Baby Project #46

Sugar free!

Sugar free! (Photo credit: ladybugbkt)

First insemination complete. Yesterday traffic was hell. It took me an hour and ten minutes to get to his house. Then he was still 25 minutes late. It was just one of those days.

I am still not thrilled with going out-of-town. I have to suck it up. I have so much going on with me. My food has been great actually. Still haven’t given up the coffee. I love the taste with creamers. It isn’t the coffee that is my downfall. It is that damn creamers. That is where all the calories are. Also I go to the gas station Racetrack. They have a sugar free french vanilla cappuccino. I love that damn drink. The cashier know me. When they can they give it to me for free. This guy at work is jealous I get free coffee and he doesn’t. I told him I am cuter then he is. I doubt it has anything to do with my looks. I am friendly and talk to them.

I was told anything sugar-free has a lot of fat in it. Anything fat-free has a lot of sugar in it. Which is so true. If you ever look at sugar-free candy ex Russell Stover , says not a low-calorie snack. So staying away from sugar you can rack up many calories. You just can’t win on the diet front.

I got a light double line on my cheap ovulation kit this morning. Which usually means by tonight I should get the happy face on clear blue easy ovulation kit. I need to see that damn happy face!! Lord show me the face!!!

I am praying traffic is not that bad today. I decided to not use my GPS. It had me go through Atlanta because of the traffic on the highway. I think with the lights and crowded streets it took longer. Not that it mattered since I had to wait for his ass anyways. He is going to let me know when he is out of work, before I leave this time. I was also pissed at myself, I forgot one day of my soy isoflavone. It was during the fourth of July weekend. I was doing absolutely nothing special that day. I have no idea why I forgot. So we will see if it helps this month or not. Life is stranger than fiction, So who knows!!

Baby Project #43

I am so freaking confused. I got the negative pregnancy test. I am waiting for AF to show up. I got a little bit of brown today.

I am going to pay for a blood test today. I need to know there is no human life in there. I already talked to my donor and we have a plan for this month. It all depends on when my period starts. I am going out-of-town right when I might need to be inseminated. Which freaking SUCKS!!!

Wouldn’t it be crazy if I am still pregnant. If I am not, exactly the same thing happened. A chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. This is so heartbreaking because I was so damn happy.

I have six positive pregnancy test. They were all first response. The difference in this situation I am not spending thousands of dollars. Which I am still pissed off about. I just have to coordinate with one person and drive there. In one way I am glad I went through the process of insemination in an office. If I hadn’t I would have thought I was missing something.

I wasn’t going to pay for a blood test before. Now I know I have to. I can’t fuck this up!!. I don’t want to hurt any unborn child. I have to treed carefully.

Other than that I am sick of being fat. I went to look for a dress for my cousin wedding. BIG ASS FAIL. I hated everything. They probably weren’t that bad. When you are looking at fat that wasn’t there before it is very depressing. I know it is my fault. I have to get myself together. I know the old isn’t working and I need some NEW.

Two couples I would watch their VLogs on YOUTUBE broke up. I was shocked. It just confirms nothing is perfect.

People don’t share their problems. They share the good-times. Know one is going to get out there and say he is a cheating loser. You never know what happens behind closed doors.

 

16DPO (BFP)

I started taking the progesterone. I decided as soon as I received a positive test I was going to use up my prescription. My friend called it baby sticking glue. She had progesterone shots through her whole pregnancy. She had miscarriages in the past. Now she has a beautiful baby girl!!!

The problem with progesterone is my symptoms are out of control. I am so damn tired. I fell asleep in my car at lunch. I know I had to go back to work. I had to take ten more minutes. I had no energy.

I know I need to give up coffee. It is so hard to do. I will make it happen but it will be a painful experience.

When I was working with the reproductive center. They said one cup a day. I never followed that rule. I tried and tried. Now that the bun is in the oven I have to do it.

I went on an OBGYN search yesterday. It was so damn difficult. There are some baby hospitals in the Atlanta area. Northside hospital and Dekalb medical are the major ones. I wanted a doctor affiliated with Gwinnett Medical. I live in Gwinnett now. Being a single mother by choice I don’t want a hospital 40 min or more away. When there is one 5-10 mins away. After an hour and a half I found a doctor that uses that hospital. So I guess the first step is to confirm the pregnancy.

I told the woman I didn’t know what I was doing. She still wasn’t helpful. I had to pull all the information out of her. July 10th is my appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Then the end of July early August I will have an actual OBGYN appointment.

I am still taking pregnancy test. I want that line to get as dark as the test line.  Praying for all to be great and perfect!!!

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??

Baby Project #33

Donor picked FINALLY!!!.  I am glad I have a few people in my corner to discuss these things.

My cousin was very blunt about not using the donor who wants to be a father. It is easy to say what you will do when the child is not here yet. He could totally flip the script once everything is sad and done. Then I am stuck in a drama situation. That is not the move for me.

