I got the happy face this morning. Today was the day it needed to get done. I was on a mission for this cycle not to be lost. I took that damn soy isoflavone and I didn’t want it to go to waste.
I have issues. I know I have issues. One of my major issues is I feel every man will disappoint me. Whatever a man says is bullshit and I should just wait to be disappointed. I am sure some of this stems from childhood. Then continued on with the trifling men I continued to have in my life.
Donor dude has not been big on communication. Of course in my mind I am thinking here we go with the bullshit. Well to my surprise he was waiting for me at Positive Impact to get our HIV test. It is so weird. We are not dating. I wouldn’t call us friends. The whole situation is strange as hell. We were in that place for about an hour and half. We both left with our negative cards.
I have always used condoms. I have never made a man take a HIV test. The ex and I slept together with no condom. Especially when I convinced him to make a baby with me. I trusted him and don’t know why. He is one of the men who doesn’t seem to do much but disappoint me.
Donor deposit was made. Another will be made tomorrow or Monday. All depending on Sunday activities. More on his side than mine.
The ex text me. I didn’t ignore him on purpose, I was busy. Well he started getting aggressive with trying to contact me. I decided perfect time to give him a taste of his own medicine. I was not going to respond to him. After about ten text and phone calls. My home phone started ringing. Shit I didn’t know my home phone number. Caller ID showed it was him. I didn’t answer.
When I was coming in earlier the fire department showed up for some reason. I think someone was hurt, they brought an ambulance. Well an hour later I get a text. I am by your car come out because I don’t know what apartment you live in. I couldn’t believe it. Not that he hasn’t done that before. Granted that was 11 years ago. I went outside and yes he was there.
How can you do this to me. I looked at him with a blank stare. How many damn times have you done this to me. He couldn’t believe it. He kept saying I don’t believe you did that. All I could do is laugh. You know how many night he has had my ass calling and staring at the phone. Shit I should have been ignoring his ass a long time ago.
So I told him to take me to the movies. We ended up seeing Iron Man 3. We went to the 9:35 show. I didn’t want him to stay over. I don’t want to end up on the Maury show. Who is the father. A friend said why not. I might be going about this in an unconventional way. I do want to know who impregnated me. If my child ask I have maintain some level of respect.
My donor father is an identical twin. If he gets me twins I might have to buy him a present. Keeping hope alive!!!
Well I had an ultrasound yesterday. I have a cyst. I will be having another ultrasound on the third day of my period. If the cyst is still there she will not give me fertility drugs. It would aggravate the cyst.
I asked her if I could do a natural cycle if the cyst is still there. “If that is how you want to spend your money” in a your crazy tone is the answer I got.
I am ready to do the damn thing. This could be good showing me I don’t need to spend all this money. A natural cycle takes the expense down big time. I also told her I would be doing one insemination not two. She said she gives me a 1% chance.
So natural and one insemination instead of two took my 10% down to 1%. She also told me when I do get on the medication, I should do it each month not every other month.
I have been listening to my positivity CD for the past two days. I have to say my faith is improving. I didn’t cry when she said those things yesterday. I had a feeling in my heart it will work.
I have read of a woman who had identical twins when they told her she would be wasting her money.
I went to see my acupuncturist, because we got out of work early. At the end of the session she said have you gained some weight. Pretty hard to hide when you are practically naked on the table. She said no good lose it. She wasn’t mean about it. Very to the point and immediately went to something else. I thought damn she couldn’t give me that with a chaser. I left and decided to do something about my weight. I have eaten great today. I also walked around a park twice. I would have went for the third if it didn’t start drizzling. Life is good, no complaints!!!
I am having such a hard time with patients. I am ready to have my babies yesterday. I know I am blessed, everything went in my favor. House is gone check, Money coming in check. I want the money now and the moving done and insemination and pregnancy to happen right now.
I am already pissed off I don’t have a husband. Now when I finally make the hardest choice in my life. Which I am still having a hard time dealing with. I have to wait even longer.
I have so many fears. Yet I am beyond ready to get this party started. Why do I want twins? I would love to go through this process once. Have a sibling for this child that has only one true parent. My mom is a twin so there is hope. Plus I heard older women have more twins, Black women have more twins and tall women have more twins. Check, Check, Check. Am I scared to death to have two babies at once. HELL YES!!! But I will work it out. Like I work out everything in my life.
I could just get up and go and let the chips fall. I don’t want to leave in total financial disarray. I am trying to be smart. When I really don’t want to be. I am trying to be responsible when I want to throw up my hands and say I don’t give a shit. I am trying to act like a grown up. When I want to stomp my feet and say why me. Why do I have to go through this crap. Why do I have to be different. Why can’t I have a baby with having sex and not in an office. An office I can’t get to yet until I move to Boston get a job and have some health insurance.
Life is stranger than fiction. My life seems so fictional at this moment. I am not living on my own. I been on my own for 12 years. I am giving up my dog. I know my heart will break but it has to be done. I am moving to a place I barely like to visit. All due to my need to have a child.
Something I thought would come with the husband first. The husband dream I had to lay to rest in my mind. The fairytale that might come true in another time but not in time for a child. The fear of having fertility issues. The fear of being pregnant alone. The fear of who will really help when my children are born. It is easy to say how much you will help when they aren’t here yet. When they are fictional thoughts in your mind.
Cut in dry I am a ball full of fear with no patients. I HAVE ISSUES!!!