Santa is not her friend!!!

Merry Christmas

She isn’t feeling the big Red guy at all. I got the picture at Walmart. The Santa was sitting there. I asked could we take a picture he said sure. I added the rest to the picture. I didn’t have to sit in a two hour line to get the same awful crying picture. Win, win!!!

I have all the gifts wrapped. Waiting for two presents in the mail. The guy I am dating which we will call Dave from now on. Dave and I drove to three stores last Wednesday to find the play kitchen. After all that traveling with no luck. I ended up ordering it online. I swear you can’t find anything in the stores any more. I also ordered my mother a toaster oven. Since she doesn’t read my blog the secret is safe. They should both be here by the 19th. 20151213_215908-1

I finally found a topper for the tree. I am happy with are Charlie Brown tree. I know I am dating myself with that reference. All the people around my age knows what I mean.

I didn’t do anything last year. She was so small. I doubt she has any understanding now. She did walk over and touch the presents like what is that.

I have a new doctor which I really like. I left that clinic I was at and went somewhere totally different. The woman took her time and was very patient with my concerns. I have to schedule a hearing test and I will be having a delay specialist consultation. All in all a productive visit. Just on a side note. When we are in the car and the music is playing, I swear she is singing with the song. Not totally sure, but it sure seems like it.

I was talking to another single mother by choice friend. We were discussing our children challenges.  There is nothing that could happen that would make me not want to be her mother. I love this little girl so much. More then myself. I cried  and begged god to bring me her. Now my Christmas are special again. My life is revitalized because she is a part of it. I am her mom and it the most important job of my life!!!!!!!

Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Delivery Man (Spoiler Alert)

I went to see this movie due to my Single mother by choice status. I didn’t use a sperm bank to create pumpkin. I did start out with a sperm bank. From the commercial you can see this man has 533 children from his sperm donation. I understand that they wanted to meet the man who contributed the DNA. What I didn’t like was some of the children really wanted this person to be their father. In once instant the child said I want to keep you for myself. Then I didn’t like the one child was on heroin and instantly drug free.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this movie. The one thing I did like was when the lawyer said yes these are great kids, but none of them would have been here if the donation wasn’t anonymous. There is a new TV show coming out on MTV. Concerning the same topic. This blessing of a child is beyond the greatest gift. I know there are a lot of men who would drop out as candidates if it wasn’t for their anonymity. It is a catch 22 in away. The father of the 533 children girlfriend was having a child. He made the comment to one of the donor kids that he is denying time with his real family. The kid took this harshly and kept staying we are your real kids. I felt it was insensitive to the men who expected no involvement with these children. No comment on the families they came from that actually made the choice to have an anonymous donor. It wasn’t one-sided, but the movie felt one-sided. Or the issue that the Cryobank made such an error to let this happen. They really should have been held up to more scrutiny then what was portrayed in the movie.

I know this was comedy and originally a French movie. I think I am a little to close to the issues to appreciate it.

 

Know donor conversation

I have to say other than the scheduling issues. My known donor and I are great. It is interesting the conversation I am having with other folks concerning him. Like some want a possible love connection. Another person asked if he would show up to the hospital. All of that is a big no. He did me a favor and that is it. It is different if I bought sperm online. Because he is an actual person. To me it is not different, in I don’t have a relationship with frozen sperm, and I don’t want any relationship with him. I went into this with my eyes open. I think we always want to play out some weird fantasy in our heads. I am not into the fantasy. I didn’t do all this if I believed in the fantasy anymore.

He is a nice guy that did me  a favor. End of subject. A friend wanted to know why he would do this. I have to say I was curios in the beginning. I asked him once he gave me a random answer. I didn’t go any further with the questioning. I am not his interrogator. He wants to help me than thank you god. That is all I was worried about. He can keep his motivation to himself. Not a problem on my end.

