot, and she can be a handful after a few hours. If I didn’t live at home, I feel she would watch her more. Ava is always in her orbit, so there is no time she really misses her. My father would babysit, but he doesn’t live close. He has offered for her to spend the night, but with all her medications that might not be a good idea.

Another autism mom said she had a guy she wanted to introduce me to. She has mentioned it twice. I am not going to push. If she is going to do it, I am not opposed to it. My life consists of my job and my baby. I do miss my ex. Which I really shouldn’t since he strung me along for years.

I always felt that guy was my soulmate. I think I always have had a level of insecurities. When I was with him, I felt like a million bucks. I had a comfort level I never had with anyone else. Will I ever get that again??? I can only hope!

Baby when stars align!!

I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.

Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.

Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.

The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.

It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.

Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.

When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.

We will see if the stars align again!!

Angels in my life

I have people in my life who are angels. They might not realize it. I should spend more time telling them. I have a friend who reads my blog religiously and sends me a text about my updates. My friends who haven’t forgotten about me when I left Atlanta. A lot of folks forgot about me when I first left Boston and moved to Atlanta. Ava god mother who I met in 1997 at my first job out of college.

She is one of the few who stay in contact and visited and her friendship never wavered even after I left my place of birth. She still is inviting and enjoy my friendship as I do hers. My friend that came to visit me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We enjoyed Boston in a way I never have before.

The woman I met in an Autism Group who took it upon herself to guide me in the struggles of being a #autism mom. My friend and I (my other autism mom buddy) bought this woman a gift. I tried to compliment her in several ways. She is so humble she never really accepts my compliment. She is the reason Ava is at the autism center. She guided my friend and I with so many resources. How do you THANK a person like that? How do I show God god blessed me by bringing her in my life at the right time?  I bought her a plaque. I cropped out her name on the top.

autism mom

We are also going to give her 100 Visa gift card. She deserves ten times more. My mother and my aunt. They drive me crazy, but their love for me has never wavered. Their love for Ava is strong. They are my number one angels!! They are my up front village. That makes my journey in motherhood not so lonely.

Hard day!!!

I was hit with a blow. My insurance doesn’t want to pay for the ABA center. In this place call the Untied States with it bullshit for profit insurance companies. Thank god for the woman who works at this place. She told me another family with my same insurance company didn’t want to fight it. WTF, I told her I pay a lot of damn money for my insurance fight those bastards. There is a mandate in Massachusetts to pay for autism therapies. They are saying they will pay for home, not center.

She played the single mother card. Told them I am at work paying for their insurance how the hell can I be home for her therapy. I thought to go girl!!, God is putting these Angels in my life to bless my baby with the things she needs. She got them to concede and they allowed the payment for the initial evaluation.

The insurance company called me and try to talk me out of the center by saying it will be 30 bucks a day. The lady at the center said don’t listen to that bullshit. They don’t have an in-network option so it will not be 30 bucks a day. They are riding the line of legality. The autism center said they have no problem sending a letter from legal.

Also with a mother love I called and harrassed for my secondary insurance for Ava disability to be approved by the state. I should have done it a lot earlier. God on my side it all came through they same day of the bad news of my insurance company being a bunch of assholes.

So even if it was 30 bucks a day. It should be covered by my secondary insurance. The secondary insurance will also pay for transportation for Ava to the center every day. They gave me a premium for this insurance. Which was not outrageous. I would have squeezed it out of my budget even if I had to charge it.

I was approved for premium assistance and it was covered. I told the woman at premium assistance she was my angel. They had a 90-day backlog. This woman did mine in one day. Yes, one damn day. God was so on my side. So no money out of my pocket and my baby get what she needs. We still have a few hurdles before she actually starts. Every hurdle can stop her going to Autism center in its tracks. So far we are still on the road to success. Please pray for my baby. I have been asking for prayers from everyone. I don’t care who you worship or pray to. Send one up for my baby.

Graduating EI

The end of the Early intervention. All her therapist came to my house when I was at work of course. I bought a cake for everyone. Which said Ava graduation. No one took a picture for me. When I talked to my mom they already ate it.

When I called them I thought they would have my baby talking in no time. Little did I know when I called them I would be going down the rabbit hole of diagnosis, therapist, Autism, ABA, advocacy, and stress. My life has taken a turned I can’t say I was prepared for. I gained 50 pounds eating out of stress and worry for my baby future.

Even though she has made massive improvements. She still has not spoken a word. Which is the reason I called them in the first place?  Advocacy for my child is my number one priority. EI told me they have parents that tell them not to come back when they suggest they get a diagnosis of autism. I pray for those babies that someone will help them.

I took her diagnosis very personal. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What did I not pay attention to? Ill prepared for any of this. I had many nights crying in my pillow. Until I met other autism parents, I realized I am not a freak. A lot of these mothers are crying and eating the pain away.  With the crying and eating they still get up and take care of their kids and advocate for their success. The tears of the mother are the prayers to god to spare their baby from any struggles or pain.  Life is not paved in gold for anyone. We all have problems and things we have to deal with. I wouldn’t advise anyone to gain 50 pounds. If those 50 pounds keeps from a complete breakdown then eat dammit. I am sorry food got me through. I am working on getting it off now. But I am glad I ate than drank.  Thank god for that!!!