I have been on the dating site lately. Not that I have any time to date. I meet a guy I had interest in. He was short and I was willing to let that go. He intrigued me. He is the father of a special needs child.
We had one conversation, It didn’t go that well. I was still keeping hope alive. He isn’t showing the appropriate interest. Such as calling or texting even though he has my phone number. I don’t chase dick. Sorry, not me. I need a man to show his action not just words. So a week past and he text me. He found me on facebook and we knew 13 of the same people. He asked me about a female on Facebook. He said they were good friends growing up. It turns out that was my cousin.
He asked me on a date. The time I could go he couldn’t. Then I haven’t heard from him in weeks. He said he, not a pressure. I don’t have time for that crap. If you know what you want you to make an effort.
Why is dating so difficult. I want someone interested in me with his shit together. I feel if I had more free time I could put in the effort for this dating thing.
My dating life is nonexistent. I have no interest in participating. I want something to be easy in my life. If dating were easy, I would be all over it. It has been a struggle my whole life.
Finding that connection with the right person. I always found someone who liked me more, and I felt as I was settling for various reasons. Or I love them more than they wanted me. Which always creates a big problem.
Then I had men over the years I kept around. I would call randomly over the years and talk about the past when we dated.
The guy I ran into at the supermarket. He moved out his Dad’s and got his own place. I am his Facebook friend. Even though I am attracted to him. He has things going on I can’t deal with at the moment.
It is also hard to meet anyone when I don’t feel attractive. I flirt when I am feeling myself. I haven’t had those feeling in several years. I want a man to want me the way I am? The problem is I don’t like the way I am.
I finally got my tired ass out of the bed. I work up and got us both dressed and went to blocks at the Library. Saturday is the day my mom will watch her for a few hours and I can get a nap. A nap I have come to worship. What the hell am I going to do if I have a second baby. I am going to have and wait and see on that. More and more coffee I guess. Ava is doing so much better with the stairs. Other then getting distracted half way up and wanting to do something else. I notices she has more of an issue with our stairs because they are steep and narrow. She did great going up the library stairs. I was so tired I had her shoes on the wrong feet. I know, I know my ass is always so sleepy. I just drank some coffee to start working on my projects and it is 10:30pm. I know I am going to suffer tomorrow, but I will feel like I accomplished something.
So I correct her shoes before I go in there embarrassed. The place is empty. WTF, I woke up and didn’t get my nap and there is one kid here. I asked the librarian how many kids usually show up. She says 25-30 usually but it is a nice day so they probably all went to the park. She had a nasty tone while she was explaining this. So we played with the blocks for about an hour. She had a blowout diaper which I had to handle in the bathroom. When you have a toddler she makes nothing easy. Got her cleaned up and it was time to go home. She can make a mess at home with no kids.
The whole point was to get her around children. Clearly this is not the happening place. They had a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t into the toys. I wanted her to have more social interaction. Since we were out early we hit up the grocery store and came home. The man came over and we hung out. Ava woke up with gas pains and he handled it. Which she cried until she farted and burped then she was good to go. I fell asleep on his lap while I got a back rub.It is the little things that matters to me. That back rub was like he brought me over a dozen roses. Ava was jealous and wanted me to rub her shoulders. Then she wanted to lay on me. I think she was feeling left out. She wanted him to know she is number one. Which she is, but mama needs some attention sometimes.
I have over 600 subscribers on YOUTUBE. It isn’t the 100K I wish I had. To make it a source of income. It is a big difference from the 200 I had earlier this year. I have been working at it. Some work a lot have not. It is hard to find an audience. Sometimes I wish my personality with my friends would shine through to the camera.
I also have cheesy video editing. Which I actual like it cheesy. I like the appeal. I am an odd duck. I like odd things. Or at least people have always made me feel odd. When I tried to be like everyone else it never fit for me.
Any tips to grow my audience please leave in the comments. I am going to try and research more on the topic. As I always say time is at a premium and I just don’t have it.
I have many balls in the air. I don’t want any of them to drop. It seems like there is always another ball added. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I hear the words but my load is heavy as hell.
Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.
Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!
My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.
I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.
The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.
I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.
My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.
My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.
When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.