Delivery Man (Spoiler Alert)

I went to see this movie due to my Single mother by choice status. I didn’t use a sperm bank to create pumpkin. I did start out with a sperm bank. From the commercial you can see this man has 533 children from his sperm donation. I understand that they wanted to meet the man who contributed the DNA. What I didn’t like was some of the children really wanted this person to be their father. In once instant the child said I want to keep you for myself. Then I didn’t like the one child was on heroin and instantly drug free.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this movie. The one thing I did like was when the lawyer said yes these are great kids, but none of them would have been here if the donation wasn’t anonymous. There is a new TV show coming out on MTV. Concerning the same topic. This blessing of a child is beyond the greatest gift. I know there are a lot of men who would drop out as candidates if it wasn’t for their anonymity. It is a catch 22 in away. The father of the 533 children girlfriend was having a child. He made the comment to one of the donor kids that he is denying time with his real family. The kid took this harshly and kept staying we are your real kids. I felt it was insensitive to the men who expected no involvement with these children. No comment on the families they came from that actually made the choice to have an anonymous donor. It wasn’t one-sided, but the movie felt one-sided. Or the issue that the Cryobank made such an error to let this happen. They really should have been held up to more scrutiny then what was portrayed in the movie.

I know this was comedy and originally a French movie. I think I am a little to close to the issues to appreciate it.

 

So much to do!

I am trying to keep it together. I did nothing last night. I am such a procrastination. I did go buy three more boxes. I didn’t put anything in them. ūüôā

Tonight will be packing night. I also been trying to see the best way to handle this fertility stuff financially. I do plan to pay as much I can as I go. But if it is going to be on a credit card, or line or credit I want the lowest interest rate possible.

I need to put in a change of address. I am going to do that tomorrow. So do I want to push for my first insemination to be in March or April. I think fear is really starting to set in.  I need to jump and take suggestions. So I will wait until my doctors appt to make the call.

I called my sperm bank. They have 50 vials of the guy I want. I was trying to decided to buy a lot or pay as I go. I do desire two children. I am praying I get them at once.

If I do not have twins, the questions is do I care if they have different dads. I am leaning towards no. I know a lot of siblings with different dads. I guess it isn’t that big of a deal in this century. So no storing sperm. If they run out they run out. I do want to look at the list again. They have added five more people to their bank.

My pants are tight. I am not happy about it at all. Granted these are my small pants. When they are big on me I have a smile on my face. They have been getting tighter and tighter. I am not dying yet, and hope not to be.  I am not ready to deal with this. I will think about my weight again on Sunday. After my move, and hopefully fully un packed and ready to seattle in to my own space.

Stress always made me eat. Where I am, I feel stressed. So it is time to go. Three more days!!!

Where is the light!!

I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. No luck on the¬†scratch¬†tickets. I am saving but I don’t feel fast enough. I look on the websites and I see jobs I would apply for if I was in Boston already. Limbo sucks!!! How do people stand it. I am trying to decided if I am going to inseminate myself. NW Cryobank sends the sperm to your house. I am thinking if I am to scared I can get my home girl to do it. She is an RN. Granted she hasn’t really practiced.

It really can’t be that difficult. I might give it a shot. I am working on my issues with things will come in their own time.

My boss got a new job within the company. Then my boss, boss quite. In two weeks we are going to be stuck like chuck. I am ready to blow this pop stand. I don’t want to be here when hell breaks loose. My goal is to be out of here in January. My mom was shocked I am coming so quick. For some reason she thought it was going to be April.

Everyone shocked I am leaving in the cold. I know I am going to freeze my ass off.  I need to get this crap started. My eggs are not getting any younger. I will be 38 in February. So hopefully by April I will have a job, been there several months and can start my insemination  That is my plan. Which is all subject to change when the bag of money falls in my lap. HEY A GIRL CAN DREAM!!!!

TGIF

I am so damn happy the weekend is almost here. So much has gone on this week.

House update. My mortgage company was faxed over 50 pages of information. I am hoping this process goes smoothly.  Then I will be closer to moving home. Not looking forward to packing. I will be moving twice first move with a friend. Next to Massachusetts.

I am so ready to start TTC. I have two girlfriends on board. They are keeping their baby stuff to give me. I love when people are in the positive. I told my dad my plans. He keeps telling me you can’t plan your life. One day at a time. OK you have to plan somethings. I ended up yelling at the man to just listen to my plans. If it doesn’t work out I will make adjustments as I go. I just wanted him to listen.

