The FAT chronicles!!

I grew up fat, so none of this should be a surprise. Being overweight at 8 years old to 24. I lost a hundred pounds in my early twenties. Through a 12 step food program. Yes, treating food like it is alcohol actually worked. Granted I could never remain totally clean. I also would stay at a size 14 the highest for years. At times getting down to a size 8.

When Ava was diagnosed I was on my way back to that 8. The 12 step food program wants a lot from me. They wanted me to go to three meetings a week. Talk to a sponsor every morning and commit to my food plan. Also, talk about my issues. It actually worked for the most part.

After Ava diagnosis, I didn’t have the time to commit to the program. It was easier to do when I was single with no commitments. Right now I am a single mother, with a very helpful grandmother. My mother helps in ways I couldn’t repay. I know Ava is her only grandbaby. I also subsidize my mother’s income which helps her to enjoy her retirement. Ava doesn’t stop, some days she is chill, but most days she is bouncing off the walls. I couldn’t ask my mother to watch her more then she does.

All that to say my weight has ballooned and I regret it, but I needed something to cope. Thank God it wasn’t drugs or alcohol because that wouldn’t have helped the situation. I did try three different anti-depressants. The first one I broke out in hives that didn’t go away for three weeks. The second, my eye felt like it was going to pop out of my head. The third one gave me suicidal thought. I called that doctor and told her I was done. I let her know none of these medications will take my daughters Autism away. I know that sounds like I have something against Autism. I do not, I love my baby. I am worried about how the world will treat or miss treat her because she does not talk. I can’t get past that fear. It keeps me up, it makes me nervous, it puts fear in my heart.

I ask God every day to give my baby a voice.

Endless Doctor’s appointments!!

Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.

I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.

She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.

So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom

Only my life!!

I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this Blog. I am planning on doing better. Life has been a rollercoaster in many ways.

Things happen to me, and all I think is how the hell is this my life. Ava was invited to a birthday party. First, it was going to be at a water park. Which I know she would have loved. I wouldn’t have enjoyed putting on a bathing suit. I would have sucked it up for my daughter.

That was canceled, and they changed it to a bouncy place. I knew Ava would hate the second option. I told the mother that we wouldn’t be coming. The mother that invited us really wanted us to go.

We went, and Ava hated the bouncy houses. She did enjoy walking around in circles. So it wasn’t that bad.

Well, we went to the grocery store after the party. I ran into this guy I dated when I was 17. He was still looking good. Recently divorced. We planned to hang out.

I couldn’t believe my luck. A bright light in a tunnel of darkness. I should have known better. Things in my life don’t work that way.

We hung out one night after Ava went to sleep. He tried to kiss me rub my back. I think clearly he is interested. We spent more time texting than talking. The second date planned.

Then out the blue, he said let me give you a hug. So Ava is sleep I met him outside, and we talked for about an hour. Well, that conversation was an eye opener, and I realized my life will never be dull. He basically told me he has been depressed for 20 years. An incident happened in his life 20 years ago that he couldn’t get passed and he hasn’t been happy since. I am thinking WTF!!!chris rock wtf GIF-source

I really didn’t know what to do with that information. I knew this was something I can not be involved with. The more he explained, the worse it got. He didn’t text me the next day. I am on total radio silence. We will see if he tries to contact me again. Then he said your daughter will be ok. I told the dude how can you say that about my daughter when clearly you are not ok. ONLY MY LIFE!!!

Single Mom (special needs struggles)

Being a single mother by choice really defined my life. Having a special needs child took over my life. When looking at that little face I can’t imagine life without her. The struggle is real.

Since the diagnosis of Autism, everything is a fight. Even my sanity. I never had so many arguments in my life. Fighting for my child and her improvement has become my sole reason for living. Praying for her to progress is my nightly prayer.

Dating is something I want to do, but need to be realistic in that area. I need a man who wants to talk. Not just meet. I am not taking the time to meet everyone. I have to plan and coordinate to get out for a date.

The traffic I fight to and from work is ridiculous. I have no idea how I would do this without my mom. I don’t even want to imagine that possibility.

In my dreams, I would work part-time and drop off and pick up my own kid. Money makes the world work. A nanny would be a dream come true. Someone to attend to my children needs that I can trust when I am not around.

Well, my fantasies are so much better than my realities. #autismmom

This day was the worst!!

Ok yes, I am waiting to hit it big on youtube. The more subs come significant problems. I would like to make Youtube passive income. My 1400 subscribers are not going to make that happen.

It is better than the 200 I had a year ago. Now I decided to go big or go home. I have subscribed to a few things to help me with my social media presence. I feel like a teenager would have made it easier.

The one teenager at my disposal said she is not big on social media. My shit luck there. I paid for this site to help increase my twitter following that in turns would push my Youtube channel. It worked in a way. I got some exciting guys on my youtube channel now. I would have never thought they would be in my content, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I also invested in a Grammarly to help with my major grammar issues. I wanted this blog to read better. I hope you guys noticed the difference. I also need help with the grammar of my book. The book that has been on hold due to time for a few months.

I take one Saturday a month to work on Youtube filming. I got a new Canon T7i for my birthday. It wasn’t the camera I wanted. Amazon third party made a mistake and gave me the more expensive camera. 200 bucks more expensive.

