Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

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Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Know donor conversation

I have to say other than the scheduling issues. My known donor and I are great. It is interesting the conversation I am having with other folks concerning him. Like some want a possible love connection. Another person asked if he would show up to the hospital. All of that is a big no. He did me a favor and that is it. It is different if I bought sperm online. Because he is an actual person. To me it is not different, in I don’t have a relationship with frozen sperm, and I don’t want any relationship with him. I went into this with my eyes open. I think we always want to play out some weird fantasy in our heads. I am not into the fantasy. I didn’t do all this if I believed in the fantasy anymore.

He is a nice guy that did me  a favor. End of subject. A friend wanted to know why he would do this. I have to say I was curios in the beginning. I asked him once he gave me a random answer. I didn’t go any further with the questioning. I am not his interrogator. He wants to help me than thank you god. That is all I was worried about. He can keep his motivation to himself. Not a problem on my end.

It is a strange arrangement. One I never would have imagined I would be in. Two people know at work. The whole story. I been at this job almost six years and I consider them great friends. Always supportive. They seem to get he did me a favor period.  I am not saying anything bad about him. From what I know he seems like a really nice guy. The point is he told me straight up he is not looking to be a father right now. We have not connected on any type of relationship plane. Which works for me because my plan is to leave this state. All in all I appreciate this man in a way he will never understand. I was thinking about after everything is said and done. I have my baby or babies in my arms. To buy him a present. I know it might seem weird. Not to me. I couldn’t get my lousy ex to do this. He played with my mind for six months. I asked other men. I got a your selfish speech from one of them.

The relationship with my known donor is a mutual understanding. When I had the miscarriage he felt sympathy for me and told me so. When I told him I made it 5 weeks and 5 days he said congrats. What else can I expect. He told me what the deal was from the beginning. There is no love connection here and I wouldn’t want one.

So thank you known donor whatever your reasons were!!!

22 DPO

I think I am counting correctly. I know my period is a no-show. I thought I saw a brown spot when I was in the bathroom. Checked again and nothing. I have to say I am happy and nervous. I been having something going on in my abdomen. I am not going to call it pains. Cramps and some spasing in the couchie area.

So I talked to my father last night. I haven’t filled him in on what I am doing. All I said is I am still working on having a baby. He said can we do this the natural way. I said what do you mean. He said a man and a woman, maybe a husband. Dad a husband isn’t easy to find. Yes it is, a good one is hard to find LMAO. We both laughed.

I will tell him eventually I guess, maybe. I did tell him he will be babysitting. I got the speech I live my life one day at a time. Yeah, Yeah you will be babysitting. I heard him talking to my step sister, Who lives upstairs with her kids. I said ask her if she would babysit. She asked if I was pregnant. I am positive my father hasn’t told her anything. She said she would babysit. Her youngest is in high school. Everyone loves babies. I would want her to help my father more than babysit. Either way I am not doing all this to have my kids with other people all the time. I am building my network, village, folks. What ever you want to call it. When I do need someone, I need to know who will be on the list.

I sleep allot. I am nervous about having a baby and sleep deprivation. My medication makes me very tired. I am going to the neurologist to see what I can do about that. I am going the end of October. So I should know if I am pregnant by then.

 

19DPO Still nervous!!!

it is 19 days past my ovulation. No period in site. I am happy and nervous. I am cramping. Not allot but it is making me nervous. You go online to see if this is normal. Online searches is the worst thing to ever do. I never seem to find good explanations. Maybe I don’t know how to search.

The very handsome guy who sent me an emailed called. I am not feeling his personality. He seems a little stiff in his conversation. He sounds like an old man and he is only 38. He wants to meet today. I do like that he has some urgency. This week isn’t good for me. So he will have to wait. He also said something about he could not date someone who isn’t hot. WTF does that mean?? So do you need to look like a super model. If that is the case drop my resume from consideration. The truth is looks are so subjective. I am not seeing a great turn out with this one. I am still going on the date.

No real reason not to. He lives close to me, it isn’t taking me out of my way.  Trying to stay positive!!!

17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.

Day 3 Off GOOD EATS

I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed.  I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.

He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.

So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An  hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.

So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work.  They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.

 

Aunt Flow is here!!

No pregnancy this month. At least with this upcoming cycle I am not going anywhere. Known Donor and I have had a come to Jesus meeting. We will see if he continues to act right. I took yesterday off. I was mentally sick. I needed a break to just do nothing. Which is exactly what I did. I stayed in the bed to three pm. Then I got my ass up dusted myself off and rejoined the world. I think on a better note. I needed to be pitiful for a day.

When I got up I walked the park twice. I didn’t over eat yesterday. I had a hard time going to bed. Which figures after sleeping on and off for countless hours. I even did my Dance central 3 game on my XBOX. I am still keeping hope alive.

I have been lonely lately. I need to do more and meet people. I am back online. Yes what else is there to do at my age. I don’t want to join a bunch or random groups. Which is the usual answer from any non single person. I want one on one male attention. I find it hard to do while trying to make a baby with someone else. I am going to phrase my ad as looking for a friend to hang out with. Instead of I am looking for the love of my life. Which I have to say honestly at this moment I am not. Also I don’t have to tell them a damn thing. I think one of my major problems is I have a big mouth.