Then the question maybe you can meet a guy and do it the old fashion way? I wanted to scream don’t you think I want that also. I let it go!! This is not my first choice. If people don’t get that, I am done explaining. Then my aunt was upset that my sperm donor¬†I picked out was white. I haven’t made a finally decision but the sperm bank¬†I pick doesn’t have any other races. I will have to admit the price is one of the biggest reasons for picking this particular¬†bank. I could careless about race. Race wasn’t a factor in my choice at all.

It is hard to deal with people’s¬†hang ups. She kept saying you didn’t tell me that. I did tell her, obviously she doesn’t listen to me. Clearly she didn’t read my article. Which is another issue. Lack of support from family. This aunt in particular will complain about family not being there for each other. But she can be at the top of that list. I sent her my article. It has almost been two weeks and she never read it. I was so proud for it to be posted in the SMC newsletter.

I said something to her about hurting my feelings. She instantly dismissed it. I started yelling at her. You are such a hypocrite in so many words. Then I stopped myself and said just apologize and I will move on. She said sorry but I know she didn’t mean it and won’t read it. Insanity is doing things over and over and expecting different results. If I am looking for her to take an interest and be proud of my accomplishments that isn’t going to happen. So I am done including her. I will not send or have her involved in anything else. My mother is so different she will read what ever I do cover to cover. I really need to send it to her. She is never on a computer these days. So I didn’t bother emailing¬† her. I always feel my mother being proud of me. Her sister not so much.

My aunt will request to be treated a certain way. Will complain if she feels slighted in any way. But she does the exact same thing to people that she complains about. Next time she does that crap I am going to tell her do un to others as you want done to yourself!!  I love my aunt I just have to accept her the way she is, I wish she would do the same with me. I doubt it but I will keep hope alive for that one.

Interracial Donor Children (article from SMC Newsletter)

Explaining the minority experience is not easy when you aren‚Äôt a minority. I am a minority. My experience is directly attributed to the racial climate I grew up with, my family and education. How do I explain to my child why their donor is white? The age¬≠ old saying is, “if you have an ounce of black in you, you are black.‚ÄĚ Interracial children can definitely have identity issues.

What if you look white and can be mistaken for white? This is not a new issue. It was very well depicted in the 1959 movie, ‚ÄúThe Imitation of Life.‚ÄĚ The black maid’s daughter looked white and was suffering with identity issues. She wanted to be white, because she saw that white people‘s lives were better than blacks. If she separated herself from her mother, no one would know she was black. It was a very sad story.

This issue has been the topic amongst several of my minority single mothers by choice friends. Most of these women never thought they would ever have to make the choice to be a single mother. It was a long hard process for me to accept this option. I had to mourn the dream of having a marriage before the baby carriage.

Once I dealt with all the emotions and the choice made, one of the next steps was picking a sperm donor. There is a small percentage of minority sperm donors compared to the percentage of white donors ‚ÄĒ not a small percentage of any particular minority, but of all minorities in general. To me personally this is not a big issue as I had two interracial grandparents. My family will be more accepting of the race of the child then how the child was conceived.

I had a conversation about this when I was talking to other minority single mothers by choice and how they picked their donors. A Latina SMC mom was happy to get her hands on Latino sperm. Another African American woman was trying to hold on to her African American sperm because her donor was no longer donating. A friend and I went through many sperm banks trying to find her more African American open ID sperm.

The best explanation I’ve heard about this issue came from a woman in the movie “Plan B.” She was Caucasian and picked Caucasian sperm. She thought the child already didn‚Äôt have a father, and was conceived with donor sperm, and she didn‚Äôt want to give the child another issue to have to deal with.

I remember watching a discussion of this on “Donahue‚ÄĚ years ago, which was one of the first talk shows to openly discuss it. There were black women on the panel that had children with white men. Their children looked white. One of the women talked about when her baby was in the hospital nursery, and she asked the nurse to bring her child to her, the nurse told her no black babies were born that day. Another woman told about a time when she was in the park with her children, and a woman came up to her and asked her about her nanny services.

This whole SMC process is a series of hard choices. It is a reality that this is one of them for minority SMCs.

NW Cryo

Sperm (album)

I spent my birthday looking at a sperm bank website NW CRYO. Yes that is right, picking out the sperm if I was ready to make the leap.
I have to say I am in¬†love with the prices at this place 270 a vile. They also have open ID. Open ID doesn’t change the price. I have to admit the list of donors is not long. Compared to some of the other sites.

I am a cheap person. I don’t want a bargain¬†basement baby. I just can’t see pay 600+ for sperm. Thinking back to my dating history would any guy I dated sperm be worth 600+ to me. I have to say hell no. That goes to show the men I dated.¬†These men I ¬†could have possible¬†had children with and I wouldn’t give their sperm that high of a price tag.

The truth is I know more about these sperm candidates¬†then any¬†man I had sex with. No man I have dated told me all their medical information. Parents medical information. The biggest questions is do you have any STD’s. I never asked if cancer, smoking, alcoholism¬†ran in their families.

