Life is so crazy!

One or my readers mention how she thought the guy who wanted a hot girl was arrogant. I have to totally agree with her. These guys want a model. I am thinking if all it takes to get you is good looks you are an idiot. A pretty face and body doesn’t always come with a nice personality. I digress, I am still going on the date. We will see what happens. I was annoyed with the comment. Who knows maybe he thinks I am hot. I would put myself in the more average, chubby category. You never know!!

My boss might have TB (tuberculous). I am scared because I still haven’t gotten my period and I don’t want any problems. He knew he has been exposed to it. He didn’t pass the skin test. Now they are doing additional test to see if he has it. To make things worse. My throat  is getting tight and I am coughing. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it in the past. I hope I do not have some contagious illness that could affect a possible pregnancy. My friend and cousin talked me off the ledge. My bosses kids don’t have it. I am praying I just got a little cold and nothing else. I swear if it wasn’t my life I wouldn’t believe it. So my boss is at the hospital getting additional test. I am praying for good news.

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Homework!!

My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????

Life begins!

I started to think of my life in a different way today. Actually the thought process began yesterday. I am still a lonely depressed mess. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope. My life is good and I need to fix my perspective.

Yes I am still going to go talk to someone. I feel a little better today. I actually went to the gym yesterday. I haven’t been there in about six months. Then I took a long walk in the park today. It had a chance of rain and I didn’t care. I needed to be outside. I did have some drops hit my face. I had my new pedometer app going on my smart phone. I wanted to quite after the first lap. I sat in my car,  ready to go home. I decided I wanted to burn 200 calories in total. Why do I always quite everything. I was pondering that as I sat in my car. I got out of the car and walked another lap. 187 calories. One accomplishment made me feel so much better.

I decided I am not going to put anymore crap in my body. Okay let me start with still not ready to give up the coffee. I am a work in progress. Everything I put in my body today has been totally healthy.

Started with egg whites and fruit for breakfast. A big salad with feta cheese(which I love) for lunch. Dinner hasn’t happened yet. I am very optimistic and need to keep this wave alive.

Next week is baby making week. Before I head out-of-town for a bridal shower. Which I have nothing to wear at the moment because nothing fits. I will find something to put together.

It is funny my mom said she is a size 16. This is the first time my mother and I are the same size. My mom was so much smaller than me during my teenage years. Then I lost 100 pounds and I was smaller than my mother for years. Not that she was big she was about a 12 and I was a 8-10. My mom is 5’11 and I am 6’0.

Now we are both size 16 which is interesting. We both are out of comfort zones. Having to find a dress for this upcoming wedding. I am going to look tomorrow with my old roommate. I appreciate her in a big way. I am my own worst critic. She told me I am being dramatic. Sometimes you need some compliments to get out of the dumps.

 

How this started!!

I was talking to my mom years ago. I am so bad with dates and they all seem to run into each other. Lets just say years ago. She told me about the movie and book The Secret. She saw it on Oprah  She was really into. I totally brushed it off. I am not a big fan of Oprah. Long story.

Years past and I meet this guy online  We had a great date. I wasn’t attracted to him and wanted to be friends. I really thought that wasn’t going to happen because it sounded like rejection. To my surprise he agreed. He told me I had a lot of positive energy. I thought this man was totally nuts. Then he brought up the movie The Secret.

He told me that book was the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot more to learn. I had the energy to make great things happen. He invited me over to his house. We were now friends and he seemed cool.

He gave me a book. I was shocked, he met me once and ordered a book for me. 51cX2MApMFL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_I started reading it. Actually studying it. He told me not to read it like a novel. So I was reading it with my notebook and pen. I was intrigued. I also realized how many negative thoughts go through my head in a day. I was astounded on how negative I really was. I decided to work on it. If I thought of something negative I would counter it with a positive thought. I was getting pretty good. Also me and the guy would talk and he began to guide me. Things seemed to flow in my life. It seemed to happen all of a sudden. I couldn’t believe circumstance after circumstance just worked my way.

The guy and I fell out of contact. I felt he was getting to intense for me. Now thinking back it was me not him. I didn’t want to do the work anymore. I regret letting that relationship go. When he gave me the book, that week I went to a neighbor’s house.

