Motherhood was a blessing I prayed for and cried my eyes out to be a part of my life. The struggles of motherhood I was not prepared for. I had an idea of what I was in for. Special needs parenting was a whole different story.
I feel very unequipped for all that goes along with it. I am winging it on most days. I remember when I was in a 12 step program for food. To do the next right thing. Sometimes I can only remain in the day and not focus on the future. The future brings on so much worry. It brings on a depression I cannot deal with and function in the world. Since I am now against depression medicine. Due to the many side effects, I experienced. I need to compartmentalize my life and deal with one day at a time.
My biggest gratitude I have is my mother. She is what keeps us going. She fills in when I am not available and working and in traffic. Ava is her only grandchild and they are best friends.
I am eternally grateful for my mother’s help. I don’t know what I would do without her. I don’t even want to imagine that day. Having a nonverbal child has brought challenges most people would never understand. I love that face that looks exactly like mine. The feeling I won’t be able to protect her terrifies me daily.
I would pimp myself out for a rich man that lives in a good school district. I say that and get a lot of laughs. I am only half kidding.
I am part of a group I had no plans to join. I am an Autism Mom. Since these kids are not interchangeable there a lot of different things that could mean. I have an autistic daughter who is interested due to the population being mostly boys. I have a nonverbal. Which is also a percentage of autistic that is nonverbal.
In the world of autism, there are things only parents in the same situation will ever understand.
My child spends a lot of time on her tablet. I know screen time blah, blah, blah. I let her do what she wants in her free time. I know that is awful, but I am a tired, always busy autism mom.
Between work and traffic and a child that like to wake up at 3-4am. I am beaten down by life. I need a break when we are home. She is content with her tablet. How the hell do people do this with multiple kids?
My mom let me take a 3-hour nap. Those three hours went so quick? I woke up and still was a tire. Yes, that is my life always functioning tired. I am trying my best to turn my social media into an income. I gained 5 Youtube followers in one day and started jumping for joy. I know pathetic, but it’s something.
Ava put her own straw in her juice box. This might seem like a little thing. Autism parents have to celebrate the little things. Her motor skills are not excellent. So the fact that she took the plastic off the straw and got the straw in amazed the hell at me. She is not perfect at it by any means. Shit sometimes I struggle to put the straw in the juice box. It’s a start. Autism parents understand!!!
My life is a never-ending stream of issues. The Autism Center called me and stated the driver didn’t know how to put the car seats in. Just call me transportation coordinator. I tend to harass the transportation company at every turn. The other mother is very laid back. I asked her how she does it. She said anti-anxiety meds. I said shit I might need what she is taking.
Oh, and they said he was rude to there staff. So I created a group text with the owner and the other mother to complain. The other mother said, please don’t send him again she didn’t think it was a good fit. I was so pleased she stated it, so I didn’t have to.
I also like we have a direct connection to the owner of this company. That is also thanks to the other mother. I have such guilt that I can’t drive my child to and from school. I only use this service because I have no other choice. It is also a blessing because I don’t pay for it.
God has blessed my child in so many ways. I need to take heed of that. I feel like I fight endlessly for everything she needs. I want her to talk so desperately I am willing to take the fight as far as I can. Her safety is my number one priority, so I am on that transportation companies ass.
I was waiting for her on Friday. She was late it was raining could be traffic. Of course, I called, and he didn’t’ say hello. He started with she is late due to traffic. I like that they are scared of me. It means they won’t fuck with my kid or me.
Ava has door to door medical transportation to her program. It has not been going smoothly. I made sure to put in the prescription that she requires a female monitor. Which does not consistently happen. The company is run by Russians. They are friendly men that drive the van or car. Ava doesn’t seem distressed or pissed off. Which I have to go off her mannerisms because there is no verbal communication.
I have complained once due to them being late two days in a row. They have been on time as of late. I don’t want to piss off people that have my child or a regular basis. I am giving them some time to get it together. I want my baby safe. I don’t want her to be taken advantage of because of age and lack of language.
Still waiting on the Autism Center. The coordinator from the IEP sends me an email that she got into the preschool I wanted her in. I bitched sooo hard for that preschool. The coordinator emailed me as soon as she found out. Which would have been great news until I changed course.
Now waiting for the autism center. I haven’t let go of any of the original services. Always have that plan B. She can not sit in the house all day every day. She will get services one way or another.
I feel the autism center will be the best for her. I don’t know what God has planned for my child.
I am sure I mentioned this before. I schedule out my blog post. This is to have consistent content. So I wouldn’t’ call my information current I put on the blog. So I am praying my daughter has already started this program while you are reading this post.
Presently we got approved for the transportation. I was sweating that. There were several ways this would have fallen apart. One being transportation. I will be at work when she would need to start the program. I will still be at work when it was time for her to go home.
I have to find a car seat. We will have to figure out who will stick int his car seat daily. I will have to tell them my mom is disabled and that will not be possible for her.
A worry, but the least of my worries. My insurance is trying not to pay. They are presently fighting my insurance company. I need God on my side. I really want her in this program. A friend has the good insurance. Blue Cross and they already gave her a start date.
I don’t know why in my career I have never lucked up when it comes to insurance. I have always had the bullshit policies. My baby needs this service. All this talk of insurance over the T.V.
I have to say I don’t trust a damn Republican or damn Democrat. When you can accept money from major corporations you are bought and paid for. I need to raise this child the best way I can. I will fight with every breath in my body.
We were approved for the Eval with much arguing with the insurance company. I brought my aunt with me for a second opinion. When you don’t have a man in your life, the family will do. Ava couldn’t wait to get into the center. She could see all the toys from the office we were in. She was looking over the child gate, with bated breath. As soon as the gate was opened, “see ya ma” is what she would have said if she could talk.
While they were doing the testing, We went in the room with the owner for the questions she had for me. I was glad my aunt came but she kind of got on my nerves a little. This is the first autism thing she has been to. So she was asking a question from her base of knowledge which was little. Asking questions, Why are there so many kids with autism? What changed over the years? Those questions are great. She needed to look them up online. I had questions for the present situations. I interrupted my aunt and touched her a few times to shut up.
She asked me before the visit if she could ask questions in her defense. I wanted to ask about the center and Ava being there. Not general autism questions. I asked if she could give my aunt a tour. She was happy to.
My aunt loved the place and felt this was a great option for Ava. I know I felt that way but having a second opinion that was making the right choice made me feel great.
I put in for the transportation. I wanted it to be ready and waiting for her first day. If they were any hiccups I wanted it taken care of before we needed it. Ann from my autism group IM me the language for the transportation. I am so thankful I met this woman. I am defiantly getting her a gift and the woman who started the organization once everything is done and Ava starts this program. Finger still crossed no more hiccups in the process of Ava first day.