I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Where have I been!!

I am in a rut. That time out-of-town put me so off-key. I haven’t really been exercising. I swear I lose motivation like people lose their keys. I am going to force myself to go to the gym today.  I want to be married. I say that after attending two weddings. The last one everyone in the damn place was married. I thought, wow no single people come to weddings anymore. My aunt said the next wedding will be mine. I told her I doubt it. I am not that kind of girl. I will go to Vegas, or the justice of the peace. I am not a big fan of so much extra to get married. I don’t think I ever thought of having a wedding. I guess I am strange.

I know a few people who would love to see me get married. I would love to see myself get married also. I can’t predict the future you never know. I am not doing to well dating. I met this guy online of course. We had a great conversation one day. Then the next day he is sending my 1-900 text message. I was so disgusted.

So on the baby front. Which is my real focus at the moment. After I have my twins I will worry about a man in my life. I have no idea if I am pregnant. Haven’t been focused on it at all. Which hay they say that is when it happens. I am 9DPO ( nine days past ovulation).  I would buy a pregnancy test, but with my overly aggressively trying to pay of bills. My checking account is lower than I like to see it.

We all know when I buy one I end up buying many. I am just going to wait to see if my period shows up.

TGIF

I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.

I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.

I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.

I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.

Baby Project #35

The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.

I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.

He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.

I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.

To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.

I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.

 

Pissed off!!

This morning I was really upset with someone. She hasn’t really been optimistic about my baby journey. She did apologize after I went the hell off. Initially when I told her I planned to have children by myself. She said why do I want to do that. Kids are not all that. That is easy to say when you have them.

Then today I told her about the known donor. She knew I was upset about not getting pregnant after spending all that money.

Her: is this a boyfriend?

Me: No this is a donor.

Her: So your child won’t know their father??(FULL OF JUDGEMENT)

This is when I went the blew up. One of her children doesn’t know their father. Also she knows many people as I do with both parents. These kids are not the best and brightest. I told her that is why I can’t talk to you bible belt folks out here. She got defensive an apologized. I think people don’t know what they are saying. Another friend yesterday said you won’t know his medical history. I am thinking and your point is?  If I adopted a child I might not know anything about that child.

You know what’s the true problem. I need to keep my mouth shut. I am not saying another damn thing to anyone. Only to the people supporting the situation at the moment. I told the person I had the conversation this morning  I am not talking about this situation with her again. She apologized again and said she was really sorry. I do believe she was sorry. Why at almost 40 years old do people feel I need to explain myself. My damn mother is all on board.

Then people will judge you when they do the same if not worse in their own life. I told a friend about a causal sex situation years ago. She came down on me with a vengeance. How that wasn’t good. I saw red.

I asked her you do realize I know you. She said yes. I said I known you for years. She said yes. I said how dare you judge me when you slept with your now husband three hours after meeting him. I got an apology.

I swear it is only certain people who do this. Not to be funny but in my experience it usually the ones in church every Sunday. Not getting on the folks in church. JUST SAYING!!!

TGIF!!!

I am so happy it is Friday. I been feeling like I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I am sleeping in tomorrow. My cousin is in town for the weekend. He stayed with me last night. He put together my desktop today. Not it isn’t hard but my lazy ass haven’t done it. I am going to acupuncture  Hopefully will attempt my taxes. Get some rest and enjoy life.

You will not believe I won another 60 bucks on my scratch tickets. I didn’t scratch all the ones I bought. You know my gambling self reinvested. This is fun and risky and stupid at the same time  I was in the store and a woman told me she won 10k not to long ago.

The one thing I can say about scratch off. You have just as much chance as anyone else. So Yes I have reinvested the money I have won. I am up to 460 bucks. But each time I have bought myself lunch. Kept 20 bucks out the deal. I haven’t contributed any additional money then what I won. Now I can’t say that when I usually purchase these things.

My co-worker told me I am on a winning streak and need to keep playing. I know he said that because he is just as addicted as I am. Granted I am not using bill money or savings to play. That is where I draw the line.

I met a new guy online. He seems interesting. Since I been online so long I don’t get caught up in it. I always keep hope alive. You truly never know. I am debating about taking soy is0flavones with my femara when I TTC. I haven’t decided yet. I am so trying to stack the deck. Acupuncture  DHEA, COQ10, Dirt Tea, Soy Is0flavones. I am doing everything I can!!!

Baby Project Fail!!!

Today was not my day. I don’t know what I expected. I was walking into a doctor’s office with bad test to begin with. Well I had my ultrasound and found I have fibroid. Shocked the hell out of me. Well she informed me 70% of black women have them. On a good note they are very small.  I guess I can’t say I don’t have female issues again.

The ultrasound was being performed and I couldn’t tell what the hell she was looking at. She was measuring my fibroid and looking at the general stuff in the uterus. Well she could see one tube very clearly. The other one not so much.

