I finally got my tired ass out of the bed. I work up and got us both dressed and went to blocks at the Library. Saturday is the day my mom will watch her for a few hours and I can get a nap. A nap I have come to worship. What the hell am I going to do if I have a second baby. I am going to have and wait and see on that. More and more coffee I guess. Ava is doing so much better with the stairs. Other then getting distracted half way up and wanting to do something else. I notices she has more of an issue with our stairs because they are steep and narrow. She did great going up the library stairs. I was so tired I had her shoes on the wrong feet. I know, I know my ass is always so sleepy. I just drank some coffee to start working on my projects and it is 10:30pm. I know I am going to suffer tomorrow, but I will feel like I accomplished something.
So I correct her shoes before I go in there embarrassed. The place is empty. WTF, I woke up and didn’t get my nap and there is one kid here. I asked the librarian how many kids usually show up. She says 25-30 usually but it is a nice day so they probably all went to the park. She had a nasty tone while she was explaining this. So we played with the blocks for about an hour. She had a blowout diaper which I had to handle in the bathroom. When you have a toddler she makes nothing easy. Got her cleaned up and it was time to go home. She can make a mess at home with no kids.
The whole point was to get her around children. Clearly this is not the happening place. They had a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t into the toys. I wanted her to have more social interaction. Since we were out early we hit up the grocery store and came home. The man came over and we hung out. Ava woke up with gas pains and he handled it. Which she cried until she farted and burped then she was good to go. I fell asleep on his lap while I got a back rub.It is the little things that matters to me. That back rub was like he brought me over a dozen roses. Ava was jealous and wanted me to rub her shoulders. Then she wanted to lay on me. I think she was feeling left out. She wanted him to know she is number one. Which she is, but mama needs some attention sometimes.
I have over 600 subscribers on YOUTUBE. It isn’t the 100K I wish I had. To make it a source of income. It is a big difference from the 200 I had earlier this year. I have been working at it. Some work a lot have not. It is hard to find an audience. Sometimes I wish my personality with my friends would shine through to the camera.
I also have cheesy video editing. Which I actual like it cheesy. I like the appeal. I am an odd duck. I like odd things. Or at least people have always made me feel odd. When I tried to be like everyone else it never fit for me.
Any tips to grow my audience please leave in the comments. I am going to try and research more on the topic. As I always say time is at a premium and I just don’t have it.
I have many balls in the air. I don’t want any of them to drop. It seems like there is always another ball added. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I hear the words but my load is heavy as hell.
Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.
Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!
My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.
I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.
The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.
I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.
My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.
My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.
When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.
I know it is easy to share the bad. I need to focus on sharing the good also. My mother asked me if I got her message. I am horrible at listening to my messages. I asked her what she said. I apologized for yelling at you. I looked at her and said Thank you!!
She was in such a good mood last night. When I was making bottles, I heard her have a very long conversation with a four-month old. It was completely hilarious. She asked Ava if she could watch her DVR of Judge Mathis. Then I walk in the room and Ava is sitting on my mother lap very quietly watching judge Mathis.
Things are good today. I have been sleeping entirely too much. I was supposed to go to the doctor today. My period came and I postponed the appointment. Ava is four months old next week. I can’t believe time is going so fast. She can turn her head and sort of roll over. She is more busy and not as she was. I would put her and one place and that is where she would stay. Now the head is moving the feet are kicking and she is going to be mobile soon. I am sure of it.
A lot has gone on, and I feel like I have been neglecting my blog. I told my boss that I was pregnant. I was in a closed-door meeting with the one other employee who knows I am pregnant with my boss. I was nervous, scared and at a loss how to do this. So I thought if she was there with me it would help my confidence. She didn’t know I was going to announce it. She was just what I needed by my side. My boss was in straight shock. He asked me if I was coming back. I froze on how to answer that question. I am the worst in how to answer things properly in jobs not to screw yourself. I tend to talk too much and tell to much. Which of course I did. Then I ask everyone who will listen to tell me if I messed up.
The point is I can’t take the words back so I am going to have to suck up the consequences. I told him I didn’t want to announce it to the whole company until next month. When I make five month officially. He was cool with that and told the president and the VP. So now four people at my company no I pregnant. Only one knows under what circumstances. I am choosing not to answer those kind of questions at all. I did tell my boss I will be a single parent. He said okay, and didn’t ask any more question. When I originally announced it, I felt he thought I was about to get married and be a stay at home mom. That is far from the case.
I cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I reschedule for next week. I work up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew I couldn’t take driving to her office in traffic being so out of it. I have a few things to discuss. When I go she makes me feel at ease. She told me I was one of her patients she didn’t worry about.
I haven’t felt totally right since I started my third week of pregnancy. I am always nauseous. My pants are starting to get tight. I am going to head to Target today to find the Belly Band!! I am hoping it will help these pants last for a while!!!!
The two-week wait is torture The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.
I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.
I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.
It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!
I have to say I am so blessed. Everything is going right. I could win the lottery but this a close second to that fantasy. I got rid of my house. I just found out I don’t have to pay any tax on the forgiven debt of my short sale. I found this out via research so I pray it is accurate.
I got a promotion with a sizable raise. Which will fund my baby making journey. I live with great people.
My roommate had a in interview today. Please put prayers out there for her. I hope she gets it and it is a great place for her to work.
To continue with my goodness. My car passed emissions. So I didn’t have to pay the 600 bucks for a catalytic converter and a H2 censor.
A friend of mine who is also on the single mother by choice journey dream seems to be coming true also. With a great co parenting situation. I wish she would blog too. I would read it she has so much to say. (I put that in because she reads my blog lol)
I have to say things are great. I want to keep that going. I did gain some weight. I am not happy about it. I am not stressed about it either. Which is new place for me to be.
So of course I have to mention my dating situation. I called this guy and cancelled a date because he seemed desperate. I want a man to want me. Not just any woman he can put in that spot. Well he left me a great voice message saying we can just hang out. No expectations. It was such a sweet message I called him back and thought it would be a great idea.
Well I regretted that decision. After I got off the phone with him. He sends me a texts and says we had a vibe. So if I am attracted to him what would I do about it. I am like WTF !!!. We decided on being friends so I thought. I have attractive friends. I am not jumping there bones after we hang out.
I was pissed off with the questions. It sounds like he doesn’t really want to be friends. It would just be a ways to ease into what he really wants. Which is crazy because we have never met and also haven’t had many conversations.
Either way he has made me feel uncomfortable. I am going to have to let him know I doubt there will be any dates.
I got the promotion. A sizable raise more vacation and an office. I am beyond happy. The whole change of my plans was not expected at all. The fact that my boss went to another company. My boss, boss gave her notice in anger. Now I have a great flexible boss with money and extra vacation. I made plans, god took over and gave me things I would have never have imagined.
The first thing I did was make my appointment at the Feminist Women’s Center. It is time to get on the ball with baby making. A friend of mine asked me to go on vacation as my present to myself for my promotion. I said no, I am working on having a baby. She called me a miser. Which I am, but that isn’t the point. I been obsessed about having a baby for over a year and a half. Crying and upset because I had no idea how I was going to afford it.
The stars have aligned and things are coming into place. I praying to get pregnant quick with twin girls. I know it is crazy. It is crazy for it to come out of my mouth. I still want it. Ultimately I want a healthy baby or babies. Regardless or gender or amount.
I am scared and ready to being this journey. I am trying to decided if I am going to discuss this on my YouTube channel. Why not??? I guess I don’t know if I am ready for any back lash.
I experienced some single mother by choice prejudice this weekend. I saw a sign for an acupuncturist. It was down the street from my house. I went in and asked about the fertility acupuncture. He asked me a large amount of question. He thought I was a lesbian. Which he didn’t seem to happy about. Then when I told him I was doing this alone and was not gay. He gave me a IUI doesn’t work speech. Which sounded to me you don’t want to help anyone who is not in a traditional family. I was very put off and amazed because this has never happened before. I will drive to my acupuncturist where I feel accepted and taken care of. Now I know the distance of that drive is totally worth it. This clearly is the beginning of the prejudice I will experience going forward. I have to tell you the people at my job who know now will be the only people I tell.
When I come in pregnant and I start getting questions. My answer will be he is not around and I don’t want to talk about it. I am not the free type with facts about my life. So this should not be unusual. Plus I have known problem being rude when it comes to people asking about my personal life. I got the feeling they thought I was a lesbian with all the questions about the men in my life. If I am or not is none of their business. I am a single heterosexual woman. They are always boggled why I am single. My boss, boss would always make these comments of finding me a man. It kind of pissed me off. Relationships are hard and people get divorced all the time. Why am I considered strange. I am the asshole attractor. That is my title if a guy is an asshole he is attracted to me. Such is life. I am not looking back I am looking forward to my future. GOD please let this happen quickly and with no complications. That is my prayer now!!!
- Fertility & Acupuncture (newleaffertility.wordpress.com)