It is a strange arrangement. One I never would have imagined I would be in. Two people know at work. The whole story. I been at this job almost six years and I consider them great friends. Always supportive. They seem to get he did me a favor period.  I am not saying anything bad about him. From what I know he seems like a really nice guy. The point is he told me straight up he is not looking to be a father right now. We have not connected on any type of relationship plane. Which works for me because my plan is to leave this state. All in all I appreciate this man in a way he will never understand. I was thinking about after everything is said and done. I have my baby or babies in my arms. To buy him a present. I know it might seem weird. Not to me. I couldn’t get my lousy ex to do this. He played with my mind for six months. I asked other men. I got a your selfish speech from one of them.

The relationship with my known donor is a mutual understanding. When I had the miscarriage he felt sympathy for me and told me so. When I told him I made it 5 weeks and 5 days he said congrats. What else can I expect. He told me what the deal was from the beginning. There is no love connection here and I wouldn’t want one.

So thank you known donor whatever your reasons were!!!

I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Aunt Flow is here!!

No pregnancy this month. At least with this upcoming cycle I am not going anywhere. Known Donor and I have had a come to Jesus meeting. We will see if he continues to act right. I took yesterday off. I was mentally sick. I needed a break to just do nothing. Which is exactly what I did. I stayed in the bed to three pm. Then I got my ass up dusted myself off and rejoined the world. I think on a better note. I needed to be pitiful for a day.

When I got up I walked the park twice. I didn’t over eat yesterday. I had a hard time going to bed. Which figures after sleeping on and off for countless hours. I even did my Dance central 3 game on my XBOX. I am still keeping hope alive.

I have been lonely lately. I need to do more and meet people. I am back online. Yes what else is there to do at my age. I don’t want to join a bunch or random groups. Which is the usual answer from any non single person. I want one on one male attention. I find it hard to do while trying to make a baby with someone else. I am going to phrase my ad as looking for a friend to hang out with. Instead of I am looking for the love of my life. Which I have to say honestly at this moment I am not. Also I don’t have to tell them a damn thing. I think one of my major problems is I have a big mouth.

I am going to begin the soy isoflavone again today. 1-5 is to help achieve the pregnancy with old eggs. 5-9 is for multiples, 3-7 is a happy medium most women use. I am going for 1-5. Yes I would like multiples but if I have to get pregnant again it is what it is. It has succeeded in pushing my ovulation back. Which in my mind is a great thing. I am not sure if the cervical mucus is harming the sperm. I am going to look into doing something about that this month. I haven’t noticed an influx of it. Who knows, anything is worth a shot. I think I drink some Robitussin for a few days. I can do that. As you can see I am willing to try anything.

I just found this on a mommy website.

1-5 = you produce more eggs, and ovulate sooner, with a stronger ovulation.

2-6 = you produce more eggs that usual, but not as many as taking it 1-5. Eggs may be more mature, and ovulation will be slightly more strong than 1-5.

3-7 = The best of both worlds, a few more eggs, and all eggs will be strong & mature, and ovulation will be alot stronger than 1-5.

4-8 = No more eggs will be produced, but the ones already there, will be matured alot more than usual, and ovulation will be very strong. Ovulation may only be brought forward a teeny bit.

5-9 = You’ll have one very mature strong egg, from the ones you already produced on your own. Ovulation will either happen when it usually does, or a few days later, but your egg will be of great quality.

I might be going at this very wrong. I am going for 5-9 this month, or 4-8.

 

What has been UP!

Well four days in a hotel room with my mother was a bit much. I did have a great time at my cousin wedding. I was flirted with and enjoyed every minute. Granted there has been a hard rule since high school. I am not allowed to date any of his friends. I did make a hook up. Yes my lonely ass playing cupid with others lives. I think one will work out. I am not sure about the other.