I am sitting in the chair in her office. I swear I wanted to break down and cry. I was holding it back. Still haven’t cried yet, been holding it back all day. She basically said, she is not sure if one of my tubes is open and works. If it does not all this might be a waste of time. If it is open she isn’t making any promises and would give me a 10% chance of IUI success with full medication. She said I should try about three times.  Which could cost me a total of six thousand dollars.

She sees the benefit of IVF for me. Now I really want to cry. I do not have the money for IVF.  Especially since my insurance doesn’t cover anything for fertility. I read all these blogs of women who have tried IVF several times. Some still come home with no baby. I know three people who did IVF and didn’t end up with a baby. All is a dead issues since I can’t afford IVF.

She advised I get a HSG test. The test I was avoiding due to the cost. Now I am all in because I feel my dreams slipping away. They actually fit me in for today. Thank god it wasn’t painful. I heard other women screamed in pain. She did give me four Advil and some prescription I picked up before the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable but nothing to serious.

I was trying to get the tech to tell me something. No damn luck on that one. I did get to see one picture. I had no idea what I was looking at. I know there is no guarantees. But I am so scared and depressed and gloom and doom right now. I need to work on getting my faith back. It is so low right now. I know god has done a lot of great things for me. Will he pull this through. Or am I one of the people who don’t get a baby. Which my aunt proceeded to tell me. Not all women get to have babies. Thanks auntie!!! I am in the not all women club for a lot of things. Then no baby is not a club I want to join.  My single mother by choice friend is getting me straight. She had a five percent chance and got pregnant on the first try. We are all different and who knows life is stranger than fiction. I could be pregnant on the first try. I am going to pray for that. I am so bitter right now. I need to work on my mood and positivity if I want any type of success.

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!

 

So much to do!

I am trying to keep it together. I did nothing last night. I am such a procrastination. I did go buy three more boxes. I didn’t put anything in them. 🙂

Tonight will be packing night. I also been trying to see the best way to handle this fertility stuff financially. I do plan to pay as much I can as I go. But if it is going to be on a credit card, or line or credit I want the lowest interest rate possible.

I need to put in a change of address. I am going to do that tomorrow. So do I want to push for my first insemination to be in March or April. I think fear is really starting to set in.  I need to jump and take suggestions. So I will wait until my doctors appt to make the call.

I called my sperm bank. They have 50 vials of the guy I want. I was trying to decided to buy a lot or pay as I go. I do desire two children. I am praying I get them at once.

If I do not have twins, the questions is do I care if they have different dads. I am leaning towards no. I know a lot of siblings with different dads. I guess it isn’t that big of a deal in this century. So no storing sperm. If they run out they run out. I do want to look at the list again. They have added five more people to their bank.

My pants are tight. I am not happy about it at all. Granted these are my small pants. When they are big on me I have a smile on my face. They have been getting tighter and tighter. I am not dying yet, and hope not to be.  I am not ready to deal with this. I will think about my weight again on Sunday. After my move, and hopefully fully un packed and ready to seattle in to my own space.

Stress always made me eat. Where I am, I feel stressed. So it is time to go. Three more days!!!

Packing Sucks!!

moving day

 

I have four days to get my stuff together. I started packing last night. It looks like I am only going to need two additional boxes. Am I ready for my own place? Yes!! I still hate the process of packing and moving.

 

I picked a mover and I hope I don’t get screwed but you never know. I am going to have to say a prayer and suck it up.

 

My roommate mom and I got in a argument on Friday. Thought I was going to be able to leave unscathed  I guess that was not meant to happen. People usually assume I am soft and a punk because I am quiet and giving.

 

Well this woman and I went toe to toe and it was ugly. She started with a back-handed apology that I was not going to accept. You know I was wrong but you do X kind of crap. She also insinuated I was listening to her conversation. Lets just say I let her have it!!!  I wished I could leave that day. Not because I am scared of her or anything. I just hate stressful environments. Well to my surprises she came back with a real apology. She said she was wrong no excuses. I have to say I was surprised and amazed. I thought hell just froze over. I accepted her apology and said a few things I had to get off my chest,  Now all is good in the hood. Hopefully until Friday at least when I make my exist.

 

I went to my complex to see if they will let me see the apartment. No luck it isn’t cleaned yet. I did run into my old co-worker and her husband. The reason I picked the apartment. She looked great. She had lost 40 pounds which I was very impressed. We talked for a while and I went to buy a few things for my new place I will be calling home.

 

I am waiting for my credit union to get back to me about that loan. Today is president day so it will not be today.

 

This would be a great time for a scratch ticket win. 🙂

 

I have six of them. Which I decided will not be scratched until I am in my own place.

 

My mom is coming to visit. I am excited, she has only been here once in 12 years. This time we are going to do more. My aunt is already getting ready for her visit. Then I have to take time off for my cousin/Brother wedding. (Cousin/Brother=he is more like a brother. No Jerry Springer situation LOL)

 

I am praying I get pregnant on the first try. I am sure everyone has that prayer. But god has been on a roll with me. I know it is possible  I also know myself. I am going to stack the deck with some Soy isoflavone with my clomid. That is if she gives me clomid. I have to wait to the doctor’s appt.