Social Media!

I feel like my mom with the VCR back in the say. I am not a wiz with social media. I actually don’t have time to figure it out. I try my best, and I know I could do so much better with knowledge.

These kids got this shit on lock. They grew up in this age making it all easier. I have a message and I am trying to figure out how to get it out. Not easy and something I actually fell into. This blog started from a asshole ex. Granted his NEW title is asshole, it wasn’t when he made the suggestion. Well he knows writing is my thing. Which I have never been consistency at in my life. Because I lack discipline in all matters of my life.

He started this blog for me. Granted I wish he picked Google because I could get some absence. I have no idea how to move it over. Also I have so much going on don’t feel like even going there. If I had time I would create my own website.

I think god is going to bless me with all I ask. I am going to keep asking until that happens. What could it hurt.

What I am praying for??

I know my prayers have changed over the years. I am so grateful to have my baby. My life is completely different. Even when she drives me crazy, I am still so in love with her I can’t take it.

I am praying to be a stay at home mom. I know it is not rational. I am the only income in this family. God can move mountains so why not pray for what I want. I want another baby and to be a stay at home mom in my own house. I pray that Ava delays are minor and easy taken care of. Her Speech therapist said she is doing great.

We have a delay test with a doctor coming in May. I am praying that everything is minor. We will see all I can do is stay prayed up. The therapist did make good point that she is still very drolly. I looked online and she could have enlarged tonsils which is what the therapist thought. Or her molars could be coming in. I notice she is always congested. I need to make her two year old appointment in May. It can wait to then. I have just started this job and not ready to ask a bunch of favors on time.

I already have to take a few days off in May for her Delay test. God is good and things are on point. I have a snow day tomorrow. No work, Yeppie!!! You never know what is around the corner. I appreciate all my blessing and can’t wait to see what else my life is going to bring.

TGIF!!

I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.

Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.

I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.

I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.

I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.

Santa is gone!!

Christmas is over and I have work bright and early tomorrow. I didn’t scratch all my lottery tickets. Maybe I will get through it tonight. Or maybe I will save them for New Years. Dave and I are on the outs. We might get over it, might not. When people say relationships are hard, I totally understand. I swear my life changes on a dime.

I know I am quick to pull the trigger and kick someone to the curb. Not one of best traits. I will work on it in 2016. I did not tell a bunch of people what happened with Dave and I. I learned from my mistakes. If you let to many people in, it opens it up for opinion. I use to welcome those opinions back in the day. Now not so much. What I decided to do where he is concerned I will work out myself. If it ends in a big ass hear break, I will call my road dogs for comfort.

I am still considering having another baby. I will make the decision by the summer. Ava is doing well. She is a happy baby, who makes me laugh all the time. Her lack of speech does bother me. Only because I don’t want my baby to have any issues. Then I watch the St. Jude commercials with children with cancer, and I thank god my baby is healthy.

She wasn’t really into Christmas. Spent more time playing with the boxes, and the cheapest toy. Didn’t like the dolls. The talking Elmo got about ten minutes of attention. We will see what happens next year.

I really like my job so far. I had to leave early last Thursday to take Ava to a followup Doctor’s appointment. No more ear infection thank god. We had to do two rounds of antibiotics. I have noticed my baby is a brat, and cries anytime she doesn’t get her way. Which I ignore, and Nana does not. LOL she knows she gets away with murder. That face is hard to see cry. I do it!!!

She Ate my Cooking!!!

20151220_175912Okay, I have been horrible about not really cooking for my child. She has advanced to the Gerber meals. Which look like little TV dinners. She seemed meat adverse. All meat she would spit out. They are only four options for those meals. For a min she would only eat the Marconi and cheese. Over night that has changed. I was eating eggs and she was all over my plate. I gave her some and she ate it. I was shocked. The last time I gave her eggs she spit it out. So this morning, I made her eggs and she ate most of it.

Tonight I cooked salmon, mash potatoes and broccoli. She ate most of it. Thank you Jesus, I really didn’t want a crazy picky eater. We had a good day today. I is 7:15 and she is sleep. No nap today, she wouldn’t take one. So she went to bed nice and early. I barely know what to do with myself.

I hear Star Wars was great. I can’t wait to go see. Dave is supposed to take me after the New Year. Which is a time we both agreed on. These next couple of weeks will be a little hectic.

I haven’t bought my father a present for Christmas. I am going to do something big for his birthday. Which we actually share the birthday. His house was broken into and his laptop was stolen. I am going to replace it for him.

Oh how I wish I was rich so I could take care of my family. First order of business buy my father a nice condo in a great area. Well I have my scratch tickets to scratch on Christmas. A gift to myself. Hey I play and keep hope alive. You never know what could happen and what is possible.

I am shocked I am a mother. I didn’t know if that would be possible. On a side note I can’t find my ovulation again. I am going to keep on looking for it. I am going to keep working on life, I really feel like I have to do more to get more.

Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

God and Bad!!

I love my daughter in ways I could not imagine. Motherhood on the solo is also harder then I IMAGINED.

She started having night terrors and waking up in the middle of the night and staying up. I am trying to figure out the cause. What I been lacking is sleep and trying to deal with it. It is almost worst then when she was a newborn. I was off work then and could nap with her. Now I have to head to work and she goes to sleep from being up all night. I find myself turning on the TV and putting a pillow over my head. I don’t feel like the best mom when I do that.