I am going to begin the soy isoflavone again today. 1-5 is to help achieve the pregnancy with old eggs. 5-9 is for multiples, 3-7 is a happy medium most women use. I am going for 1-5. Yes I would like multiples but if I have to get pregnant again it is what it is. It has succeeded in pushing my ovulation back. Which in my mind is a great thing. I am not sure if the cervical mucus is harming the sperm. I am going to look into doing something about that this month. I haven’t noticed an influx of it. Who knows, anything is worth a shot. I think I drink some Robitussin for a few days. I can do that. As you can see I am willing to try anything.

I just found this on a mommy website.

1-5 = you produce more eggs, and ovulate sooner, with a stronger ovulation.

2-6 = you produce more eggs that usual, but not as many as taking it 1-5. Eggs may be more mature, and ovulation will be slightly more strong than 1-5.

3-7 = The best of both worlds, a few more eggs, and all eggs will be strong & mature, and ovulation will be alot stronger than 1-5.

4-8 = No more eggs will be produced, but the ones already there, will be matured alot more than usual, and ovulation will be very strong. Ovulation may only be brought forward a teeny bit.

5-9 = You’ll have one very mature strong egg, from the ones you already produced on your own. Ovulation will either happen when it usually does, or a few days later, but your egg will be of great quality.

I might be going at this very wrong. I am going for 5-9 this month, or 4-8.

 

What has been UP!

Well four days in a hotel room with my mother was a bit much. I did have a great time at my cousin wedding. I was flirted with and enjoyed every minute. Granted there has been a hard rule since high school. I am not allowed to date any of his friends. I did make a hook up. Yes my lonely ass playing cupid with others lives. I think one will work out. I am not sure about the other.

So I have to say I was flabbergasted. At the bar one night where all the folks from college congregated. I was fat and awkward in college. My cousin on the hand was in his element. Well this tall sexy man, who everyone had a crush on in college. Was whining to the women he is 40 and wants a wife. I told him I would never thought in a million years that I would be having this conversation with him. Then the four women in this conversation deducted the reason he wasn’t in a relationship. He had all these ridiculous requirements.

Good times were had and I enjoyed seeing these people without being fat and feeling out-of-place. So this one particular guy. We went to college with him and his older brother. His older brother was the nerdy awkward guy. Which is actually my type. The younger brother is the suave, with crazy swagger who cold talk your drawers off in minutes type. I told him I liked his brother back in the day. Which I did and he liked me. What happened was he had tried to talk to four girls before me. They were all discussing it and I couldn’t bring myself to be the last one on the list. I was 18 in a new environment and didn’t want to be talked about.

I been talking to him on Facebook instant message. He is in Afghanistan working as a contractor. So maybe he will take me on a date when we are both back in Boston.

Well let me tell you how pissed off I was Monday. I got the double line. Yes, it worked out I got the happy face when I got back home. Well I text my sperm donor all damn day no response. Then I decided to email him. He said he left his phone at home, but didn’t say anything else. I know I turn into the crazy sperm lady during these couple of days of the month. But shit this is what he signed up for. I am not dating him so I have no idea how to handle this crap.

I then drafted him a kiss off letter. Now his ass wants to respond. He apologized and said if it wasn’t to late we could do it on Tuesday. Which actually wasn’t to late. Shit I don’t know it might be right on time. So we did the insemination at noon. Which actually worked out because I was off work and he works down the street from his house. So I didn’t have to run over there at night in traffic.

Still me being me, I had to say something. I told him he needs to do better with communication. He said I can’t help my job. I wanted to scream I don’t give a damn about your job. Just don’t have me waiting.

Whatever, life is never easy. My problem is I am comfortable with him. I don’t want to have to start this process over again. He is my stud until I am ready to roll out. I know he can get me pregnant. I just need it to stick. Well blogosphere that is what is up with me. I hope things are going great for you. Anyone trying to have babies much baby dust to you!!!!

 

Missing Happy Face!!

Ovulation test

I still haven’t gotten my happy face. I am praying I see it when I get home from work. My last insemination is tonight then I am going out-of-town. I know live sperm last 48-72 hours. So hopefully I am covered. My body usually works very well. I wonder what the hell is throwing it off.

I wonder if being pregnant for a  week through it off?? Missing a day of the soy isoflavone??

I am trying to cover all bases. I had another insemination last night. I feel like a crazy fool. Thank god traffic wasn’t that bad. I got there in about 45 min.

I felt something twinge in my lower area today. I am not the person in-tune with my body. It could have been gas for all I know. I am supposed to have another insemination when I get back on Sunday also. I was thinking of bringing my ovulation predictor kit with me if I don’t see it today or tomorrow morning. I haven’t finished packing. I also heard it is raining in PA so I need to rethink my outfits. Which sucks because gaining weight limits my wardrobe in a big way. I can’t believe I been in my apartment six months. Time is flying and I need to decided what I am going to do when my lease is up.

Working on the baby first then I can think about something else. Trying to stay focused.