I thought that was a great mistake. The camera I originally wanted had a pretty cool auto mode, so you didn’t have to be a camera connoisseur. Now the T7i is a beast with a lot of options that is killing me to figure out. Especially when you have a toddler who wants a hug every five minutes want to climb on you every ten minutes.

I had it connected to my phone so I could remote use the camera through my cell phone. My ass forgot I got a new cell phone. Samsung s9 and it was not connected. Something that should have taken ten minutes. Took an hour and a half. Then I filmed eight videos. Downloaded them and found them all to be blurry. I thought WTF!!!

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Eight videos that I couldn’t post. There had been so much time since I last filmed I didn’t remember what the hell to do. So I decided to film them over. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t miss my personal promise to have two videos a week. Well, they are in focus, but they are darker than I like. I did the same thing four times.

Not only did it seem impossible. I will be posting these darker videos. I felt like an awful mother because Ava was like pay attention to me. I also broke the screen of one of her tablets. Yes, she has two. When one dies, she gets the other. Don’t come for me. dont judge me lady gaga GIF-source I have to keep her occupied sometimes. A lot of the time.  I am getting caught up with my various projects. 3 min and I am heading to the bathroom again. I have to stay on my potty training schedule. I can’t be the bullshit parent at the autism center. I am praying enough money hits my life. Then I can work part-time and do all the things I want to do. My fantasy is always better than my reality.

Sick as a dog!!

I rarely get sick. I hate not feeling well. My throat started hurting. I did the usual with gargling with salt water. Cough drops and Chloraseptic spray. Then I woke up feeling like knives were going down my throat.

I called in sick and put Ava on the transportation. I immediately took myself to urgent care. Negative for strep. They sent it out to see if I tested positive in a lab. Then they gave me antibiotics just in case.

It had to be bacterial because it went away after several doses of antibiotics. I was feeling better went to work the next day. My voice was gone and I sounded horrible. I was sent home by my job. People didn’t want to come in my office. One lady said I will try you back in a few days. I went home. Thank God I am feeling better but I still sound like shit. I am grateful to my mom for helping me.

She also pisses me off on many of occasion. I have to pick my battles. I have no idea how I would do any of this without her. I know my work is piling up. Then the circle continues!!!

Graduating EI

The end of the Early intervention. All her therapist came to my house when I was at work of course. I bought a cake for everyone. Which said Ava graduation. No one took a picture for me. When I talked to my mom they already ate it.

When I called them I thought they would have my baby talking in no time. Little did I know when I called them I would be going down the rabbit hole of diagnosis, therapist, Autism, ABA, advocacy, and stress. My life has taken a turned I can’t say I was prepared for. I gained 50 pounds eating out of stress and worry for my baby future.

Even though she has made massive improvements. She still has not spoken a word. Which is the reason I called them in the first place?  Advocacy for my child is my number one priority. EI told me they have parents that tell them not to come back when they suggest they get a diagnosis of autism. I pray for those babies that someone will help them.

I took her diagnosis very personal. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What did I not pay attention to? Ill prepared for any of this. I had many nights crying in my pillow. Until I met other autism parents, I realized I am not a freak. A lot of these mothers are crying and eating the pain away.  With the crying and eating they still get up and take care of their kids and advocate for their success. The tears of the mother are the prayers to god to spare their baby from any struggles or pain.  Life is not paved in gold for anyone. We all have problems and things we have to deal with. I wouldn’t advise anyone to gain 50 pounds. If those 50 pounds keeps from a complete breakdown then eat dammit. I am sorry food got me through. I am working on getting it off now. But I am glad I ate than drank.  Thank god for that!!!

Choice Mom

This all started with a 39 year old friend that desires to have children. She enlisted me to do the research IUI Artificial insemination. This was a topic I knew absolutely nothing about. I always wanted children. I desire more than one, being that I am an only child. I always wanted a sibling. I had the fairytale in mind. I would have a husband, house, and three children. Well I have the house that is all I have in my fairytale.

My friend who are married are not making marriage look appealing. My fairytale never included conflict and divorce. With this IUI investigation I finally connected the dots that my desire for children does not have to be banished by my single status.

I know plenty of single mothers. Granted they did not choose to be a single parent. The choice was made for them as a reality of life. I told a friend of my thoughts and desire for a child. Her first response was all the financial expenses with a child.  I had to agree. Even though I make a decent salary, I still feel I have a hard time supporting myself. Daycare, Diaper and Milk in my monthly budget as it is would not be possible. Also my profession and it time constraints are an issue. I cannot leave a child in daycare for 12 hours a day. Also living so far from family doesn’t help with single motherhood.

My mom would love for me to come home. I mentioned my thoughts of having a baby by myself. I was waiting for her to tell me to be patient and I would be married.  I was shocked she was cool with the idea. She wants grandchildren in the worst way. I am the only one who can make that happen for her.

Others issues makes the idea of coming home difficult. The housing market makes it impossible to unload this house I bought eight years ago. The only way to get out from under it would be foreclosure. Not a present worry since I’m still employed. It ties my hands for leaving the south.  I could always rent it. That comes with its own set of issues. I have a lot to think about. All these cons do not take away my desire for children. I am 35 and counting. I don’t have many years to come up with a plan.