I woke up this morning with my head pounding like I had a hang over. I don’t drink, so that feeling is crazy. My mother let me sleep for an hour and a half. Thank god for my mother. She drives me crazy, but I thank god for her all the time.

I have been dating. Shockingly, I would consider myself in a semi-relationship. I will say semi due to the lack of any declaration. I have mentioned him before. The guy working on my house has stepped up to the plate.

He took Ava and I to lunch yesterday. So we drove my car. It was easier then moving the car seat. He was so attentive to Ava. I was like wow this is how this feels. I don’t have to do everything. He has been around since Ava was two months old.

He has been working for my family for about 12 years. I feel comfortable with him. We didn’t start off well. Hopefully it will continue to stay positive. He is my first choice for the second baby. He is a great father to his kids. They are grown pretty much. I wanted a second baby.

You would think I brought this up. No shockingly enough it wasn’t me. He asked me about having more children when Ava was about 5 months old. We moved here when she was 2 months old.

It is nice to be wanted. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I am keeping hope alive. I need to buy some ovulation kits to be ready for testing next months.

I started my new job. My boss at that job quit. She has been there a long time. She is going to a great opportunity. I am stressed because it has been crash course training. I feel like my life always has to have some drama in it. Or is that everyone’s life????

I been working on my YouTube channel. Trying to get subscribers and viewers, to make it visual income. My first position for YouTube is to help people. I was watching one of the video’s about growing your channel. He said do something you are passionate you are about. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest with no regrets. Having my daughter was one of the most powerful choices of my life. That coincides with my missions statements of life. If I can help anyone else, my heart would be full.

 

Long Sunday!!

I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.

I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.

Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.

Sour Stomach

My stomach has been sour for over a week. I don’t feel like I am going to throw up. My stomach feels like crap. It doesn’t matter what I eat.

I took the day off work. I needed a day to sleep and do nothing. Which started out to be a great plan. I forgot to buy the lottery tickets for the office and send it out on Thursday. So I went out to get the tickets and some ginger-ale. A few things from the store and came home. Thank god for scanning. I sent it to someone in the office to send out. Mission accomplished.

A friend of mine was telling me about her financial situation. I was thinking damn she got it together. I am in debt. I had a plan about the debt which was in motion until expensive fertility treatments. I know I will get it together eventually.

I did sleep alot today, but not as much as I thought I would. It is nice to have a day of no errands or things to do. I know soon that will totally change in my life. Mom and I are doing great. Which is usually how it goes. A complete breakdown and then she acts like nothing has happened. 

If getting out of my bed to get lottery tickets makes me rich I will thank the gods for me staying home today. Wishful Thinking!!!!

Good News!!

20131002_063806-1 (1)Clearly by the picture you can tell I failed waiting to go to the doctor’s office. I woke up went to the bathroom this morning. Then was doing my usual get ready. Every time I went into the bathroom, I saw all my test. Yes I had at least five test from prior testing addiction. I only used one of these clear blue easy. When I researched them they are not that sensitive. This when I was testing crazy early. So I pissed in a little Dixie cup. Put it in the urine. Then put it on the counter. I walked out the room to do something else. I couldn’t have been gone but a minute. When I came back I was in shock it was immediately pregnant. Prior months testing I have been looking at barely noticeable lines praying they would get darker. I also remember using this test before and it saying not pregnant. I got my phone took a picture and text it to all my supporters. I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I couldn’t help it, I was so excited. I am still nervous it is very early.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Which only to confirm then make another appointment. Watch what you ask god for, it might actually happen. I felt in my bones I didn’t have some crazy fertility issues. I held to that belief. The only test that was important to me was the HSG. Once I knew my tubes were open I was good. When I spent all that money not to get pregnant a few things happened. The doctor said you have no problem ovulating. The second thing because I did so bad on that test that tells you if your eggs are old. I can’t think of it right now. I guess I blocked that bullshit out of my mind. When I did the insemination in the doctor’s office they expected me to have one egg with the medication. I had five, they were shocked. So I felt I could get pregnant. I needed a man. Basically because I couldn’t afford fertility treatments. Also she was only giving me three chances. Not that I could afford more. I felt that was crap.  Everything happens for a reason.

I was still doing the hypnotism on my own. I know it sounds crazy. I do believe the mind is more powerful than you think. I never created my own. I swear I think of things and don’t do shit. I found the hypnosis video on YouTube and would play it when I go to sleep.

.   I found several others and I would rotate them. The laws of attraction, prosperity (meaning money), Losing weight, not bingeing. It is funny all the things you can find on YouTube. I also thought it couldn’t hurt. They say don’t listen to them while driving a car. Also be relaxed and it is okay if you fall asleep your subconscious is getting the information. I know this isn’t for everyone. I feel like who knows. I believe the mind can make you do a lot of things. I came up with this in my therapist appointment. I asked her if she thought hypnosis works. We had a long discussion and I was off listening to one or these subjects at least three times a week. The money hasn’t come yet, but the binge has decreased and I lost eight pound and didn’t know how. I got a positive pregnancy test.  So shit something is going right. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. So I will keep listening to my YouTube hypnosis. No one else is in the bed with me that could possible get disturb by this. One of the great things about living alone. Keep the baby dust coming my way. I know I need to work on my fears. HERE IS TO NO MORE FEAR!!!