Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.
I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.
She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.
So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom
I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this Blog. I am planning on doing better. Life has been a rollercoaster in many ways.
Things happen to me, and all I think is how the hell is this my life. Ava was invited to a birthday party. First, it was going to be at a water park. Which I know she would have loved. I wouldn’t have enjoyed putting on a bathing suit. I would have sucked it up for my daughter.
That was canceled, and they changed it to a bouncy place. I knew Ava would hate the second option. I told the mother that we wouldn’t be coming. The mother that invited us really wanted us to go.
We went, and Ava hated the bouncy houses. She did enjoy walking around in circles. So it wasn’t that bad.
Well, we went to the grocery store after the party. I ran into this guy I dated when I was 17. He was still looking good. Recently divorced. We planned to hang out.
I couldn’t believe my luck. A bright light in a tunnel of darkness. I should have known better. Things in my life don’t work that way.
We hung out one night after Ava went to sleep. He tried to kiss me rub my back. I think clearly he is interested. We spent more time texting than talking. The second date planned.
Then out the blue, he said let me give you a hug. So Ava is sleep I met him outside, and we talked for about an hour. Well, that conversation was an eye opener, and I realized my life will never be dull. He basically told me he has been depressed for 20 years. An incident happened in his life 20 years ago that he couldn’t get passed and he hasn’t been happy since. I am thinking WTF!!!
I really didn’t know what to do with that information. I knew this was something I can not be involved with. The more he explained, the worse it got. He didn’t text me the next day. I am on total radio silence. We will see if he tries to contact me again. Then he said your daughter will be ok. I told the dude how can you say that about my daughter when clearly you are not ok. ONLY MY LIFE!!!
I rarely get sick. I hate not feeling well. My throat started hurting. I did the usual with gargling with salt water. Cough drops and Chloraseptic spray. Then I woke up feeling like knives were going down my throat.
I called in sick and put Ava on the transportation. I immediately took myself to urgent care. Negative for strep. They sent it out to see if I tested positive in a lab. Then they gave me antibiotics just in case.
It had to be bacterial because it went away after several doses of antibiotics. I was feeling better went to work the next day. My voice was gone and I sounded horrible. I was sent home by my job. People didn’t want to come in my office. One lady said I will try you back in a few days. I went home. Thank God I am feeling better but I still sound like shit. I am grateful to my mom for helping me.
She also pisses me off on many of occasion. I have to pick my battles. I have no idea how I would do any of this without her. I know my work is piling up. Then the circle continues!!!
My child is finally sleeping through the night. The problem is she doesn’t go to sleep until 10-11pm. I have so many things I need to do. I keep putting her ass back in the bed. She laughs her ass off like we are playing the biggest game. I know she likes it when I am home. I really feel she stays up to spend time with me.
Which I love, but in the same breath, I have so many things going at once. I need a few night time hours to get things done.
My book it getting closer and closer to done. I will announce it on this blog if anyone in interested in reading it. It is a sci-fi novel on autism.
I am my own worst critic, I keep reading it over and over again and finding things wrong with it.
I have enlisted my friend to edit it. I am going to read it one more time and send it over for her to edit. Then I am going to get the rest together.
My Youtube channel is growing slowly. I am excited by the growth, but it has not turned into passive income.
I didn’t really start the Youtube channel to make money. I do enjoy making the video. I also noticed I wasn’t really putting in the time or effort to make it successful either.
With the limited time in my life, I can only devote so much. I still haven’t read the books the advocate told me to read for this IEP. I am going to get to it. I really don’t feel like reading the bullshit. I just want Boston Public Schools not to screw me and give my child everything she deserves.
Which I know is going to be hard which is why I hired the advocate in the first place.
Also, my mom lets Ava sleep for two hours a day. So I am sure when she start pre-school and has that 45 min nap she will be tired when she gets home. That will help me so much. At the moment she is a ball of energy when I walk in the door.
Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.
God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.
It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.
I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.
This weekend was pretty hard. I finally feel like I am in a positive mood. I started eating the way I am supposed to as of today. So this is officially day one. Presently I weight 194. I am very sad to admit that. I got on the scale and almost cried. My goal is 165. At six-foot that would be an ideal weight. This is a weight I actually will be happy with. So 29 pounds is what I am working to get rid of. My top weight was 280. I hope to never see that again. I also want to exercise. Which as we all know how lazy I am. I am going to work on the food this week. Next week it is get my body moving time.
I am back to finding my ovulation. I also am going to start doing acupuncture every two weeks. I need to get myself baby ready. I am not at the place I can do anything about having a baby. I am trying to take things one day at a time. It is hard because I keep thinking about all that is in front of me. I am working on being positive once again. The law of attraction is going to get me through all of this.
I am back to working on my negativity issues. I know being positive will get me through a lot.
A) Getting out of this house
B) Moving into a roommate situation
C) Moving back to Massachusetts
D) Getting a long with my mom in a living situation
E) Becoming a Single mother by choice
All of these things are the challenges I have before me. I think about all of them all the time. I need to stop and just focus on what I need to do today. Such as I know I will be leaving this house eventually. Going through all my crap should be first on my list of things to do. That is what I am going to start working on. The rest will fall into place. I am so ready to start the baby making process. I am not ready in any way, finances being the biggest reason. I am trying to align everything in the next eight months or maybe longer to be ready. Oh how I wish I can snap my fingers and make all this happen with ease. Anything is possible!!!
I was talking to a single mom by choice wannabe friend. I call us wannabe ‘s because there is no baby so we are not there yet. We were stating how bitter we were.
I am trying not to be. It isn’t working. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I am not in the exclusive club. I love my friends children. I love when they talk about them and I see there pictures on cards and Facebook.
It is also a reminder of what I do not have and want so badly. How did I end up being the jilted one. I would have never predicted this ever being my circumstances. I had such a bright future with so many possibilities.
I never thought of a time clock being attached to my eggs. Who the hell thinks about that. Someone should have warned me. I might not have listened. I feel so blind sided by time. By lack of a man and babies.
To make is worse it isn’t like I haven’t been trying. If I meet another man who states I can’t believe you are single I am going to slap him upside the head. Or what is wrong with you. You never been married and have no kids. What is being divorced and paying or getting child support a mark of something right!! Is using a condom so I didn’t get a disease or have children un planned is wrong all of a sudden. Is it my fault the men of my life never really wanted to commit. Or I didn’t want someone’s last name just because they asked knowing we were not compatible and would have ended up in divorce.
What did I do wrong. I have a lot of friends in jacked up marriages. Why do I find myself jealous of bad relationships. I know it is crazy. It makes me think what did I do wrong!!
I am tired of being baby less and man less. I am straight tired of dating and all the bullshit that comes with it. What does that leave me. In a rock in a hard damn place. I am going to start praying my ass off for some answer. I guess all I have left is god!!!