I don’t even have to keep in touch with the other guy after I am pregnant.  He is just helping me out and that is it.

I am sure my mind can change as much as it needs to. Right now I have the donor picked. I am optimistic. More optimistic than doing my IUI‘s. I know this could possibly not work. I feel it has a great chance of working.  Even more than the 10% chance the doctor gave me  with frozen sperm.

The first attempt will be this month. I am working on getting the clomid. Who knows I am taking the soy isoflavone this month.

Thank you to all lesbian on YouTube. When I looked up insemination it was a lot of lesbian couples on YouTube discussing it. Many did insemination with a known donor.  I appreciate anyone who has walked in my shoes before. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

 

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Baby Project #5

Everyone is on board with my baby success. They are all praying for me and it fills my heart so many people want my happiness.

I am not religious more spiritual. I live in a very religious state. The bible belt. So my friend told me to confess today. I didn’t know what she meant. I asked for an explanation. You state it is going to happen. Say you are fertile, say you will have your babies and be their mother. I said I am down for anything. I am going to begin my confessing tonight. It is right in line with my positive thinking. I will have my twins. They will be healthy and I will be their mother.

So on a funny note doctor dude called. He asked me am I really going to do this. I said well your sperm didn’t make in the mail so I guess I have no choice. We both broke out laughing. He still wants me to come PA to visit. On one hand I want to go. On another hand I been watching too much ID DISCOVERY and hearing about catfish which me not the risk taker I use to be. I think he needs to come my way first. On my turf, where I fell comfortable. I told him it has been five years.

The funny thing is I am not pressed about doctor dude. I have had so many bad dates from online. I can not see myself being stuck in PA and this dude turns out to be a dud.  Plus I have a game plan. He isn’t included at the moment. He also needs to make more of an effort to be included.

Confessing and positive thinking and optimism are the new things in my life. I won another hundred bucks on scratch tickets  I was shocked. First I won 100 then reinvested of course. Won 80 reinvested of  course. Then another 100. Will be reinvested today. I haven’t finished scratching all the tickets I bought from the initial 100. So who knows. I am on a winning streak. My meal ticket might be a scratch away.

The fantasy will get me through work today with a smile.

 

Baby Project #4

20130315_064920 (1)I got a double line on the Wondfo ovulation kit. The clear blue easy no happy face. I think the Wondfo is more sensitive.

Mr. Man is out-of-town until tomorrow. We will see if another attempt gets underway. I am not banking on it. On a brighter note I am going dancing with the girls tomorrow night. I feel fat and don’t really feel like it.

I do need to get out of the house. I want to go and dance and have fun. I been spending to many weekends running errands and not trying to have fun.

I had to pick another damn sperm donor. This is getting ridiculousness  My third choice that is CMV – is not out of quarantine.

The bank I am using is small and less expensive as the rest. So I am calling to get the updates of inventory. There website clearly is not updated on a regular basis.

My right side has been spasming for about an hour. It is tingle more than a pain. It kind of feel electric. I am not sure if this my ovaries telling me it is working. Or some blow back from the HSG test. It isn’t painful as much as annoying.

It is Friday and I am happy. I am going to try to make it to acupuncture, try to do the baby dance,pay some bills aggressively, go dancing and do my taxes.

I am trying to accomplish a lot this weekend. Hopefully I am successful. I did scratch several of my lottery tickets. I won 30 bucks. Of course I reinvested  Got to play to win.

 

Baby Project #3 Success

HSG came back normal. Now I know god is on my side. It put such a smile on my face, I could barely read the rest of the email.

My tubes are open and normal. We are on the road to success. I emailed the social worker and told her how I was about to cry my eyes out in that doctor’s appointment. I felt I needed to be honest about my emotions. She is a social worker.

So now I am on the road. Thank you God!!! Thank you God!!! I can’t say it enough. One step in faith for many to come.  I know I have 10%, but with that news of the HSG normal it is feeling like a 100% chance. I know I am crazy!!!

I was so worried about paying for that test. When it was a question something wrong, I thought fuck it I am taking this test. I working out paying later.

I been smiling and doing a dance all day. Good news is such a mood lifter!!!!

Baby Project #2

Positive thinking is my new way of life. Negativity is not going to get me a baby. No more crying and being upset.

Yesterday I text the ex. He is out-of-town as usual. I said they only give me a 10% chance. He said that is better than no chance. He has a good point. I need to wait for the HSG to say my tubes are open. Then I am on my way to baby making.

I took out my working with the law books. I plan to read them and get focus to stay out of lane of negativity. God didn’t get me this far to turn his back on me.

I had my mother crying yesterday. She just wants me to be happy. I am done being gloom and doom. People have defied the odds before. I don’t know what is going to happen but I am going to leave it in god and the universe hands.

I am going for it, and stop doubting things will be alright!!! First order of business stop looking up success stories online. I tend to get the horror stories more than success. I firmly believe when success happens people are not running to the computer to report it, like negative things!!!!