My cable had went out and I wanted to borrow some movies. I was going through all his movies and THE SECRET was in his collection. I was in shocked. I asked him why he has the movie. He said it was for his mom. I immediately borrowed it, thinking this was not a coincidence this was meant for me to see.download

Reading the book first and then watching The Secret I could see what this guy was saying. The movie gives you an overview. The book actually lays it out for you.

Of course even after all the good things were happening, I got lazy and totally fell off.  Why do I let go of things that totally bring me good. I have no answer!!

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Then I was talking to a friend and she mentioned a book a friend gave to her.

It was similar principles that was in the book about the laws of attraction I read years before. It also came with a CD so I didn’t have to read it. I could just listen. How great wast that. It feed right into my laziness. I started listening to the CD as soon as it came from Amazon. I was so into it I got a lot of people on board. My mother my aunt, cousin, and anyone else who would listen to my new crazy obsession.

Of course again I fell off. The funny thing is my mother did not. She will quote things to me from the book.

Now the Hypnotherapist and I had an intense conversation about my working with the law. She told me to pick it back up. She gave me a CD that she produced for her clients to listen to for stress reduction.

Me being me, I had to find more. I found several Hypnosis video’s on YouTube  This one is my favorite. .

Okay to show how even more of a freak I am. I thought what could be more convincing then my own voice. I started making my own hypnosis video. I know I am in the special people club.

So hopefully that answers my readers questions. Thank you for the question by the way.  I think all this was worth a blog!!

My life Part 1

So much has gone on. My life is so random. My ex friend hasn’t called me to apologize or anything. That is why her title is ex friend. Oh well!!

I am still in limbo with the job. I have heard nothing about the promotion. I plan to ask next week about the status. Waiting a little while for budgets. I am not ready to hear bad news. I am hoping it is what I want, but you never know.

My internet dating life is getting very strange. I want an activity partner. Someone to hang with and maybe have some casual adult fun. Well this has been very hard to find. All these years I find very few men wanting a commitment. Now that I am not in the market for one that is all these fools talk about it.

I found a blast from the past online. I did not meet him originally online. I actually met him at work. He came to my office for some work to get done. Long story short he had too much drama in his life. Also he had three kids and didn’t want anymore. After I seen him online I end up on the phone with him. He stated he had five kids. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I asked him five kids huh??. He then went into this speech about children being a blessing. I said I thought you had two or three kids. Now I am thinking he lied all those years ago we went out. No this man has had two kids since we dated. Which was four years ago. I said WTF. I thought you didn’t want to have any more children. I was in shocked. I didn’t ask if it was by the same woman or not. I just thought you are too old for this foolishness. He has to be in his mid to forties. Now you have five kids and two under the age of 3 with  a random woman you clearly are not with. Due to the fact you are on a dating site. Then he seemed so excited to hang out with me. Oh HELL NO would be my answer!!! I will never be calling this dude back.

I also have been talking to a new guy for a few days. Last night I had a Deja vu. He said something that sounded so familiar.  I told him I had something strange to tell him. I had went on a date with him over ten years ago. I remember where he worked and the car he drove. He then remember it also. Now here is the messed up part. He was not interested in me at all back then. I remember him telling me he wasn’t and never called me back.

Isn’t that some shit!!. Then he said didn’t we fool around a little. I am thinking to myself I don’t remember that. But I can’t say it didn’t happen. I was out there in my twenties. I will have to say it makes it worse that he never called me back. He was double talking because it seemed he really wanted to date me now. I have to say I am not down with the second chances on this front.  I remember him being very cocky and adamant about me not being for him. Can I remember exactly what he said, NO. I said why would I go on a date with you to be turned down again. It was left on a very awkward note. He said I guess I have to pay for my sins 11 years later. I guess you do pal. If he didn’t leave such a bad taste in my mouth all those years ago with his action. Then I might have went on a date with him. Now he can kick rocks!!!

I am going with my first instinct. I have no interested in him. Oh well life is stranger than fiction.

 

My brand of crazy!!

