Mommy FAIL!!!

We went to speech therapy today. A weekly appointment I am not loving but have to do. This is her only constant until I get her into the Autism Center. The place we go is a Medical Center. It is called Harvard Vanguard. I like the one stop shop. Everything under one roof. We sometimes have to go to different centers depending on availability. So this center isn’t where Ava pediatrician is located. Where there is ample parking. This center is in the middle of Fenway. If you know anything about Boston that is where the Red Sox play Fenway Park. So they have a parking garage.

When you go upstairs you have to get your tickets validated. It is six bucks, which I can’t complain about. Originally you could pay your six bucks at the receptionist desk. They made a change and now you have to pay with a credit card or cash after you get out the elevator on the floor your car is located.

Now Ava is not the sit there and waits for mommy type of kid. So this damn machine has been a challenge every damn time we go to this place. It doesn’t want to take my credit card. The cash spits back out. It is fine when we are there by ourselves. It gets hectic when people are waiting or there are people trying to get on the elevator. My #Autismmom sensors are up like where is my kid.

So I have my purse, Ava diaper bag with all her stuff we need to roll with. Then this bullshit ass machine doesn’t want to take my credit card. Now that all the credit card companies have rolled out the chip on the front of these cards. This is an issue with this stupid machine. I had no cash. I looked for another card. Well while I am doing this, a white guy. Things went so fast I have no other description except he was white. Open the door for my daughter to walk into the parking garage. My heart jumped out of my chest. Why the fuck would you open a door for a three-year-old. This dude wasn’t even going out the door. I have no idea what his motivation was. My focus was my daughter’s safety. She will go for an exit in a minute. She has no concept of danger which scares the hell out of me.

So the machine was spitting out my parking card as I chased down Ava going out the door. Do you think this mother fucker said sorry? Nope didn’t give a shit that I was about to have a breakdown. I got her barely before she rooming in this parking garage with cars flying by. The Latino people behind me got my card out the machine and handed it to me. I was very grateful. Still, fluster my goal was getting my child in her car seat where I felt she would be safe.

I put her in the car seat and now I can’t find the parking ticket they handed to me. I went through my purse her bag everything is now on the floor of my car. I left her in the car seat rolled down the windows and retraced my steps to find it. The ticket was in the middle of the road.

I got back to my car and tears started coming down my face. What the FUCK can I do this? I am a horrible mother. How could I let this shit happen.? What would happen if I had another baby? I was beating myself up. What type of mother and I.

This happened a few days ago. I still feel like shit. God help me. #AutismMOM

IEP HELL

Ok, now that Ava will be three very soon, no more early intervention. I have to take her to all these test. I already didn’t like the tone of the woman when I initially had to sign the papers.

I got the impression there were trying to screw my kid out of services. She was nice nasty. She wasn’t mean or nice. Everyone wants to sell me on two pull out speech therapy. I want more than that. My kid does not talk. I want more then two sessions.

I already am looking into outside speech for her. Which I will have to drive and it will cost a co-pay and parking. Things could always be worse, I keep thinking to myself.

I have an advocate for my IEP. I need someone there who knows the laws. I don’t want to be screwed because I was ignorant to what they should give my baby. All this shit is hard. Hard to know if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to make any mistakes. There is no real way to know if I am making the right decision!!!

Master Class: Whoopi Goldberg

I was glued to the screen. I always loved Whoopi Goldberg movies. I can name several, I can watch over and over again. To hear her story was so inspiring. I always felt like an odd duck. Not like everyone else. I am learning to love myself, and not force myself to conform to the masses. I always thought it would be simpler to be like everyone else.

A friend said to me, I am always working on something. I really thought everyone did the same thing. I lived my life always doing things differently. I always had various passions in different parts of my life. I always had self doubt of who I am. I am going to work on standing strong with my differences.

Know that my difference from others is a gift from god. I was meant to stand out and live my authentic life. I know that is used a lot for LBGT coming out of the closet. I feel it stands for me in many ways. I am not gay, but I have to work on living my authentic life.

I have to make time for all I want and desire. I am always thinking of something else I want out of life. I know to others it feels like I am not grateful for what I have. It is the contrary. I am grateful for every gift and blessing. For me standing still is difficult. I spent to much of my life doing nothing. If I am not working on the next project, the next stage of my life. I feel like I am not living.

The first year is a blur!!

So much has happened in this first year. It is such a blur. Just like the past 15 years. Time goes by so fast, I can’t believe how much of my life has past. I remember being fat and Unpopular in High School. Losing weight after college and feeling like a million bucks. Moving to Atlanta and partying like I had not sense. I have not traveled. I have had a lot of fun. I wish I could see myself the way others see me. I am my worst critic. There are many things I would love to fix about myself. I know this might sound crazy. I started to try and hypnotize myself. When I was trying to get pregnant. The mean doctor suggested I see a hypnotherapist. This chick was expensive. She gave me a CD to listen to. I was going to make my own for myself. Such a procrastinator. I started and never finished. I think I am going to work on that. Hearing my own voice might keep the thoughts in my head. Any who!! I been using the ones on YouTube. There are a lot for many different things. Prosperity, Dreams come true, Weight loss. I turn it on when I am going to sleep and let it play on my phone. I started last night. Not sure it is working, but I had a pretty upbeat day today. So I am going to try again tonight. It doesn’t cost anything and I have a lot to gain and nothing to lose. I am attaching my journey video. Let me know what you think.