So I have to say I was flabbergasted. At the bar one night where all the folks from college congregated. I was fat and awkward in college. My cousin on the hand was in his element. Well this tall sexy man, who everyone had a crush on in college. Was whining to the women he is 40 and wants a wife. I told him I would never thought in a million years that I would be having this conversation with him. Then the four women in this conversation deducted the reason he wasn’t in a relationship. He had all these ridiculous requirements.

Good times were had and I enjoyed seeing these people without being fat and feeling out-of-place. So this one particular guy. We went to college with him and his older brother. His older brother was the nerdy awkward guy. Which is actually my type. The younger brother is the suave, with crazy swagger who cold talk your drawers off in minutes type. I told him I liked his brother back in the day. Which I did and he liked me. What happened was he had tried to talk to four girls before me. They were all discussing it and I couldn’t bring myself to be the last one on the list. I was 18 in a new environment and didn’t want to be talked about.

I been talking to him on Facebook instant message. He is in Afghanistan working as a contractor. So maybe he will take me on a date when we are both back in Boston.

Well let me tell you how pissed off I was Monday. I got the double line. Yes, it worked out I got the happy face when I got back home. Well I text my sperm donor all damn day no response. Then I decided to email him. He said he left his phone at home, but didn’t say anything else. I know I turn into the crazy sperm lady during these couple of days of the month. But shit this is what he signed up for. I am not dating him so I have no idea how to handle this crap.

I then drafted him a kiss off letter. Now his ass wants to respond. He apologized and said if it wasn’t to late we could do it on Tuesday. Which actually wasn’t to late. Shit I don’t know it might be right on time. So we did the insemination at noon. Which actually worked out because I was off work and he works down the street from his house. So I didn’t have to run over there at night in traffic.

Still me being me, I had to say something. I told him he needs to do better with communication. He said I can’t help my job. I wanted to scream I don’t give a damn about your job. Just don’t have me waiting.

Whatever, life is never easy. My problem is I am comfortable with him. I don’t want to have to start this process over again. He is my stud until I am ready to roll out. I know he can get me pregnant. I just need it to stick. Well blogosphere that is what is up with me. I hope things are going great for you. Anyone trying to have babies much baby dust to you!!!!

 

Baby Project #47

I went away to a bridal shower in Philly this weekend and gained weight. I am so pissed off with myself. I am giving up the latte’s that been giving me empty calories. I am going to follow my food plan this week and see what happens by next Monday.

Known donor stood me up yesterday. I have to say I was beyond annoyed. I called him when I got off the plane. He said he would be ready in a few hours because he was at his dad’s. Three, four, five hours later nothing. No response to my messages or text. He turning me into a stalker. I finally got my smiley face last night. Thank god it was still there this morning. He left me a text at 4am stating his cell phone died and he fell asleep.

I wanted to say, excuse me do I look like I am dating you. I don’t want any bullshit excuses. Which is exactly what that sounded like. So I don’t want to miss this month. I am going there tonight and hopefully tomorrow and look for a new known donor. Which sucks the big one. I was finally getting comfortable with him. Hopefully it takes and stays this month and I won’t have to worry about anyone. Here is to baby dust.

 

Baby Project #45

I started testing for my surge today. I believe from my calculations I should get the happy face tomorrow or Thursday. I am supposed to inseminate for the next three days.

I have to say my donor has the worst communication skills ever. I could never ever date this man. He does show up in the end. I guess that is all I can ask for.

I started working on what I put in my mouth and exercise. It has been going pretty well. Except for the coffee.

I keep running into this woman. I met her at a meetup that a friend invited me to. She clearly lives near me. I ran into her four times. Yesterday walking around the park was the latest. I guess I been stand offish. I need to work on that. She asked if we could walk together. I have no problem with that. I told her this week was bad. Clearly insemination all week, and he lives 45min away. Next week when I get back from Philly should be great.

Hey I might be creating a new friend. That is usually how people enter my life, Randomly. Since she lives close maybe we can find some places to hang out in the area. I need to get my ass out the house!!!

 

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??