I have a friend who reads my blog and emails me her thoughts. The previous blog she said something very interesting. I told her it was going to be my next blog. She stated there is no solution or answer on how to meet a man. You have to find the man who is going to deal with your brand of crazy. Also you are willing to deal with his brand of crazy.

I thought that was a perfect answer. Everyone has things that make them individuals. They could be nice, assholes,control freaks, passive, submissive, disrespectful, ambitious, lazy, cheaters, loyal. Everyone has something. That could be good or bad.

I am not naive and can admit that people will stay even when the bad is looming in their face. Should you feel bad for those people. No you can’t!! They decided to deal with that brand of crazy.

I got through one season of Johns and Kate plus 8. She was rude bitch and disrespected her husband on a regular basis. One episode they stated they don’t have time to be nice to each other. I felt that was a load of crap. He was willing to deal with her brand of crazy!! I am sure she was always like that. He married her. He also divorced her.

Usually when I talk to a man who is complaining about his current or ex-wife. I usually ask, was she doing this before you got married. The answer is usually yes.

My thought is you have to be decided to deal with a person for their flaws too. We all have flaws. If you cannot, DO NOT waste your time because they are not going to change unless they want to change. Getting married as far as I can see doesn’t change anyone. If they showed you who they were in the beginning you need to pay attention.

If I cannot accept a man the way he comes I don’t have time for him. I decided a few years ago if you mother didn’t teach it to you I will not. If she didn’t teach you to be a man of you word. If she didn’t teach you to be respectful of women. If she didn’t teach you to wear a condom not to have several children with different women. If she didn’t teach you to take care of your business such a bills and household chores. I AM NOT TEACHING YOU!!

You need to come prepared to date me. I am not going to turn a boy into a man. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet before he comes my way.

You will not believe the stories I hear about these men, some people I know are dating them. They would not have gotten my number. The moment I hear three kids, three different mothers. I don’t have a car. (I don’t care what type of car just their own mode of transportation.) It is the fact we are in GA you need a car. I live with my mom. (You will have to have a very good reason why you are living at home and have not moved out. I really can’t think of one right now I would go for.)

I was watching Sex in The City years ago. Miranda the cynical red-head stated something very interesting. Men are like taxi’s. They get married when their light goes on. I know this is not true in every case, but she did have a point and I have seen it happen. A man wakes up one day and decides he wants to be married. The woman in his life at the moment gets the ring. She might not be the woman of his dreams. He could have gotten rid of that woman years before who knows. She is there at the right time and moment and she gets the ring. So ladies not everyone gets married out of love and devotion.

Being single I hate running into married women who first take pity on me for not being married. Also because they are married they know exactly what I am doing wrong which is why I am not married. So just because you have the ring  and he said I DO doesn’t automatically give you the 411 on how to catch a man!!! Or you might know how to catch a man but it also might not be the man I want.

Another day another dollar!!

Barbie vintage booklet about how to lose wieght

If I had money today would have been my last day of work. I was not feeling work today. The boss still in her mood. Even thought that was aggravating it wasn’t the reason for my bad mood. I tried to stay positive but today it didn’t work. I just wanted to walk off the job. I do appreciate being able to pay my bills. I feel bad to even talk about my issues with working when there are so many people unemployed.

I wish I had a job I enjoyed. I guess a lot of people feel that way. I guess that falls in the category of I wish I had a great marriage and children. My wishes haven’t been doing me justice. I did pick a profession that I have been employed all these years. Even being fired a few times and I have found employment. I hope my luck doesn’t run out. This house situations is going to ruin my credit. Now a days they check your credit to get a job. I know I need to stop worrying about things that might never happen. I swear my mind just goes places I need to stay out of.

My food was great today. No slips even thought my mind has gone to thoughts of my binge food. I did have coffee this morning at work. I so not wanted to be there I needed a jolt to get me on track. It was black with splenda. No cream or calories just straight caffeine in a cup. I slightly missed the cream. Okay I really missed the cream. This is day three. I know it will get easier. It is 7:30pm and my kitchen is closed. I ate my dinner put the dishes in the dish washer. I have no reasons to go back in there. I am sitting here with my tea and my thoughts. This could be dangerous!!