Guess who is a year old!!!

12 MonthI had her birthday party today. It went great actually. It only cost 130.00 bucks. For the place. I got six pizza’s two salads and four servings of french fries. This place didn’t do family style. So I bought some tins to put the food in. The plumber gave me 100 bucks for the party. I did not ask. I actually tried to give it back. Then I said WTF am I giving it back. I took it. So pretty much he paid for the party. Because I put down 50 dollar deposit.

She had a Chica cake.

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If you don’t have kids, it is a little chicken on the sprout network that she loves. Ava went to everyone with no crying. I was so shocked. My mother couldn’t believe it either. This child cries when anyone tries to hold her. She was in love with Grandad. I am about to line him up as a babysitter. At least to get my toes done and other random errands.

Dad also put 100 bucks in a card. I was thinking damn, I can’t remember when I got 100 bucks.  I guess grandchildren are always different. Life is good. Things I need to work on. I am patting myself on my back for getting through year one. I can’t believe I started from newborn to now. It flew by like a whirlwind. With so many transitions and drama it is crazy. I can’t believe I moved here driving from GA. We did it in one day with a two month old. Moved back to the city I hate. With my mom, can’t believe that. Blizzard of 2015, new job and etc.

I made it in one piece. Thank you Jesus!!! No my baby!! My baby is now a toddler.{7707b807-7957-4b9a-933a-d5bc77f15760}_320140604_0303541 Month

This job is working my Ass!!!

???????????????????????Just a little picture of my 11 month old.

This job is getting there money’s worth out of me.  I am not stressed by management. I am stressing myself. I have a lot of work at this job and it is getting done slowly. I have deadlines and I feel behind the eight ball. I appreciate having a job, but I can’t lie to myself. I hate what I do. It is a means to a pay check not what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Life would be a whole different can of worms. My mother and I have been getting along great lately. One blessing I am claiming. If she didn’t stop the craziness I was going to crack. Pack my baby and get out of dodge. Now on the real I have no idea where I would go. But plans would have been made. She has also excepted we will eventually be moving out. You know how some parents don’t want you to come back. That is not my mother. She wants us to live here forever.

The plumber has been given his walking papers. I am not saying the door couldn’t possible be open one day. For now he got to much baggage for me. So moving on in dating land. Granted I haven’t put in the effort to date. I just don’t want any confusion by anyone. So I gave him the speech I don’t do drama and I am not waiting for you buddy. I don’t do waiting.

Now that I think about it, there is a lot shit I don’t do. Have sex isn’t one of them. But sex seems like such a distant memory. Not that I been feel extra sexual. It would be nice to have it as an option. Also never say what you won’t do. I wanted my child sleeping in her crib. Which the cat is in more then she has ever been. Not my plan at all. My mother pushed the issue and so that is how it went.

I know Nana is going to spoil, but I need my space to do things the way I want them. I digress. Life is good so far no real complaint. I have luxury problems. Which in the grand scheme of problems. I rather have luxury problems.

Where have I been?

I am sorry. I really wanted to be consistent with my blog. It hasn’t worked out that way. I have been a little depressed lately. I am in a city I don’t like. All my friends are in another state. I do have friends here, but they are married and doing there own thing most of the time. Her god mother is the only one checking for me.

I want to date, but have no idea how I can fit that in. I am having trouble fitting in sleep. I miss living in my own place. I no I am complaining, There are more pros in my life then cons. My cons are driving me insane.

My new job is stressful. I hate when training is not that great. I love my trainer she is very helpful, but she also has her own work to do. Which the boss doesn’t seem understand and give her more and more to do. I wish I didn’t have to work. I got a eight month break. I would love to go back to school and do something I want to do with the second half of my life.

I need to pay off all this debt I have. I still buy lottery tickets, which I am sure folks think is crazy. I have to have some kind of vice. That is mine.

I been doing horrible with my food. I finally got honest about it. I gained seven  pounds. I am still wearing my size 12. Well they are tight. Size 14 are a little big. I don’t have many of them which sucks. I have an abundance in 10/8 which I can’t fit at all. I am working on getting back on track tomorrow.

My child watches to much T.V. I feel really bad about it. I need to entertain her during certain times, to get things done.

I am working on getting my life together. I know I need another vision board to see my dreams come true again. Also see what I am working on doing.

There was this daycare incident here. A male college student was molesting the kids. Can I say I am so blessed my mother watches my baby. Sometimes I feel she would learn more in a daycare. When I hear horrible stuff on the news like that, I am so thankful she isn’t in a day care.

I will be taking my life one day at a time!!