When I went to reproductive seminar the woman said cheaper sperm does not mean bad. She is the one who emailed me the list of the cheaper sperm banks.

Well I have him picked out for now. I enjoyed the process. I am staying positive that something will happen to make this a reality.

Sperm Donor X: A Different Conception

Oocyte viewed with HMC

Image via Wikipedia

I found another documentary for single mother‘s by choice. This movie¬†was screened at the 30th anniversary conference. I really liked this documentary. If the housing market was worth anything I would do exactly what the woman did in the movie. She took a second mortgage on the house and had her children.

I give this movie an A+. It was very honest, real and touching. I felt all her emotions. There were several women depicted in the movie. I found this movie on the SMBC website under there forum section. I love that I streamed it to my computer for five bucks. Here is the link if anyone is interested. The video is located here.

It was nice to see how she choose her sperm donor. I felt I went through the whole process with her. She had a relationship that was up and down through the whole process. She even considered making him her child’s father¬†for her last chance not to do it alone. Wow that was powerful because I feel the exact same way.

She did end up doing it alone and had major issues she had to¬†deal with. When she stated she was in 30K worth of debt to have her children. My mind was running and sad for my small savings account, my house with no equity, and my 401k that isn’t worth shit. I have nowhere to¬†pull this money. Also these credit cards with their ridiculous¬†interests rates.

Not all the women in the movie ended up with children. I felt their pain also. This movie hit many topics. Picking a sperm donor. Going through the process and not achieving success. Switching to IVF because IUI¬†weren’t working. The debt you incur¬†and still could be babyless.

I watched this movie twice yesterday. I know something will open up for me to make this happen. I am staying positive. My food has been clean for seven days. I feel lighter and positive. I am going to stay focus and I know things will go my way. My faith is increasing. Finally light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank God it is Friday!!

I swear I been waiting for Friday since I walked into work on Monday. I don’t have big plans for the weekend. I just want to rest and chill. I convinced a few friends to hit up the¬†acupuncture with me. They are going for different reason. We all know I am going for my reproductive success. I think one of my friends is going for her back and the other for general health. It is funny¬†my¬†acupunturist¬†said to me ”¬†China¬†is over populated they must be doing something right.”¬† I thought that was hilarious but also true.

I had to console a friend recently. I do not believe doctors know everything. Her baby success is possible¬†no matter what a doctor says. They do not know everything. I remember with my neurological condition I was told the doctors practice medicine. Meaning they don’t always have the answer they are just practicing. Which I think is true or their wouldn’t be that easy out called unexplained infertility. Sometimes reading stories online can be so depressing. I also wonder if people share more sob stories than success stories?

I bought all these supplements I need to figure out how and when I am going to take them. I read DHEA can give you insomnia. That is something I don’t need. Before I take anything I going to do a pregnancy test. The deed was done a few days after my ovulation, but hey you never know. I don’t want to take anything that could hurt a baby if there is one. ūüôā wishful thinking but you never know.

As you can see I been doing a whole lot better with updating my blog. I started to notice I tune into a lot of blogs. I get disappointed when I don’t get that next nugget of their lives. I hate reality TV¬†but I love you tube¬†and my blogs that I ready daily. I feel reality TV is staged and rehearsed.¬† Nothing eventful is going on in my life these days.

I know a child will bring a lot of excitement. I talk to my co workers about her sons daily and they are just too much. How I would love to be enlightened and shocked by my child. Boyfriend and I are doing greatly lately. I am going to stay optimistic that we have gotten on a good road. I want the GPS to stay on the right track and not revert back to us arguing.

The few people who know about this relationship keep asking me if we will get married. That is not the first thing on my mind. I actually don’t want to hear the question anymore. I am no longer worried about marriage. I have several friends in marriages¬†that are not that great. I will say I wouldn’t mind being married. If it doesn’t happen I am cool with that too. I will not beg or threaten a man to do something he does not want to do.

As far as the baby thing. I was willing to go into¬†debt to pay for insemination and all the above to have a baby. So I don’t care that I am working on the baby before any marriage proposal. I told my friend you know how much this man sperm would be if I bought it from a sperm bank? He has a BA¬†in Engineering and a Masters in Math. He also wants to see his child. We are talking 600 bucks easily per vile. I am making out like a bandit and having fun at the same time.¬† Do I have feeling for this man? Yes! If he asked me to marry him what would my answer be? It would be YES!!!!

If he doesn’t ask and I end up with a baby looking at me with his eyes and my smile than I will be equally blessed.¬† It is funny some of these women act like I am turning away a husband. He hasn’t asked end of subject!!!