When you meet a possible guy!!

I have been on the dating site lately. Not that I have any time to date. I meet a guy I had interest in. He was short and I was willing to let that go. He intrigued me. He is the father of a special needs child.

We had one conversation, It didn’t go that well. I was still keeping hope alive. He isn’t showing the appropriate interest. Such as calling or texting even though he has my phone number. I don’t chase dick. Sorry, not me. I need a man to show his action not just words. So a week past and he text me. He found me on facebook and we knew 13 of the same people. He asked me about a female on Facebook. He said they were good friends growing up. It turns out that was my cousin.

He asked me on a date. The time I could go he couldn’t. Then I haven’t heard from him in weeks. He said he, not a pressure. I don’t have time for that crap. If you know what you want you to make an effort.

Why is dating so difficult. I want someone interested in me with his shit together. I feel if I had more free time I could put in the effort for this dating thing.

 

Single Mother Dating Life

My dating life is nonexistent.  I have no interest in participating. I want something to be easy in my life. If dating were easy, I would be all over it. It has been a struggle my whole life.

Finding that connection with the right person. I always found someone who liked me more, and I felt as I was settling for various reasons. Or I love them more than they wanted me. Which always creates a big problem.

Then I had men over the years I kept around. I would call randomly over the years and talk about the past when we dated.

The guy I ran into at the supermarket. He moved out his Dad’s and got his own place. I am his Facebook friend. Even though I am attracted to him. He has things going on I can’t deal with at the moment.

It is also hard to meet anyone when I don’t feel attractive. I flirt when I am feeling myself. I haven’t had those feeling in several years. I want a man to want me the way I am? The problem is I don’t like the way I am.

Something got to give!!!

I use to play the SIMS

I was single with no kids for a large chunk of my life. Which lead to me having a lot of hobbies. I use to play the sims. I am not a gamer per se. I loved the Sims. Then the Sims 4 came out, and I didn’t like it.

I think I gave birth to my child. That is when all of my disposable time has vanished. I have been watching SIMS 4 videos recently. Now I want to get back into it. I have to be realistic. I have no time for anything at the moment. Especially leisure things like playing a video game.

I feel rich people don’t appreciate being rich. When you don’t have to worry about money. When you can focus on your own personal interest. If money was no object in my life, I feel my plate would still be full. Full with things that would make me feel alive.

I am going to try and not got to sleep right after Ava. I am tired, and it is difficult. My Instagram is poppin. My Youtube is stagnant. I haven’t worked on the marketing of my book. I have been stressed out by other things.

I have been trying to grow my social media presence. I would love to do this fulltime. It would give me free time to do all the other things I would like to do. I have not cracked that nut of how this shit works. How do I get my audience up? Even though this blog isn’t poppin, I can’t leave it. I have been writing about my life for several years. I love the people who comment and has been rocking with me for countless years. Your comments are what keeps me going with making sure I don’t let this blog go dead.

Thank you to all that read even with the grammatical errors.

Endless Doctor’s appointments!!

Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.

I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.

She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.

So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom

Only my life!!

I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this Blog. I am planning on doing better. Life has been a rollercoaster in many ways.

Things happen to me, and all I think is how the hell is this my life. Ava was invited to a birthday party. First, it was going to be at a water park. Which I know she would have loved. I wouldn’t have enjoyed putting on a bathing suit. I would have sucked it up for my daughter.

That was canceled, and they changed it to a bouncy place. I knew Ava would hate the second option. I told the mother that we wouldn’t be coming. The mother that invited us really wanted us to go.

We went, and Ava hated the bouncy houses. She did enjoy walking around in circles. So it wasn’t that bad.

Well, we went to the grocery store after the party. I ran into this guy I dated when I was 17. He was still looking good. Recently divorced. We planned to hang out.

I couldn’t believe my luck. A bright light in a tunnel of darkness. I should have known better. Things in my life don’t work that way.

We hung out one night after Ava went to sleep. He tried to kiss me rub my back. I think clearly he is interested. We spent more time texting than talking. The second date planned.

Then out the blue, he said let me give you a hug. So Ava is sleep I met him outside, and we talked for about an hour. Well, that conversation was an eye opener, and I realized my life will never be dull. He basically told me he has been depressed for 20 years. An incident happened in his life 20 years ago that he couldn’t get passed and he hasn’t been happy since. I am thinking WTF!!!chris rock wtf GIF-source

I really didn’t know what to do with that information. I knew this was something I can not be involved with. The more he explained, the worse it got. He didn’t text me the next day. I am on total radio silence. We will see if he tries to contact me again. Then he said your daughter will be ok. I told the dude how can you say that about my daughter when clearly you are not ok. ONLY MY LIFE!!!

Sick as a dog!!

I rarely get sick. I hate not feeling well. My throat started hurting. I did the usual with gargling with salt water. Cough drops and Chloraseptic spray. Then I woke up feeling like knives were going down my throat.

I called in sick and put Ava on the transportation. I immediately took myself to urgent care. Negative for strep. They sent it out to see if I tested positive in a lab. Then they gave me antibiotics just in case.

It had to be bacterial because it went away after several doses of antibiotics. I was feeling better went to work the next day. My voice was gone and I sounded horrible. I was sent home by my job. People didn’t want to come in my office. One lady said I will try you back in a few days. I went home. Thank God I am feeling better but I still sound like shit. I am grateful to my mom for helping me.

She also pisses me off on many of occasion. I have to pick my battles. I have no idea how I would do any of this without her. I know my work is piling up. Then the circle continues!!!

Almost 11pm

My child is finally sleeping through the night. The problem is she doesn’t go to sleep until 10-11pm. I have so many things I need to do. I keep putting her ass back in the bed. She laughs her ass off like we are playing the biggest game. I know she likes it when I am home. I really feel she stays up to spend time with me.
Which I love, but in the same breath, I have so many things going at once. I need a few night time hours to get things done.
My book it getting closer and closer to done. I will announce it on this blog if anyone in interested in reading it. It is a sci-fi novel on autism.
I am my own worst critic, I keep reading it over and over again and finding things wrong with it.
I have enlisted my friend to edit it. I am going to read it one more time and send it over for her to edit. Then I am going to get the rest together.
My Youtube channel is growing slowly. I am excited by the growth, but it has not turned into passive income.
I didn’t really start the Youtube channel to make money. I do enjoy making the video. I also noticed I wasn’t really putting in the time or effort to make it successful either.
With the limited time in my life, I can only devote so much. I still haven’t read the books the advocate told me to read for this IEP. I am going to get to it. I really don’t feel like reading the bullshit. I just want Boston Public Schools not to screw me and give my child everything she deserves.
Which I know is going to be hard which is why I hired the advocate in the first place.
Also, my mom lets Ava sleep for two hours a day. So I am sure when she start pre-school and has that 45 min nap she will be tired when she gets home. That will help me so much. At the moment she is a ball of energy when I walk in the door.